Tag Archives: jesus

Have You Accepted Jesus Christ as Your Lord and Savior: The Game.

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Yesterday I was at work driving to a customer’s house with an assistant (sometimes I get an assistant!). We didn’t talk much and just had the radio on quietly. I had turned off the radio at one point to make a phone call and neglected to turn it back on. After a couple of minutes of silence he looked at me and said “Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your lord and savior?”



Well, shit.



With that one question every silence between us for the rest of the day became an awkward one. Way to go, pushy Christian.



I didn’t jump down his throat about it. I know, religion is a personal thing and it’s annoying and almost a little creepy when somebody you barely know is trying to get you to change religions while you’re just trying to work but they’re honestly just trying to help. As my friend Tony mentioned yesterday on facebook when I posted about the interaction, these people honestly think that you’re going to quite literally burn in hell if you don’t believe like they do. They want to help you.



Knowing this doesn’t make them any less annoying or intrusive but I try to remember this and cut them some slack when dealing with them. If you’re not as patient (or as much of a pushover) as me, you can play the new game I invented the next time you’re confronted with one of these people. It’s-



Have You Accepted Jesus Christ as Your Lord and Savior: The Game.



Rules: Points are awarded based on how you respond to someone asking you the titular question. Play with your friends or play alone!



(0 points)
Just mumble something about how you’re not exactly atheist but you don’t really trust any church and yada yada yada. Trail off on some bullshit about how you think he had some good teachings and hope they shut up (this is what I usually do).



(5 points)
Tell them that you’re gay. Points are only awarded if they say that it’s a sin and you argue them on it.



(10 points)
Make them give you the infomercial pitch. Say “well, I’ve heard about Jesus and heaven but I just don’t see what the big deal is.” Make them sell heaven to you in as detailed manner as possible.



(20 points)
As soon as they ask look at them with wide eyes and say “You can do that? Oh, thank God! Please! Hurry!” Sometimes they’ll try to give you a “rebirth” right on the spot. This usually involves them asking to accept Jesus and reject Satan. When they begin roll your eyes in the back of your head, lower your voice as low as it will go, start growling some backwards latin sounding jibberish and then look at the person and say “Too late, this one is MINE NOW.”



(25 points)
Just start crying. When they ask what’s the matter look at them and say “Jesus RAPED ME!”



(40 points)
Think about it for a second and say “Well, it sounds interesting but let me throw this out there. Have you considered accepting me as your lord and savior?” Really try to sell them on you being the messiah. Offer to buy them waffles and ask them when Jesus ever bought them waffles. Bonus 5,000 points if you can actually get them to follow you.


Good luck

Gay Thoughts

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Kids, we have a problem. I keep having gay thoughts.

I don’t mean sexual things like making out with chicks, slowly stroking her back, taking in the fragrance of her hair while I caress her body, tracing her curves, exploring the beautiful form that is the female body until we start excessively grunting like two lady players on a tennis court.

[youtube=http://youtu.be/j-_5EDVpLXY]

No, I don’t mean that. I’m bisexual, or “part gay,” so it would make sense for me to have those thoughts. I’m SUPPOSED to have those thoughts. Especially when it comes to tennis.

I also don’t mean all these thoughts I’ve been having about gay rights like the ability to get married to the person you love or not getting beaten to death because someone assumes you’re gay. Hell, not even the right to wear a skirt as a dude or, well, I suppose chicks can wear pants now…. how about boxers? They can? Well shit… um… jock straps? I’ll go with jock straps.

This is a real thing.

None of that is a problem because civil liberties and freedom of expression and not having to fear for your life or safety (physical or emotional) because of who you are should be available to everyone as stated in our bill of rights.

I don’t even mean the thoughts I’ve had about how my religion/spirituality views gay sex. Because Jesus said absolutely nothing on the subject, and any other reference to homosexuality in the Bible is either something from a portion of the Bible that says it’s okay to sell your children into slavery, or words that have been mis-translated from concepts such as “child rapist”.

Really, homosexuality in the Bible has way more to do with children than two dudes having sex.

And this whole MN Marriage Amendment… the gay thoughts I’ve been having about that? Doesn’t bother me. As Bill said earlier, if the amendment gets shot down, it doesn’t mean gay people can get married. It will STILL be illegal for two chicks to get hitched and make each other miserable for the rest of their lives. It still won’t affect a church’s ability to deny a couple the ability to get married in their church for whatever reason they deem the couple unfit.

As an aside, here’s a thing I said on Facebook that’s getting passed around and reposted. Please feel free to do the same:

No church is, or ever has been, forced to perform a marriage they did not approve of. Many of my friends have either had to convert to get married in a specific church, or get married outside of their church because their partner was not of that particular denomination.

And honestly, I’m fine with the idea of civil unions in state and marriages in church. but that’s not how we’re set up. We are set up for heterosexuals to get married by the state, but not homosexuals. If it’s the state doing it, and a group of people is denied the right to participate, it becomes a civil issue.

You don’t want your church to marry the gays? Neat. You go ahead an deny them the right to get married in your church. But you don’t get to deny them a civil right. THAT is what separation of church and state means. It means your church can’t tell the state what to do, and the state can’t tell your church to perform a holy union it doesn’t believe in.

No, the gay thoughts I’ve been having are FAR more sinister than that. It’s the OTHER gay thoughts I’ve been having.

For instance, a gay friend of mine has been going through some financial difficulties, and he’s been thinking of ways he could try to supplement his income. But, OMG, with this switch from me being the bread winner to Bill doing so, I’VE BEEN HAVING THE SAME THOUGHTS!

Also, a lesbian friend of mine was having difficulties deciding what to wear the other day, and I think about what I’m going to wear ALL THE TIME!!!

Also also, a friend of mine got into a serious accident recently, and a gay friend of mine was talking about how scary that was, and how his heart really went out to all his loved ones, and wishing for a speedy recovery. AND I WAS THINKING THE EXACT SAME THING AT THE SAME TIME!!!!!

Kids, something has to be done about this. Legislation should be passed to keep the gays with their gay thoughts out of my head, to prevent me from being exposed to sin, and to save me from myself. I can’t even think normally without having the same thoughts as gays.

I guess the only way to save myself from these gay thoughts is to just stop thinking at all.

Would You Like to Join My Religion? No? What if I Gave You a Boring, Sneaky Brochure?

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I think the Jehova’s Witnesses are targeting me specifically.



I don’t know what it is. Maybe I had a little too much fun on my birthday and it pissed them off. Maybe one of them saw me hand out fliers for a comedy show and thought those skills would translate well into handing out pamphlets about the bible or whatever but they’ve got it in for me.


The latest sneak attack happened this morning when I was on a walk in my ongoing attempt to be less goddamn fat. I was walking down lake street when a woman in a van parked on the side of the road leaned out the passenger side and said “would you like something to read?” and handed me a pamphlet.



That man’s got the look of a man who trusts what he’s reading.





I took the pamphlet to be polite, gave her a quick nod, mumbled “thank you” and kept walking. I didn’t need to look at it to know it was a Jehova’s Witness thing. Of course it was. Nobody else just gives you something to read without first explaining what they’re handing you. Even the Mormons are nice enough to wear uniforms and ask up front if you want to talk about Jesus. The Jehova’s Witnesses just hit and run. They want you to convert but won’t say it out loud in public. It’s Jehova’s Witness Protection Program (#mynewbandname).



The biggest pamphlet assault against me happened several years ago. I was doing mortgage collections for a huge bank (let’s call them Fells Wargo). It was an awful job. I was making huge paychecks via commission and just blowing them on booze every night to try to forget what I did to earn the money to buy the booze. Almost every day at work was spent hungover and the person sitting next to me was a Jehova’s Witness.



She never said she was. She let her pamphlets do the talking.



Sometimes the calls were slow and since the internet had a “block anything fun” filter on it I would usually bring in a book to read. Once we were working together on Christmas eve because I needed the money and it was just another day to her. There were no calls coming in and I spent most of the day reading Siddhartha. At one point in the day she looked at the book in my hands and said “Siddhartha? What’s that book about?” I told her it was a story about a man in India who left his home searching for enlightenment in the time of Buddha.



She said “Hm. He sounds like a good man. Do you know who the best man ever was? Jesus.”



A few weeks later I was at my desk reading and she was at hers looking at me, just searching for a way to start a conversation about Jesus. She reached into her purse and said “you like reading so much. I got something you can read if you like.” and handed me a pamphlet that said “How Can Blood Save Your Life”.



No mention of Jesus on the cover. Jehova’s Witness sneak attack!”





You can read the whole pamphlet here. It basically starts out with some 6th grade science about what blood does and then tells you you shouldn’t get blood transfusions because the bible said “”Everything that lives and moves will be food for you. . . . But you must not eat meat that has its lifeblood still in it” (i.e. don’t eat raw meat, dumbass). Then they liken blood transfusions to cannibalism and say it’s unsafe because it was unsafe 200 years ago.



She asked what I thought and I told her that I donate blood regularly, showing her my red cross card. I then told her a couple of personal stories of relatives and friends who would have died without blood transfusions and then she said “I don’t know… having someone else’s blood in me just seems weird. Yuck!” During my break I went to my supervisor demanding to be moved to a different desk.



The very next day I moved to my new desk but only worked a half day because I was driving up to a small town in North Dakota to tell some jokes. I was driving up with the host and headliner telling them about the Jehova’s Witness who wouldn’t leave me alone and the pamphlets. When we arrive at the hotel and check in I look at the coffee table in the lobby and it’s strewn with Watchtower magazines. I yell out “THEY FOLLOWED ME” and the front desk clerk looked at me and said “What?”



I said “Nothing! Inside joke… ha ha” and he looked at me like I was crazy which was good because then maybe he wouldn’t talk to me about Jesus.



I will say they’ve got one of the more attractive Jesuses. Soulful, not too thin, well groomed. Tell me you wouldn’t hit that.




The Goste of Superior Shores Resort.

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Hey, kids! Daddy has a splitting headache right now so how about a story from my honeymoon with Jena so I don’t have to read every news site on the internet for something to make fun of? Here we go!


The suite we’re staying at has a guest book where people can share their experience with future guests. Many are from newlywed couples or people celebrating their anniversary talking about how amazing Split Rock Lighthouse is (holy shit it’s just a lighthouse. Calm the fuck down middle aged couples from Blaine). Some people let their children write their log into the book which can range from adorable to… this.



6/22/08
MAYBELINE SEEN A GOSTE IN THE HOT TUB. WE THOT IT WAS PA, COME BACK FOR HIS $ SO WE BURNT A PUNKIN DOWN BY THE LAKE FER JEEZUS TO COME HELP!
VERNON GUTRANKLE, TN.



Burning pumpkins are like the bat signal but for Jesus.

Easter Around the World!

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Easter is coming and this Sunday kids all over America will look around their houses for baskets filled with chocolate and brightly colored eggs and pet baby chickens that will be abandoned in less than a month.


While we all know about American Easter traditions like the bunny and Easter Basket and Egg Hunt, different cultures celebrate Easter in different ways all around the world. Here’s just a sampling of how Easter is celebrated in different parts of the globe.


Easter Bilby (Australia)

The Easter Bilby is pretty much just the Australian version of the Easter Bunny. The bilby is actually endangered due to feral rabbits (which I guess are actually a pretty big problem in Australia?) and the whole concept of the Easter Bilby is used to bring awareness to this tiny holocaust led by rabbit nazis (and sell some chocolate while they’re at it).


The Dingus (central Europe)
I really can’t find a funnier way to describe this than the wikipedia article does so I’m just going to copy/past the description. “In Poland, Hungary, Slovakia, and the Czech Republic[5] traditionally, early in the morning boys awake girls by pouring a bucket of water on their head and striking them about the legs with long thin twigs or switches made from willow, birch or decorated tree branches”.



Happy Easter, bitch! Hope you like leg welts!





Easter Monday is basically pledge week at the Alpha Beta Czech house.



You can check the article for a full, lengthy and boring explanation on why that’s done but I can sum it up for you. Some weird Pagan rituals got mixed up with some weird Christian rituals and this is what happened. Speaking of weird Christian rituals –



The Resurrection of Jesus Christ (Rome)
In Vatican City, people go to church every Easter Sunday to celebrate the resurrection of the Son of God

also everybody wears bright round yellow hats.


They pay tribute and relive his suffering at the cross by sitting through an hour and a half Catholic mass. They then celebrate the joy of his resurrection by going to a fancy brunch.


There’s so many ways different cultures celebrate the holiday. One of my favorites is the tradition of the re-enactment of Wayne Gretky’s battle with the Wendigo but I’ll save that story for Canadian Easter in August. Happy Easter, everybody!