Tag Archives: election

Michele Bachmann is the Reason I Drink

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It’s 8am and I’m already drunk.

I woke up early this morning. Before my alarm. For anyone who knows me, this is kind of a big deal. But I had this feeling that something big was going to happen today. Like, the spidey sense of comedy was tingling. I could sense the danger.

So I did what any good comedian does when they want to get the latest from what’s tickling society, and hopped on Facebook.

Here is what I saw:

This isn't even a tenth of them...

This isn’t even a tenth of them…

(Two of the stories in this picture are other liberal propaganda against Republicans. One of them was intentional, and one was not. The one that wasn’t was the Obamacare story. But Hell if I’m going to fix it now.)

I saw all this, and I started drinking. Not just because I’m an alcoholic, but because this is truly a sad, sad day for us.

YoungNotions is going to have to close up shop.

There is no way we’re going to be able to bring you the same quality articles we brought you in the past. I just did a search, and in just over 2 years of the comedy website’s posts, 3 pages of the results were about Michele Bachmann.

We brought you Michele Bachmann fellating a corndog.
We’ve shared in her crazy lies and crazy eyes.
We’ve discussed the restraining order on her from God.
We’ve reveled in her financial woes.
We’ve outed her jealousy of other women in politics.

And we’ve talked about Bill’s absolute and complete obsession with her repeatedly. And by we, I mean Bill.

But all of that is going away. Because Michele Bachmann is not going to run for re-election.

 

I actually have this pic in a YoungNotions folder on my desk for frequently used images.

I actually have this pic in a YoungNotions folder on my desk for frequently used images.

When I heard the news, I reached for the nearest bottle of alcohol (rubbing) and just downed the entire thing. I’m super angry. Angry that she’s making comedy harder on me. Angry that she’s removing the bread and butter of our comedy site. Angry that I’m going to have to start doing actual research on things going on instead of making cheap shots about how her husband is probably gay.

Actually, I think that joke is pretty lame. One, because I hate it when people tell me I’m a different orientation than I am, and Two, because it’s super lazy. Like, way lazier than either Bill or I. And that’s pretty lazy.

Mostly, I was angry that she didn’t wait until tomorrow to do so. Because tomorrow is both Bill’s turn to write the blog AND his birthday. It would have been the best birthday ever. Like a life sized hot chick made of chocolate with a boozy inside (I didn’t get him one of those, either). Instead, she’s like that awkward friend who ruins the surprise party by talking about how they’ll see the person being surprised the next day at the surprise party they don’t know about.

Way to ruin my husband’s birthday, Michele. Way to ruin YoungNotions. AND WAY TO RUIN AMERICA!!!

And my liver.

YEEEEEEEEEESSSSSS!

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Last night was pretty awesome for me. Obama got reelected. Both the Marriage Amendment and the Voter I.D. Amendment were shot down, pretty much every republican who said awful things about rape this campaign were defeated, Donald Trump completely lost his shit on twitter and Josh Reimnitz won the District 4 Minneapolis School Board seat –



We’ve received like 2 dozen letters, door hangers, flyers etc. from this guy’s campaign. His website is super well done. I simply voted for him just because he put so much damn effort into his campaign.





All in all this election was a big win for me but there’s always a couple of things that didn’t go how I hoped –


BACHMANN FUCKING WON AGAIN



Seriously? That crazy bitch is fucking bulletproof. Two more years of her having legislative power. Two more years of her getting in front of TV cameras and talking about freedom for lightbulbs and God telling her to do shit. Granted, as a comedian I’m kind of relieved she’ll still be here to kick around but it’s too high a price to pay. I’d gladly give up all the low hanging fruit in the world to have her disappear from the public eye forever.


HOLY SHIT THEY ACTUALLY SHOT DOWN THAT MEASURE 5 THING IN NORTH DAKOTA



Remember that blog I did a couple of days ago about that wacky N.D. measure? It didn’t pass. By a huge margin. Turns out 67% of North Dakotans love strangling cats.



In spite of the minor WTF losses, I’m really optimistic about the next four years of Obama. Mainly because it will probably make Donald Trump literally go insane.



Seriously. Fuck that guy.

What Day Is It?

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I feel like there’s something I’m supposed to do today.

Hmmmmm……..

Maybe I’m missing something… I wish my friends would let me know.

What? I can call Chris Kluwe a friend. We hung out in a basement and played video games for charity. We’re like BFFs. No big deal.

If only I had some clue… something to tip me off…

Make sure to read Chris’ post in there. It’s nerd-perfect.

Okay, fine. Yes, it’s voting day. There wasn’t a moment that I didn’t know that today, because this morning, Bill woke me up with “work told us to go vote first and then we will start our workday do you wanna come vote with me huh do ya” like a little kid on Christmas morning. My original plan was to go at 2 in the afternoon because that’s when no one else will be there, but he was just so goddamned excited over this I had to say yes.

So we woke up the boy, and brought him with us to go vote. We all stood in line. Bill and I signed a piece of paper and were given tickets. We went to the next table and were told how to fill out our ballots. We went to the NEXT table and got our ballots. We sat down at a table and filled out our ballots. Then we turned in our ballots and got our stickers.

I did it all for the sticker.

Democracy, bitches.

At just about every table, people asked jokingly if Jared was voting. Honestly, it’s gotta be so dull in there, with all these serious people people being very serious about their serious duties to seriously make the serious choices. Seriously. Jokes (and the Youngs provided a couple) were probably the best “thank you” we could have given them.

When I went to vote, Jared sat next to me and I pointed out various parts of the ballot. I told him not to share, as privacy during voting is very important. We talked afterward why not voting on an amendment counts as a no. We talked about how you could bring a list of who you were going to vote for. And we talked about how important it is to vote.

It sounds like I did voting correctly, right? Like ours is pretty much the example of how you should vote? As a family, teach the next generation as I go? Proud to be participating in the greatness that is our electoral process?

Dead wrong, kids. Once I got back, I hopped on Facebook, and had this conversation with master voter Chris Olsen:

High five!

Kids, if you haven’t voted yet, please, PLEASE promise me you’ll take joy in it. We all get so jaded and so serious and so stuffy over our duty, but remember the fact that we have the right is FUCKING AWESOME! That we don’t live in a dictatorship, that no one is pointing guns at us, forcing us to “vote” for a specific person. The fact that we get to have a say in WHO is leading our country… It’s one of the best parts of being an American! We should be voting with glee!

And we should totally be going out for ice cream after. Who doesn’t like ice cream?

Communists, that’s who. Don’t be a commie. Eat ice cream!

I am so Fucking Burned Out on Politics

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Okay.  Here’s the deal.  I’m not going to blog about any political stuff until this election is over this week.  

 

Really.  I’m totally serious.  

 

This was started as a comedy blog but with this being an election year and the whole gay marriage issue being on the ballot I’ve been getting more and more political.  It’s been super easy, too, considering every time a Republican politician opens their mouth they say some awful, demeaning thing about rape being okay.  

 

Not talking politics will be kind of hard.  With one week to go it’s the only thing that will be on the news and people’s Facebook news feeds will be full of political bullshit.  It’s on everybody’s minds but I just can’t bring myself to post about it anymore.  You can even get sick of your favorite food if you eat it every meal.  

 

No problem.  I’ll use this time to get back to the roots of this blog.  Posting fake responses to Craigslist job ads and poop jokes.  You know, write about stuff that really matters.  

 

So there you go.  For my last political rant in the election season I’ll predict some quotes from Republican politicians about rape we’ll hear in the next 8 days.  

 

“Come on.  We all know that there’s ‘rape’ and then there’s RAPE.  There’s a difference.”

 

“Being a mother is a full time job so when you think about it, rapists are really job creators.”

 

“I’m not saying women ask for it with how they dress but those Muslim ladies are covered head to toe and there are almost no reported rapes in middle eastern countries.”

 

“Maybe they should fight back harder.  I see ads for women’s self defense classes all the time.  I’m not saying it’s all on them but rape really is a two way street.  

 

Ugh.  Fucking republicans.  

Move Over, Obama Girl! There’s a Way Shittier Conservative Ripoff in Town!

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When it comes to political beliefs, so much of it is debatable opinion. What I think is right for this country can be wildly different from what somebody else thinks. So little of politics is actual verifiable fact but whatever you believe there is at least one undeniable truth in politics. Republicans suck at political comedy. Don’t believe me?



[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6o_3UIhK-Pw&w=420&h=315]



I’m so very sorry if you just watched that. Nobody should ever be subjected to The Half Hour News Hour but I’m trying to make a point here and I think I succeeded.



If that wasn’t example enough for you, we have this –



[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yyrN17jAiDw&w=560&h=315]



That’s Paul Ryan Girl. It’s a…parody of Obama Girl I guess? I think they’re trying to be funny, right? They did a song parody of “Let’s Get Physical” because he’s into P90X and this strung out crackwhore shows up who’s supposed to be the Obama Girl but she likes Paul Ryan now? Take that, Obama Girl and Obama!



In an interview with Sean Hateity the actress said that most of the negative feedback has just been superficial stuff like she’s not as Obama Girl which is weird because there’s totally a bunch of non superficial things wrong with this. Let’s start with the fact that Paul Ryan isn’t running for President. Why no Mitt Romney Girl? Why can’t this poor guy step out of the shadow of his running mate? Is it because he doesn’t look as good shirtless or is it harder to find shirtless pics of him because of the whole Mormon underwear thing?



Not mine. Click the pic for more Arrested Development quotes on campaign pics.





Also, the Obama Girl video was an original song. This is a parody. It’s the lowest form of musical comedy. Only one person in the world gets to get away with doing parody songs and that’s Weird Al. This ain’t Weird Al.



Also Obama Girl’s way hotter.


Ain’t No Party Like a Third Party!

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I learned a couple of things yesterday:

1. Larry King is still alive –



King at the 2010 Emmys.





2. He’ll be hosting the Third Party Presidential Candidate Debate on October 23rd.



3. There’s a bunch of people running under third party tickets for president this year.



I guess I haven’t really thought about the whole third party thing this year. Usually in the last couple of decades there’s been a prominent third party candidate that gets national attention, is the butt of some jokes and is accused of being a spoiler for the losing party. First it was Ross Perot, then it was Ralph Nader and after that Ron Paul in 2008. I thought he would have kept carrying the torch this year but he’s been pretty quiet since losing the republican nomination –



Ron Paul posing at a campaign stop in 2011.





So there’s no big 3rd party contender this year to snatch up 2% of the vote but there’s still plenty of people running under endorsements from all sorts of crazy parties! Let’s get to meet them!



Gary Johnson

Not Ron Paul





Party: Libertarian.

Position: As former Governor of New Mexico, he cut taxes and spending and blah blah blah.

Weed?: Legalize it.

Chances of winning: Zip.


Jill Stein

Not Ralph Nader





Party: Green.

Position: Buncha hippie shit.

Weed?: Legalize it.

Chances of winning: As somebody who lost in campaigns for Mass. House, Secretary of Commonwealth and two nonconsecutive losing Gubernatorial campaigns, Jill has a real strong advantage of taking her experience in losing elections and bringing it to the national stage. She’s really going to lose this one hard.



Virgil Goode

Not Pat Buchanan.





Party: Constitution.

Position: Muslims=Bad. Seriously. Dude sent out a letter to his constituents when he was a Congressman about Keith Ellison swearing in on a Koran. “When I raise my hand to take the oath on Swearing In Day, I will have the Bible in my other hand. I do not subscribe to using the Koran in any way. The Muslim Representative from Minnesota was elected by the voters of that district and if American citizens don’t wake up and adopt the Virgil Goode position on immigration there will likely be many more Muslims elected to office and demanding the use of the Koran.”

Weed?: Unsure but he hangs with libertarians so he’d probably legalize it.

Chances of winning: Zilch.


Rocky Anderson

Not Green Lantern.




Party: Justice.

Wait, like the Justice League?: I fucking wish.

Position: Occupy Wall Street.

Weed?: Legalize it, duh.

Chances of winning: Zero.


There you have it! These four patriots will face off in a debate and it can be seen exlusively on ora.tv! Tune in on October 23rd where I’m sure Larry King will start every question with “Okay, let’s just pretend for a moment that you have a chance of winning. Now…”



Honestly, I hope they just spend the entire debate all talking about how they think weed is totally awesome.

What’s Your Sign?

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Okay, so there are two pretty divisive votes up on the ballot in MN this coming election. One for a Voter I.D. law and one to amend the MN constitution to say that marriage is only between one man and one woman. Even though polls indicate both laws will probably pass I’ve held out hope that these will get shot down. I think a lot of that hope has been kept alive by the fact that I live in Uptown and am surrounded by a sea of “Vote No!” signs.



Unfortunately, my new job takes me into the suburbs a lot and now I’m surrounded by a sea of this shit –



It’s nice to see republicans try to connect with one minority by shitting on another.





Wh… what does that picture have to do with Voter ID? “Vote Yes on Voter ID or this girl won’t get to hug her soldier dad for some reason!”





I have to say that when I see a “vote yes” sign in somebody’s yard it actually makes me angry. I kind of want to take it out or vandalize it but I’d never actually do that because that’s just wrong. I mean, who’d actually do that shit?



vote no yes?






Oh, right. They would. To be fair –



That’s just paper taped on there so it isn’t really vandalism but… either way the rainbow’s a nice touch.





So we can’t fuck up their signs (even though they fuck up ours) but I still want to show them that I’m pissed off. I want to make the bigots with the vote yes yard signs angry without breaking any laws or actually causing any damage or harm. I think I know something that might work.



I want to get a gay couple to make out in front of the house of somebody with a “vote yes” sign. No nudity or sex (illegal), not in their yard (trespassing), just have a couple of gay dudes or chicks just making out on the public sidewalk in front of their house. The couple get’s hot makeouts and the opportunity to piss off a homophobe. Everybody wins!



… everybody wins except the homophobe but whatever.

If you’d like to be the couple making out please email your application to bill@youngnotions.com! I will provide transportation to the closest suburb and a hot lunch. Makeouts must last until somebody notices or 20 minutes or whenever you get tired of it.

Move Over, Todd Akin! There’s Somehow an Even Crazier Republican Running for Office!

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His name is Charlie Fuqua and he’s running for the Arkansas House of Representatives!



Even though he’s running for a state level position, his campaign has received national attention because he literally wants to kick all the Muslims out of the country and give parents the power to kill their children if they act up.


Seriously. He actually believes those things. He even wrote a book called “God’s Law”. You can buy it on Amazon. In the book he talks about how ‘Merikuh’s goin’ ta hell and biblical principals are the only thing to get us back on the right track. “The founding fathers of the United States were immersed in biblical teachings and principles, and they employed them in the construction of our governmental and economic systems” said the book about a bunch of Deists so against Theocracy they wrote an amendment in the constitution preventing religion and government intermingling too much.



A flag and a cross together? If Chuck Norris saw this he’d shit an entire Bald Eagle.





He even says that parents should be able to kill their kids if they’re rebellious. “The guidelines for administering the death penalty to rebellious children are given in Deut 21:18-21:
This passage does not give parents blanket authority to kill their children. They must follow the proper procedure in order to have the death penalty executed against their children.”



He also says we should kick all the Muslims out but that’s pretty par for the course for these assholes so I’m not going to waste any time harping on that.



Okay. I know there’s some righties that read this. Please explain this guy. He’s running on the Republican ticket. He got the rubber stamp from the state party. How the fuck did this one happen? I mean, I get Bachmann and Akin. I don’t like either of them but I understand why some people would vote for them. This Fuqua fuquer, on the other hand, just seems like a gross caricature of the worst aspects of Republican ideology and he still got the nomination. If the left equivalent of this guy came out with a book that recommended mandatory abortions and bans on same race marriage they’d never get the Democrat stamp of approval. Not even in California.



…okay maybe in California but probably not.

Seriously Though What Does the Vice President do?

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Vice President Joe Biden and Congressman Paul Ryan are preparing to face off Thursday in the only Vice Presidential debate of the campaign. Finally, we’ll get to hear what the Vice President and his opponent think. Their policies, their plans, their…



Man, I’m honestly having a hard time getting into this. I didn’t even give a shit about the presidential debates. Why would I care about the VP debates? I don’t even know what the VP does, anyway.



That’s not (completely) true. I have the average American’s knowledge of the Vice President’s duties. I know he’s the next in line for presidency if something happens to the president and I think he also presides over the Senate or something.



Okay, just checked wikipedia. He’s totally the president of the senate. Presides over it and casts tiebreaking votes. That seems like it’s important, right? I’m going to read up on this some more and find out if there’s any other duties.



Hold up. Turns out all that Senate stuff is actually usually handled by the President Pro Tempore. The VP doesn’t even do most of the President of the Senate shit. So what, does he just sit in an office all day waiting for the president to die? Is that a job?



“Hey, Barry. How’s it going? Everything all right? No heart problems? Alright, then. Guess I’ll head back to my office.”





Okay, after more reading it turns out the VP has a bunch of informal duties. Aside from being a presidential advisor, the VP is also the president’s total bitch. Really. From the wikipedia article – “Under the American system the President is both head of state and head of government, and the ceremonial duties of the former position are often delegated to the Vice President. The Vice President may meet with other heads of state or attend state funerals in other countries, at times when the administration wishes to demonstrate concern or support but cannot send the President himself.”



So that’s what the VP does. All the bullshit busywork that the president doesn’t want to do. Okay.



Well now I want to watch the debate Thursday even less. Who wants to watch a couple of errand boys go at it? Granted, if Romney wins, Paul Ryan will totally be running things. Remember this –
[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5CSVSwSaypg&w=560&h=315]


What the Fuck Happened With Mitt Romney?

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Not once this year have I been worried that Mitt Romney would win this election. There have been moments that I’ve heard people defend some awful thing he’s said that made me scratch my head but never have I thought he could actually win this thing. Obama’s got this, plain and simple.

Despite my confidence in Obama winning this election, Mitt’s been at least holding his own so far but the last couple of weeks he seemed to transform from a somewhat viable candidate to a completely unelectable mess of a ruthless capitalist –



[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0EsxNYXW5i8&w=560&h=315]



with a complete disdain for half of the country –



[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nvqHERTcytI&w=560&h=315]



who either doesn’t know how healthcare works for the uninsured or doesn’t care –



[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LOWzn6JCmEo&w=560&h=315]



and somehow has fallen under the shadow of his charismatic running mate –



[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SclDiN-lcYE&w=560&h=315]



Dude… what the fuck? I knew he was going down but I didn’t expect him to shoot himself in the foot this badly.



Listen, I keep telling you guys I’m horrible at photoshop. Whatever. You get the joke here.





I’m starting to feel bad for the poor guy. A recent guardian poll that utilizes an odd infographic of the two candidates holding balloons shows Obama securing 319 electoral votes to Romney’s 191 (with 12 electoral votes up for grabs). Why is Mitt still doing this? Why does he push on with all the polls against him, when every time he opens his mouth he says something dumber and more out of touch? Who does he have in his corner that gives him the confidence to keep doing this?



[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7ud3pK5Wa90&w=560&h=315]



Boom. Chuck Norris backs Romney.



Well, he doesn’t exactly back Romney. In fact, he didn’t even mention his name the entire video. He just implied that you shouldn’t vote for Obama because of socialism and 1,000 years of darkness.



Seriously, Mitt Romney can’t even get some wacky conservative like Chuck Norris to back him completely and Chuck Norris backed Mike Huckabee in 2008!



[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MDUQW8LUMs8&w=420&h=315]



Poor Mitt. I’d feel bad for him if he wasn’t a greed fueled robot hell bent on forcing everyone in America to wear magic underwear.