Tag Archives: immigration

Supreme Court Strikes Down (most of) Arizona Immigration Law

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In a 5-3 decision, the US Supreme Court struck down most provisions of Arizona’s SB1070 “Fuck the Mexicans” law. While they upheld one of the most controversial provisions which lets police check a person’s immigration status while enforcing other laws if “reasonable suspicion” exists that the person is in the United States illegally, many of the provisions of the bill were gutted. Here’s just a few of the measures that were taken out in the ruling.


Sec. 4-A: If suspect is of Latino descent, officers may state “You ain’t from around here, are ya?” in leiu of Miranda reading.


Sec. 7-C: Police may pull any driver over who has a novelty “La Cucaracha” car horn.


Sec. 2-D: Citizens may shoot any Illegal Alien working at a job the citizen would like.


Sec. 5 K-L: $200,000 in taxpayer funds to be allocated for the construction of a giant catapult pointing towards the Mexican border. The catapult will be constructed by illegal aliens who, upon completion, will be loaded into the catapult and fired towards Mexico.


Sec. 1-E: Any employer who has illegal aliens in his/her employ does not have to pay them.


Sec. 1-A: The pejoratives “spic”, “wetback”, “cholo” and “beaner” are no longer recognized as hate speech.


Sec. 3-F: Any “anchor babies” (children of illegal aliens born in the U.S.) who’s parents have been deported will be taken to special education camps, brainwashed and trained to be emotionless, illegal alien killing machines.


For more information on Arizona’s SB1070 law, ask a stupid person wearing an American Flag T-Shirt.

Let’s Talk About the Weather.

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Because my only other option right now is to talk about how scumbag Herman Cain is defending scumbag Newt Gingrich in some weird republican philanderer circle jerk. Let’s just talk about snow instead, shall we?


It’s been a surprisingly mild winter so far here in the Twin Cities. Last year the sky crapped a foot of snow on us every week but this year we’ve only had like four mild dustings of snow. The only real snowfall we got was on New Year’s Eve and nobody was on the road then except for a few cab drivers and me coming home from a show in Stillwater gripping the steering wheel with all my might praying to Xenu that I wouldn’t end up in the ditch. This morning, however, the TC metro has seen over a half inch of snowfall and the Star Tribune reports there has been dozens and dozens of crashes, spinouts and stalls.


Dozens and fucking dozens of crashes. Seriously.


Every year. Every single year people in Minnesota forget how to drive in the snow and the first actual snowfall leads to cars in the ditch. No injuries have been reported which is good because I have little sympathy for first snowfall crashes. The best is when you’re driving down the road during a snowstorm at a reasonable speed (40 on the highway) and see some asshole zip past you in the left lane at like 60. You think to yourself “God I hope that jackass ends up in the ditch” and then you see him in a ditch a couple miles later. Of course your first thought is “Oh man I hope he’s alright” but your second is always “Serves him right”.


Of course, driving too slow is just as dangerous. There are plenty of people too scared to go past 10 miles per hour ON THE FUCKING HIGHWAY when there’s snow on the ground not even thinking that there’s other people on the highway driving much faster that have a bit of a hard time braking because of the snow.


I seriously don’t get it. The general population can’t seriously be so stupid to forget every year that snow=slippery fucking roads. If you’re an adult with a drivers license and an IQ above 80 this shit should kick in when you see the snow or at the very least the first time you hit the brakes. Even if you’ve never driven in the snow you could put 2 and 2 together walking to your car and noticing that the sidewalk is slippery. Here’s the few possible explanations I can think of.


Immigration
Republicans use this as a scapegoat all the time. Why can’t I? Not just illegal immigrants but anybody coming to Minnesota from warmer climates. People in Florida probably think snow is just a thing we yankees made up to scare them away and keep the Mall of America to ourselves. Still, millions of people flock north every year and wreck their cars the first time it snows.

Rohypnol in the water supply
Now this just may be the schizophrenic, homeless, crack addict conspiracy theorist side of me but the government could be spiking the water with roofies so we’ll forget that our professional sports teams are pure shit. Obviously it’s working because we’re building the Vikings a goddamn new stadium but a mild side effect is that the entire state forgets how to drive in the snow every year.

People are just stupid
Probably the most plausable explanation.


So drive safe, people. Maybe you could even drive safe tonight to HUGE Theater tonight to go see me make funnies at Stop Talking: A Game of Talking. Plugs!

Picking Fruit is Not a Goddamn Skill.

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Alabama the toughest immmigration laws in the country recently, basically legalizing racial profiling to stem the tide of the dreaded Mexican. Illegal immigrants, in response to the new law, are fleeing Alabama at an alarming rate.

So… it worked? I guess it’s hard to argue with results. Congratulations, Alabama. You’ve successfully rid your state of illegals through the threat of witch hunt and it worked! Alabama can now get all those jobs the illegals stole to the hardworking legal citizens who deserve them.

There’s just one problem. According to foxnews.com, legal citizens suck at picking fruit and quit after a day.


From the article, “Potato farmer Kevin Smith told The Associated Press that the Americans he hired show up late, work slower and are ready to call it quits after a day on the job or sooner.”


I was always told by these republican assholes that illegals were lazy and sucking off the government teat. I don’t get it. at 9.8% unemployment, you think people would be chomping at the bit for all these jobs that opened up after the Flight of the Mexicans. There’s got to be a better explanation.


Well, also from the article, “Tom Surtees, director of the state Department of Industrial Relations, which is operating the employment program, told FoxNews.com that he has never picked tomatoes before and doubts he could do it as well as someone with 20 years experience.
‘I think it’s an acquired skill, one you get by repetition,’ he said. ‘Can someone go out in one day and match the skills or efficiency of someone doing it for years? That would be a unique individual.'”


Wait a second here. Surgery is a skill you learn over 20 years. Playing the goddamn Oboe is a skill you learn over 20 years. Yanking a fucking tomato off a vine isn’t a “skill” you learn over 20 fucking years.


While the article certainly alludes to it with phrases like “ultimately, these are not desirable jobs. The work is difficult” they never flat out admit that these are shit jobs with shit pay (just to show how shit the pay is, it’s not mentioned once in the article). This immigration law was passed mainly on the idea that in this rough economy, jobs would open up for legal citizens if we chased the illegals out with torches and pitchforks. Now the jobs are open and nobody will take them because they suck.


Well, getting rid of the mexicans didn’t work. Maybe they should try getting rid of the gays or muslims. Better yet, how about they get rid of the conservative racist jackasses who passed this law?