It’s 8am and I’m already drunk.

I woke up early this morning. Before my alarm. For anyone who knows me, this is kind of a big deal. But I had this feeling that something big was going to happen today. Like, the spidey sense of comedy was tingling. I could sense the danger.

So I did what any good comedian does when they want to get the latest from what’s tickling society, and hopped on Facebook.

Here is what I saw:

This isn’t even a tenth of them…

(Two of the stories in this picture are other liberal propaganda against Republicans. One of them was intentional, and one was not. The one that wasn’t was the Obamacare story. But Hell if I’m going to fix it now.)

I saw all this, and I started drinking. Not just because I’m an alcoholic, but because this is truly a sad, sad day for us.

YoungNotions is going to have to close up shop.

There is no way we’re going to be able to bring you the same quality articles we brought you in the past. I just did a search, and in just over 2 years of the comedy website’s posts, 3 pages of the results were about Michele Bachmann.

We brought you Michele Bachmann fellating a corndog.
We’ve shared in her crazy lies and crazy eyes.
We’ve discussed the restraining order on her from God.
We’ve reveled in her financial woes.
We’ve outed her jealousy of other women in politics.

And we’ve talked about Bill’s absolute and complete obsession with her repeatedly. And by we, I mean Bill.

But all of that is going away. Because Michele Bachmann is not going to run for re-election.

I actually have this pic in a YoungNotions folder on my desk for frequently used images.

When I heard the news, I reached for the nearest bottle of alcohol (rubbing) and just downed the entire thing. I’m super angry. Angry that she’s making comedy harder on me. Angry that she’s removing the bread and butter of our comedy site. Angry that I’m going to have to start doing actual research on things going on instead of making cheap shots about how her husband is probably gay.

Actually, I think that joke is pretty lame. One, because I hate it when people tell me I’m a different orientation than I am, and Two, because it’s super lazy. Like, way lazier than either Bill or I. And that’s pretty lazy.

Mostly, I was angry that she didn’t wait until tomorrow to do so. Because tomorrow is both Bill’s turn to write the blog AND his birthday. It would have been the best birthday ever. Like a life sized hot chick made of chocolate with a boozy inside (I didn’t get him one of those, either). Instead, she’s like that awkward friend who ruins the surprise party by talking about how they’ll see the person being surprised the next day at the surprise party they don’t know about.

Way to ruin my husband’s birthday, Michele. Way to ruin YoungNotions. AND WAY TO RUIN AMERICA!!!

And my liver.