Tag Archives: politics

Republican Presidential Debate Roundup!

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Well tonight Fox News will air the last debate before primary season and I really could not care less. Seriously. Newt Fucking Gingrich is the front runner right now? I almost feel sorry for conservatives. They have a seething hatred for the man in office right now but just can’t seem to come up with anybody good enough to beat him. It’s like the 2004 election in reverse.


Even though the Fox News article all but said that Gingrich and Romney are the only two who should even bother showing up to the debate, the whole rat pack is showing up. I’ve already taken my shots at Bachmann and Perry so let’s see what the other candidates have to offer.


Jon Huntsman
He was Obama’s ambassador to China, believes in evolution and global warming, kind of likes the gays (supports civil unions but not same sex marriage), treats immigrants like human beings and left office as Governor of Utah with an 80% approval rating. He’s Mormon but said in an interview with Newsweek that the LDS chruch does not have a monopoly on his spiritual life and that he and his wife draw from an array of sources for inspiration. Pretty open minded. All in all, a horrible Republican by today’s standards. He’ll be lucky to get more than three votes.


Rick Santorum
Santorum is defined as “The frothy mix of lube and fecal matter that is sometimes the by-product of anal sex” and that’s all it will ever mean.


Ron Paul
Ron Paul is the physical embodiment of libertarianism. One time he showed up to work naked because he trusted the free market to dress him. He’s so libertarian he actually opposed the civil rights act because of it’s interference with the free market. To be fair, the “separate water fountain” industry did take a big hit after it was passed.

Ron Paul has the most conservative voting record in history, never voting against any bill that could slightly be interpreted as possibly going against the Constitution. He describes himself as a strict constitutionalist and that may be because he was there when it was written holy shit is he old.

There are 39 stars on those flags behind him.

Seriously. look at him. He bought that suit a year ago and now it’s too big for him. He’s shrinking. If elected (which won’t happen), he’d enter office at 77 years old, making him the oldest man to hobble into office by 8 years.


Mitt Romney
Mitt Romney has a fucking price on his head placed by conservative think tanks because he closed corporate tax loopholes and introduced (sort of) universal health care as governor of Mass. He’s also been called a “flip flopper” (remember? From the John Kerry days?) which is funny because all of his flip flops have been to make conservatives happy. He was pro choice and anti gun and now he’s pro life and pro gun. Polls say that Romney is the republicans’ best bet to beat Obama but he probably won’t get the nomination because one time he let some poor people get cancer treatments.

Also he’s full on Mormon so if he gets elected we’ll all have to convert and do missionary trips to other countries and wear special underpants.


Man, looking at who the Republicans have to offer I kind of miss Sarah Palin and Donald Trump.

Victoria Jackson is a Comedic Genius

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The mark of a true satirical genius is when they actually get you to think they believe what they’re saying. They become so entrenched in their character that you think they’re as crazy as they pretend to be. This Kaufman-esque dedication to the part is what makes it all the more hilarious when you realize that they’re in on the joke. The longer the performer is able to keep this charade going, the more people they’re able to draw in, the bigger the payoff.


I honestly think this is what Victoria Jackson is doing.


It’s perfect, when you think about it. She spent years on SNL doing funny-but-not-groundbreaking roles and bit parts and after a few minor roles in movies she completely disappears from the public radar. Come 2008, she’s on Fox News calling Obama a communist.


It’s weird to think about at first. Why is she on Fox News? She’s not a political commentator and she hasn’t worked in forever. Is Fox News just letting any comedian on if they’ll bash Obama? One would automatically think this is some sort of prank from Victoria (Ms. Jackson if you’re crazy). Knowing that people would think this was some sort of joke she starts doing some of the worst stand up imaginable to make people think she’s incapable of proper satire. Here she is telling street jokes for the Christian comedy DVD series “Thou Shalt Laugh”

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_eFuvNv5vsk&w=420&h=315]
Classic misdirection.


So after watching her “perform comedy”, you’re assured that this isn’t a prank. She actually believes what she says when she says dudes kissing on Glee is “sickening” and that “homophobia is a buzzword created by liberals”.


To take the gag even further she starts a conservative round table youtube show called “PolitiChicks” which is essentialy The View if The View was done by four housewives who were scared shitless of muslims and gays because of conversations they overheard from their husbands. Here’s the first episode.

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EcCvvJWyx4c&w=560&h=315]


I suggest watching it twice. Watch it once thinking it’s just another conservative talk show. Kind of hard to get through, right? Now watch it again and realize that Victoria Jackson is fucking with them. Look at the way she hijacks the conversation 30 seconds in for a shitty, Islamophobic parody song that’s only half finished! At about 9 minutes in she actually says “Eric Holder and Janet Napolitano have dead eyes” as her eyes float around the room, making contact with nothing around her as if she doesn’t think her surroundings are even real! Fucking genius!


And now she was just on Fox and Friends explaining her political views like a concussed five year old and they fucking had to agree with her because she’s “a conservative”! It’s the perfect joke! She’s only on these shows to parody these people while they fucking nod their heads in agreement!


That has to be what she’s doing. The only other reasonable explanation for her behavior is that she’s an insane woman.

Liberal Muppet Conspiracy

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I knew it. I fucking knew it. All those years of watching The Muppet Show and Muppet movies I could tell that they were brainwashing kids to grow up to be filthy, tree hugging liberals but I just couldn’t put together enough evidence to make my claims public. Thank god for Fox Business’ Follow the Money and their story on the new Muppet movie’s left leanings (click link for the video).


Busted, you bleeding heart muppets! You never had me fooled. I always knew Sweetums was just Michael Moore without his baseball cap.



If you think this is new, you’re dead wrong. The muppets have been infiltrating kids’ entertainment for years with their liberal agenda. Just look at the characters.


Animal: Obviously a long haired hippy.

Dr. Bunson Honeydew: Scientist. Probably believes in global warming and evolution.

Statler and Waldorf: Living high off social security with their balcony seat tickets.

Fozzie: Comedian. Possibly jewish.

Gonzo: Illegal alien.


It’s bad enough Sesame Street is teaching kids that poverty and AIDS exist. Figures that one of the largest corporations in the world (currently #226) would put out an anti corporation liberal agenda.

Does Anybody Even Like This Stupid Lying Bitch?

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So the other day Michele Bachmann said if she were president, we wouldn’t have an American embassy in Iran. The US hasn’t had an embassy in Iran since 1980 but no big surprise there. Between John Wayne, Elvis, the Founding Fathers, first shots fired etc. etc. I think most of the American people have just become used to Bachmann’s constant stream of misinformed bullshit word salad. It’s like every time she has to go in front of a camera or crowd she has an aide punch her in the side of her head as hard as they can. She sounds punch drunk.


To make things even better, she’s now flat out denying that her statement was false. The balls on this woman!


From a statement from her campaign, “Congresswoman Bachmann is a member of the House Select Committee on Intelligence and is fully aware that we do not have an embassy in Iran and have not had one since 1980,” said the statement. “She was agreeing with the actions taken by the British to secure their embassy personnel and was speaking in the hypothetical, that if she was President of the United States and if we had an embassy in Iran, she would have taken the same actions as the British.”


Oh, so that’s what she meant. I guess it’s everybody else’s fault for not reading her goddamned mind.


Whatever. It’s not the first time she’s been a dumb asshole and it won’t be the last. This recent story just made me think… does anybody like her?


I know that most of the people reading this tend to be liberal but is there anybody out there who would honestly vote for Michele Bachmann? I know a few republicans and libertarians and tea partiers but I’ve never had a conversation with anybody who actually likes her.


It’s gotta be tough for the Bachmann supporter (if they exist). Constantly defending her misstatents, gaffes, hiding in bushes to spy on gay rallies, her crazy eyes.

She got crazy eyes. This isn't even a "gotcha" shot. This is like her congressional class photo.




I don’t even want somebody to try to convince me to like her, I just want to find somebody that admits they like her.


Are you out there?


Horseburgers.

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Sometimes it’s actually hard to believe the economy is in the shitter. I’m poor as hell but I still have a phone that gives me high speed internet pretty much anywhere I go. I’m typing this post from one of the multiple computers in my home. All these cheap modern conveniences make it hard to identify with those great depression era pictures of dirty faced tramps standing in bread lines.


This is actually the line for the iPhone 4.




Certain things really put the current state of the economy in perspective though, like this story stating we may start slaughtering horses for food.


From the story, “Horses could soon be butchered in the U.S. for human consumption after Congress quietly lifted a 5-year-old ban on funding horse meat inspections, and activists say slaughterhouses could be up and running in as little as a month.”


Wait, 5-year-old ban? We were slaughtering horses for meat 5 years ago? I don’t remember seeing horse steaks at Cub Foods 5 years ago but I was a bachelor then and only went to the store five times a year.


According to the article, the last slaughterhouse that butchered horses closed in 2007 and most of the meat was sent off to foreign countries for consumption. Most of the meat. Where did the other stuff go? Have I eaten horse before and not known it? Did I like it?


The main reason, according to the pro-slaughter group United Horsemen (the fact that a pro-horse-slaughter group exists is hilarious), has stated that reopening horse slaughterhouses will create jobs. Horse slaughtering jobs.


Also from the article, “Sue Wallis, a Wyoming state lawmaker who’s the group’s vice president, said ranchers used to be able to sell horses that were too old or unfit for work to slaughterhouses but now they have to ship them to butchers in Canada and Mexico, where they fetch less than half the price.” So wait, we only get the shitty old horses to eat?


The group says that an entire section of the agriculture industry was crippled because people won’t eat horses purely out of “sentimental and romantic” reasons. Also, their manes make it look like they have people hair so that’s kind of weird.

Look at this and tell me you want to eat it.




When it comes down to it, you probably won’t see McDonald’s offering a horseburger anytime soon. This country has apparently been slaughtering horses for years and I’ve never seen it available. Who knows? Maybe it’ll become a high end fancy meat. There’s this place in uptown that will let you eat guinea pig for like $30.



All it takes is the right marketing. I say I’d never eat horse meat but if the Minnesota State Fair had deep fried horse on a stick next year, I’d probably try it. It worked for alligator meat.


What do you think? Leave a comment. Would you eat horse? How would you like it? Burger, steak, horse tacos? Did you imagine a horse in a sombrero when you read horse tacos? It’s okay, I totally imagined one while writing it.

Oh Shit Newt Gingrich is in the Lead Now?

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A couple of months ago I wrote about how it was sad that republicans were falsely letting Newt Gingrich believe he had a shot at the presidential nomination but now he’s fucking tied for first? What?


I get the fact that the previous front runners have either proven to be perverts, dipshits or Michele Bachmann but if you leave Newt Gingrich in the spotlight too long he’s going to say something awful like child labor laws are stupid.


He actually said that.


From the CNN article “It is tragic what we do in the poorest neighborhoods, entrapping children in child laws which are truly stupid,” Gingrich said. “Saying to people you shouldn’t go to work before you’re 14, 16. You’re totally poor, you’re in a school that’s failing with a teacher that’s failing.”


God knows when you’re young and poor what you need is more manual labor and less education. There’s more!


“I tried for years to have a very simple model. These schools should get rid of unionized janitors, have one master janitor, pay local students to take care of the school. The kids would actually do work; they’d have cash; they’d have pride in the schools. They’d begin the process of rising.”


Now that’s some bold 19th century robber-baron thinking! Why pay adults fair wages and benefits to do a job that kids will do for dirt cheap? When you think about it, there’s all sorts of jobs kids can be doing. You hear all the time about coal miners getting trapped in cave ins but if kids were miners it would probably be way easier to get them out of the mines. They’re smaller so rescue crews would have to do half the work to get them out. Their tiny little hands are probably great for picking fruit and sewing clothes. China uses child labor all the time and their economy is booming! The best part is that kids will become accustomed at a young age to shitty pay and working conditions so we won’t have to worry about them forming those pesky unions as adults.


Vote Gingrich in 2012 because he’s a horrible, soulless monster!


p.s. hey if you want to keep reading things I wrote but want to read on a different website I did a guest blog for The Comedy Corner Underground! Click on it and read the thing and then you can click on the link at the bottom of the blog back to my website! Repeat this process until you have gone insane.

On the Good Ship Censor

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Jena here. Today, the Young Notions blog post will be edited by me, about SOPA Censorship bill.

I |||||||||||||||||||||||||| ||||||||||||||||||| ||||||||| |||||||||||||||||||||| |||||| |||||||||||||||||| ||||||||| love |||||||||||||||||||| |||. |||||||||||||||| ||||||||||||||| ||| ||||||||||| ||||||||||| ||||||||||||||||| |||| |||||||||| ||||||||||||||| ||| |||||||||||||||||. ||||||||||||||||||||| ||||||||||| |||||||| |||||||||||||||||| ||| |||||||||||||. My |||||||||||||| |||||||||||||||| |||| |||||||||||||| || ||||||||||||||||||||||| ||||||| |||||||||||||||||. |||||||||||||| |||||||||||| |||||||||||||||||| ||||||||||||||| |||| |||||||||||||||||||||| |||||||||| wife.

She |||||||||||||||| ||||||||||||||| |||||||||||||| |||||||||||||||| |||||||||||||||||| |||||||||||| ||| |||||||||||||||||||| |||| |||||||||||. |||||||||||||||| ||||||| |||||| |||||||||||||||||||| ||||||||||| |||||||||||| makes ||||||||||||||||| ||||| |||||||||||||||| ||||||||||||| ||||| |||||||||||||||||||. ||||||||||||||| |||||||||||||| ||||||||||||||| || |||||||||||||||| ||||||||| ||||||||| |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||| |||||||||||||||||| |||| |||||||||| |||||| |||||||||||| me |||||||||||. |||||||||||||||| |||||||||||| | | | |||||| ||||||||||| a ||||||||||| ||||||||||||||||||| ||||| | |||||||||||||||||||||||| | | |||||||||||||||||||| ||||||||||||. |||||||||||||||||||||||||||| |||||| ||||||||||||||| |||||||||| ||||||||||||||||| |||||| ||||||||||| ||||||||||||||||||| ||||||| | ||||||||||||||||| better |||||||||| ||||||||||||||| | |||||||||| |||||| |||||||||||||| ||||| ||||||||||||||||||||||||. ||||||| |||||||||| |||||||||||||||||| |||||||| |||||||||||||||||||||||||| ||||| ||||||||||||||||||||| |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||| person.

Image

I |||||||||||||| |||||||||||||||||||||||| |||||||| ||||||||||||||||||||||||||| ||| |||||||||||| |||||||||||||||| |||||||||||||| ||| |||||||||||| owe ||||||||||||| ||||||||||||||| ||| |||||||||||||||| ||||||||||| |||||||||||||| |||||||||||| ||| |||||||||||| ||||||||||||| ||| ||||||||||||||||||. ||||||||||||| |||||||||||||| ||||||||||||||| || ||| ||||||||||||||| |||||||||||| her |||||||||||||||||| ||||||||||||| ||||||||||| |||||||||||||| |||| ||||||||||||| ||||||||||||||||||| ||| ||||||||||||||||| |||||| |||||||||||||||||||| ||||||| ||||| ||||||||||||||||| ||||||||||||| ||||| |||||||||||||||| ||||| everything.

I cut out a few words here and there. You know, for flow. But I guarantee you this is what he meant, and my censorship in no way negates his original post.

If Pizza is a Vegetable I’m a Health Nut.

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This is what’s wrong with the government. This is what all those stinky OWS hippies are complaining about. Congress is bought. The government will never act in the people’s interest as long as corporate lobbyists can get legislators to do whatever they want by stuffing their pockets with cash. It doesn’t matter who you elect because as long as corporations can lobby, government will act in act in the interest of lobbies.



Don’t believe me? This week members of congress were able to say with a flawless fucking poker face that Pizza is a goddamn vegetable.



Here’s what’s happening. The Obama administration submitted a proposal to make school lunches healthier because all the kids are fatties. The measure included putting more veggies in school lunch rotation and limiting things like frozen pizza and french fries (two things you could get every day when I was in high school).



From the article, “The final version of a spending bill released late Monday would unravel school lunch standards the Agriculture Department proposed earlier this year, which included limiting the use of potatoes on the lunch line and delaying limits on sodium and delaying a requirement to boost whole grains.

The bill also would allow tomato paste on pizzas to be counted as a vegetable, as it is now. USDA had wanted to prevent that.
Food companies that produce frozen pizzas for schools, the salt industry and potato growers requested the changes, and some conservatives in Congress say the federal government shouldn’t be telling children what to eat.”



Okay, first off, tomato paste is not a vegetable. I know this because tomatoes are a goddamn fruit. Adding sugar, salt, cheese, modified food starch and silicon dioxide to a fruit does not make it a vegetable.



This goes beyond word manipulation. This is outright lying. The kind of lying that puts cigarette ads from the 1920s to shame.



Only smoke what your doctor recommends.





Face it. Congress would shove the fat directly in your kids’ arteries if the price was right.



Since we’re throwing nutritional common sense out the window let’s just go nuts. Here’s some suggestions for the new healthy lunch proposal.



* Ice cream is a good source of calcium.
* Nachos are a vegetable (there’s tomatos in the salsa!)
* Oreos contain several B vitamins and folic acid. This qualifies them as a multivitamin.
* Fuck it. Cheese is a vegetable.


If you would like to make sure these changes don’t go through, please write to your congressperson and make sure to include a check for at least $50,000.

Fucking Oops?

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While searching different news sites for articles to rip off and call my own (just like a real blogger!), I couldn’t fucking escape Rick Perry’s Oops (each highlighted word links a different news story!) from last night’s debate.


I didn’t want to post about it at first because I feel like I’m paying too much attention to him. I’ve already posted about him fellating fair food and shooting first and asking questions never but this is a real turning point in the Perry campaign. A blunder which he may not recover from.


This isn’t about how he had a “brain freeze” or simply that he forgot what he was going to say. It’s about what he forgot. Rick Perry didn’t know what government program to eliminate. A conservative not knowing what piece of government to slash is like a fat guy not knowing what he wants for dessert (trust me. I’m a fat guy and I always know what I want for dessert).


Perry knows this, too. That’s why he was talking about cutting government programs when the question in the debate had nothing to do with cutting programs (the question was about how he could work with democrats across the aisle). He just launched into what he’d slash because he knows to give the people what they want. Conservatives would turn government programs into people if it was possible just so they could watch welfare’s legs twitch as it swung from the gallows rope. Perry had the audience sitting at the edge of their seats just salivating as he said “I will tell you: It’s three agencies of government, when I get there, that are gone: Commerce, Education and the — what’s the third one there?”


What’s the third one? Seriously? Say anything! The FDA, Transportation, anything but the military! That’s your fucking answer! Don’t leave your fans just sitting there with anti-government blue balls!


This could be it for Perry. Between this, the Herman Cain scandal and Michele Bachmann calling everybody a socialist (including her republican opponents) like a broken robot, Mitt Romney may just get the nomination.


So thanks, Perry. Now Mitt Romney’s going to be president and we’ll all have to convert to Mormonism.

President Obama Orders Cuts in Gov’t “Swag”

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The Star Tribune reported that the president will sign an executive order today banning promotional material purchased by government agencies with taxpayer money. The order will also limit cell phones and lap tops issued to federal employees and reduce the size of the executive vehicle fleet but it will ban “swag” outright. Here’s a partial list of some of the promotional items agencies will no longer be issued.


FBI: “Federal Boob Inspector” badges.

TSA: Promotional “Huggy the Box Cutter Groping Bear” plush toys to give to children who opt out of the full body scan.

USDA: “USDA Certified 100% Beefcake” muscle t-shirts.

CIA: Gift baskets and “oops!” Hallmark cards given to released Guantanamo detainees.

CDC: “Brave Patient” stickers, suckers, vaccinations.

DEA: “As seen on the hit show ‘Breaking Bad'” stickers.

ATF: Promotional Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms.

A photo of the President looking stern. It'll look good when I link this on facebook.




There goes Obama. Cutting government costs like a typical tax and spend Democrat.