Tag Archives: humor

Et Tu, Peanut Butter?

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I love peanut butter with a passion that sometimes inspires jealousy in my wife. I can eat peanut butter sandwiches every day and not get sick of them. My favorite candy is Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups. I even ate the shitty dry peanut butter that came with those school lunch peanut butter cups when other kids would just pull it off the chocolate, throw it away and just eat the chocolate. One time I made a fried peanut butter banana sandwich, the kind that killed Elvis. It was delicious. The king died a happy man.



I can easily say peanut butter is one of my favorite foods and definitely my favorite food-like paste product. That’s really a shame because I need to stop eating peanut butter.



Now I always knew peanut butter wasn’t the healthiest thing I could be eating. Anything that makes an M&M taste better probably isn’t a superfood but I always figured that there wasn’t too much sugar in it and it’s high in protein so it can’t be all that bad. With that sketchy logic in the back of my head I’d make a peanut butter sandwich so large that it would literally be a choking hazard and require a drink of milk between each bite to get down my throat and eat it right before going to bed.



So part of me knew peanut butter wasn’t a health elixer but I never figured how many calories it had until I saw this wisegeek article listing pictures of a couple dozen different 200 calorie portions of foods. Here’s 200 calories worth of baby carrots (all image credit goes to wisegeek.com. Don’t sue!)-



A friend once told me one of her guilty pleasures was "just eating a whole bag of baby carrots in one sitting". I had to explain to her the definition of the words "guilty" and "pleasure".

A friend once told me one of her guilty pleasures was “just eating a whole bag of baby carrots in one sitting”. I had to explain to her the definition of the words “guilty” and “pleasure”.





200 calories will get you a heaping portion of turkey –



For most people that's enough for two sandwiches but for me that's about one sandwich.

For most people that’s enough for two sandwiches but for me that’s about one sandwich.





Almost all of a donut –



Glazed? Throw some chocolate on top, shove some custard in the middle then we'll talk.

Glazed? Throw some chocolate on top, shove some custard in the middle then we’ll talk.





And here’s 200 calories of peanut butter –



Oh shit!

Oh shit!


I literally use four times as much peanut butter as that in a sandwich. I may as well be double fisting Big Macs. You even get more Snickers for 200 calories –



it's not much but it is 7 grams larger.

it’s not much but it is 7 grams larger.



Son of a bitch. Now I have to add peanut butter to the list of things I can’t eat. Pretty soon I’ll just have a diet consisting of egg whites, grapes and spinach.

Damn Kids and Your Damn Memes: Harlem Shake Edition

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So this is a thing people are doing –







This is the original Harlem Shake Video. The one that spawned a million versions. There’s been a Norwegian Army version –







a Jeff Gordon Pepsi Max version –







There’s a Harlem Shake for every occasion. Here’s the problem. Last Friday, by the time I heard about this, everybody was already sick of it. This was the first Harlem Shake video I saw on my facebook timeline –







And later that day I find out people are already sick of it!







What the hell? I just found out about this one. I didn’t even have time to find out what this is all about and the internet is already “over it”?



How did I miss this? I’ve never been one to keep up with trends but this is an internet meme and I’m on the internet all the time.



Is our collective patience for these things wearing thin? Perhaps people who were late to the Gangnam Style party vowed to never look like suckers again so the next time they heard about a popular meme they’d just say they were sick of it right away.



That’s gotta be it. It can’t be that I’m getting too old! I’m only 30! That’s not old, right?



…I’m going to go count the grey hairs in my beard.

New Year Resolution Mondays: The Ghost of Donuts.

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Last week I had pledged to get serious about my resolution for no more sweets, specifically no more donuts. I was all amped up and ready to face the world with a resolve to not stuff my face hole with candy and donuts. Gonna do this!



That day Jena came home from a weekend trip and with her she brought back all the snacks that were not eaten by her and friends. Some pringles, some beef jerky, and a full, unopened box of Double Stuff Oreos –



Why do they even make regular stuff Oreos anymore?

Why do they even make regular stuff Oreos anymore?





Fuck it. I said “Diet starts tomorroowwwww!” and threw some Oreos at my face.



The rest of the week, however was candy and donut free. I went to the grocery store to find an energy bar or something I could munch on throughout the day that wasn’t completely full of sugar, marketed exclusively towards women or both –



The Isofemme bar is full of protein and "sinfully delicious".

The Isofemme bar is full of protein and “sinfully delicious”.




I did end up finding some low sugar energy bars that weren’t called “OvaBars” or “Uterenergy”, had those and some fresh fruit for breakfast every day and am glad to say I haven’t had any donuts. I’ve certainly seen my fair share, though.



Working in a truck all day my bathroom breaks almost always take place in gas stations. Every day I walk by my old friends, the donuts. At one point I just kind of stared longingly at a rack of donuts at Kwik Trip for what felt like a full minute but was hopefully more like ten seconds.



Donuts. Gone but not forgotten.

The Sexbook of Fucking!

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Every now and again I check my spam email just to see if there’s anything that will make me laugh. Usually it’s just unintelligible nonsense or stuff where the subject line is “hi ;)” and the message is just a link to a site that’s sole purpose is giving computer AIDS but every now and again there’s some unintentional hilarity. One time there was one for penis enlargement that said “YOU DESERVE TO BE A GIANT” –



CANADIAN CIALIS.

CANADIAN CIALIS.





and just recently I got one that invited me to “The Fuckbook of Sex!”



Awesome. It’s like the sex scam ripoff of social networks is evolving. First there was fuckster, then myscrew, Pinkdin (for the professionals), twatter, fistagram etc. The problem is that Facebook has been around and dominated for so long that the sex scam sites have to keep thinking of new ways to market it. It started with “The Facebook of Sex!” then evolved to “Fuckbook” and now for some reason it’s “The Fuckbook of Sex!” Eventually it’ll probably become “facefuck” and eventually just “fuckfuck”. It’s like that scene in Idiocracy –



Fuddruckers



I decided to google “fuckbook” just to see what would turn up. Now, I didn’t click on any of the results because I’m certain the moment I do these things will steal my credit card information and replace it with dog-on-cat porn but the results themselves are pretty great. Here’s some of my favorites –



if they're the original how come they couldn't snag ".com"? ".net" is for porny-come-latelys. Everybody knows that.

if they’re the original how come they couldn’t snag “.com”? “.net” is for porny-come-latelys. Everybody knows that.





Fuckbooking for adults, fuckbooking for teens, there's a fuckbook out there for everybody!

Fuckbooking for adults, fuckbooking for teens, there’s a fuckbook out there for everybody!





Just what is fuckbook, anyway? I know what facebook is and I know what fucking is but how would the to ever go together? HELP ME!

Just what is fuckbook, anyway? I know what facebook is and I know what fucking is but how would the to ever go together? HELP ME!





Do you like fuckbooking but hate how corporate fuckbook has become? Here's 50 DIFFERENT WEBSITES THAT OFFER THE SAME THING.

Do you like fuckbooking but hate how corporate fuckbook has become? Here’s 50 DIFFERENT WEBSITES THAT OFFER THE SAME THING.





and just to see what would happen, I typed “fuckbook” into facebook’s search bar and this is what I got –



The fuckbook is now in the facebook.

The fuckbook is now in the facebook.


Fuckbook. It’s a local business, an album, an entertainer, author, magazine, and two communities.



It’s fucking everywhere.

Romance, Married Style.

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Hey, girl. You know it’s Valentine’s Day. Today’s the day we show the people we love just how much they mean to us. The day everybody shows that special somebody just how special they are. Today’s all about romance and passion.



You know I’m all about romance and passion.



I know that you think it might be hard to keep the passion going now that we’ve been together for nearly five years. Some may think that Valentine’s day is for couples that have the burning flame of new love but I know just what you want. Today I’m going to cater to your deepest desires and make your wildest fantasies come true.



Today I’m going to do the laundry.



That’s right, girl. All the laundry. I’m going to wash every bit of dirty clothing we have in the house. I’m even going to wash the linens because it’s been a few weeks and they’re really overdue.



I’m gonna wash all the dirty fucking blankets in the house until they smell like a flower strewn meadow in the springtime. You like that?



Don’t even think I’m done because after I wash all the clothes I’m going to put them away. I’m going to fold everything that needs to be folded and put everything that needs to be hung on hangers. All for you. By the end of Valentine’s day, you won’t only be able to see the bedroom floor, we’ll be able to walk around without worrying about stepping on something hidden under some dirty clothes.



Don’t pass out from extacy yet girl because that’s not all. Come in closer. I want to whisper this last little bit in your ear. Get in real close.



I’ll make sure to keep the cashmere sweaters out of the dryer so they won’t shrink down.



This Valentine’s Day, all of your dreams are going to come true.

You Can’t Stop the Signal. Well, Unless You Can.

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Yesterday, the “hactivist” group Anonymous threatened to break up President Obama’s State of the Union Address. It didn’t happen.

This could have happened for a number of reasons. They could have tried and failed. I mean, the white house had notification that it was going to happen. Anonymous released a statement saying they were going to like 9 or 10 hours before hand. That gives other people plenty of time to figure out how and to make it not happen. They also could have NOT been planning to hack, or only a small subset was going to and the rest decided they shouldn’t and cut them off. Or, they could have been really intent in their Borderlands 2 campaign.

For whatever reason, SOTU did not get “hacked” last night.

Obamanous.

Obamanous.

Anonymous is a group of hackers. This means they circumvent certain technology  or programming to be used in ways different than the original intended use. As a programmer, I “hacked” systems regularly, meaning I developed programming as a “work around” to the original programming. I do it all the time with WordPress structures. Usually, you want to go in and change the structure itself, but sometimes you have a one off. Sometimes you’re working with third party and can’t change the structure. And sometimes site growth just demands you get it up quickly, and structure change is a lengthy process.

It’s not necessarily best practice, but it is how programming changes happen about 99.9% of the time.

Hacking has gotten a bad rep. I think it’s rather inventive by nature, using the resources and code around you in a creative way to work around a problem. But when most people think of “hackers,” they think of renegade nerds out to disrupt the system, causing havock for havock’s sake. They think of this guy:

WarGames

or these kids

Hackers

or even this guy

Serenity

Ah, the glorification of hacking. They never think of the poor computer programmer, trying to get something changed or updated because a client last minute wanted the product to do THIS instead of THAT.

Anyway, SOTU did not get hacked. Do you know who did get hacked? The state of Montana:

These guys hacked a television show to broadcast an emergency zombie apocalypse. Now THAT’s some quality hacking.

Pick-a-Pope: The Vatican’s Selection Process of a new Leader

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Pope Benedict recently announced that he’ll be stepping down from his duties, citing that his failing health is preventing him from fulfilling his papal duties. This is the first time in about 600 years that a pope has retired rather than die in office trying to burn all the sick days he’s accrued over his career.



To be fair, he really hasn't been looking good recently.

To be fair, he really hasn’t been looking good recently.





This decision has left the vatican with the task of selecting a new pope. It won’t be easy. Anybody gunning for the job has to complete a series of tasks to prove that he has what it takes. Here’s just a few criteria that is viewed in the Vatican’s Pope selecting process.



* Recite the full name, birthdate and birthplace of Jesus.

* Live in absolute opulence, preach the teachings of Jesus Christ, see nothing contradictory about that.

* Wear a 30 pound hat for 5 hours without collapsing.

* Shit in the woods.

* Re-assign 20 pedophile priests to 20 new parishes while blindfolded.

* Go to church EVERY Sunday.

* Ignore 30 gays in under a minute.

* Correctly answer all questions posed by Joan Osborne in “What if God Was One of Us?”.

* Successfully crank call the Dalai Lama.

* Cut off the head of Pope Benedict, steal his power. THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE.

Once he has murdered the previous pope, they incinerate the old pope’s head in the Vatican fireplace and a white smoke comes out the chimney, signaling a new pope has been selected.

New Year’s Resolution Update: Fatty Fatty Fat Fat.

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I’m eating chocolate chips as I write this. I put a bunch in my mouth and let them just sit in there for a while until they get nice and slightly melted and then just chew on the chocolatey, gooey mess. I’m a fat fucking bastard.

Okay. Chocolate chips have been put down. Let’s do this.



One of the resolutions I made in my Resolusplosion this year was to put down the fucking cookies for five goddamn seconds. I haven’t really been doing a good job with that (i.e. today’s chocolate chip breakfast). It’s really easy for me to justify grabbing a gas station donut if I’m going to be cleaning carpets all day and I have no problem grabbing treats at a party. I figure I’m working hard and since I’m not drinking this can be my one little vice but I’m still a big tub of lard.



Some of you remember that I first made a pledge to stop cramming treats in my mouth after I went to jail for a night and my jail bracelet told me I was 269 pounds. Since then I’ve gotten better with my eating habits and brought my weight down to about 240 but I still got plenty of man boob and since I’ve started a labor intensive job my eating habits fell back into old patterns. I haven’t gained any weight but I also haven’t lost any more. There are plenty of sweets to be blamed but the biggest offender for me is the gas station donut –



so tasty.

so tasty.





They’re so tasty, they’re at every gas station and they’re incredibly cheap (every 7th is free at Super America with my Speedy Rewards card and trust me, I’ve had plenty of free donuts). One time I had five donuts in a single day. That’s probably something like 250,000 calories. I haven’t looked it up but it’s probably close.



I hate to do this but I’m going to have to say goodbye to the donuts. No more, even if somebody brings them into the office. I’m already working out all the time but I won’t lose any fat if I keep cramming donuts down my throat.



Goodbye, Super America chocalate filled long johns. So long, Holiday old fashioned donuts that are 2 for $1.29. Farewell, triple chocolate bismark at Kwik Trip. I’ll be sure to wave to you when I’m buying a banana or whatever at the gas station.

Obama Needs to Stop Giving Hitler Such a Hard Time

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President Muslim McCommie has been compared to Hitler quite a bit by conservatives who don’t like him. He’s been likened to Hitler –



Oh man remember that time Obama tried to exterminate all the Jews? Total Hitler clone.

Oh man remember that time Obama tried to exterminate all the Jews? Total Hitler clone.





He’s been called worse than Hitler, too. I’m sure there’s somebody out there that thinks Obama’s some sort of Hitler Voltron where five different Hitlers come together and form Obama.



Granted… it’s not like my team is completely innocent of Hitler comparisons –



When you think about it the conservatives are just ripping off the liberals of 6 year ago.

When you think about it the conservatives are just ripping off the liberals of 6 year ago.





It’s an easy comparison to make. Hitler was the worst so comparing somebody to Hitler is really just saying they’re the worst. The imagery of the swastika and nazi salute stir up strong emotions in people and that shitty little mustache is really easy to photoshop onto a picture –



My photoshop skills are worse than Hitler.

My photoshop skills are worse than Hitler.





The point is that Obama has been compared to Hitler in a lot of ways but up until last weekend nobody ever said he was too harsh on Hitler. Thankfully we have The National Review.



Last weekend the NR blog “The Corner” posted that Obama was way off the mark in calling the Holocaust “senseless”. Here’s just a little snippet from the post.



Nazism may have been an ideology to which the United States was — and to which the president is — implacably opposed, but it is hardly “senseless.” By the early 1930s, the Nazi party had hundreds of thousands of devoted members and repeatedly attracted a third of the votes in German elections; its political leaders campaigned on a platform comprising 25 non-senseless points, including the “unification of all Germans,” a demand for “land and territory for the sustenance of our people,” and an assertion that “no Jew can be a member of the race.” Suffice it to say, many sensible Germans were persuaded.



…the fuck?



Seriously. I had to check to make sure the National Review wasn’t some shitty satire site because I’ve been fooled by that before (fuck you, Daily Currant!) but they’re serious. These people actually think the president shouldn’t have called the Holocaust “senseless” (which it was) because it made perfect sense to a bunch of Germans at the time. What? Are conservatives really so willing to bash Obama that they’ll say “Hitler’s ideas did kinda make sense” to do it?



I think I can say, without hyperbole, that NR writer Eliana Johnson is worse than VoltronHitler.

How to Save The U.S. Postal Service.

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Neither snow, nor rain, nor heat, nor gloom of night stays these courageous couriers from the swift completion of their appointed rounds. Tough luck getting your mail on Saturdays, though.



The U.S.P.S, which has been hemorrhaging money since the first email was sent, has announced that it’s no longer delivering mail on Saturdays due to it’s money problems.



You can blame the Post Office’s money woes on many different things but it’s pretty clear that the USPS can’t survive on it’s current business plan. To actually make a profit it would have to jack up the price of stamps astronomically and I’ve already got a bunch of those “forever” stamps anyway –



I've got like 10 of thes in my desk. I'm set for life.

I’ve got like 10 of thes in my desk. I’m set for life.





If America wants to revive it’s dying postal service we’re going to need to take action. We’re going to need to act like our grandmothers.



People like my grandmothers (RE: Other grandmothers) have been propping up the postal service for decades with the practice of unnecessary mailing. Here’s just three ways that my grandma has used the mail when she hasn’t needed to.



Clipping out newspaper articles she thinks I’d like and then mailing them to me
Also keeping the ailing newspaper industry alive, my grandmother has a fresh paper delivered to her door daily. She clips out articles about stand up comedians in town and then mails them to me. She’s never mailed me any clips that have mentioned me (it’s happened a couple times!), it’s usually about some other comedian or an article about a comedy club in town. If it’s about another comedian, she’ll circle his/her name for some reason.



Demanding birthday cards
My grandmother loves having birthday cards mailed to her. She doesn’t like having birthday cards handed to her. They must be mailed. I’ve asked her about this. I live in the same city as her and have gone out with her on her birthday but she insists that I mail her a birthday card rather than hand one to her. Maybe getting a bunch of mail is like a status symbol in a nursing home. Like a full mailbox is the old person equivalent to having a lot of friends on facebook.



Mailing cards on unnecessary holidays
I’ll get Christmas cards from her even though I see her every Christmas. A birthday card even though I’ll see her almost every birthday. She even sends Valentine’s Day cards which is a little creepy but she’ll usually include some chocolates in that one so I don’t complain.



So there you go. If you want to save the USPS, just grandma it up!