Snow in April.

Posted on April 10, 2013 by Bill

This is really, really shitty. There’s a winter storm that doesn’t know it’s fucking spring dumping snow all over the country. Here in MN we got an inch or so last night and are supposed to get 3-5 more tonight. After a long winter that had a lot of punishing snowstorms, this last storm is just rubbing salt on the wound. We’re getting so worn down by the long winter that Canada will take the opportunity to Annex us any day now –

It’s bad enough I have to drive around in this and shovel it off my sidewalk. The worst part of all of this is that it’s all my fault.

It’s my fault that we’re getting this blizzard. I’m so sorry. See, about a month ago I did a post about getting towed during snow emergency that included bragging about not getting towed once this year and a lot of people read it because I used a lot of colorful language to describe history’s greatest villain, the tow truck driver.

Now, I’m not saying a tow truck driver read the article because, as we all know, they’re all illiterate. I could imagine a tow truck driver being told about the post by their meth dealer or hooker or something. Once one found out they spread the word and pretty soon every tow truck driver knew I was out there just bragging that I had escaped their wrath.

This wouldn’t stand with them. Nobody escapes the wrath of the tow truck driver.

Gathering in the parking lot of a shitty strip club. The tow truck drivers used their gypsy-like magic powers to summon a powerful weather system to blanket the earth with snow until I finally would slip up and get towed for snow emergency.

I’m not going to let that happen. I’m sorry so many people had to get pulled into this but I refuse to let my car get towed for snow emergency. Let them bring the snow until June.

What’s Really Going on With North Korea?

Posted on April 4, 2013 by Bill

Guys, we really need to talk about how North Korea’s been acting up lately.

I know it can be really easy to poke fun at North Korea. It’s a third world hermit kingdom run by a pudgy 3rd generation madman and the only media they have is hilarious propoganda. I know. I’ve made fun of the DPRK plenty of times myself and they usually just shrug it off but this time it’s different.

Kim Jong Un and top North Korean officials are threatening to launch nukes at pretty much everybody around them. Sure, you expect that sort of bluster on the KCNA news site but it’s actually being reported on real news sites. Have we finally pushed them too far? Has Kim Jong Un finally snapped after seeing all the photoshopped pictures of him with twinkies?

heh. lookit him…

That can’t be it. Internet in North Korea doesn’t support images.

I think I know what the problem is, here. It’s that writer Neil Gaiman is currently beating Kim Jong Un in the Time top 100 poll, isn’t it?

…maybe

Recently Neil Gaiman tweeted “If you are bored please vote for me in the @TIME top 100 list & keep me ahead of Kim Jong Un” and his followers have responded in force, pushing him ahead of Kim Jong Un.

Now I get it. It’s one thing to be mocked as a failing dictator but at least you’re recognized. I couldn’t tell you the name of the Prime Minister of Australia is or who’s the chief bartender of Ireland but everybody know’s who Kim Jong Un is. It’s influential. He doesn’t have much but he knows he’s influential. It’s a pride thing.

All of the sudden this Neil Gaiman guy comes in and decides to rain on Kim Jong Un’s parade? Well, I don’t know about you but if I was a crazy dictator I’d start threatening to nuke people, too.

I really think Mr. Gaiman should back off and apologize. If this bullying doesn’t stop North Korea might do something drastic like launch a missile that will fly for like 200 feet and then just sputter out and fall apart.

Chips!

Posted on April 1, 2013 by Bill

It’s New Year’s resolution update time! I’m actually proud to report that I’ve been eating healthy. With the exception of a couple of slip ups I’ve been donut and peanut butter free. I’ve been eating salads for lunch. Actual salads! Not just crushed tacos or jello with whipped cream and marshmallows.

I was doing perfectly fine until Lays had to go and introduce three new flavors.

I know I’m supposed to be eating healthier but I have to try these new flavors. It’s my duty as an American to find out just how gross these new products are. I had to stop at 6 different gas stations to find all the new flavors so let’s get started and eat some potato chips in the morning!

I’ll review these one by one so you won’t have to go through the humiliation of buying a bag of Chicken & Waffles flavored potato chips at the store yourselves. You’re welcome.

CHEESY GARLIC BREAD
I have to admit. They actually made the chips taste like cheesy garlic bread. That’s not a good thing. I really don’t like to eat chips that are dripping with butter and leave my hands all greasy after reaching into the bag twice.
Grossness: really gross.

CHICKEN & WAFFLES
Unlike the Cheesy Garlic Bread chips, these ones don’t really taste like their source material. The package mentions chicken but all I’m getting is waffles. There’s a maple syrup flavor that just overpowers everything and makes you wonder “WHO PUT MAPLE SYRUP ON POTATO CHIPS?” as you eat them. They’re actually not that gross but this is nothing more than a novelty. Potato chips shouldn’t taste like this.
Grossness: kinda gross

SRIRACHA
I was pretty excited about this one. I love Sriracha. I’ve put sriracha on potatoes before. This just seems like it was meant to be. Unlike those garlicy, syrupy abominations I’ve eaten before, this flavor might actually stand a chance of being something you eat more than once out of pure curiosity.

This one, much like the Chicken n’ Waffles, didn’t taste like it’s namesake. Sure, it was spicy but it really didn’t have that sriracha flavor.
Grossness: Not gross, just disappointing.

Ugh. I just ate a bunch of weird chips for breakfast.

How do I Buy a Microwave?

Posted on March 28, 2013 by Bill

My microwave oven is starting to crap out on me.

It’s an old thing. Jena had it when I moved in with her and got it as a hand me down years before that. It’s an old, beat up thing. It’s rotating plate keeps falling off it’s track, the door sticks, the compartment is tiny and it’s bell doesn’t go off sometimes when it’s done cooking.

Also, it’s an actual bell that goes off. No beep. Actual physical “ding”. This microwave might be older than I am.

Here’s the thing, though. As I was thinking that it’s about time we get a new microwave I realize I’ve never bought one in my entire life.

Nearly 13 years living as an adult on my own and I’ve never actually purchased a microwave. It’s just always been something that’s been to places I’ve moved into. Like a fridge or a sink, microwaves were always just there when I showed up. Sometimes they were nice, sometimes they were crappy. One time I moved in with a guy that didn’t have a microwave so I just learned to cook stuff with the stove and oven.

How the fuck did I go all this time without buying a microwave? I don’t even know how to start looking for one? Do I go to… Sears? Is that still a thing? Target? How much do these things cost?

Okay. This one’s fifty bucks –

buttons, door, cube. That’s a microwave.

And this one is $1200?

buttons, door, cube and $1150 worth of something?

The only difference between the two is .6 cubic feet of space and the expensive one you can hang above a stove or something. Holy shit.

I’m in over my head. I can’t go out there and just buy a microwave with no experience. I’m just going to have to make my popcorn the old fashioned way and I don’t know what that is so I’ll just go to the movie theater more.

=

Posted on March 27, 2013 by Bill

So yesterday there was a lot of this on facebook today and yesterday-

It’s an equal sign. The new symbol that gay rights advocates are using to signal their support for marriage equality by changing their facebook profile pic. I don’t know why it’s red and pink. Why didn’t they go with rainbow?

You’ve probably seen plenty of similar pics, disambiguations and parodies, too. Even Grumpy Cat’s getting in on the marriage equality –

Honestly, I thought this was kind of dumb. The embodiment of slacktivism. Click a couple of buttons and you think you’re on the level of the people who marched on Selma. Vice posted a piece on the uselessness of it

As the day passed, though and friends expressed how they knew changing a profile pic wasn’t going to influence a supreme court decision but it might spark a discussion with somebody who was opposed to gay marriage. At the very least it’s a small show of solidarity to their gay friends. When I started thinking about it on those terms my cynical little heart grew three sizes. As I scrolled down my timeline and saw almost nothing but red equal signs (or something close to that) it made me feel good to see so many people showing their support, even if it’s just on facebook.

Hell, I’ll even change my profile pic. I’m changing it to the bacon one, though. Because bacon.

The Condom of the Future!

Posted on March 26, 2013 by Bill

Bill Gates, just like every other man on the face of the earth, doesn’t like condoms.

He understands that they’re currently the most effective defense against STDs and unwanted pregnancies but just like every man who has ever worn one during sex, he’s not a fan of them.

Unlike every other man on earth, though, Bill Gates has the money to solve this problem. That’s why he’s offering one million dollars to the person who can invent a better condom.

I’m in. I got all kinds of condom ideas. Here’s just three of them.

1: ADAMANTIUM CONDOM.
One of the biggest problems with condoms is that they can break during use. The solution? Make them out of the same shit they used to make Wolverine’s bones.

Ain’t no sperm or HIV virus gettin’ through here, bub.

Granted, this would incredibly decrease sensation and also adamantium isn’t a real thing let’s check out option 2-

2: TWO PERSON FULL ENVIRONMENT CONDOM
To increase pleasure, increase the condom’s size so it completely wraps around both individuals. Include a full, self-sustaining environment so the sexual partners can live inside the condom for years at a time –

not pictured: 2 people inside the condom totally getting it on.

This will be 100% effective against STDs but not very effective against pregnancy. I guess you can just pull out or get an abortion or whatever.

3: CONDOM 2.0
Rather than try to build a new condom from the ground up, let’s see what we can do by making a few tweaks to the existing model –

The lasers allow for pinpoint accuracy while penetrating the orifice of your target. The tailfin will increase traction when you’re going fast and the flames just look badass. 10 years from now everybody will be wearing this condom.

You can make the check out to Bill Young, Mr. Gates.

Michele Bachmann is Never Going Away.

Posted on March 22, 2013 by Bill

Buzzfeed has posted a wonderful piece about the shitty week Michele Bachmann has been having. For those of you too scared to click the link afraid I’m trying to give your computer a virus (I am), here’s the gist.

Bachmann said a bunch of stuff about the president living an incredibly lavish lifestyle in the White House. While he is pretty comfortable, most of her accusations about round-the-clock movie projectionists and personal grape peelers were totally untrue. CNN tried to talk to her about it and she just shouted “BENGAZI!”, threw a smoke bomb on the ground and ran away. Bill Fucking O’Reilly tried to talk to her about it and he got stonewalled.

I really can’t.

Some would think that if this woman can’t go on Fox News to defend herself than she’s done. They couldn’t be more mistaken. This woman’s never going away.

Sure, she’s proven time and again that she’ll never be in the senate, much less the presidency but she’s very nicely entrenched in her district. This isn’t the first time she’s said spouted a bunch of crazy lies but every time she does she just retreats out of the spotlight and gets elected again and again like the 6th district is some sort of political Lazarus pit for her.

She’ll run again next year and she’ll win again. Who do we have to defeat her? Her first victory was beating Patti Wetterling, the national face of child safety advocacy. Since then she’s been unbeatable. She’s like a political Jason Voorhees or Michael Meyers.

She may not be going up but she ain’t leaving.

You Can Find Anything On Ebay, Baby.

Posted on March 20, 2013 by Jena

A couple weeks ago, YoungNotions announced that we would no longer be doing those shitty text ads advertising ways you can make money at home. We got tired of supporting products we didn’t believe in for a tenth of a Euro. I don’t even know what that translates to in American, but it’s just not worth it.

Instead, we made a Facebook post offering limited sponsor placement for people we like. I would rather our space gets used to promote products and people we believe in. YoungNotions.com is our baby, and if we’re going to sell her, we want it to be to people we like and trust.

You know. Like Misty VanHorn, who is said to have tried selling her children on Facebook to raise funds to bail her boyfriend out of jail.

“The going price was $1,000 for her 10-month-old daughter and … $4,000 for a package deal that included her 2-year-old son.” -firsttoknow.com

And now we know which child she values more.

But Misty is not the only person to attempt selling her children on the internet. A woman in Dallas tried to sell her 4 month old on Criagslist (price not listed), and just so you don’t think it’s only Americans, a German mother tried to sell her 7 month old baby on eBay starting at one Euro. She says she did it as a joke, but eBay shut her down and turned her in just the same.

And she received no bids before she was shut down. That poor baby’s self-esteem must be just awful right now.

Baby selling isn’t just for the internet. One woman tried to sell her baby for $500 at a Taco Bell (would you like that to go?) and one couple at Walmart attempted to sell their 8 month old for just $25.

You really can’t beat the prices at Walmart.

Most of these attempted sales are shitty situations, people that shouldn’t have children, selling them off for drug money. And I say let them. Obviously they shouldn’t have their children if they’re going to use. It’s a win-win.

I did try to find a story where someone sold their child for something other than drugs. I chased down an internet rumor that someone sold their child for Beyonce tickets but it turns out that was just a photoshopped headline passed around the internets for amusement. No one actually tried to sell their baby for tickets to a Beyonce concert.

Look, it’s about economics. The going rates for a baby is at least two Eric Clapton balcony seats.

YOUR TAX DOLLARS AT WORK

Posted on March 19, 2013 by Bill

Not to brag but I’m friends with the president on facebook. It’s a pretty exclusive list.

Just me, Barry and 35, 298, 515 of his closest friends.

Really it’s just his PAC posting a bunch of pictures and quotes and whatever. I “liked” his page during election season and every now and then some pic from his page pops up on my timeline. Usually something cute and benign like this one that was posted on St. Paddy’s day –

A beer on St. Paddy’s day! Just like me! So relatable!

You might think it’s endearing, you might think it’s dumb, you might think it’s a cheap ploy to appeal to people, whatever. It’s a picture of the prez. having a beer on St. Paddy’s day. I usually just see a pic like that and keep scrolling down my timeline but this time I decided to check out the comments.

Big mistake. Don’t read the comments. Never read the comments on the president’s facebook posts. Nothing good can come from the comments.

Sure, there’s plenty of people just commenting “yay Obama”, plenty of spam comments but why all the hate comments? Why do you even follow the president on facebook if you think he’s a muslim socialist antichrist? This is one of the most benign comments –

MAH TAXES!

There were plenty variations of the above comment. “and how much did this beer cost THE AMERICAN PEOPLE?” “How about you quit wasting my tax money and do your job?!?” etc. Every second the president is not doing his job he is wasting valuable taxpayer dollars. Does he look like he’s signing a bill into law in that picture? No? QUIT SLACKING AND DO YOUR JOB, BARRY.

Where’s your long form certificate of intoxication?

I’ve seen about a half dozen comments that just up and claim it’s photoshopped. I call these people conspbeeracy theorists.

and finally –

Of course there’s a muslim one. There’s so many muslim ones. This one doesn’t even accuse him of being muslim. This lady’s just pissed that there are muslims that like him. Dirty, dirty muslims.

Jesus. The guy can’t even have a beer. Oh well. How about they just post a pic of him at the office with some visitors?

aw, cute.

GODDAMNIT.

Resolution Update: St. Drunkie’s Day

Posted on March 18, 2013 by Bill

For the second time this year I took a day off from my no drinking resolution to participate in the grand Irish-American tradition of wearing green, gaudy plastic jewlery and getting completely hammered.

In fact, I’ve developed a bit of a St. Patrick’s routine over the last few years. My dad has taken up the hobby of being a trinket peddler on St. Paddy’s day. A few years back he saw somebody selling stuff out of a shopping cart at the parade and thought “hey, that’d be fun”. Flash forward a few years and he’s expanded his operation so much that he enlists the help of my uncle, sister, brother in law and myself. I help sell some horns n’ beads and then spend the money I earned on overpriced booze.

My first stop was at a little hole in the wall by the start of the parade route. The only beers they had on tap were Budweiser, Miller and Coors so I pay $6 for a plastic cup of Miller lite. First beer I’ve had in over a month and it tastes like water. I thought that maybe it was a problem with the tap so after I finished that I got a Miller Lite in the bottle. Turns out that’s just how it tastes.

The 2nd most popular beer in america tastes like cold peewater

Later in the day Jena and I went to see an Irish Band play in an Irish bar so I drank some Irish beer for $7 per dixie cup. This is the one day I decide to drink out at a bar. I’m an idiot.

I’ve gone out to drink twice in 2013. After the first time I felt like my head and gut were going to explode and the second time my wallet got violently raped. Not drinking looks easier and easier every time I drink.

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