Tag Archives: humor

Happy Birthday, Wife!

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Hey, y’all! It’s Jena’s birthday today! She’s… 25 years old today.



Yeah… 25. Let’s go with that.



So since it’s her birthday, rather than spend the morning scanning the news for ways to make fun of republicans I’ve spent my morning reading her blog posts again! You can do it, too! Here’s some of my favorites. Just click on the blue text to be transported to a magical world of Jena Young humorous bloggings!



Dolls That Offend Sensitivities. It’s true that she is actually scared of Care Bears. Seriously. I really have to hammer in the fact that this is an actual fear because it sounds like a joke when she describes it but one time I pulled a Care Bear out of a kid’s toy box at a friend’s house and she froze like a bee landed on her nose.



Girls Love Shopping! It’s true that there’s a brand of toilet paper I don’t allow in the house. It’s Angel Soft and not just because the baby on the package is creepy looking –

the tiny picture doesn’t really convey the look of insatiable undead hunger in his face.

Angel Soft is owned by Koch industries and the Koch brothers pretty much invented the Tea Party, bankrolled Walker etc. etc. Also, guess which brand of TP I came home to?



Internet Love. If the internet was a person Jena would leave me in a heartbeat for him/her/whatever. I’m just glad Steve Jobs died before he could invent the iMan.



Monkey Pants Pick up Lines. Not sure which I like more, the pictures of surprised monkeys or the puns.



Road Head. Heh. “Soft touch” car wash.



Happy birthday, love!


Last Night’s Presidential Debate as Told by Facebook.

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I didn’t get a chance to watch the presidential debate last night but I really didn’t need to. My decision is already made. It’s not like Romney’s going to say anything to win my vote so why watch the debates? They’re not for me.



Besides, if I want to find out how the debate turned out I can just check my facebook newsfeed and let all the partisan hysterics and hastily created memes inform me! Let’s see what facebook had to say about last night’s debate, broken down by political view.


CONSERVATIVE: “Romney won by a million points.”

To hear my republican friends on facebook tell the tale, Obama got his ass handed to him. Romney brought the pain last night as President Obama stood there shaking like the scared little secret muslim socialist he is, unable to defend the last four years or lay out a good plan for the future. The best comment I saw on a right wing circle jerk thread from last night – “You can’t spin this. The mainstream media will attempt to ‘fact check’ Romney tomorrow to mitigate Obama’s lackluster showing, but the verdict is in. To say otherwise is either incompetence or denial.” I love how “fact check” is in quotes, like fact checking is some junk science that has no room in politics.

Whatever. Enjoy your victory, assholes.



LIBERTARIAN: “YOU SHEEP CAN WATCH THESE PUPPETS DEBATE ALL YOU WANT BUT THEY’RE THE SAME PERSON BLAH BLAH TWO PARTY SYSTEM BLAH BLAH RON PAUL.”

Gotham City’s newest villian was once two presidential candidates until a debate went horribly awry…

I’m pretty sure most libertarians and independents are just in it for the smug sense of superiority they feel over democrats and republicans. They’re like the political version of people who say atheists are as annoying as fundamentalist christians. Don’t ask them how we’d actually change such a large, broken system otherwise they’ll just scream “Ron Paul!” and run away.



LIBERAL: OMG ROMNEY SAID HE’S GOING TO KILL SESAME STREET NOOOOOOO!

So less than an hour after the debate these images started filling up my newsfeed –

I don’t even get the reference on this one, honestly.




Apparently last night in the debates Mitt Romney said something about cutting PBS funding and now the democrats are jumping all over it. Now, I’ll admit cutting gov’t funding to PBS to lower the deficit is stupid and inefficient but to have the left jump all over that one thing he said just shows me how much better he did than Obama last night.

Also, when the fuck did all these people suddenly care about PBS? If half the people on facebook jumping to the defense of PBS actually fucking donated to PBS then it wouldn’t need to get part of it’s funding from the government anyway. Republicans would have to find another red herring to blame the debt on and the channel which you probably only use as a babysitter and maybe watch one cool documentary a year on would be safe.



EVERYBODY: “Jim Lehrer is a shitty moderator.”



To hear about it afterwards, Jim Lehrer stammered his way through the entire thing, couldn’t get the candidates to stick to their time or topic, peed himself, cried and hid under the table rocking back and forth in the fetal position for the last 20 minutes.




Man, I can’t wait to see what my facebook friends have to tell me about the next two debates!

Move Over, Bachmann! There’s a New Nutjob Republican Congressman in Town!

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His name is Todd Akin!



“Howdy, y’all! Wimmin’re things!”





You probably know Rep. Todd Akin as the man who is running for Senate in Missouri and said that horribly untrue thing about women not being able to get pregnant when raped but did you know he says awful, misinformed things about women all the time?



It’s true! Why, just the other day he was spouting off on why womenfolk shouldn’t receive equal pay –



[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xMG9Aqd8tx0&w=560&h=315]



Or you can check out this little ditty where he claims abortion providers commonly give abortions to women who aren’t pregnant and kill women through misuse of anesthetics



Don’t worry, though, dudes! If you’re feeling left out because Rep. Akin is focusing all of his ignorant hate on women he also says some stupid shit that can be directed at men, too!



“I think that the thing you have to do is, people have to start being held accountable for their decisions. If somebody’s not buying insurance, then they’re going to have to be selling their car, or whatever it is to try to help cover that.” — at a primary debate, in response to a moderator’s question about what an uninsured 28-year-old who gets cancer should do, January 2012 (source: politico.com



If you weren’t convinced of his dismissive, 1950’s attitude towards women, he stated that after his first debate with Senator McCaskill that she wasn’t as ladylike as her first campaign in 2006.



Now you’d think this race would be a slam dunk for McCaskill and it was until recently. See, after that whole “legitimate rape” thing (which by the way some people still swear is true), most republicans abandoned him and some, including Mitt Romney, suggested he withdraw his campaign. Todd Akin just didn’t realize that no means no and kept on campaigning despite his fellow republicans begging him to stop. Now that the date has passed for him to take his name off the ballot the Republicans are going to see his campaign all the way through even though he really forced himself onto the ballot and created this unwanted candidacy. I’m sure the Republican party would love to replace him somehow before his candidacy reached full term but they’re stuck with him and they need the senate seat so they’re throwing their support and money behind him.



The worst part of this all is that he’s only slightly behind in the polls! the RCP poll average (which, granted, can be a little right leaning) has him behind 1. Fucking. Percent. An internal poll done by the Claire McCaskill campaign has her up by 9% but that gap should be even wider, given the things Akin’s said.



I can’t even believe Akin stands a chance. Get your shit together, Missouri. Don’t prove grandpa Simpson right.



[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EM3NSTbi4OQ&w=420&h=315]


Beer Bonging Buttholes Banned

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In the proud college fraternity tradition of strangely combining homophobia and homoeroticism, a University of Tennessee student was hospitalized with a blood alcohol content of nearly .45, allegedly achieving the nearly fatal alcohol poisoning via alcohol enemas`. The student vehemently denied he did such a thing but bloodstains and eyewitnesses confirm that he was, as the Knoxville News Literally called it several times in their article about the incident, “butt chugging.”



The craziest part of this story isn’t even how college kids are now apparently shoving boxed wine up their rectums to get drunk quicker (to be fair, have you tasted the boxed stuff?), it was the statement that was released by the Pi Alpha Kappa Fraternity after the… butt chugging incident happened in a Pi Alpha Kappa house.


“The recent allegations against these individuals have come as a complete shock to The Pi Kappa Alpha International Fraternity, its 15,000 undergraduate members and over 200,000 living alumni, family and friends,” the statement lied. “Pi Kappa Alpha’s mission is to develop men of integrity, intellect and high moral character and to foster a truly lifelong fraternal experience. These alleged activities are clearly not consistent with that mission, nor are they representative of what the fraternity would expect from any of its members.”



Come on, Pi Alpha Kappa, don’t try to blow Franzia up our asses. It’s one thing to condemn the actions of your members but don’t act surprised that there’s been an alcohol poisoning at a goddamn fraternity! You might as well act surprised that there was a date rape at a fraternity. Or act surprised when a hazing incident at a fraternity goes horribly awry, seriously injuring and sometimes even killing a pledge. Or act surprised when systematic cheating on tests goes on in a fraternity…



Wait, why the hell do we still have these things around anyway?

except as the settings for shitty straight-to-video National Lampoon movies.

What the Fuck Happened With Mitt Romney?

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Not once this year have I been worried that Mitt Romney would win this election. There have been moments that I’ve heard people defend some awful thing he’s said that made me scratch my head but never have I thought he could actually win this thing. Obama’s got this, plain and simple.

Despite my confidence in Obama winning this election, Mitt’s been at least holding his own so far but the last couple of weeks he seemed to transform from a somewhat viable candidate to a completely unelectable mess of a ruthless capitalist –



[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0EsxNYXW5i8&w=560&h=315]



with a complete disdain for half of the country –



[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nvqHERTcytI&w=560&h=315]



who either doesn’t know how healthcare works for the uninsured or doesn’t care –



[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LOWzn6JCmEo&w=560&h=315]



and somehow has fallen under the shadow of his charismatic running mate –



[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SclDiN-lcYE&w=560&h=315]



Dude… what the fuck? I knew he was going down but I didn’t expect him to shoot himself in the foot this badly.



Listen, I keep telling you guys I’m horrible at photoshop. Whatever. You get the joke here.





I’m starting to feel bad for the poor guy. A recent guardian poll that utilizes an odd infographic of the two candidates holding balloons shows Obama securing 319 electoral votes to Romney’s 191 (with 12 electoral votes up for grabs). Why is Mitt still doing this? Why does he push on with all the polls against him, when every time he opens his mouth he says something dumber and more out of touch? Who does he have in his corner that gives him the confidence to keep doing this?



[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7ud3pK5Wa90&w=560&h=315]



Boom. Chuck Norris backs Romney.



Well, he doesn’t exactly back Romney. In fact, he didn’t even mention his name the entire video. He just implied that you shouldn’t vote for Obama because of socialism and 1,000 years of darkness.



Seriously, Mitt Romney can’t even get some wacky conservative like Chuck Norris to back him completely and Chuck Norris backed Mike Huckabee in 2008!



[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MDUQW8LUMs8&w=420&h=315]



Poor Mitt. I’d feel bad for him if he wasn’t a greed fueled robot hell bent on forcing everyone in America to wear magic underwear.


Killing People Out Of Kindness

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I’m pretty sure Bill forgot to write up a post last night. That, or he messed up the timer on the publish. So either you get no Bill post today and this random snippet, or you get just a quick post from me about charity and activism.

Won’t somebody think of the children?

About 10 years ago, I played in a Halo tournament with 80 other clowns and came in 3rd. I played a LOT of Halo, as I had a lot of frustration to get out, and it’s a good way to pass the time without waking your toddler from his nap (sound off). What I’m saying is that I used to be really good at Halo.

About 10 years ago.

I recently got recruited to do a charity event called High Charity. It is a weekend long Halo Marathon to raise money for Child’s Play Charity, an organization that provides toys and games to sick kids in hospitals. I love charity works, and I love playing games, and I used to be really good at Halo.

About 10 years ago.

Anyone who’s been to my house knows I have many older gaming consoles and a 55 inch TV shrine to game play. I have a wii, xbox, PS2, game cube, N64, and an Atarti 2600 (Anyone who gives me an old sega box or an NES will garner my undying gratitude). All of my systems are hooked up to switches in various fashions so that I can theoretically play whatever system at any time I want.

I haven’t even touched my xbox in probably a year or so.

I figure I should practice my old Halo 2 game. So I go to turn on the xbox. Pause, wipe the dust off of it, and continue. It’s been so long, I have to reset the time and date. And I can’t. The system, everything is working fine… except my controller. Well, replace the batteries. Nothing. Swap controllers. I can kind of navigate with it, but my joystick drifts to the left, and the buttons only work intermittently.

Well, now we know why I haven’t played xbox in a while.

I’ve ordered some controllers and they’re on their way. In the meantime, check out the site, donate, and mark on your calendars to check out the marathon starting October 26th. Last year, Chris Kluwe stopped by and played for a bit, and it seems likely he’ll be back. It’s sure to be a good time for a good cause.

Oh, and before you jerks ask, no, I cannot get you into this marathon. It’s not my house, my system, my set up, or my marathon. Now quit pouting and go donate.

I Can Kill You With My Brain, or…

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Before becoming a home-maker, I worked at the U of M, doing computer support for doctors and researchers. People that develop amazing cures and technologies all the time. I remember a story where people at the U developed a video game you could play with your brain. Just hook up some sensors, and you use your brain to navigate your space ship… you tell it where to go WITH THE POWER OF YOUR MIND!!!

That should excite you. The possibilities are absolutely endless. With this technology, we could make surgery completely noninvasive. It’s possible we could develop a way communicate with each other through our brains. We have the ability to view images from people’s brains, but we could use that to make a more fair judicial system, or solve crimes. We could make the world a better place.

It’s all fun and game until you’re taken over by an alien species and start trying to kill your friends.

Or, we could make ridiculous fashion accessories.

Last July, a Japanese company called Neurowear released a headband with kitty ears that reacted to the wearer’s emotional state. I think they’re kinda cute. Had I millions to spend on ridiculous things, I’d probably buy a pair, wear them for 5 minutes, and then put them int he back of my massive walk-in closet full of thousands of shoes that I never wear, just keep in a walk-in closet to make other people jealous of the amount of shoes I have.

Leave it to the Japanese…

Just yesterday, they announced the creation of a tail that does the same thing. But wait- there’s more! It’s not enough that random strangers in your general area can see how you feel. It also tracks your emotions and sends them to an app that broadcasts your emotions to other tail-wearing emoting kids in your area. Our local Anime convention will never be the same.

OH MY GOD! I just realized what they’re doing! They’re creating the ultimate furry!

I really don’t want to know which animal part they’re planning to release next.

Bill Nye the Badass Guy

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Bill Nye is back in the public eye! The guy partially responsible for turning Millenials into a generation of nerds is now kicking creationist ass in the name of reason.


The scientist turned actor/comedian/kids’ show host is best known for his work in the mid ’90s on his show “Bill Nye the Science Guy” where he used his super science powers to answer the Insane Clown Posse’s questions years before they would even ask and on a level that even they can understand –



[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jnidJJFSaco&w=420&h=315]



These days though you can see him on youtube explaining why bible stories shouldn’t be taught in science classrooms –



[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gHbYJfwFgOU&w=560&h=315]



That video has gone viral now with over 4 million hits and stories from a bunch of major news outlets. The video has also drawn the ire of The Creation Museum, a place in Kentucky where you can see exhibits of man walking next to dinosaurs and half constructed “Noah’s Ark”.



I couldn’t be happier. The same guy who used Suicidal Tendencies song parodies to teach me about mammals is now arguing with the people who’s ideas drive me insane!



[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UiYeMntc9jE&w=420&h=315]



If Bill Nye ran for president I would totally vote for him. He should run in 2016. All he needs is the perfect running mate…



Boom.





Ladies and gentlemen, I think I just created the perfect campaign ticket.



NYE/DEGRASSE TYSON 2016. EVERYBODY GOES TO SPACE



I’m awful at photoshop but if anybody wants to make up a Nye/Degrasse Tyson campaign poster I’d gladly put it up here. Possible alternative campaign slogans –

*Less fighting. More robot fighting.

*A Telescope in every observatory.

*Because seriously let’s get a person on Mars.

*The Han and Lando of science!



I’d love to see that happen but I doubt it ever will. I’m just not sure America’s ready for a black vice president.

Once Upon a Time…

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There was a beautiful princess that was captured by an evil warlock. The warlock wished to make her his bride but she refused. He attempted to win her with gifts, feats of magic and even threats to her family but with each attempt she simply said “only the pure have access to my heart”.



The warlock kept her locked in a tower for years. There were no doors to get in or out and only a single small window grated with iron bars but the princess never attempted to escape. When the warlock asked the princess why she didn’t even attempt to leave if she spurned his love so she replied “One day my rescuer will come and I will stand up and calmly walk out of this cold prison of yours”.



One day while the Warlock was trying in vain to win over his captive princess he heard something off in the distance. Slowly it grew louder and clearer, as if it was coming closer. “What could that be?” cried the Warlock. “There shouldn’t be anybody within miles of us!” The wizard looked into the forest but could see nothing as the sound grew louder, driving him mad. He reached out and with a wave of his hand he set the surrounding forest on fire but the sound still steadily increased as if it were coming closer! He shot lightning bolts wildly around him to try to stop the sound but nothing he did slowed it’s growing might.


He eventually pointed a finger at the princess and screamed “Is this what you want? I’ll kill her before I give her up, do you hear me? I’ll kill-” and before he could finish his sentence his head exploded. His body fell limp and hit the ground. The tower vanished in an instant and the princess floated softly to the ground. The sound that felled the wizard quieted in a slow decrescendo, putting out the forest fire as it left.



The princess knew what the sound was. It was the music of Denson & Young. She bowed her head slightly, smiled and said “thank you.”

You too can come hear the music that felled the evil wizard. Come see Denson & Young: 1000 Unicorn Whispers tomorrow night at the Comedy Corner Underground. A night of music, magic, comedy and free cookies await.

All the Bacon.

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Last weekend I went out for my friend Josh’s bachelor party. I had a few drinks and ended up getting a ride home from my friend Brian. I always knew that Brian was a nice guy but that night I discovered he is an angel sent from bacon heaven to spread delicious pork related joy to all around him.



I got in his car that night and he took a five pound vacuum sealed slab of bacon and threw it on my lap and said “do you want this bacon? This restaurant I work for gave it to me a while back and I’m never going to use all of it.”



You’re goddamn motherfucking right I want that bacon. Look at that bacon –

Jared with TheBacon. Once the adoption paperwork goes through they will be brothers.





So much bacon. Think of all the things I can do with this bacon now that I have it. I could –


*Slow cook the whole slab and videotape myself eating it in one sitting, Man vs. Food style. Die almost immediately.

* Hang it off a rack and get in shape punching it.

* Carve it into a bacon sculpture. Try to get a new Minnesota State Fair tradition going. Bacon sculptures sound way better than butter sculptures (sorry, dairy farmers!).

* Throw the giant slab of bacon at criminals’ heads. Fight crime as the superhero “The Baconator” or, if Wendy’s sues, “Baconman”.

* Cut into strips, wrap myself in the strips and go out on Halloween as a Bacon Mummy. Spend all night running from dogs.

* Cut up and package, share with the wife and boy (boring!).


Whatever I do with it, one thing is for certain. I have so much bacon. So much…

Pardon me while I laugh maniacally for ten minutes straight.




Bacon!