Tag Archives: politics

ABORTION! ABORTION! ABORTION!

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Abortion.


People supposedly don’t like talking about abortion. Even in the movie “Knocked Up” they work around saying the word by saying rhymes with shmashmortion.



This makes sense. It’s a very sensitive topic. A topic that many people have radically different views upon (my personal view is that I’m a guy and I’ve had a vasectomy so I’ll just keep my opinions to myself). A undoubtedly heavy subject that, when debated, should be handled with tact and respect.



That is, of course, unless you’re a republican politician. Then it’s your duty to turn the debate into the loudest, gaudiest circus freakshow possible.


The craziness probably started way before this but I first took notice a couple of weeks ago when the news was when lawmakers in Virginia tried passing a bill transvaginal ultrasounds on women who try to get abortions. I’m pretty sure the only reason these lawmakers want to stick a wand all up in a girl who is making the hardest decision of her life is just to add more humiliation to the procedure because that’s the name of the game. If you can’t forcefully keep a woman from getting an abortion you shame her out of it.



The bill was met with fierce opposition andultimately didn’t pass (a similar bill requiring less invasive but just as unnecessary plain ol’ ultrasounds passed) but Republicans , in spite of their hatred of arts funding, are a creative lot. Just this week, Arizona State Rep. Terri Proud emailed a constituent about how she’d like to require women to watch an abortion before having one.



Her reasoning is some bullshit about how women are uninformed about such a dangerous procedure blah blah blah. The real effect here is the added shame of realizing that if you want an abortion, you’re probably gonna have a room full of people staring at you while it happens. It’s unnecessary, embarrassing and just another hoop for women to jump through.


Now I’m well aware that most of my readers are state level republican politicians so if you’re looking to introduce some wacky abortion bills to proverbially stone women with here’s some jumping off points for you guys, free of charge (you can certainly name the bill after me if you’d like. “Bill’s bill” has a nice ring to it) –


* To prove you’re not ready for parenthood every abortion provider must give prospective patients an egg to take care of for a week as if it were a child. If they come back to the clinic and the egg has broken, they can follow through with the procedure.

* Any woman receiving an abortion is given a two year subscription to Disney Movie Club paid for by her insurance (thanks, Obamacare!). The name on the address will read “your child would have loved this one”.

* Any woman receiving an abortion has to “pay it forward” and perform the procedure on another woman so she can experience the guilt and pain the doctors go through.

* After an abortion the woman is required, by law, to gain 30 pounds and then lose it really quickly so she has stretch marks anyway.


For more information about how abortion is evil, consult your local Rick Santorum.

Mitt Romney: Out of Touch?

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Opposite Day Fox News posted an article about Mitt Romney saying yet another rich guy thing. This time he mentions about how a bunch of NFL team owners are friends of his during a question about football in a radio interview –


[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N43njcpNcHs&w=420&h=315]


Romney constantly faces accusations of being out of touch and not knowing what it’s like to not be insanely wealthy. You’d think people would want to know more about his weird religion –



Google autocomplete. Vox populi, vox dei.


but the scrutiny always falls on his “gaffes” that make him seem out of touch with the average American. Here’s a few choice quotes from the campaign trail that have made the news recently.


“I’m not concerned about the very poor. Fuck them. Fuck poor people. Ugh.” – Mitt Romney, following his victory in the Florida primary. CNN


“I love it here in the south! I’m learning to say y’all, I like grits, I own several slaves!” – Romney in a campaign speech in Mississippi. MSNBC


“I love Detroit automobiles! (My wife) Ann actually has two fresh Cadillacs flown in every week and she drives most of them before throwing them away.” – Romney stumping in Michigan. C-SPAN


“Thank you for the toilet paper bird!” – Mitt thanking a boy in Denver for folding him an origami cane out of a $1 bill. Washington Post.


“I’ve been a lifelong hunter. Small varmints, mostly. Also, genetically engineered manimals on Dick Cheney’s private island.” Romney explaining his love of hunting. AP.


“They look like ants from up here, don’t they? Like I could just crush them all by stepping on them and not feel a thing. Just thinking about it gives me an erection.” – On a flight from Dallas to Boston. NYT.



Seriously, he doesn’t seem that out of touch to me.



Oil portrait of Mitt Romney painted by Rembrant clone.

Youngnotions.com Will Drop Sponsorship of Rush Limbaugh Immediately.

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Today I would like to announce that youngnotions.com will be ending it’s 25 year relationship with the Rush Limbaugh show in light of his recent comments about activist Sandra Fluke.


While advertising on Rush Limbaugh’s program has certainly brought over a lot of the core conservative demographic that we aim at, Rush’s statements and subsequent bullshit non apology have crossed a line of decency for us.


While readers of the blog have called on us to pull advertising many times in the past, like when he said Michael J. Fox was faking his Parkinson’s symptoms in a commercial for stem cell research. We decided to keep giving him money.


People sent petitions with hundreds of signatures to the offices of youngnotions.com when he called American soldiers who criticized the Iraq war “phony soldiers” but we decided to keep advertising with him.


When Rush played the “parody” song “Barack the Magic Negro” and continued to play it and even defend it when called out on it’s offensiveness, we stayed by his side.


When Rush admitted to being addicted to painkillers and was arrested for doctor shopping to get painkillers but then served no jail time because he paid $30,000 which is funny because on his radio show he said drug offenders should be convicted and sent up the river so now he’s proven that he’s a liar and a hipocrite, we kept advertising with him.


His comments about Sandra Fluke, however, are frankly too much. While we were happy in our relationship with a lying, hipocritical, racist, anti soldier anti disability talk show host we cannot ethically pay advertising money to a lying, hypocritical, racist, anti-soldier, anti disability drug addict talk show host who is also misogynist.


We hope conservative fans of youngnotions.com understands our position and will continue to support us. We’ll still bring you all the tradition and family values that you enjoy five days a week and you’ll be glad to know that all revenue that was directed towards ads on Rush Limbaugh’s program will be shifted to the construction of Glenn Beck’s “Spaceship to Heaven”.

this is actually his mugshot. No lie.

If Making Fun of Michele Bachmann is Illegal I May Have More Jail Stories to Post Real Soon.

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I’m not obsessed with Michele Bachmann. Sure, she’s been the subject of ridicule from me a few times and I’ve even taken shots at her as she faded from the political limelight but it’s nothing more than the product of lazy writing. She’s crazy, constantly in the news (especially here in MN) and when you’re trying to get a new blog posted every weekday by noon sometimes you pick the low hanging fruit.


Unfortunately, I may have to start looking at other fruit to pick because insulting Michele Bachmann is now something that can prompt a grand jury investigation.



Seriously. A grand jury in D.C. just subpoenaed twitter to get the identity of a user that “professed desire to engage in sadomasochistic activities” with Michele Bachmann. Somebody should have told him that Marcus is more the whips and chains type.


The man, known only as “Mr. X” in the subpoena, tweeted last year “I want to fuck Michelle Bachman (sic) in the ass with a Vietnam era machete”. Hell, the paragraph following is so hilarious I’m going to post the whole thing, unedited (the entire subpoena can be found on the strib article linked above).


“Unfortunately, an overview of Mr. X’s Twitter page is warranted. Mr. X’s body of tweets is extremely crude and in almost incomprehensibly poor taste. Occasionally political but almost consistently vacuous, his oeuvre represents an infantile attempt at humor that brings to mind the most obscene aspects of Andrew Dice Clay, but without even the infinitesimal modicum of artistic creativity that Mr. Clay managed to possess. The page is entirely without merit, comedic or otherwise. More offensive even than Mr. X’s chosen vocabulary is the pathetic transparency and vapidity of his attempt to elicit the attention on the internet that he surely lacks in real life. Somehow, this attempt has succeeded to the tune of, at the time of the issuance of this Order, 736 followers – a number that will certainly and regrettably grow once this Order is released to the public. A sad state of affairs indeed. Readers are free, though ill-advised, to form their own opinions regarding Mr. X’s output in their own time. It suffices here to include a mere sampling some representative tweets, which are replicated without modification.

Goddamn I just smacked my wife with my Dick… Now she has a cock shaped bruise on her face… Take that take that take that (there were a few more tweets in the subpoena but I’ll just leave it at that)



Holy shit this Mr. X guy just got served in more ways than one. Judge Smackdown tore this guy apart! I seriously hope my body of work is never submitted to a grand jury because I don’t think I could handle the criticism. That was harsh.


This all seems a bit silly, really. I obviously don’t care for Crazyeyes McGaypray but I don’t wish her any physical harm (you hear that, CIA? I’m harmless!). Genuine threats to her should be investigated but I sincerely doubt this is a sincere threat. He’s just a shitty comedian trying to get shock value laughs. Mr. X probably won’t be getting his hands on any machete, Vietnam era or otherwise and Michele Bachmann’s ass can stop worrying and get back to clenching every time somebody tries to force energy efficient light bulbs on her.


Judging by the uncomfortable look on her face in this pic maybe Mr. X actually did follow through.

The Two O’Reillys.

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Bill O’Reilly will be the first to tell you that he’s not a Republican, he’s an Independent. While many of his views tend to be conservative the only school of thought he subscribes to is his own. His independent views sometimes even put him at odds with his employers at Fox News and his fanbase like when he actually supports gay rights –

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RUuRF_Tsmj8?rel=0&w=560&h=315]


Good for him! I don’t agree with most of what this guy says but here he is standing his ground, firm in the belief that homosexuals are people and shouldn’t be discriminated against because of their sexuality.


Oh, by the way a day later he stood up for his beliefs that homosexuals should totally be discriminated against because of their sexuality. Here he is calling the recent prop 8 ruling “Judicial Activism” (there’s video on the link. For some reason I can’t get the stupid mediaite player to embed on posts. Damn you HTML!).


Bill O’Reilly is so independent that his views are even independent from his own views. Seriously.


I understand that the right to work and the right to marry are two different things but you don’t get to pick and choose civil rights ala carte. Homosexuals are either second class citizens or they aren’t.


I actually feel kind of dirty using meme generator to make a joke. It's like the internet equivalent to prop comedy.




Is somebody going to call him out on this? This was like back to back. There has to be some rational explanation for this behavior. This is what I’ve come up with so far –


* Back when he was just a timid reporter for Inside Edition, O’Reilly developed a serum to separate his good side from his darker impulses. Relishing in the freedom from morality, he began to take the serum more and more. O’Reilly was soon able to transform into his darker self without the serum and his new, bold self got a job with Fox News. After years of abandon, his good side is starting to finally re-emerge.

* He’s a robot and his programmers are feeding him logical fallacies to see if his head will explode.

* He’s fucking with us.


Maybe this is just the start of a weird erosion in his sanity. Tomorrow he’ll say only gays can get married and come friday he’ll call for rounding them up and exterminating them. Monday he comes out of the closet… wearing nothing but flip flops.

WATCH: Huffpo Falls Into Own Asshole.

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So I saw this Onion article pop up in my facebook newsfeed –





and I’m honestly surprised this hasn’t showed up on the Huffington Post comedy page.


Okay, I know I misspelled “Arianna” but that shitty photoshop took me like an hour to make and I don’t know how to fix it.


The Colbert Report can do a piece on it and then Huffington Post can link to that vid and it can all end up on Anderson Cooper’s “Rediculist”. The camera will pan out until it shows the whole scene taking place in a snowglobe in the hands of Al Franken.

Bachmann? More Like Brokemann! Ba-Zing!

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It’s been weeks, glorious weeks since Michele Bachmann limped home from the Iowa primaries defeated. She pledged to focus on her re-election campaign for congress but there’s just one problem. She ain’t got no money.



Maybe you wouldn't be broke if you just would've gone with Lipton instead of your fancy imported tea bags.

Turns out that running for president, even in the primaries, can be pretty spendy and Michele Bachmann still owes $88,000 from running around the country and talking about how Washington is “spending recklessly”. While donations were pouring in for her early on, she only received enough in the fourth quarter to air commercials for her campaign in Iowa one day before the caucuses. Here’s a brief list of some of the items/services she still owes for her campaign run.


$5,000 – Industrial Strength Makeup Remover

$3.50 – Fact Checker

$2,000 – Gay-Away Pray Spray

$1,500 – Phrenology Consultation

$7,000 – Bibles, Constitutions, Duct Tape

$180,000 – Iowa Straw Poll Votes.


With such debt it’s hard to see how she’d be able to properly fund a re-election campaign. If Michele Bachmann’s gone from politics, who will stick up for the rights of lightbulbs?

Santorum Cum

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unicornbooty.com recently shared this little gem off of presidential hopeful and fetus fetishist Rick Santorum’s website.


It's an acronym!




CUM was pulled off of (or wiped up from?)Rick’s website after the internet had their way with the acronym but people were wondering how this thing got the green light in the first place? Considering his very name has become the subject of sexual humor one would think his staff would be on the lookout for obvious stuff like this. If people only knew the names of all the political projects Santorum came up with that were shot down they’d realize how this one could slip through the cracks. Here’s just a few of his aborted (metaphorically, of course) babies.


Republicans
Against
People
Ever
Acquiring
Social
Security
Rather than supporting the phasing out of social security like his more moderate repulican peers, this was a bill he introduced to allow people to physically slap the checks out of greedy seniors’ hands.


Kindness
Love
And
Nurturing
This was a plan he introduced to allow the crating of homosexuals on commercial flights. You know, to protect families.


Jury
Interrogations for
Secret
Muslims
Santorum actually just started hanging around outside congress and giving copies of this bill to senators when Obama first took office in 2009.

For more information on Rick Santorum and his policies, ask your local Santorun Educational eXtremist- Offering Federal Financial Enthusiasts No Democrats, Ever Repiblican.

Are You There, Michele Bachmann? It’s Me, God.

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Dear Michele Bachmann;


Hello, it’s your Lord God. Listen, I heard recently about how you mentioned that a miracle was going to happen at the Iowa caucuses tonight and “we know who creates miracles”. While I’m flattered by your constant, borderline creepy praise I feel like you need to know that you shouldn’t get your hopes up. There will be no miracle tonight in Iowa. Not for you, anyway.


I really like to help those who help themselves and you just seem to do nothing but shoot yourself in the foot. Whether it’s constantly spitting out misinformation about the founding fathers ending slavery and the Soviet Union is rising or campaigning against energy efficient lightbulbs because they’re closing down factories which they aren’t, you’re really not helping yourself at all. The times you do help yourself, like when you practically rigged the Iowa straw poll by buying people’s tickets and providing bus rides and entertainment to get people to vote for you aren’t really what I meant by saying “help themselves”. I may protect fools but I don’t hand them presidential nominations.


Frankly, your obsession with me is getting weird and this is coming from a God that has billions of people pray to him daily. I’ve never spoken to you and never directly helped you before so I don’t understand why you’re giving me credit for not only things that happened to you, but things that haven’t even happened yet and never will (like you winning Iowa tonight).


I’ve never actually said this to anybody before but I think it’s time you started worshiping other deities. There’s lots of other gods out there and I know I said “Thou shalt have no other gods before me” but times change and back then I didn’t anticipate somebody as… clingy as you. You could worship Allah. He’s so down for the fanatical devotion you have to offer. He even requires you to pray five times a day and from what I’ve seen from you that can get done by lunchtime. What about Hinduism? I’m not actually not sure what they believe in (I’m God, not Wikipedia) but you never see them pushing their beliefs on other people so that might be best for you. You could even be an atheist. I know that the concept of me not existing is frightening to you but you’re really full of yourself so you’d fit right in with the other atheists.


Why don’t you start your own religion? You could start one that deifies the founding fathers! You already practically worship them and your knowledge of them is about on par with your knowledge of the bible (nearly nonexistent) so it’d be a smooth transition for you.


Whatever you do, please leave me alone. I’m seriously considering getting a restraining order on you.


I have to go now. I promised I’d play catch with Tim Tebow this afternoon.


Love,
God.

seriously leave me alone.

Payroll Tax Cut: What Does $40 Mean to You?

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CNN reports that the House rejected the Senate bill to extend the payroll tax cut, set to expire on Dec. 31st. Once expired, the average family would see their taxes raised about $1,000 per year or roughly $40 per paycheck. CNN.com is asking it’s readers what $40 dollars means to them so here’s what $40 means to me.


160 PACKETS OF RAMEN

Maruchan means "Round child" or "1,660 mg of sodium"

Frankly I don’t care for the stuff but Jena likes it and the boy goes crazy for it so we usually keep a few on hand for a quick cheap meal. They’re 25 cents each so $40 will get you 160 packets. That’s a lot of Ramen. I’m getting varicose veins just thinking about all that Ramen.


ONE BOTTLE OF REALLY GOOD BOOZE, TWO BOTTLES OF DECENT BOOZE OR THREE BOTTLES OF SHIT BOOZE
If I’m feeling lazy there’s actually a liquor store in my neighborhood that delivers for $5 but their booze is a little pricier so more like one bottle of decent booze or two bottles of shit.


FOUR MONTHS OF NETFLIX STREAMING
We downgraded our cable tv to basic so Netflix is where we get almost all of our home entertainment now. Don’t take away my Netflix, John Boehner. I just got into Dr. Who.


A TOTALLY RAD PIZZA PARTY
$40 could get you a couple of awesome pizzas, some wings or breadsticks and a couple of two liters of soda.


As you can see, $40 can get you a lot these days. Movies, booze, pizza or four blowjobs from House Speaker John Boehner’s mom. Boom!



p.s. The editor of the “Dear Me” book emailed me about my blog from Monday and asked if he could put it in the readers letters section of his website. Check it out here!