Tag Archives: kids

Condoms and Circus Freaks

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My secret shame is that I can’t juggle.

I grew up out at the Renaissance Festival, surrounded by acrobats, magicians, fire performers, clowns, and jugglers. You know, circus freaks. It’s what we do- perform for your amusement. Weird and wacky things that “normal” people don’t do. On the list, juggling is probably the least offensive and most likely trick for an audience member to know. It’s one of those simple things you just try out one day. Hell, my husband… the stand up comedian… you know, people with no useful skills so they tell jokes? Even HE can juggle. He had a two week segment in his suburban high school’s gym class.

But I can’t do it. I get the concept. I see how it works. The weave of the balls like a three strand braid in the air. But for all my half hearted attempts, I’ve never gotten the hang of it.

Which is a shame, because a street performer who can’t juggle is pretty much the lowest rung of the least respected form of entertainment out there. It doesn’t even matter that I have other street skills. I’ve flipped off of someone’s back, I’ve pulled quarters out from behind childrens ears and made them disappear, I’ve walked against invisible wind, I’ve eaten and blown and spun fire…

My favorite poi pic of me.

My favorite poi pic of me. Yes, I’m spinning fire around my body. Still not as cool as juggling.

…hell, I’ve even blocked a nail.

Don’t know what blocking is? It’s a term for pounding a nail into your head via your nostril, done by the human blockhead, the true illusion freak of the sideshow. It’s not a trick I do because it’s hard to be sexy model lady with a nail in your nose. Also, I always want to sneeze. Also, also, I hate how it feels.

I mean, have you ever laughed so hard you snorted soda pop out your nose? Try that with a nail. It’s not *painful* but it’s also not a pleasant experience.

Which is why, in the world of me getting older and kids getting dumber, I just don’t understand the latest YouTube trend among teens.

Nosing condoms.

All the cool kids are taking a condom, snorting it up their nose, and then pulling it out their mouth. They film it and put it on YouTube, and the other kids love it.

This proves to me that YouTube has become our sideshow of circus freaks.

Which makes me wonder if any of them can juggle.

You Can Find Anything On Ebay, Baby.

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A couple weeks ago, YoungNotions announced that we would no longer be doing those shitty text ads advertising ways you can make money at home. We got tired of supporting products we didn’t believe in for a tenth of a Euro. I don’t even know what that translates to in American, but it’s just not worth it.

Instead, we made a Facebook post offering limited sponsor placement for people we like. I would rather our space gets used to promote products and people we believe in. YoungNotions.com is our baby, and if we’re going to sell her, we want it to be to people we like and trust.

You know. Like Misty VanHorn, who is said to have tried selling her children on Facebook to raise funds to bail her boyfriend out of jail.

“The going price was $1,000 for her 10-month-old daughter and … $4,000 for a package deal that included her 2-year-old son.” -firsttoknow.com

And now we know which child she values more.

But Misty is not the only person to attempt selling her children on the internet. A woman in Dallas tried to sell her 4 month old on Criagslist (price not listed), and just so you don’t think it’s only Americans, a German mother tried to sell her 7 month old baby on eBay starting at one Euro. She says she did it as a joke, but eBay shut her down and turned her in just the same.

And she received no bids before she was shut down. That poor baby’s self-esteem must be just awful right now.

Baby selling isn’t just for the internet. One woman tried to sell her baby for $500 at a Taco Bell (would you like that to go?) and one couple at Walmart attempted to sell their 8 month old for just $25.

You really can’t beat the prices at Walmart.

Most of these attempted sales are shitty situations, people that shouldn’t have children, selling them off for drug money. And I say let them. Obviously they shouldn’t have their children if they’re going to use. It’s a win-win.

I did try to find a story where someone sold their child for something other than drugs. I chased down an internet rumor that someone sold their child for Beyonce tickets but it turns out that was just a photoshopped headline passed around the internets for amusement. No one actually tried to sell their baby for tickets to a Beyonce concert.

Nowaygirl

Look, it’s about economics. The going rates for a baby is at least two Eric Clapton balcony seats.

Minneapolis Cops Accused of Baffling “Drugs for Nothing” Program.

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Holy shit. City Pages just put up a story about how Minneapolis cops are supposedly cruising Occupy protests to find people who are high and take them to a facility to take part in an impairment study. Allegedly, if the cops can’t find anybody who is high, they’ll get them high and sometimes even stop at a McDonald’s drive through and get them a McDouble for their trouble. The article even said they took one person who was kind of high already and got him really high before taking him to the study.


It’s no secret that I’m afraid of cops and spending a night in jail did nothing to alleviate my fears but now I have to worry about cops getting kids high?



Great. I knew we were going to have to do the “drug talk” with my stepson sooner or later but now we’ll have to amend it completely. Here we go –



Jared. You’re going to be 12 in just a couple of months and as you get older you’re going to have to make new decisions. Your parents, stepmom and I aren’t going to be around you 100% of the time so we’re trusting you to use good judgement and common sense.

I don’t need to tell you that “drugs are bad”. You’ve heard plenty about the dangers of drugs in school and you’re a smart kid but you need to realize that hearing about it in a classroom is very different from dealing with the situation in real life. I just want you to know that if a police officer tries to give you drugs you need to say “no” and get away from them as fast as possible.

If a cop ever offers you drugs you need to get away and tell somebody. Find a trusted adult like… shit. Cops used to be the “go to” people when thinking of trusted adults. I guess we don’t really have that option anymore. Go and find a… priest? No. Not a priest (at least not a Catholic one). Uh… how about a fireman? Go and find a fireman or something and tell them what happened.

It may not be easy. You may feel pressured into doing the drugs the cops are trying to give you because they’re in a position of authority and you’ve been told since you were a toddler that the police are here to protect you. They also carry loaded firearms so that kind of ups the intimidation factor.

It doesn’t matter. You have a bright future ahead of you and you don’t need to ruin it just because some police officer needs to meet some quota for a drug study.

DARE to resist drugs from cops.