Tag Archives: humor

A Letter to seattlepi.com

Posted on by
1

Dear seattlepi.com;


There seems to be an issue with your website that I wanted to bring to your attention. I encountered the problem reading the syndicated comic strip “Mark Trail” on your site (top of the list when I googled “Mark Trail”! Congrats!). You see, as an act of charity I transcribe Mark Trail comic strips into text-only stories for the blind, elderly and sensitive who enjoy the blandness of Mark Trail but are put off by the vibrant drawings of nature scenes. While browsing through the archive I encountered a problem with navigation. I tried to jump to a specific date but the comic was stuck on December 10th.


In case you haven’t seen it, the Mark Trail comic for December 10th depicted a muzzled bear being attacked by a pack of wolves while a woman watched helplessly in the first panel. She shouted out “he’s helpless with that muzzle and those footpads” to nobody in particular. Perhaps the wolves. The second panel was a close up of the woman’s face as she shouted “HELP!”. The third and final panel went back to the bear being attacked by wolves as the narrator reiterated that the bear was defensless by stating “the defenseless bear is no match for the attacking wolves.


The fact that the website was not allowing me to navigate away from the strip caused three issues I would like you to address and correct.


1. For myself and all of your readers, please fix the website so I can easily navigate around the archives of not only Mark Trail but Mary Worth, Judge Parker, Rex Morgan and any other comic strip where the creator died at least one decade ago.

2. If this cannot be done in an expedient manner, please relay to me the comic strips for Mark Trail for the previous two weeks and any following. You may email the strips to me or transcribe them in text-only fashion as I have done for you for the December 10th strip.

3. In trying to navigate away from the December 10th strip I was confronted, multiple times, of a vicious attack of a muzzled bear by a pack of wolves. Time and again when I thought I had navigated to a new page the gruesome, bloodless image of wolves circling a bear engraved themselves into my brain. The experience has traumatized me and while I have no intention of suing you I would like compensation in the form of a gift card for no more than $10. Please email me for my address.


Thanks!

That Girl in the “One Weird Trick to Stay Asleep All Night” Ad

Posted on by
9

My friend Brody has said that I’m obsessed with search engine terms. It’s true. I’ve certainly written enough about the subject but one search term keeps popping up frequently on the site (actually, three do but let’s not talk about “foreskin man” or “kids fuck” today).


The girl in the “One Weird Trick to Stay Asleep All Night” ad.


There’s been over 30 searches from that (or a close variant) in the last three months. For those of you who don’t read the archives back-to-front on a weekly basis, the term leads to a post I did about stupid banner ads and this is one of the ads I so hilariously lampooned.

Haven't had a single zit since I started sleeping with an egg in my mouth.




Every week at least two search engine terms looking for the identity of this girl.


Who are you?




Frankly, I don’t see the appeal. She’s not unattractive but to have so many people try to figure out more about her? Am I missing something here? It’s probably because she looks like she smokes weed. She even looks high in the picture (maybe the one weird trick to stay asleep all night is to get high). Whatever her mystique, there’s a lot of search engine terms about her leading here which means one of three things.

1.) Multiple people are looking for her and there’s little/no info about her on the internet (most likely).

2.) One person searches for her every day, hoping to find more about his mysterious dreadlock and shitty dye-job love but keeps clicking on this blog for some reason.

3.) Somebody was looking for more info on her, stumbled on this blog and thought it was funny but not funny enough to bookmark or remember the URL. Now every time he want’s to read my blog he searches for that term again. I’m the “one weird trick” guy.


Whatever the reason, the hits just keep on a coming and will probably only increase in volume since I’m dedicating an entire post to the mystery girl so as a favor to all you lovelorn folks out there wanting to know more I’ve decided to create a backstory for her.


Her name is Heather. She likes all kinds of music except country (old country is okay, though) and followed Phish around for a while. She’s all about Kevin Smith movies and totally loves to play Halo. She dropped out of college but was a philosophy major so she’s totally into having long conversations about Kant or whatever. She belongs to a kickball league. She was in a band for a while but now she just likes to jam on the acoustic guitar. Her hair is red in the picture but she dyes it different colors all the time.



Basically she’s every barista ever.



UPDATE! Ian Rans pointed out that Heather is a stock photo known as “Colorul woman”! You can purchase her stock photo here (she looks so much more high in the bigger, higher resolution pic) and here. Mystery solved!

Victoria Jackson is a Comedic Genius

Posted on by
6

The mark of a true satirical genius is when they actually get you to think they believe what they’re saying. They become so entrenched in their character that you think they’re as crazy as they pretend to be. This Kaufman-esque dedication to the part is what makes it all the more hilarious when you realize that they’re in on the joke. The longer the performer is able to keep this charade going, the more people they’re able to draw in, the bigger the payoff.


I honestly think this is what Victoria Jackson is doing.


It’s perfect, when you think about it. She spent years on SNL doing funny-but-not-groundbreaking roles and bit parts and after a few minor roles in movies she completely disappears from the public radar. Come 2008, she’s on Fox News calling Obama a communist.


It’s weird to think about at first. Why is she on Fox News? She’s not a political commentator and she hasn’t worked in forever. Is Fox News just letting any comedian on if they’ll bash Obama? One would automatically think this is some sort of prank from Victoria (Ms. Jackson if you’re crazy). Knowing that people would think this was some sort of joke she starts doing some of the worst stand up imaginable to make people think she’s incapable of proper satire. Here she is telling street jokes for the Christian comedy DVD series “Thou Shalt Laugh”

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_eFuvNv5vsk&w=420&h=315]
Classic misdirection.


So after watching her “perform comedy”, you’re assured that this isn’t a prank. She actually believes what she says when she says dudes kissing on Glee is “sickening” and that “homophobia is a buzzword created by liberals”.


To take the gag even further she starts a conservative round table youtube show called “PolitiChicks” which is essentialy The View if The View was done by four housewives who were scared shitless of muslims and gays because of conversations they overheard from their husbands. Here’s the first episode.

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EcCvvJWyx4c&w=560&h=315]


I suggest watching it twice. Watch it once thinking it’s just another conservative talk show. Kind of hard to get through, right? Now watch it again and realize that Victoria Jackson is fucking with them. Look at the way she hijacks the conversation 30 seconds in for a shitty, Islamophobic parody song that’s only half finished! At about 9 minutes in she actually says “Eric Holder and Janet Napolitano have dead eyes” as her eyes float around the room, making contact with nothing around her as if she doesn’t think her surroundings are even real! Fucking genius!


And now she was just on Fox and Friends explaining her political views like a concussed five year old and they fucking had to agree with her because she’s “a conservative”! It’s the perfect joke! She’s only on these shows to parody these people while they fucking nod their heads in agreement!


That has to be what she’s doing. The only other reasonable explanation for her behavior is that she’s an insane woman.

Excerpt From a Chat With Jena.

Posted on by
Reply

Jena
Also, I know what I’m getting you for Christmas

Bill
Christmas!
don’t tell me
I like surprises
I don’t know what to get you for christmas.
I’d sell my hair to buy you a watch strap but I don’t have hair and you don’t wear a watch

Jena
I have a christmas list on amazon

Bill
I could sell my pubic hair. Do people buy that?
I’m sure there’s a market for that.

Jena
Probably not
Maybe in Japan

Bill
“Why yes this does come from a schoolgirl, Mr. Stereotypical Japanese Businessman.”

Jena
Nice.

Bill
Best not to lie about that stuff. Don’t want to get reported to the BPBB
Better Pervy Business Bureau


The Better Pervy Business Bureau spontaneously formed in 1996 when Joe Francis bought his first camera.

The Art of Holding Fuckers Accountable.

Posted on by
2

I love the internet. I truly love it. Not just because it has all the porn ever for free or a million social networking sites for me to whore out my stupid comedy shows (although those two take a Pac-Man shaped bite out of the pie chart). The internet holds a special place in my heart because you get to chew fuckers out at the speed of thought. Big coporations, specifically.


Think about it. If you wanted to tell off a company for doing something awful back in the year nineteen-fuck-all you’d have to start a letter writing campaign, get a phone tree going or even publish a book before anything got done. These days, if a large corporation like PayPal does something like freezes the accounts of regretsy.com’s charity for bullshit reasons (click the link if you like being horribly outraged!), you can comment on their facebook page, you can email them via their website, you could leave a comment on their stupid blog. Hell, you could even call customer service at 1-888-221-1161 if you’re feeling old fashioned about it. It’s so easy!


Not only is it easy, it’s necessary. PayPal not only fucked up big time, they were dicks about it. Luckily, the internet provides us with the means to cram every single public relations orifice that PayPal has exposed with spite and condemnation.


The best part is that you can say whatever you want. As a company that relies on customers’ money, PayPal needs to play nice when addressing the public at large but you can tell them to fuck right off and they’ll still accept your business. Here’s what I posted on their wall –

“Hey, nice job on killing that kid’s charity. When it comes to keeping toys out of the hands of impoverished children, nobody beats PayPal!”


I also sent this email to them –

Your name
Ebeneezer Scrooge

Your message
Your stance on fucking the poor children out of gifts this Christmas is truly an inspiration! How dare regretsy try to give to the needy without navigating through your baffling terms of service first! Good for you!


This is how you affect change in the 21st century. You scream and thrash and tell everybody you know and show the bastards that you will not stop until they make it right. Good, clean fun and it’s totally free.

UPDATE PayPal has posted a tail-between-the-legs apology assuring the public that they are not, in fact, monsters that hate poor children. Or at the very least, they hate a million negative facebook comments more than poor children. Either way, the regretsy issue is being resolved. God bless us, everyone!

Liberal Muppet Conspiracy

Posted on by
5

I knew it. I fucking knew it. All those years of watching The Muppet Show and Muppet movies I could tell that they were brainwashing kids to grow up to be filthy, tree hugging liberals but I just couldn’t put together enough evidence to make my claims public. Thank god for Fox Business’ Follow the Money and their story on the new Muppet movie’s left leanings (click link for the video).


Busted, you bleeding heart muppets! You never had me fooled. I always knew Sweetums was just Michael Moore without his baseball cap.



If you think this is new, you’re dead wrong. The muppets have been infiltrating kids’ entertainment for years with their liberal agenda. Just look at the characters.


Animal: Obviously a long haired hippy.

Dr. Bunson Honeydew: Scientist. Probably believes in global warming and evolution.

Statler and Waldorf: Living high off social security with their balcony seat tickets.

Fozzie: Comedian. Possibly jewish.

Gonzo: Illegal alien.


It’s bad enough Sesame Street is teaching kids that poverty and AIDS exist. Figures that one of the largest corporations in the world (currently #226) would put out an anti corporation liberal agenda.

You Weirdos Will Never Stop Typing Crazy Shit Into Search Engines.

Posted on by
8

Welcome back to the third installment of the seemingly ongoing series “The Things You Weridos Type Into Search Engines” where I take a look at the google searches that bring people to this blog. It’s one of my favorites to write and everytime I think something like “shitting while standing bad for health”can’t be topped, the next day I get “an evil sea creature for kids shark”. Let’s see what we got just in the last 30 days.


young and naive, gay and canadian
Searching for sex or the latest Bryan Adams album? Boom! Take that, Bryan Adams!


are most female gym teachers lesbians
I’m glad this person wasn’t so prejudiced that they’d ask google if ALL female gym teachers are lesbians, just most.


men playing with their uncircumcised penis
The whole uncircumcised penis thing has been a recurring theme since I did a blog about Foreskin Man but this exact wording got three hits in a week! I actually googled it, thinking the blog would show up on the first page but I couldn’t find it in the first 20 pages. Why are so many people searching so hard for this?


I can’t stop farting and it’s affecting my job and I can’t stop farting documentary
These were two different searches on two different days. I like to think that it’s the same guy. First he got fired from his job because he farted too much and then he wanted to make a movie about it.


if you are shot in the military are you still a veteran
…what? Did some veteran think his service was invalid because he was shot in the line of duty? If you’re still reading, person who typed this, yes. You’re still a veteran. I think you even get a medal of some sort. You should probably talk to a commanding officer about that.


shower, -meteor, -meteorite, -baby, -wedding, -curtain
Rock and roll! Cola wars! I can’t take it anymore!


perverted penguin drinking beer
… I don’t… what?


I could honestly do one of these every week and not run out of material.

p.s. hey other wordpress bloggers who follow me! Leave a comment with the weirdest search engine terms you’ve found in the stats! Challenge (takes off glove, slaps you in the motherfucking face with glove)!

Does Anybody Even Like This Stupid Lying Bitch?

Posted on by
6

So the other day Michele Bachmann said if she were president, we wouldn’t have an American embassy in Iran. The US hasn’t had an embassy in Iran since 1980 but no big surprise there. Between John Wayne, Elvis, the Founding Fathers, first shots fired etc. etc. I think most of the American people have just become used to Bachmann’s constant stream of misinformed bullshit word salad. It’s like every time she has to go in front of a camera or crowd she has an aide punch her in the side of her head as hard as they can. She sounds punch drunk.


To make things even better, she’s now flat out denying that her statement was false. The balls on this woman!


From a statement from her campaign, “Congresswoman Bachmann is a member of the House Select Committee on Intelligence and is fully aware that we do not have an embassy in Iran and have not had one since 1980,” said the statement. “She was agreeing with the actions taken by the British to secure their embassy personnel and was speaking in the hypothetical, that if she was President of the United States and if we had an embassy in Iran, she would have taken the same actions as the British.”


Oh, so that’s what she meant. I guess it’s everybody else’s fault for not reading her goddamned mind.


Whatever. It’s not the first time she’s been a dumb asshole and it won’t be the last. This recent story just made me think… does anybody like her?


I know that most of the people reading this tend to be liberal but is there anybody out there who would honestly vote for Michele Bachmann? I know a few republicans and libertarians and tea partiers but I’ve never had a conversation with anybody who actually likes her.


It’s gotta be tough for the Bachmann supporter (if they exist). Constantly defending her misstatents, gaffes, hiding in bushes to spy on gay rallies, her crazy eyes.

She got crazy eyes. This isn't even a "gotcha" shot. This is like her congressional class photo.




I don’t even want somebody to try to convince me to like her, I just want to find somebody that admits they like her.


Are you out there?


Horseburgers.

Posted on by
6

Sometimes it’s actually hard to believe the economy is in the shitter. I’m poor as hell but I still have a phone that gives me high speed internet pretty much anywhere I go. I’m typing this post from one of the multiple computers in my home. All these cheap modern conveniences make it hard to identify with those great depression era pictures of dirty faced tramps standing in bread lines.


This is actually the line for the iPhone 4.




Certain things really put the current state of the economy in perspective though, like this story stating we may start slaughtering horses for food.


From the story, “Horses could soon be butchered in the U.S. for human consumption after Congress quietly lifted a 5-year-old ban on funding horse meat inspections, and activists say slaughterhouses could be up and running in as little as a month.”


Wait, 5-year-old ban? We were slaughtering horses for meat 5 years ago? I don’t remember seeing horse steaks at Cub Foods 5 years ago but I was a bachelor then and only went to the store five times a year.


According to the article, the last slaughterhouse that butchered horses closed in 2007 and most of the meat was sent off to foreign countries for consumption. Most of the meat. Where did the other stuff go? Have I eaten horse before and not known it? Did I like it?


The main reason, according to the pro-slaughter group United Horsemen (the fact that a pro-horse-slaughter group exists is hilarious), has stated that reopening horse slaughterhouses will create jobs. Horse slaughtering jobs.


Also from the article, “Sue Wallis, a Wyoming state lawmaker who’s the group’s vice president, said ranchers used to be able to sell horses that were too old or unfit for work to slaughterhouses but now they have to ship them to butchers in Canada and Mexico, where they fetch less than half the price.” So wait, we only get the shitty old horses to eat?


The group says that an entire section of the agriculture industry was crippled because people won’t eat horses purely out of “sentimental and romantic” reasons. Also, their manes make it look like they have people hair so that’s kind of weird.

Look at this and tell me you want to eat it.




When it comes down to it, you probably won’t see McDonald’s offering a horseburger anytime soon. This country has apparently been slaughtering horses for years and I’ve never seen it available. Who knows? Maybe it’ll become a high end fancy meat. There’s this place in uptown that will let you eat guinea pig for like $30.



All it takes is the right marketing. I say I’d never eat horse meat but if the Minnesota State Fair had deep fried horse on a stick next year, I’d probably try it. It worked for alligator meat.


What do you think? Leave a comment. Would you eat horse? How would you like it? Burger, steak, horse tacos? Did you imagine a horse in a sombrero when you read horse tacos? It’s okay, I totally imagined one while writing it.

Isaac is Such a Pussy

Posted on by
3

A few years ago I was driving back from Iowa with Mitch and Isaac after an awesome stand up show where the audience loved us forever. On I-35 in Iowa there’s a ten mile (at least) stretch where there’s no gas stations. We unfortunately hit that stretch right as we were running out of gas so Mitch shut off the A/C to conserve fuel. It was 90 degrees and sunny that day so it became uncomfortable real fast. Then this happened.


ISAAC: First one to roll down his window is a pussy.
MITCH: I’m not a pussy.
ME: I’m not a pussy.


5 minutes go by. We’re all sweating profusely.


ISAAC: Are you guys chilly?
ME: My nipples are hard.
MITCH: Bill, could you grab my sweater in the back seat? I don’t think I’m wearing enough layers.


5 more minutes. The temperature in the car is well over 100 degrees.


MITCH: Man, we are stupid.
ME: What’s the matter? (girly voice) Are you a little warm?
MITCH: What? No! I’m not a pussy.
ISAAC: It’s okay if you want to roll your window down. We won’t think less of you just because you’re a pussy.
ME: I will.
MITCH: I said I’m not a pussy! I like this! It’s good for the pores!


5 more minutes. No gas station in sight.


ME: Could you turn the heat on? I think I’m catching a cold.
ISAAC: Nice try. You probably want to roll your window down because you’re a pussy.
ME: You’d like that, wouldn’t you? You’d like that cool breeze on your pussy face.


We eventually find a gas station. Nobody has rolled down his window yet. We pull up next to a pump.


ISAAC: First one to open his door is a pussy.


Some more time passes.


ISAAC: So… do any of you need to use the bathroom?
ME: I’m fine. I’m actually going to lay down and take a nap because I’m so comfortable. When one of you pussies gets out of here and goes in to the gas station, could you get me a bowl of soup and a cup of hot cocoa?
MITCH: This is so stupid. Isaac, your knees are sweating.


I look down. My forearms are sweating. We all start laughing. Then we’re silent for a couple of minutes. Eventually –


ISAAC: Alright. (Opens door) I have to go in to –
ME: OH MY GOD YOU’RE SUCH A PUSSY!!!
MITCH: I knew he was the pussy!
ISAAC: Shut up, guys! I just need to go to the bathroom!


There’s more to this story but I passed out for several minutes and was visited by my spirit animal. It was a wolf. It told me to listen to the trees.