Romney Picks Worst Possible VP Candidate.

So Mitt Romney finally decided to pick a veep and it’s US Rep. Paul Ryan. The news is doing their best to wring every possible story out of this from the left and the right. CNN won’t stop talking about how Ryan wants to eliminate Medicare or whatever and Fox News actually said he understands the working class because in high school he worked at a McDonald’s. Personally, I think this is the worst choice Romney could have made. Not because of Ryan’s policies, views or history. Paul Ryan is a shit choice because there’s nothing funny about him.



He even looks too normal. I mean, his ears are kind of big but not really… ugh.





There’s just nothing funny about the guy. He doesn’t hate gays or if he does he doesn’t really make it public, he doesn’t call Planned Parenthood a crime syndicate or anything like that. He doesn’t belong to a wacky religion or have a crazy wife. I can’t get an angle on this guy for humor because all he talks about is the economy.



Granted, his ideas are bad but they’re not “hilariously bad”. In fact, some of his ideas actually sound kind of good at first glance but when you do some nuanced deconstruction of what he’s saying you see that they’re really flawed. Like his idea to close all corporate tax loopholes while lowering the corporate tax amount sounds good but when you realize he doesn’t distinguish the difference between bullshit “loopholes” and credits to companies that keep work in the U.S, reduce carbon emissions etc. it’s pretty messed up. That’s why there’s so many videos on youtube of Paul Ryan “schooling” political news anchors and commentators. His ideas are the kind that you can just shout at somebody and if they don’t bother looking into it they kind of make sense but that’s not funny.



Seriously, Mitt could have done so much better with his choice. There were so many funny VP candidates to choose from. Crazy Ayotte, that tub-o-sweat Christie or even goofy ol’ Pawlenty but this is the guy he went with? What am I supposed to do with that?



The only thing that’s even remotely funny is that he’s got a huge boner for Ayn Rand. So much that he makes his staff read her books. The fact that he collected Social Security benefits from age 16-18 after his father’s death and used the money to pay for his education is kind of ironic and funny (especially since Ayn Rand collected Social Security, too) but I can’t really do too much with that.



Way to go, Mitt. You blew it.

MEANWHILE, IN THE OFFICES OF THE HUFFINGTON POST

EDITOR: Great job watching yesterday’s Daily Show, Colbert Report and Rachel Maddow, writing descriptions of what you saw and posting those descriptions with embedded videos of said shows, people! What’s next on the docket?



“WRITER”: We still need a top story for tomorrow, sir.



EDITOR: Okay, we need a headline! Something that people need to know! Something that will grab their attention! Serious journalism aggregation!



“WRITER”: Well, there’s an AP article on the summer drought causing a corn shortage…



EDITOR: Any way we can link this to Romney?



“WRITER”: Well, not really.



EDITOR: Then you’re wasting my time, kid!



“WRITER”: But this is really important stuff! A shortage of corn could be disastrous. We use corn for so many things! It’s used in so many food products, it’s used to feed livestock, even ethanol gas is made from corn! This can affect food prices and fuel prices. A shortage of corn in this shakey economy could potentially lead to a national crisis!



EDITOR: Hm. Good point. Okay, you convinced me! Sprinkle on the usual “according to the Associated Press” and “the article said” throughout the original piece and throw it up on the site! Now all we need is a headline…



“WRITER”: Okay, I was thinking something that would really convey the severity of the issue.



EDITOR: I got it! Let’s use a corn pun!



“WRITER”: …Saywhatnow?



EDITOR: Yeah! A corn pun! That’s what’s needed to jazz this boring old article up! Something like “Aw Shucks!”.



“WRITER”: You can’t be serious.



EDITOR: I’ve been repurposing newswire articles for nearly a decade and I’ll be goddamned if I get told how to do my job from some snot nosed kid straight out of UNC! If you want the article on the front page it’s going up with a corn pun!





Country Music Star Randy Travis Jailed for Acting Out Country Music Song

In an effort to connect with fans and show that he hasn’t lost touch with his country roots, Randy Travis was arrested earlier this week for drunk driving and threatening police officers.



I think we’ve found his next album cover!





Luckily, a couple of fans bailed him out because they knew what he was doing.



See, you may not realize this but Randy Travis is a method country music writer. Much like the method actor, he has to completely immerse himself into the feeling of a song if he wants to write. He was just trying to get into the mindset of writing a new song. It hasn’t been released yet but I’ve pulled a few strings to get a leaked copy of the lyrics. Here you go! –



“You Broke My Heart, I Broke The Law, My Car And My Liver”

Well ever since you left me,
I’ve done nothin’ every day but drink,
So to clear my head, I stripped naked,
drove to the store to think,

I wanted to buy some cigarettes but my
naked body carried no cash
wrapped my car around a telephone pole,
decided I’d follow suit and crash,

well the cops showed up a half hour later
and, you could blame this on the booze
but when they woke me I was a might rowdy
from them interrupting my snooze

(chorous)
I said “I’ll kiiiiiiill you fucking pigs!
Do you know who the fuck I am?
I’m country superstar Randy Travis!
King of this podunk land!”
(end chorous)

the police didn’t take kindly to
the way I ranted and wailed
They tazered my nutsack and roughed me up
and before I knew, I was jailed

But lucky for me we’re in the south
I’m famous and I’m white
Some hillbillies took pity on me
and bailed me out the next night

(repeat chorous 2x)


He’s not some pathetic, has been, belligerent drunk. He’s an artist.


How to Stop Sexism in Gaming.

The New York Times published a story about Miranda Pakozdi, who forfeited the Capcom Cross-Assault reality show / video game competition after her trainer, Aris Bakhtanians, told her to take her shirt off, asked about her bra size, smelled her and then said that sexual harassment is a part of the gaming community (he said it later, not while he was smelling her. That would’ve been even creepier). The article brings to light the bigger problem of the environment of harassment and general sexism in gaming.



Wait a second. There’s sexism in Gaming? You’ve







got







to







be







kidding







me



must be chilly in Scrooge McDuck’s vault





This problem has been around for a long time but is just now gaining mainstream attention as gaming becomes more mainstream. The problem is that the gaming community is full of awful, horrible people. Don’t believe me? Go buy an Xbox, play Call of Duty, throw on a headset and find out how a bunch of 14 year olds think you’re a nigger faggot.



Women gamers have it particularly bad, though. Just check out this blog called Fat, Ugly or Slutty which post screencaps from women either getting insulted, clumsily hit on or outright threatened.



The article also asks “how do you stop this?” Microsoft says they’re working on a way to better police online chatter but that doesn’t really get to the root of the problem. The article links a great piece by Erin Kissane called how to kill a troll but there’s an easier way to do this.



You gamers need to stop being so fucking gross.



Yes, you. If you’re an avid gamer and you’ve ever done any of this gross shit to a girl online, just stop. Seriously.



I get it. Why you’re like this. You started playing games obsessively because you had a hard time with social interaction. You played so much that you got really good and found some friends with the same interests. With just you and your like minded buddies you could just let the misogynistic slurs fly and you got comfortable talking like that. Now more girls are gaming and you’re supposed to change just because video games are commercially viable?



Yes. They’re people. They paid money to play a game and they deserve to play it without being harrassed. Stop asking to see their tits. It’s fucking gross.



Seriously.

Bill Murray Party

Everybody loves Bill Murray. He’s a ghostbuster, he had a hilarious cameo in Zombieland, he’s been in pretty much every Wes Anderson movie, he’s part owner of the Saint Paul Saints, he banged Gilda Radner. Bill Murray’s done so much cool shit in his lifetime that his fans would forgive him for doing three more Garfield movies.



He totally seems like the kind of guy you’d want to party with which is why the announcement of the Bill Murray Party Crashing Tour sounds so awesome.







Of course it’s not true but wouldn’t that be awesome? Bill Murray drinking and singing karaoke at your party?



No he won’t.





It’s really too bad this is a made up story. That would be so much fun just to see how many people would fly banners outside their house to lure in Bill Murray to get drunk and belt out some karaoke. I’d totally put a banner in front of my house in hopes that Mr. Murray would crash my party. Here’s how I’d set it up.



Bill Murray knocks on my door. I open it wearing a Bill Murray mask and the leather Ernie McCracken shirt. Nobody else is in the house. There’s five bottles of Sailor Jerry rum on the coffee table and Elvis Costello’s “(What’s So Funny Bout) Peace, Love and Understanding?” is playing on a constant loop on the karaoke machine. I’ll look him right in the eyes, say “nobody will ever believe you” and slam the door in his face.


Heterosexual Awareness Month: A Thing That Actually Exists but not Really

When I was 15 years old I had my first job at Rainbow Foods pushing carts and cleaning up dropped jars of baby food. I’d spend my lunch break in the breakroom eating something from the deli and reading a copy of Weekly World News –



The LAMESTREAM media never reported on how termites ate the Eiffel Tower.





I loved it. The articles about Bat Boy leading people on a high speed chase, interviews with a still alive Elvis, the so-right-wing-it’s-downright-fascist columns of Ed Anger. Made me laugh out loud in the breakroom. Whenever a coworker saw me reading it for the first time they’d just scoff and say “Are you retarded?” (it was the ’90s. People said the “R” word back then.) “You know none of that is true, right?”



Of course I knew it wasn’t true. It was a humor publication. They didn’t come out and say it was bullshit because that’s part of the joke. Stephen Colbert doesn’t begin each show by saying “I’m actually pretty liberal”. That’s how satire works. Granted, Weekly World News was a little ham-handed in their approach so most people didn’t get it.



That’s going to happen whenever you attempt satire, though. Whether you do it well or not, there’s always going to be some people that don’t get the joke. There’s a whole website dedicated to facebook posts of people who think Onion articles are real.



The reason I bring this up is that yesterday I found out about a facebook group for Heteroxexual Awareness Month



We’re here! We’re straight! Oh… you’re already used to it? Okay.





This group has declared July “Hetero Awareness Month” and has been posting about hetero pride. Everybody’s pissed off about it. Each recent post is littered with comments of people fiercely debating gay rights. There’s a tumbler dedicated to posting screencaps of the group and commenting on how stupid they are, a buzzfeed article with the 20 most ridiculous posts on the group, forums and blog posts decrying the group’s obvious homophobia.



Seriously? This page is an obvious parody. They couldn’t be trying any harder to make it known that it’s an obvious parody. Look at this –



Do you really think they believe that celebrities are coming out of the closet in an effort to silence them? Really?





Come on. The very idea of homophobes trying to start a straight pride is pretty ridiculous, much less one that posts pictures like this –



Nobody wonders why there’s no hetero milk. This is a joke. They’re trying to make a joke.





Or this –



Every house needs closets. Otherwise there’d be clothes everywhere and you wouldn’t be able to hide Christmas presents.





I get why people are upset. There are homophobes out there that try to portray themselves as the victim. I’ve seen the whole “You claim to be tolerant but you’re intolerant of my belief that marriage should be between a man and a woman!” argument plenty of times before (which doesn’t make sense. To have “tolerance” you need an absence of “intolerance”. Being against gay marriage is “intolerant” so it’s literally impossible to be tolerant of that). This page, however, really ramps that view up to the degree where they think that there’s an actual threat on heterosexuals and they need to help people say it’s okay to be straight. It’s ridiculous –



Of course heterosexuals are everywhere. Nobody’s ever said otherwise.





Getting people to think heterosexuality is normal at a young age is all part of the straight agenda.





Parody, satire, troll, call it what you will. Whoever started this group obviously doesn’t actually believe this stuff and is trying to get some laughs. That has to be it. The only other explanation is that they’re incredibly stupid and hateful.

Putin Stomps Down Pussy Riot

As I’ve mentioned in this blog before, Vladimir Putin is a scary, scary man. Just look at him –



Wait…





Probably not the best pic to use. He’s really not that scary when he’s all goofy smiles and shiny dresses. Okay, here we go –



It’s just a tranq gun. He actually turned it on him self and shot a dart in his leg to even the odds before running off to wrestle a bear.





He’s scary. He spent years working in the KGB, the agency that was the bad guy in every ’80s action movie. He’s the master of several martial arts. His favorite hobby is shooting large animals with tranquilizer darts for study and tracking which means he has a vicious bloodlust but is shrewd enough to act out his violent urges without ruining his image. Scary.



Now I’m not totally familiar with his politics except that his elections are totally rigged but that alone should let you know he’s not on the level. Just look at him. He’s totally up to something –



Shady.





Oh and here’s another thing. He throws political dissidents in jail forever.



The story linked is about Russian female punk band Pussy Riot. They’ve been doing protest shows around Moscow and their most recent stunt was to go to the Cathedral of Christ the Savior and play their song “Punk Prayer” –



[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ALS92big4TY&w=560&h=315]



In the song they sing “Our Lady, vote Putin out!” This happened in March. The three band members in the video were quickly arrested for “hooliganism” and have been in jail ever since.



Putin doesn’t take kindly to riots from any body part.





The Russian government just slapped another six months of incarceration on them and their trial starts today. If found guilty, which will probably happen because Putin is a scary karate spy that rigs elections so he wouldn’t have a problem setting up a kangaroo court for the women, they could face up to seven years in prison for jumping around and singing in a church.



This is crazy. By simply doing a non violent protest, Pussy Riot has gained the ire of the Russian President, the attention of international media and the complete jealousy of every American punk band that thought getting a little pepper spray at an Occupy protest gave them punk cred.



Hopefully this sparks some change. A lot of people are watching to see how this plays out. If Putin does decide to make an example of these women there’s a small chance this could lead to actual riots and not just the pussy kind. Chances are he’ll probably feel the heat, let them go and nothing major will happen but I’d love it if this actually created some change in Russia. Not just because their government is corrupt and needs change but it’d be hilarious if major reform all started with a Pussy Riot. Revaginaolution. A Coup de Clit.



That’s Georga O’Keefe flower power.


Let the Olympic Games Begin!

The 2012 Summer Olympics starts today and I am incredibly excited. So many sports to choose from. Horse Jumping, Table Tennis, Sailing, I love them all! It’s a shame the summer games only comes once every four years but that makes it all the sweeter.



One of the sports that fans will certainly be keeping an eye on this year is Women’s Hurdles. Particularly because of a young Australian rising star named Michelle Jenneke, who became a youtube sensation after her pre-race warmup dance went viral (yeah I’m not posting the cheesy 80’s music version) –



[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-qhR0Ie64PI&w=560&h=315]



Jenneke, who is one to watch in this year’s Olympic games… wait.



She didn’t make it into this year’s games?



Man, fuck the Olympics! Who really watches that shit, anyway?



See you in 2016, I guess.

Cries of 12 Million North Korean Women Heard as Kim Jong-un no Longer Single

Sorry ladies, this guy’s off the market –



Formerly North Korea’s most eligible bachelor.





Kim Jong-un, the Supreme Glorious Invincible Chairman Leader Commander of the DPRK (official title) has been seen recently out with his new wife, Ri Sol-ju. Here they are at a recent trip to a waterpark which KCNA news reports he built with his own two hands out of love for his people –



“Who needs food when you’ve got waterslides, amirite, loyal subjects? OF COURSE I AM RIGHT CLAP FOR ME”





KCNA, the state run news agency of North Korea, has the full story of their whirlwind romance. Rather than post a link I’ll just reprint the whole story here, unedited.


SUPREME LEADER WED AFTER BEST COURTSHIP
Pyongyang, July 25 (KCNA) — Glorious Commander of the DPRK Kim Jong-un recently wed Ri Sol-ju, unanimously voted to be the most beautiful woman in all of DPRK next to Kim Jong-un in drag. The story of the couple’s romance shall be told as a bedtime story to children and adapted into several succesful films in the future.

The Illustrious Chairman first saw Ri Sol-ju defeat several drug lords in hand to hand combat while she moonlighted as a vigilante. He was immediately smitten with her but her father would not allow her to date unless her older, dour sister could also find a date. After relocating her father and sister to work camps, the Glorious leader took Ri Sol-ju to a diner where they engaged in witty conversation about the quirks of relationships. When Leader Kim Jong-un humbly admitted that no woman has ever faked orgasm when with him Ri Sol-ju proceeded to fake an orgasm to prove he could not tell the difference between a fake and real one. Her fake orgasm was so convincing that everybody in the diner fell unconscious from pure pleasure except the Glorious leader who calmly looked her in the eyes and told her he could totally tell that it was fake.

The Commanding Leader proposed to Ri Sol-ju after winning a ski competition on the dangerous K-12 slope against the mean ski instructor. She accepted and they were soon married. Eyewitnesses report that on the night of their wedding, a beam of light shot from the roof of the royal palace and the Glorious Chairman burst out the roof, his body covered in a fiery aura and his hair much longer and a luminescent blonde, indicating that he had gone Super Saiyan. He dove back down to the bedroom and Ri Sol-ju’s moans of pleasure, much different than the fake ones in the diner, could be hear for miles and caused erections in even the most impotent of old men.

It is rumored she is now with child, the child will be born in exactly 9 months and will leave the womb of his own volition without the help from the mother or a doctor.



Congratulations!

The Jealousy of Michele Bachmann

Okay. This is going to come as a shock to a lot of you but this actually happened. Michele Bachmann said something stupid and crazy. No lie.



Last week she and four other representatives sent letters to security officials warning that the Muslim Brotherhood may have infiltrated the U.S. government. Among the top of the list, Hillary Clinton aide Huma Abedin.



Muslim!





Basically, her family members knew people who knew people who are in the Muslim Brotherhood, an organization that Al-Queda hates for not being evil enough.



If she is an operative she must be under the deepest cover ever considering she just had a kid with a Jewish guy.



Of course the allegations are baseless. High ranking republicans like John McCain and John Boehner have gone on record to say that it’s bonkers to think that she’s a terrorist. That doesn’t mean that some people aren’t going to believe Bachmann. Abedin has received death threats since Bachmann opened her crazy mouth and Wes Harris, head of the Arizona Tea Party (“Arizona Tea Party” is a really redundant term. Might as well just say “crazy crazy”)is trying to get John McCain recalled for defending Abedin.



There’s so many reasons why these attacks on Huma Abedin are just completely untrue, she’s a dedicated public servant, close friends with the Clinton family (former Prez. Bill presided over her wedding and Hillary has refered to her as a “second daughter), not to mention she’s way too hot to be a terrorist –



I wouldn’t touch that guy with a ten foot waterboard.


If that’s what terrorists look like she can jihad my evil empire any day.





The real question here is why is Michele Bachmann doing this? Of course she’s crazy and an Islamophobe but that really can’t be enough to try to ruin the name of an innocent woman. I think I know what’s motivating her. Jealousy.



She’s jealous of Huma Abedin. Now, you may ask what she could be jealous of, other than Huma’s intelligence, class, looks and the fact that people don’t roll their eyes every time she speaks. It’s her husband, former Congressman Anthony Weiner.



Bachmann just can’t get over the fact that Huma Abedin married somebody so… heterosexual.



Think about it. You can call Anthony Weiner a lot of things but you can’t call him a closet case. Just ask all those girls he sent cock pics to on twitter. He’s so very straight! To top it all off he’s Jewish (just ask all those girls he sent cock pics to on twitter) which means he’s straight without any help from Jesus! He didn’t even have to pray away any gay! Bachmann takes one look at her husband, who’s one disgruntled masseuse from getting Travolta’d and then looks at Huma’s husband and it sends her into a jealous rage! She can’t handle it so her only option is to try to ruin her.



That has to be it. The only other explanation is that Michele Bachmann is a bigoted, racist whack job.