Tag Archives: humor

I Don’t Think I’m Mom Enough.

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So here’s the Time magazine cover that’s got everybody’s panties in a bunch this week –







Okay. All the news articles I’ve read about it say that the kid on the cover is three years old but he easily could pass for five. I don’t know if his mom is taking growth hormones to increase milk production or what but that is one huge three year old.



The article is about “attachment parenting” (the link goes to the AP wiki page. I’d link the Time article but stupid Time magazine wants you to pay to read their stuff). A form of parenting that supposedly fosters better bonds between parents and kids. This includes carrying them around in a sling, sleeping in the same bed as them, stay-at-home parenting and not getting babysitters and breastfeeding when the kid is old enough to unhook his mom’s bra one handed.



You can almost hear a collective sigh of relief from all those parents who make their kids wear helmets at the playground because they’re no longer considered the craziest parents on the block.



Whatever. I’m not going to tell people how to raise their kids but it’s certainly not how I’d go about doing things. In fact, it sounds like a recipe for raising a kid to go all Norman Bates on you. Just look at him –



Stop looking at the hot mom for a second and tell me that kid doesn’t look creepy.





It’s like he’s looking at you just daringyou to take him off that tit. Think about it. He probably asks his mom for food in full sentences. “Mom, can you please lift up your shirt? I’m hungry.”



I’m not sure what the acceptable cutoff age is for breastfeeding but I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to have vivid memories of sucking on your mom’s tit as a child.

Dark Shadows.

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I haven’t seen any trailers or heard anything about Dark Shadows but I heard Tim Burton’s directing it so I’m guessing it stars Johnny Depp playing some pasty faced, foppish weirdo.


Just






call







it







a







hunch.









I’m not saying Tim Burton is in love with Johnny Depp in paleface makeup but I’m not completely convinced Helena Bonham Carter isn’t just Johnny Depp in drag.


Or maybe a girl clone.

I Am So Glad I’m Straight.

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You know what’s awesome? Being heterosexual.



I think one of the best things about being straight is that nobody gives me a hard time for it. Not once in my life has anybody made fun of me for my sexual attraction to women. Nobody hates me because I’m straight. A bunch of drunken hillbilly homosexuals have never beat the shit out of me because they hate straight people. Nobody’s ever belittled me because they’re afraid they might be straight and they can’t deal with that. It’s awesome.



What’s even better about it is that the law is totally on my side. I have never been denied a single right because of the gender of people I like to bang. It’s really awesome! I even married somebody and there’s a bunch of laws set up to give me even more rights and protections because I’m married!



I’m glad those laws are set up, too. I love the woman I married and want to spend the rest of my life with her but that totally isn’t necessary for a marriage to happen. I could hate her guts, never touch her and openly plan to divorce her like two months after the wedding and they’d still let us get married.



It’s not even a religious thing. I could literally wipe my ass with a bible during the wedding ceremony but the state would still file the marriage certificate because we’re a man and a woman.



Anyway, I’m glad those laws are set up. I love my wife and I shudder to think of a world where the government wouldn’t allow me to get married to her. Seriously. Not once during the planning of our wedding did I think “what if we can’t?”. Ugh. That’d be terrible.



We spent a year engaged and nobody ever said we shouldn’t get married because we’re straight. That would have been awful, especially if it was the government saying it.



If the government told me that I couldn’t marry the person I loved, if they told me that I’d never be able to marry the person I loved, I would seriously have no faith or trust in my government. If the people of my state voted on whether or not I get to marry the person I love and they voted that I didn’t, I’d feel like a pariah in my own city.



Whelp, good thing I’m straight and don’t have to worry about any of that bullshit. Can you imagine?



Seriously, though. Fuck you, North Carolina. Fuck your state government, fuck your voters, fuck Governor Bev Perdue and fuck your state bird, The Cardinal.

Push up!

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For those of you who read this post or have seen me you may know that I’m a fat guy. Steps have been taken to make myself less fat but progress has been slow so I’ve decided to take extreme measures and make the ultimate sacrifice in my quest to live healthier. I’ve decided to start working out.


Working out is hard. I can’t afford a personal trainer or gym membership and Michelle Obama only cares about fat kids (why doesn’t she care about us fat adults?) but that doesn’t mean working out is impossible. If you can’t afford the Ivan Drago half of the Rocky IV training montage you just do the Rocky half.




Alright, it’ll probably be a while before I’m pulling people on sleds made from logs that i sawed myself but there’s still plenty of workouts I can do for free. If I want to do some cardio I’ll just go for a walk or bike ride. For strength training I can do push ups and sit ups.

In fact, there’s a website that shows you how to do the hundred push ups challenge. It’s a six week program designed to get you worked up to the point where you can crack off a hundred push ups in a row. That’s pretty badass. If I could do a hundred push ups in a row I think I’d show that skill off as often as possible. If I was talking to somebody about fitness and they asked what I do when I work out I would show them by doing a hundred push ups in a row. If somebody dropped their pen on the floor I’d be all like “oh here let me get that for you and do a hundred push ups while I’m down here.”


The program starts with an initial test where you do as many push ups as you can to determine where you should start in the program. If you can only do 1 or 2 you may need to do an extra week of work. If you can already do 100 why are you even starting this program? Yesterday morning I got on the floor for the initial test and I did 12 push ups.



That’s not a lot. It was seriously my limit, too. My armpits are sore this morning. 12? To make matters worse last week I emailed my bio to the guy who booked me for the Canada shows and this is what I sent him –



Bio:
Born in the wild, raised by wolves, trained by the government. Bill Young is the kind of comedian that writes jokes and then tells those jokes to you when he is on stage. His work has appeared in the Cannes International Film Festival twice and he recently headlined the Up and Comers Showcase at the Akumal Comedy Festival. Bill Young can do over 20 push ups.


Shit. What if I’m up there and they ask me to prove it? Everybody knows it’s illegal to lie in Canada! I might get deported or get a beat down from a bunch of Mounties carrying whatever their equivalent to billy clubs are (hockey sticks?).



Alright. This program is supposed to get me to 100 pushups in 6 weeks. Hopefully I can get to 20 in four weeks.


Ugh. Losing weight sucks. I’m gonna rent Heavy Weights on Netflix and eat a jar of peanut butter.

Remember Heavy Weights? It’s actually a really funny movie. Judd Apatow wrote it. No lie.

The Crazy Things You Weirdos Type Into Search Engines: The Legend Continues

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Once upon a time there was a boy who started a blog because he quit his job to be a stay at home stepdad / comedian and his wife said “if you’re going to be home all day you’re gonna write comedy every day.” The boy wrote the blog every weekday and soon, due to his tendency to swear excessively and write about weird topics, the blog started getting hits from google searches that were kind of weird. In fact, some were downright disturbing.


The boy started posting about those search engine hits when he got sick of making fun of republican presidential candidates and now we’re here in our 6th installment of The Things You Weirdos Type Into Search Engines



In case you missed out, here’s links to the previous installments –


Shitting While Standing Bad For Health

Foreskin Donut

I can’t stop farting and it’s affecting my job

the fuck you fuck you dairy

what is the medical term for queef?


and here’s some google search hits from the last 30 days!


south park mr hankey xxx
Okay, it’s bad enough that there’s somebody out there looking for anthropomorphic cartoon turd porn but I got two hits for this one in the same day.

youngnotions.com. Proving rule 34 right on a daily basis.


Hey, speaking of poop –


turd plane comedy
I don’t even know what this person was looking for. A comedy about a plane made out of turds? Jokes about pooping on a plane? In don’t… What?


knitted foreskin
What’s sad about this one is that it’s not even the strangest foreskin related search term that’s led to this site.


god are you there for hindus
I like that it’s not asking “Is God there for Hindus”, it’s asking “god are you there for hindus”. Like the person asking thinks google is god. They’re praying to the internet.


meat goo
I know this one came up because I did a post about pink slime in beef and called it “meat goo” but I’m sure that’s not what this person was looking for. I shudder to think what that person was looking for.


Seriously. You all should be ashamed of yourselves.

The Goste of Superior Shores Resort.

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Hey, kids! Daddy has a splitting headache right now so how about a story from my honeymoon with Jena so I don’t have to read every news site on the internet for something to make fun of? Here we go!


The suite we’re staying at has a guest book where people can share their experience with future guests. Many are from newlywed couples or people celebrating their anniversary talking about how amazing Split Rock Lighthouse is (holy shit it’s just a lighthouse. Calm the fuck down middle aged couples from Blaine). Some people let their children write their log into the book which can range from adorable to… this.



6/22/08
MAYBELINE SEEN A GOSTE IN THE HOT TUB. WE THOT IT WAS PA, COME BACK FOR HIS $ SO WE BURNT A PUNKIN DOWN BY THE LAKE FER JEEZUS TO COME HELP!
VERNON GUTRANKLE, TN.



Burning pumpkins are like the bat signal but for Jesus.

Minneapolis Cops Accused of Baffling “Drugs for Nothing” Program.

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Holy shit. City Pages just put up a story about how Minneapolis cops are supposedly cruising Occupy protests to find people who are high and take them to a facility to take part in an impairment study. Allegedly, if the cops can’t find anybody who is high, they’ll get them high and sometimes even stop at a McDonald’s drive through and get them a McDouble for their trouble. The article even said they took one person who was kind of high already and got him really high before taking him to the study.


It’s no secret that I’m afraid of cops and spending a night in jail did nothing to alleviate my fears but now I have to worry about cops getting kids high?



Great. I knew we were going to have to do the “drug talk” with my stepson sooner or later but now we’ll have to amend it completely. Here we go –



Jared. You’re going to be 12 in just a couple of months and as you get older you’re going to have to make new decisions. Your parents, stepmom and I aren’t going to be around you 100% of the time so we’re trusting you to use good judgement and common sense.

I don’t need to tell you that “drugs are bad”. You’ve heard plenty about the dangers of drugs in school and you’re a smart kid but you need to realize that hearing about it in a classroom is very different from dealing with the situation in real life. I just want you to know that if a police officer tries to give you drugs you need to say “no” and get away from them as fast as possible.

If a cop ever offers you drugs you need to get away and tell somebody. Find a trusted adult like… shit. Cops used to be the “go to” people when thinking of trusted adults. I guess we don’t really have that option anymore. Go and find a… priest? No. Not a priest (at least not a Catholic one). Uh… how about a fireman? Go and find a fireman or something and tell them what happened.

It may not be easy. You may feel pressured into doing the drugs the cops are trying to give you because they’re in a position of authority and you’ve been told since you were a toddler that the police are here to protect you. They also carry loaded firearms so that kind of ups the intimidation factor.

It doesn’t matter. You have a bright future ahead of you and you don’t need to ruin it just because some police officer needs to meet some quota for a drug study.

DARE to resist drugs from cops.

O, Canada!

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I just found out that I’ll be doing a couple of shows in Thunder Bay, Ontario next month. In the 11 years I’ve been doing this jokey thing I’ve never left the country and now I’m gonna hit two foreign lands in three months. Maybe this will be the start of a new trend for me. Hopefully I’ll be big in central European countries that are known for their chocolate.



Any Belgian club owners can contact me at bill@youngnotions.com for booking info.



While going to Mexico was a bit of a culture shock for me Canada should be a walk in the park. I went to Thunder bay one time in high school and as a Minnesotan I’m pretty much almost Canadian anyway. In fact, a couple of years ago my friend Mike Brody (who just released a comedy album through Rooftop Records. CLICK HERE TO BUY IT, YA JERKS) traveled to Canada for shows. Since he had never been to the country before, I sent him this email to help him along on his international journey.




Greetings, old friend. I understand that this is your first time in Canada. Visiting a foreign land can be strange and confusing so, as somebody who went to Thunder Bay on a family camping trip once when he was 17, I think I can tell you all you need to know to get by in our northerly neighbor of Canadia.



1. Eskimos: Don’t call them Eskimos. You’re going to see a lot of dark skinned men in parkas holding a spear that has a fish on the end of it. You will see these men and women living in igloos and using dogsleds as their primary means of transportation. DO NOT CALL THEM ESKIMOS. They’re Inuit. Calling them Eskimos is like calling black people the “n” word in the real world.



2. Poutine: You’ve had poutine at the HOC but Rick may not have told you that due to FDA regulations, what you’ve had was a watered down, diluted poutine solution. Much like absinthe or black metal, poutine is much stronger in foreign countries. Stay away from it. It will kill you.



3. Mounties: Don’t make fun of them. They’re not like the Canadian version of those Buckingham Palace guards who can’t move. They will throw down.

Seriously. This pic was from the wikipedia page for "Mounties". They'll fuck your shit up.





4. Your comedy: Doesn’t matter what you say, just wear a dress while you’re saying it.



5. The White Witch: She’s turned Canada into a land where it’s always winter but never Christmas. You must build an army with Aslan to defeat her. Do this, and you will be named the king of Canada.



For more information on Canada, talk to anybody near you because you are in Canada.

Mayday and the Killer Gutter Punk Pedal Float!

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Mayday is a holiday primarily celebrated by hippies. I really don’t have the patience to research it (re: look it up on wikipedia) but I’m sure that, like any other pagan holiday, mayday is about screwing and maypoles are a phallic symbol.



Let's hold hands and dance around the dick!




In fact, I didn’t even know that Mayday was a holiday until three years ago. When Jena and I had been dating for about 7 months she asked me if I wanted to go to the Mayday parade at Powderhorn Park. The parade is put on (or sponsored by or partnered with) Heart of the Beast Puppet Theater so there’s always these huge paper mâché puppets marching down the street. Pretty cool stuff.


We got to the parade early to get a good seat and got to witness the unofficial-yet-tolerated “parade before the parade” which was a bunch of gutter punks riding around on their homemade bikes.


See, gutter punks are like the drunk, deadbeat uncle of the hippie. They’re family so the hippie doesn’t say anything when the gutter punk show up to the Christmas party for the free meal and doesn’t bring gifts for anybody but they really wish Uncle Gutterpunk would just get his life together or at least shower before he showed up.


So the gutter punks are all riding around showing off their tall bikes and long bikes and wide bikes and bicicyles built for 5 etc. It’s like Dr. Seuss and Tom Waits had a homeless baby. Towards the end of the bike parade there was a pedal powered float. It looked like it was patched together from scraps from Fred Sanford’s junkyard. It was a two level slanted shanty. Inside on the first level were about 6 gutter punks pedaling away and drinking Black Label. About 8 feet off the ground on the roof there was a band playing with somebody steering.


As the band played and gutter punks biked and ran around the float, hopping in and out. One girl tries to jump on the front of the float. As it’s moving forward. This did not go well. The float runs her over and stops on top of her. People rush to help and start yelling “back up” to the driver but DIY multi pedal technology has yet to crack the code for “reverse”. Eventually everybody gets out and they lift the thing off of her. An ambulance arrives shortly and I’m secretly a little disappointed that it’s not pedal powered and covered in “This Bike is a Pipe Bomb” stickers.


I hope the girl is okay. I’m pretty sure she didn’t die. In fact, in the middle of writing this I thought to google it and there’s a video on youtube of the whole incident. The comment section is full of conservatives saying this is why communism is bad. Frankly, I’m surprised Obama didn’t get blamed for it.


Several months later I was at the Guthrie theater for the MN Fringe wrap party. Jena had a show in the Fringe that year but I left the party early because I had to work the next morning. As I was about to get into my car, the slanty shanty rolled down the street with a few people on the roof. I flagged down a gutterpunk who was riding his bike alongside the float and asked “Didn’t that thing almost kill a girl at the Mayday parade?” He looked at me confused and said “Uh… I don’t… think so? Maybe you’re thinking of something else.”


“I’m not. That thing shouldn’t be on the road.”


“Don’t worry, man. We’re totally safe.” And then he rode off on his bike that he, a kid with no training in mechanics or welding, built himself.

My Grandmother Thinks I’m a Pornographer.

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Several years ago I directed a play for the Minnesota Fringe Festival called “Porn! Or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Dong”. It was a musical loosely based on Jenna Jameson’s autobiography



Get it? Loosely? Ba-Zing!





and written by my friend and fringe collaborator Mike Yanke. Here’s a phone conversation that I had with my grandma about the play that I found on my ol’ myspace blog. Enjoy!


GRANDMA: So what are you doing right now?

ME: I’m just on break right now from rehearsal.

GRANDMA: Rehearsal from what?

ME: Oh, just the Fringe play I’m-

GRANDMA: Oh, is this the play your uncle Ron was telling me about?!?

ME: Wha?

GRANDMA: Your uncle Ron called me and said Oh, Bill’s play is pornography! He said he read in the paper that there’s nudity and sex and pornography in this play! Are you doing pornography, Billy?

ME: What? No! I’m not doing a pornography! There’s no sex or nudity in this play!

GRANDMA: So youre not doing a pornography?

ME: No. I’m not… doing a pornography.

GRANDMA: Good. I think you can get arrested for doing pornography. I dont want you to go to jail.

ME: I’m not going to jail for doing this show, grandma.

GRANDMA: Well, what is this play about, then?

ME: It’s a comedy.

GRANDMA: Oh, a comedy! What’s it about?

ME: Well, it’s a comedy about pornography.

GRANDMA: Really? You can do comedy about pornography?

ME: Sort of.

GRANDMA: Is there a script?

ME: Sort of.

GRANDMA: Can I get a copy of the script to read?

ME: What? Why?

GRANDMA: Well, I think I’d like to read this script before I go see the show. So it’s not pornography and sex?

ME: No.

GRANDMA: Oh, good. I dont want to go see any pornography. (laughs) I dont even know what pornography is!

ME: Please stop saying pornography.


Thank God she never came to the show. It was all pornography.