Last weekend I went out for my friend Josh’s bachelor party. I had a few drinks and ended up getting a ride home from my friend Brian. I always knew that Brian was a nice guy but that night I discovered he is an angel sent from bacon heaven to spread delicious pork related joy to all around him.
I got in his car that night and he took a five pound vacuum sealed slab of bacon and threw it on my lap and said “do you want this bacon? This restaurant I work for gave it to me a while back and I’m never going to use all of it.”
You’re goddamn motherfucking right I want that bacon. Look at that bacon –
So much bacon. Think of all the things I can do with this bacon now that I have it. I could –
*Slow cook the whole slab and videotape myself eating it in one sitting, Man vs. Food style. Die almost immediately.
* Hang it off a rack and get in shape punching it.
* Carve it into a bacon sculpture. Try to get a new Minnesota State Fair tradition going. Bacon sculptures sound way better than butter sculptures (sorry, dairy farmers!).
* Throw the giant slab of bacon at criminals’ heads. Fight crime as the superhero “The Baconator” or, if Wendy’s sues, “Baconman”.
* Cut into strips, wrap myself in the strips and go out on Halloween as a Bacon Mummy. Spend all night running from dogs.
* Cut up and package, share with the wife and boy (boring!).
Whatever I do with it, one thing is for certain. I have so much bacon. So much…