Tag Archives: politics

Seriously What the Hell is a Delegate?

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Well, it’s convention time here in the U.S. –



One candidate to rule them all!





Wait. Different kind of convention. Although if political party conventions had cosplay it’d definitely make politics more interesting. Whatever. The Republican National Convention just wrapped up last week and the Democratic National Convention is just starting so we all know what that means!



It means… that… President…



Okay I honestly don’t know what these conventions are all about. Really.



I know it’s where the candidate for that party officially accepts his nomination and there’s delegates there. Also old people and empty chairs for some reason



After looking around on wikipedia, I found this out about delegates. “The Democratic Party of the United States uses pledged delegates and superdelegates. A candidate for the Democratic nominee must win a majority of combined delegate votes at the Democratic National Convention.
Pledged delegates are elected or chosen at the state or local level, with the understanding that they will support a particular candidate at the convention. Pledged delegates are however not actually bound to vote for that candidate, thus the candidates are allowed to periodically review the list of delegates and eliminate any of those they feel would not be supportive. Currently there are 3,253 pledged delegates.” The republican party has a near identical system for delegates.



So basically when states have primaries, their delegates go and vote for the person who won in that state but sometimes they don’t have to or something? Also there’s superdelegates who can do whatever they want?



So… are delegates even necessary? I don’t get the point. I know this is going to sound weird since I’m talking about the government but this whole process seems inefficient and riddled with redundancy. Not to mention expensive –



When fiscal conservatives throw a party they ironically spare no expense. Do you know how much it cost them to make that mute Obama lookalike invisible?





I really can’t think of a practical reason that we’re still using this system in the electoral process but I do have a few theories as to why we keep it around.


Protesters get to riot, cops get to bust heads, everybody gets to let off some steam.



Everybody wins in a riot!





Weird conspiracy with the button and balloon companies to boost sales.



I’m onto you…





Gives musicians a chance to show their political affiliation.



3 Doors Down played the RNC this year. This was a big shock as nobody knew 3 Doors Down were still together.





While I can’t be sure why these delegates exist I think we all can agree on one thing. 3 Doors Down sucks. They’re like Nickleback without the personality.

Phone Call to Clint Eastwood.

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“Hello, Clint? Hi, it’s me. Bob. Bob Newhart.



Thanks, I’m a huge fan of your work myself. Yes, I did see the speech last night, that’s actually what I’m calling about. No, I’m not asking to join your secret society of Hollywood conservatives but I’m glad to hear your organization is growing. There’s you, and you mentioned Jon Voight in your speech last night and…



Oh, that’s it? Well, it’s a start.



But, really, I-I really want to talk about the bit where you had the conversation with the President in the chair. Well, some might call it stealing, Clint.



It’s just that the one sided imaginary conversation is sort of my signature bit. For decades, actually.



Well I’m flattered that you consider me an “inspiration” for that part of your speech but you could at least try to get it right. For starters, I usually use a phone.



I disagree, it makes a big difference. See, when you’re on the phone, people can suspend their disbelief a bit and let themselves believe you’re actually having a conversation. It puts them at ease and allows the routine to flow better. When you’re addressing an empty chair onstage it just looks like you’re an old man suffering dementia who wandered into a convention center.



“YOU ALL SEE HIM, DON’T YOU? HE’S RIGHT THERE!”





The stammering didn’t help either. Yes, I know but when I do it it just makes me seem flustered and insecure. When an 82 year old man talking to a chair does it –



No, I do appreciate your dedication to being faithful to the bit, but… Well, if you really wanted to be faithful you could have tried to make it funny.



No, I saw the whole thing.



Yes, even the part where you said to the chair ‘No, I won’t shut up!’ It’s just, if you want to do this in a speech again, could you give me a call beforehand?



Oh, no. Not to help you write it. To tell you you can’t do it.



Thanks. Okay, I have to go. I’ve got Sir Walter Raleigh on hold.”

Legitimate Rape Jokes

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Here’s some news for you people who don’t have the internet, television or a conversation with anybody about politics in the last week. Republicans are really trying to soften the definition of rape.



It’s actually kind of creepy. First this Senate candidate in Missourah Todd Akin made his now incredibly famous remarks about a woman’s body shutting down in the case of a “legitimate rape”. Now VP candidate Paul Ryan calls rape “just another method of conception”. Earlier this year republicans were accused of waging a “war on women” but now they just narrowed their target down to rape victims, I guess.

legitimate asshole


With this unsettling contest of “which republic candidate can say the most horrific thing about rape” going on I can’t help but wonder on how Daniel Tosh feels about all this.


Think about it, two months ago Daniel Tosh made a rape joke onstage at the Laugh Factory and made fun of a heckler. Somebody blogged about it (inaccurately according laughspin, it went viral and Tosh became public enemy number 1. He still had some supporters, mostly stand up comics but the damage is done. He didn’t gain any new fans with this. Todd Akin said something way worse and he’s raised $100,000 in donations since the remarks. Paul Ryan said something way worse and it seems nobody but a couple people over at the Huffington Post even noticed.



What really makes what Akin and Ryan said worse is the fact that they have (or potentially will have) power to legislate laws concerning rape. Sure, Daniel Tosh shouldn’t have said what he did but at the end of the day he’s just a comedian. He may have used rape as subject matter for a joke but when you boil it down that’s all it was. A joke. So many people in the media vilified him but it’s not like he has any say in the laws concerning what governs rape, women’s reproductive health or general women’s rights. Akin and Ryan do and they’re getting treated with kid gloves compared to how Tosh got beat up by the media. If I was Daniel Tosh that would really get to me.



I guess the lesson here is that it’s not okay to say awful, dismissive things about rape unless you’re a republican politician. It’s Daniel’s fault he said that stuff in a comedy club. He should have said it on a morning news show or town hall meeting.

The Minnesota Marriage Amendment Will Probably Pass. Here’s Why.

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People who support it don’t know what it is.



I’m not kidding. There are people in this state who are planning to vote “yes” on the Minnesota Marriage Amendment without even knowing what it is. They have an idea, of course. They have the vague knowledge that it’s about gay marriage. The problem is that they think that the Amendment up for vote in the November election is to legalize gay marriage.



I know these people exist because I actually talked with one of them this week.



I was on the road at my new job with my trainer. He was a nice guy but really, really conservative. Like, all over the board. Socially, fiscally, the whole package. As some of you regular readers know I’m really, really liberal. We talked politics for a bit but were able to keep it civil. Making our points and respecting (but not agreeing) to the other person’s opinions. I get into so many ranting political arguments on the internet that I’ve almost forgotten what it’s like to have some polite debate.



He did fuck with me a little. He made me listen to Rush Limbaugh as a joke (but also because he wanted to listen to Rush Limbaugh) and we all know how I feel about him. During the local station’s little two minute news segment the reporter said something about how Augsburg College is officially opposing the Minnesota Marriage Amendment and how they’re the first college in the state to take a stance yada yada gay panic. Here’s the conversation we had that followed hearing that story.



TRAINER: A college taking a stance on gay marriage. That’s messed up.



ME: Hey, good for them. This whole “kick ’em while they’re down” amendment is messed up, anyway.



TRAINER:“Kick ’em when they’re down”? Alright, you probably know how I feel about all of this (the subject of gay rights came up in conversation a few times and he didn’t state his opinion, probably out of concern of being viewed as intolerent. He did, however, say things like “well, I’m a Christian so…” or “well, I’m a conservative so you probably know what I think about that”) but what are you talking about?



ME:This whole amendment is just about making gay marriage “super illegal”.



TRAINER:Super illegal?



ME:Yeah, this vote isn’t even about legalizing gay marriage.



TRAINER:Wait, what?



ME:Yeah. Gays can’t get married in Minnesota. When I went to get the marriage certificate with my wife, there was a thing at the bottom that said “is one of you a chick and one of you a dude?” The wording was a little more official but yeah, it’s already illegal to get gay married in MN. This vote is on whether or not to change the state’s constitution to say that gays can’t get married. So, it’s already legal but if this passes it will still be illegal and hey, fuck you, queers.



TRAINER:Really?



ME:Yep. If this doesn’t pass, gay marriage will still be illegal.



TRAINER:Huh. That is really a kick ’em when they’re down thing, huh?


I didn’t press the issue past that. I’m not about to change some hardcore conservative’s views, I’m the new guy at work so I don’t want to get into an argument with my trainer and frankly, I was surprised that I got him listening and thinking about the whole thing.



Here’s the kicker. This guy isn’t an idiot. I’m not about to follow him around with a notebook writing down his quotes but he is by no means stupid. He’s just a regular guy and he thought that this vote was to legalize gay marriage in Minnesota when it really isn’t.



He can’t be alone. How many other people in this state have the same ideas about this vote?



Shit, maybe instead of yelling at people I don’t agree with I should try to have a conversation with them.



There has to be a less confusing slogan than this one.

Go Out and Vote Today! Or Not. It’s Just the Primaries, Really.

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Today hundreds of Americans will meander lazily to local schoolhouses, churches and those buildings in public parks that are always locked up and when you see them you’re always like “what are those buildings for? They’re never fucking open!” to vote for which candidate they wish to represent their preferred party in the Senate and House.



Also, some district judges and school board spots or whatever.



I went and voted in the primaries this morning –



Proof!





I’ve never actually voted in a primary before because, well… they’re the primaries. Today, however, I was reminded by the Star Tribune that today was primary day and the stars aligned for me to go out and vote because –

1: I don’t have a pesky job to keep me from the polling booth during voting hours (although voting is a great way to duck out of work. I think employers legally have to let you go out and vote).

2: The nearest polling place is a three minute walk from my front door.

3: The U.S. Rep in my district, Keith Ellison, is being challenged by an out of state, fetus fetishizing islamophobe and while I’ve stated that Boisclair has no chance, the Ellison camp seems concerned enough to throw $5 to some facebook ads so I figured I’d put out equal effort-

This is the first time anybody’s ever been affected by a facebook ad ever.





Will you vote in today’s primaries? To find out if voting in the primaries is right for you, ask yourself these questions –

Do you like voting but hate long lines? Or any lines? Do you enjoy the thought of being the only person in the room who is not an election judge?

Do you enjoy free stickers? I only got one but this is the primaries, baby! They’re flying casual today. You can probably get all the stickers you want! Ask for a dozen.

Are you running for school board? Did you know that you can vote for yourself if you’re on the ballot?

Do you live in Minnesota’s fifth district? Is your Representative who’s actually pretty cool and good at his job being challenged by some insane Randall Terry hand-puppet?


If you answered “yes” to any of these questions then voting in the primaries may just be right for you so head on down to your local polling place!



Or don’t. Whatever.

Romney Picks Worst Possible VP Candidate.

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So Mitt Romney finally decided to pick a veep and it’s US Rep. Paul Ryan. The news is doing their best to wring every possible story out of this from the left and the right. CNN won’t stop talking about how Ryan wants to eliminate Medicare or whatever and Fox News actually said he understands the working class because in high school he worked at a McDonald’s. Personally, I think this is the worst choice Romney could have made. Not because of Ryan’s policies, views or history. Paul Ryan is a shit choice because there’s nothing funny about him.



He even looks too normal. I mean, his ears are kind of big but not really… ugh.





There’s just nothing funny about the guy. He doesn’t hate gays or if he does he doesn’t really make it public, he doesn’t call Planned Parenthood a crime syndicate or anything like that. He doesn’t belong to a wacky religion or have a crazy wife. I can’t get an angle on this guy for humor because all he talks about is the economy.



Granted, his ideas are bad but they’re not “hilariously bad”. In fact, some of his ideas actually sound kind of good at first glance but when you do some nuanced deconstruction of what he’s saying you see that they’re really flawed. Like his idea to close all corporate tax loopholes while lowering the corporate tax amount sounds good but when you realize he doesn’t distinguish the difference between bullshit “loopholes” and credits to companies that keep work in the U.S, reduce carbon emissions etc. it’s pretty messed up. That’s why there’s so many videos on youtube of Paul Ryan “schooling” political news anchors and commentators. His ideas are the kind that you can just shout at somebody and if they don’t bother looking into it they kind of make sense but that’s not funny.



Seriously, Mitt could have done so much better with his choice. There were so many funny VP candidates to choose from. Crazy Ayotte, that tub-o-sweat Christie or even goofy ol’ Pawlenty but this is the guy he went with? What am I supposed to do with that?



The only thing that’s even remotely funny is that he’s got a huge boner for Ayn Rand. So much that he makes his staff read her books. The fact that he collected Social Security benefits from age 16-18 after his father’s death and used the money to pay for his education is kind of ironic and funny (especially since Ayn Rand collected Social Security, too) but I can’t really do too much with that.



Way to go, Mitt. You blew it.

Is Keith Ellison a Baby Murdering, Christian Mutilating Freedom Hater?

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Of course he isn’t. Congressman Ellison is a freedom loving man who has never murdered a single baby and wouldn’t harm a hair on a Christian’s head. Nobody would make such wild accusations against a congressman. If they did, they’d have to be totally bananers.



Oh, wait.


[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tlfeUZr3OOc&w=560&h=315]
would you trust a man who swore his oath on a book once owned by Thomas Jefferson?



Meet Gary Boisclair. Gary is running against Keith Ellison for a congressional seat in Minnesota’s 5th district. Gary will lose because Gary’s crazy. If that ad wasn’t enough for you, he did another one about abortions (click here for the ad. The embed code isn’t working for this which is okay since it’s super gross and chock-full-o’-fetuses. I don’t want all those fetii clogging up my blog).



For more information about how Gary’s batshit insane, let’s look at his website, garyinthehouse.com –



Do you think he flirted with the idea of making the domain “garyinDAhouse.com”? I’d like to think he did.




1. Boom. First image on the headline banner? Most candidates would go with a picture of themselves or their family or their campaign logo. Not Gary. Fetus in yo’ face! Ellison kills these! And probably eats them on Ramadan or something! Sharia Law!

2. That “click here to learn more” link? Click it and it takes you to a two page diatribe written by lunatic Randall Terry about how The economy sucks because God’s punishing us for abortions. Really.



Randall Terry screaming at gay people with a megaphone.




3. Oh hey look how all his press releases and news links are only about how awful his ads are and how TV Stations are only running them because they’re legally required to.



I really take comfort in the fact that this guy has no chance of winning. His brand of Islamophobic fetus fetishism might fly in Bachmann’s neck of the woods but Minnesota’s fifth district consists of Minneapolis and a couple of immediate suburbs. Who would even help bankroll this guy’s awful ads?



Come to think of it, I would. I would donate to this guy’s campaign.



Think about it. It’s well established that Boisclair has absolutely no chance of winning. The man’s clearly insane, he’s running as a “tea party Democrat” which just confuses people and he’s spouting anti-Muslim rhetoric in a district that houses 80% of the state’s Muslim population.



Now that we’ve made it clear that there’s no way this guy would win, wouldn’t you want to donate to his campaign just to see the crazy ads he’d make between now and election day?



Think about it. If the christian killing and dead fetus parade ads were just the first two and political ads get more heated and inflammatory the closer it gets to election, where would he go from here? I kind of want to donate just to see if he can make one of Ellison hitting a pregnant woman in the stomach with a Koran or photoshop him in a cave with Osama Bin Laden eating babies or something. I kind of want to see just how far this nutjub will go.



Kind of. I’m not actually going to give him any of my money. Guy’s a goddamn loon.

Putin Stomps Down Pussy Riot

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As I’ve mentioned in this blog before, Vladimir Putin is a scary, scary man. Just look at him –



Wait…





Probably not the best pic to use. He’s really not that scary when he’s all goofy smiles and shiny dresses. Okay, here we go –



It’s just a tranq gun. He actually turned it on him self and shot a dart in his leg to even the odds before running off to wrestle a bear.





He’s scary. He spent years working in the KGB, the agency that was the bad guy in every ’80s action movie. He’s the master of several martial arts. His favorite hobby is shooting large animals with tranquilizer darts for study and tracking which means he has a vicious bloodlust but is shrewd enough to act out his violent urges without ruining his image. Scary.



Now I’m not totally familiar with his politics except that his elections are totally rigged but that alone should let you know he’s not on the level. Just look at him. He’s totally up to something –



Shady.





Oh and here’s another thing. He throws political dissidents in jail forever.



The story linked is about Russian female punk band Pussy Riot. They’ve been doing protest shows around Moscow and their most recent stunt was to go to the Cathedral of Christ the Savior and play their song “Punk Prayer” –



[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ALS92big4TY&w=560&h=315]



In the song they sing “Our Lady, vote Putin out!” This happened in March. The three band members in the video were quickly arrested for “hooliganism” and have been in jail ever since.



Putin doesn’t take kindly to riots from any body part.





The Russian government just slapped another six months of incarceration on them and their trial starts today. If found guilty, which will probably happen because Putin is a scary karate spy that rigs elections so he wouldn’t have a problem setting up a kangaroo court for the women, they could face up to seven years in prison for jumping around and singing in a church.



This is crazy. By simply doing a non violent protest, Pussy Riot has gained the ire of the Russian President, the attention of international media and the complete jealousy of every American punk band that thought getting a little pepper spray at an Occupy protest gave them punk cred.



Hopefully this sparks some change. A lot of people are watching to see how this plays out. If Putin does decide to make an example of these women there’s a small chance this could lead to actual riots and not just the pussy kind. Chances are he’ll probably feel the heat, let them go and nothing major will happen but I’d love it if this actually created some change in Russia. Not just because their government is corrupt and needs change but it’d be hilarious if major reform all started with a Pussy Riot. Revaginaolution. A Coup de Clit.



That’s Georga O’Keefe flower power.


The Jealousy of Michele Bachmann

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Okay. This is going to come as a shock to a lot of you but this actually happened. Michele Bachmann said something stupid and crazy. No lie.



Last week she and four other representatives sent letters to security officials warning that the Muslim Brotherhood may have infiltrated the U.S. government. Among the top of the list, Hillary Clinton aide Huma Abedin.



Muslim!





Basically, her family members knew people who knew people who are in the Muslim Brotherhood, an organization that Al-Queda hates for not being evil enough.



If she is an operative she must be under the deepest cover ever considering she just had a kid with a Jewish guy.



Of course the allegations are baseless. High ranking republicans like John McCain and John Boehner have gone on record to say that it’s bonkers to think that she’s a terrorist. That doesn’t mean that some people aren’t going to believe Bachmann. Abedin has received death threats since Bachmann opened her crazy mouth and Wes Harris, head of the Arizona Tea Party (“Arizona Tea Party” is a really redundant term. Might as well just say “crazy crazy”)is trying to get John McCain recalled for defending Abedin.



There’s so many reasons why these attacks on Huma Abedin are just completely untrue, she’s a dedicated public servant, close friends with the Clinton family (former Prez. Bill presided over her wedding and Hillary has refered to her as a “second daughter), not to mention she’s way too hot to be a terrorist –



I wouldn’t touch that guy with a ten foot waterboard.


If that’s what terrorists look like she can jihad my evil empire any day.





The real question here is why is Michele Bachmann doing this? Of course she’s crazy and an Islamophobe but that really can’t be enough to try to ruin the name of an innocent woman. I think I know what’s motivating her. Jealousy.



She’s jealous of Huma Abedin. Now, you may ask what she could be jealous of, other than Huma’s intelligence, class, looks and the fact that people don’t roll their eyes every time she speaks. It’s her husband, former Congressman Anthony Weiner.



Bachmann just can’t get over the fact that Huma Abedin married somebody so… heterosexual.



Think about it. You can call Anthony Weiner a lot of things but you can’t call him a closet case. Just ask all those girls he sent cock pics to on twitter. He’s so very straight! To top it all off he’s Jewish (just ask all those girls he sent cock pics to on twitter) which means he’s straight without any help from Jesus! He didn’t even have to pray away any gay! Bachmann takes one look at her husband, who’s one disgruntled masseuse from getting Travolta’d and then looks at Huma’s husband and it sends her into a jealous rage! She can’t handle it so her only option is to try to ruin her.



That has to be it. The only other explanation is that Michele Bachmann is a bigoted, racist whack job.

More Like Chick-fil-Gay AMIRITE?

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So The Muppets snubbed Chick-fil-A this week, cancelling a toy sponsorship deal with the fast food chain due to CEO Dan Cathy coming out and saying he’s against gay marriage.



Well, he didn’t say he’s against gay marriage. They rarely do. He said “”We are very much supportive of the family — the biblical definition of the family unit. We are a family-owned business, a family-led business, and we are married to our first wives. We give God thanks for that…we know that it might not be popular with everyone, but thank the Lord, we live in a country where we can share our values and operate on biblical principles.”



So the Muppet company severed ties and said they’d donate their payment from Chick-fil-A to GLAAD. Good for them.



Now some people are saying that the Muppets shouldn’t get into political issues but it’s been public knowledge for a while that The Muppets have liberal leanings –



about 50,000 people shared this on George Takei’s facebook page today.





Also, if the Muppets should stay out of social issues, so should a greasy chicken shack.



What really gets me, though is that this is another example of people trying to oppress the gays by saying they “support traditional marriage.” Great. Support traditional marriage all you want. I support traditional marriage. I’m even a part of one! Here’s the difference between how I support traditional marriage and how Dan Cathy supports traditional marriage. I also support gay marriage.



Seriously. You can support both. You don’t have to choose one or the other. When Jena and I applied for a marriage license the guy behind the counter didn’t ask what we thought about gay marriage.



In fact, you don’t even need to support gay marriage. You can think whatever you want about gay marriage just don’t donate a bunch of money trying to make it harder for non-traditional families because in the end that’s all you’re doing. You’re making things harder for people you don’t like. You’re messing with them, bullying them.



So when Dan Cathy says “I support traditional marriage”, what he’s really saying is “I don’t like gay people so I spend a bunch of money making sure they’ll never be truly happy. I think I’m better than them so I make sure that they don’t get the same privileges as me. Gay people have never done anything to me. I’ve never been attacked by a bunch of homosexuals or robbed by a gay street gang. This war I’m helping wage against them is completely unprovoked.”



So thank you, Muppets. Hopefully society will recognize the union of same-sex couples and someday even gay Muppets can get married –



“Back to the lab, beaker! We can test out my new motorized butt-plug!”





Of course I wasn’t referring to Bert and Ernie. They’re just roommates.