Pretty Girls in Trouble

Posted on May 6, 2013 by Bill

I haven’t followed this Jodi Arias trial at all.

I’m not trying to sound superior or anything when I say that. My favorite forms of entertainment are cartoons, kung fu movies and anything zombie related so I can’t really pass judgment on what other people watch. True crime drama just doesn’t do it for me. That’s all.

Thankfully, cnn.com has posted an article for people like me who have missed the nonstop, 24 hour, meticulous, all encompassing coverage of the trial. Just like every other trial by media in the last few years, it’s pretty much come to the conclusion that she’s guilty while trying vainly to seem unbiased. Also, like every trial by media in the last few years, it’s involved a pretty white girl –

Damn. I’d let her stab me 27 times and shove me in a shower stall IFYOUKNOWWHATI’MSAYIN!

Before Jodi Arias it was Casey Anthony –

I’d let her drown me in a swimming pool IFYOUKNOWWHATI’MSAYING

Before that (and I guess it’s in the news again for some reason) was the Amanda Knox trial –

I’d let her stab me in the throat in my apartment in Italy IFYOUKNOWWHATI’MSAYIN!

Think about it. Would everybody care nearly as much if these girls weren’t seriously hot? I think this country just likes seeing a pretty white girl get raked through the coals every once in a while. Don’t get me wrong, the crimes they’re accused of are really fucked up and, at least for Knox and Arias, there’s a bunch of weird sexual intrigue going on but there’s plenty of weird sex crimes going on all the time in this country and we don’t look at them twice. For example –

Dawn Peel awoke her boyfriend with a kiss one late night in October and asked him “do you love me?” He said “yes” and then she started sawing at his throat with a fucking chef’s knife. She apparently thought he was cheating on her and was living up to an earlier promise to get revenge on him in his sleep.

This story didn’t make it past a couple city pages articles though. Was it because the victim survived the attack or was it because she looked like this –

She doesn’t look that bad for 50, I just doubt she’s going to get any offers from Vivid once she gets out of prison.

I’m Afraid to go Outside Right Now.

Posted on May 2, 2013 by Bill

Yesterday I heard repeatedly on the radio about how we’re going to get 3-7 inches of snow. How the morning commute was going to be shit. Meteorologists kept going on about this freak May snowstorm that was going to blanket the Twin Cities with a thick, heavy slush overnight.

This morning I turn my computer on and find out that it was worse than predicted. As much as 13 inches have been dumped as far south as Rochester and as far north as Brainerd.

I look outside and not a drop or flake is on the ground.

…what?

There… was a snowstorm, right? I get that meteorologists can fuck up their predictions sometimes but the news said there was snow!

Here’s a map with the three cities listed in the beginning of the article I linked. Minneapolis is right in the middle of that –

How…

Apparently there’s snow all around me but there’s no snow in Minneapolis. Don’t get me wrong, I’m glad there’s no snow but now I’m just scared that it’s waiting for me out there. Like, the second I get outside the snow’s all going to fall down in one clump like a cartoon and then the tow truck drivers come and tow my car for snow emergency because they’re a bunch of evil Satan-worshipping wizards!

…I’m putting on a jacket just to be safe.

Union Free Twinkies

Posted on April 30, 2013 by Bill

Okay, guys. I know that Jason Collins came out of the closet and that’s groundbreaking and a huge deal but we need to talk about something important. Snack cakes.

It seems as if Hostess will be hitting the shelves again pretty soon. I found out from this image that’s been floating around facebook the last couple of days –

from the facebook post: “Twinkies are back! (At least they will be by July.) Two companies have purchased the Hostess assets and will reopen four plants and hire 1,500 workers – and all of this will be done union free!! LIKE if you will buy a union free Twinkie to celebrate!”

This little gem came from the facebook group ForAmerica, the offical page of foramerica.org. foramerica.org is a nonprofit started by conservative pundit L. Brent Bozell III to serve the dual purpose of trying to repeal Obamacare via the use of memes –

*the viewpoints of foramerica.org do not necessarily reflect those of Tardar Sauce, aka Grumpy Cat.

and sucking the GOP’s dick through creepy fanfic –

This could totally be the beginning of a Republican porno. “Trickle Down Her Back”

Also their website has a freedom meter. I don’t even know what that’s about –

maybe it’s like a scientology e-meter. You grab onto a couple of metal rods and somebody asks you a bunch of questions about eagles and fireworks or something.

Whatever. I’m not going to try to explain to them why unions didn’t cause the collapse of Hostess to these douchebags. Plenty of people have tried on the comment thread of the pic and failed. I will, however, say this. I don’t care that Hostess is coming back.

Turns out America didn’t collapse with the absence of Hostess. Sure, Batman had to work a little harder to get away from mummies but other than that I think we did alright as a country in the last few months –

Batman’s been slipping ever since he found out he can bribe most villains with sweets.

So sorry, ForAmerica. I think I’ll pass on the union free twinkies. I’m trying to cut back on sweets and bullshit union demonizing. Besides. If I really want some packed with chemicals and lard sponge cake Little Debbie has been my dealer since Hostess closed anyway.

OK so they’re not union either but all employees are shareholders and Swiss Cake Rolls are better than Ho Hos anyway.

FINGERNAILS

Posted on April 29, 2013 by Bill

Okay. Resolution Monday time. Let’s talk about nail biting.

When I originally decided to throw this one on my list of new year’s resolutions I figured it would be a slam dunk. It’s honestly not that big of a problem but I thought it would be one that would be easy to solve. After almost five months it turns out I’m having an easier time keeping off booze than I am keeping my fingernails out of my mouth.

It’d be so easy just to give up but I’m going to stick this out. Let’s see what options I have to help tackle this nail biting problem of mine.

HYPNOSIS
Pro: Could help me stop biting my nails through hypnotic suggestion.

Con: Once hypnotist has opened my subconscious for suggestion they can program me to do anything they want. Rob banks for them, assassinate their enemies. I’d be their helpless puppet.

WRAPPING HANDS IN TAPE
Pro: Wouldn’t be able to bite nails due to hands being wrapped in tape. If enough tape was wrapped around hands, could use them as a wrecking ball like some shitty comic book villain.

Con: Would need help going to the bathroom. Also would need help doing anything else in life that requires hands.

SETTING HANDS ON FIRE
Pro: Couldn’t bite nails due to hands constantly being on fire. Save on electricity since every room I’d walk into would already have two small fires burning. Light people’s cigarettes for them. Look incredibly badass.

Cons: I see absolutely no cons to my hands constantly being on fire.

Looks like I might be onto something here. I’ll try this out and get back to you guys if there are any downsides.

New Camera!

Posted on April 25, 2013 by Bill

A couple weeks ago I won a digital camera at my work in a prize drawing!

I took the picture with my phone!

This is pretty exciting for two reasons. 1: I never win anything in prize drawings or raffles. 2: I’ve never owned a digital camera. Well, except for the one on my last four phones, my ipod and my laptop. This is different, though! This is just a camera! This will probably take much better quality pictures and when I walk around with a fancy looking camera slung around my neck people will stop and say “ooh, is that a professional photographer? We should hire him to take photos of our all-girl pillow fight sessions!”

Okay. Let’s crack this open and see what we’ve got.

Okay. Warranty info, ad for an online photo storage/sharing service nobody will ever use and some cords. Pretty standard.

Instruction booklet.

Jesus. This thing’s like 200 pages.

Install disk, check.

Jesus. Another install disk?

More fucking cords? This box is like a goddamn clown car.

Finally!

Christ. This almost seems like it ain’t worth the effort. I may as well just keep taking pictures of stupid stuff I see at gas stations with my phone.

Wait… Gay Marriage Wasn’t Already Mandatory in France?

Posted on April 24, 2013 by Bill

Here’s a thing I just found out that really surprised me. Gay marriage was just legalized in France this week. What surprised me about it was not the fact that the gay marriage bill passed but that it was really fiercely debated. There were protests, riots, police and tear gas. Shit was crazy –

Sacre Bleu! Photo credit: Philippe Wojazer / Reuters

I can’t believe there was such fierce opposition to gay marriage in France because… well… it’s France.

This is fucking France we’re talking about. It’s the San Francisco of Europe. This is the country that’s known for wine, mimes and sexual permissiveness. Their biggest exports are turtlenecks and pencil thin mustaches. How could France not be in full support of gay marriage? It’s France! Their capital city is known as gay Paris! Even the people protesting gay rights there look super gay while they’re doing it!

I checked three times. This is an ANTI gay protest. Photo credit: Kenzo/AFP/Getty Images

This is the country that brought us the goddamn beret and they’re protesting gay marriage?

Protests or no, France’s gay citizens, which until recently I thought was all of them, can now enjoy the same rights as heterosexuals.

Resolution Monday: The Quest to Get Rid of These Goddamn Manboobs.

Posted on April 22, 2013 by Bill

Okay. We’re almost five months into my effort to make 11 New Year’s resolutions and I’ve broken all of them at lease once. I knew that was going to happen. My goal was to keep going even if I did break a resolution. So many people give up after one moment of weakness and I was determined to keep trying even if I faltered and I’m proud to say that I’m still trying with all of these resolutions. Some are going better than others but I haven’t given up on any of them.

Except for binge eating junkfood.

I lasted maybe two weeks on this one. I was bagging my lunch every day. I got a bunch of low sugar protein bars to have for breakfast instead of donuts. I ate fruit. Things were looking pretty good and then one day I was running late for work, decided it wasn’t worth my time to make lunch and now it’s nothing but fast food burgers and gas station donuts getting shoved into my gullet.

I keep telling myself shit like “I’m in a hurry” or “Well I worked really hard today so I’ve probably burned the calories in these three donuts already” but my weight is still hovering around 240.

>/br>
This is so stupid. I’ve done this before. I know I can lose weight if I just slow down the flow of constant sugar and fat being constantly pumped into me. Time to take a new approach.

I’m going to write down everything I eat this week into a notebook. Just by consciously thinking of what I’m eating and having a list in front of me showing what I’m eating should help. Maybe I’ll even post the list in next week’s resolution update if it’s not super embarassing.

Alright. Time to eat some fruit for breakfast because that’s completely just as tasty as donuts and SuperAmerica breakfast sandwiches.

Condoms and Circus Freaks

Posted on April 17, 2013 by Jena

My secret shame is that I can’t juggle.

I grew up out at the Renaissance Festival, surrounded by acrobats, magicians, fire performers, clowns, and jugglers. You know, circus freaks. It’s what we do- perform for your amusement. Weird and wacky things that “normal” people don’t do. On the list, juggling is probably the least offensive and most likely trick for an audience member to know. It’s one of those simple things you just try out one day. Hell, my husband… the stand up comedian… you know, people with no useful skills so they tell jokes? Even HE can juggle. He had a two week segment in his suburban high school’s gym class.

But I can’t do it. I get the concept. I see how it works. The weave of the balls like a three strand braid in the air. But for all my half hearted attempts, I’ve never gotten the hang of it.

Which is a shame, because a street performer who can’t juggle is pretty much the lowest rung of the least respected form of entertainment out there. It doesn’t even matter that I have other street skills. I’ve flipped off of someone’s back, I’ve pulled quarters out from behind childrens ears and made them disappear, I’ve walked against invisible wind, I’ve eaten and blown and spun fire…

My favorite poi pic of me. Yes, I’m spinning fire around my body. Still not as cool as juggling.

…hell, I’ve even blocked a nail.

Don’t know what blocking is? It’s a term for pounding a nail into your head via your nostril, done by the human blockhead, the true illusion freak of the sideshow. It’s not a trick I do because it’s hard to be sexy model lady with a nail in your nose. Also, I always want to sneeze. Also, also, I hate how it feels.

I mean, have you ever laughed so hard you snorted soda pop out your nose? Try that with a nail. It’s not *painful* but it’s also not a pleasant experience.

Which is why, in the world of me getting older and kids getting dumber, I just don’t understand the latest YouTube trend among teens.

Nosing condoms.

All the cool kids are taking a condom, snorting it up their nose, and then pulling it out their mouth. They film it and put it on YouTube, and the other kids love it.

This proves to me that YouTube has become our sideshow of circus freaks.

Which makes me wonder if any of them can juggle.

BIEBERWATCH 2013: AMSTERDAM

Posted on April 15, 2013 by Bill

Ok, I know Monday is usually my New Year’s resolution update time but YOU GUYS WE NEED TO TALK ABOUT JUSTIN BIEBER.

Normally I wouldn’t give a shit about Justin Bieber. Teenage girls obsessively love him, the internet obsessively hates him, I couldn’t care less about him. I just don’t listen to his music. I don’t see what’s the big deal about him. Teenage girls have liked shitty musicians with stupid hair long before I was a kid, he just seems like the latest in a long line of teen idols.

This time, though. He just did something so stupid and obnoxious that it’s really hard to ignore. This time, Justin Bieber –

this guy

Went to the Anne Frank House –

this place

and actually wrote something in the guestbook –

Probably didn’t need an image for guestbook but whatever.

What he wrote was Truly inspiring to be able to come here. Anne was a great girl. Hopefully she would have been a belieber.

Bielebers are what fans of Justin’s music call themselves, in case you were unaware.

So basically, this guy’s wandering around the hiding place of the young girl who unintentionally became one of the most famous writers in history simply by documenting her family’s time struggling against Nazi oppression and he’s thinking “I wonder if she would have liked my music?”

Hey, Justin Bieber! Do you have any comments on the death of Margaret Thatcher?

“Well, I’m not sure what her job was but she didn’t come to any of my UK concerts so I hope the bitch burns in hell.”

What about political strife surrounding the elections in Venezuela?

“I had a really good show there once. I don’t see what the problem is.”

It’s really hard to not see him as some kind of sociopath after hearing about this. The worst part is that if Anne Frank were a teenager in 2013? Yeah, she’d probably be a fan of his music.

Snow in April.

Posted on April 10, 2013 by Bill

This is really, really shitty. There’s a winter storm that doesn’t know it’s fucking spring dumping snow all over the country. Here in MN we got an inch or so last night and are supposed to get 3-5 more tonight. After a long winter that had a lot of punishing snowstorms, this last storm is just rubbing salt on the wound. We’re getting so worn down by the long winter that Canada will take the opportunity to Annex us any day now –

It’s bad enough I have to drive around in this and shovel it off my sidewalk. The worst part of all of this is that it’s all my fault.

It’s my fault that we’re getting this blizzard. I’m so sorry. See, about a month ago I did a post about getting towed during snow emergency that included bragging about not getting towed once this year and a lot of people read it because I used a lot of colorful language to describe history’s greatest villain, the tow truck driver.

Now, I’m not saying a tow truck driver read the article because, as we all know, they’re all illiterate. I could imagine a tow truck driver being told about the post by their meth dealer or hooker or something. Once one found out they spread the word and pretty soon every tow truck driver knew I was out there just bragging that I had escaped their wrath.

This wouldn’t stand with them. Nobody escapes the wrath of the tow truck driver.

Gathering in the parking lot of a shitty strip club. The tow truck drivers used their gypsy-like magic powers to summon a powerful weather system to blanket the earth with snow until I finally would slip up and get towed for snow emergency.

I’m not going to let that happen. I’m sorry so many people had to get pulled into this but I refuse to let my car get towed for snow emergency. Let them bring the snow until June.

YoungNotions

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