Tag Archives: booze

A Phone Conversation. And Strippers.

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phone

“Hey Kitty? It’s Judy.”

“Well, hello Judy! How is your day going?”

“Oh, it’s going just swell. And you, Kitty? How are your boys?”

“They’re great, Judy. Tommy just came in second in the school wide spelling bee. We’re all very proud of him over here, that’s for sure.”

“Oh, well congratulations, Kitty! That’s just wonderful! He’s what, 14 now?”

“Just turned. Now, Judy, what can I do for you?”

“Well, Billy is turning 16 next week, and we’re going to have a little party for him. I was wondering if Tommy and Timmy would like to come.”

“Oh that sounds just wonderful! Of course they would, Judy!”

“It’s going to be a mixed party. You’re okay with that, aren’t you? We’re going to keep a close eye on them.”

“Well, of course I trust you Judy.”

“Excellent! It’s going to be at the Spare Time Family Fun Center.”

“What a good idea! But you’ll keep an eye on the kids… You know they serve alcohol there.”

“Yes, and we plan on getting several pitchers for the party. The kids do love to have a good time, Kitty”

“What?”

“Well, only cheap beer, of course. It’s not like kids at this age can tell the difference.”

“Uh…”

“And Kitty, we’re taping up the windows, and we’re going to have strippers come in from Tops in Bottoms.”

“You’re doing what?!?”

“Well, you should always have live entertainment at a party, Kitty. That shows your child you really care.”

 

A woman hired strippers and served booze at her son’s 16th birthday party. I can only aspire to be such an awesome mom. Because otherwise I might land in jail.

New Year’s Resolution Update: Drinking!

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It’s Monday so let’s have a look at one of the umpteen resolutions I made this year and see how I’m doing. Today I’d like to talk about #3 on my list. No alcohol for the year.



I figured this one was going to be a little tough for me. I do enjoy drinking. A lot of my friends enjoy drinking. Stand up comedy usually takes place in a bar and comedians usually get free drinks. While the challenges were numerable this has been one of the easier ones to keep. I went the whole month of January without drinking and I have to say, I could start to feel the health benefits that come with it. I dropped a few pounds, I had more energy and didn’t feel like shit if I didn’t get a lot of sleep. No hangovers and no gut troubles. There are plenty of advantages to not drinking.



Then again, the downside to not drinking is that you don’t get to be drunk so I decided to briefly break my resolution Saturday when I went out to a show and a going away party for a buddy. I had 32 days under my belt, I figured what’s the harm in drinking one night?



There’s lot’s of harm. Just heaping piles of steaming harm.



I woke up Sunday morning after a full 8 1/2 hours of sleep feeling like I just got ran over. I have had hangovers of all sizes before but this was the first time where my muscles ached. My whole body screamed out in pain like I had gone to the gym for the first time in my life and really overdid it.



That’s the thing about booze. You need that tolerance to deal with the negative effects as you get older. I find myself drinking less and less just because the hangovers are hitting me harder and harder and I’m packing weight on easier and easier. If I’m ever at some dive bar in Northeast Minneapolis and see those 65+ year old dudes at the bar just pounding them back I always wonder how they can handle all the booze at that age when I’m having trouble with it at 30 and the answer is they don’t stop drinking. Their tolerance has just been climbing and climbing with them over the years to keep pace with their age. I don’t think I can do that.



I originally thought I’d take monthly breaks from my drinking resolution but now I’m not so sure. Not drinking might just keep me from drinking this year.

You Can’t Make Me

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Bill is on an airplane right now headed back to us here in the states. His magical trip to Mexico has come to an end, and this means I’m supposed to go back to work tomorrow.

I don’t wanna.

After experiencing what it’s like to be a home-maker, I’m beginning to understand why getting women into the workplace has been slow going. This is the easiest gig I’ve ever had. I have the best child in the world… 11 and able to make his own goddamned bowl of cereal while mama watches her stories and eats bon-bons.  Okay fine, I don’t watch TV. Who needs TV when you have the internet?

I blame YOU for my lack of productivity.

It isn’t the job. I’m one of few people I know that loves what they do. I love fixing computers. It’s almost an obsession. Except without the almost. When Jared had his school dance, Bill and I waited patiently in the computer lab. We were told we could use the computers. Refurbished Hewlet-Packards. Which are horrible computers BTW. I don’t know what they have in their boot system, but start up takes FOREVER, and they tend to be noisier and the laptops get REALLY hot…

Look, what I’m saying is never buy an HP computer. Always buy an HP printer. This is the law.

Anyway, we’re in the computer room, and I think “hey, maybe I’ll check my internets” and so I wake the computer up and I see that there are 27  updates waiting to run, and I’m thinking “does this thing even have SP3, and I told it to run updates. I went to the next computer and started defragging. At the next computer, I deleted install files off the desktop and then started a defrg. I would have done all of them if Bill hadn’t lured me out of the computer lab with booze.

Get me really drunk and maybe I'll reformat your hard-drive.

No, I love my job. But I’m not going back. Because the past 10 days, I have been a chick. And I kinda like it. Here are some of the things I did while Bill was gone:

  • I have had a spa day with my girls, letting an Arbonne consultant make my face pretty and try to sell me facial cleansers and moisturizing masks.
  • Twice.
  • I hostessed a party with a full-on taco bar. (It’s kind of my specialty).
  • I did my nails. Which is a big deal cause I hate doing my nails.
  • I did a clothing swap wherein I got a LOT of clothes, like the below.

This is me at the clothing swap yesterday. Come on!! I even look like a home-maker...

No. I’m sorry. I’m just not going back. Bill is going to have to get a job. Although, he isn’t a skilled laborer like I am, so we’ll have to cut corners. Assuming he can even find a job. The economy’s pretty rough right now.

Maybe we can live off of Bill’s income as a stand up. Stand up comedians are always paid what they’re worth, right? And there are plenty of gigs to be had. Hell I can’t think of why we didn’t do this sooner…

Oh right. Because none of that last paragraph is true. I’ll be back to work tomorrow.

We Need to Talk.

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This is really hard for me but it’s something I’ve needed to say for a while. I can’t be with you anymore. I love you. Of course I still love you. How can I not? I’ll always love you but you’re not good for me and this relationship is becoming toxic.


Please just let me get this all out. I know we’ve known each other for so long that It’s hard to remember a time when we weren’t together. I first met you when I was just a kid. I honestly didn’t like you at first. You seemed bitter and off-putting but all the older at the people were so enamored with your charms. When I became older I started to see why. I’d keep running into you at parties and by spring break on my senior year of high school, we were inseparable.


Those nights we spent together in the first few years were magical. I’ll never forget. People warned me about you and how you chewed up and spit out stronger men than me but what we had was different. We were meant to be together. It was stupid to think that it would be like that forever. People grow and change but you started getting demanding as I got older. You wanted to do all the things that we did early on but I just can’t keep up anymore. I can’t be out all night, throwing my money away at you on the bar just to feel awful the next morning when you aren’t there. I just can’t drink you anymore, beer.


I thought we were special. I really did. When I was in my early twenties I could drink a dozen of you and not have a hangover as long as I had 6 hours of sleep. I thought maybe it was because I was special, because I was different than anybody else but lately I can’t even drink four of you without spending the entire next day on the toilet. What did I do to deserve this? I’ve always treated you with such reverence.


Now I know that I may be developing a mild gluten intolerance and there are gluten free versions of you out there but they’re so expensive. Sure, I’ve spent plenty of money when there’s a decent Belgian selection of you at a bar or I want to treat myself to some craft beers but one of the things I loved about you is that you were really affordable when I needed you to be.



So this is it. We’re done. I just can’t be with you anymore.


Don’t get me wrong, I’m still going to drink vodka and whisky but you and I are through. I’ll miss you.


A lady at the bar drew this picture of us together on St. Patrick's day. You always loved St. Patrick's day.

Payroll Tax Cut: What Does $40 Mean to You?

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CNN reports that the House rejected the Senate bill to extend the payroll tax cut, set to expire on Dec. 31st. Once expired, the average family would see their taxes raised about $1,000 per year or roughly $40 per paycheck. CNN.com is asking it’s readers what $40 dollars means to them so here’s what $40 means to me.


160 PACKETS OF RAMEN

Maruchan means "Round child" or "1,660 mg of sodium"

Frankly I don’t care for the stuff but Jena likes it and the boy goes crazy for it so we usually keep a few on hand for a quick cheap meal. They’re 25 cents each so $40 will get you 160 packets. That’s a lot of Ramen. I’m getting varicose veins just thinking about all that Ramen.


ONE BOTTLE OF REALLY GOOD BOOZE, TWO BOTTLES OF DECENT BOOZE OR THREE BOTTLES OF SHIT BOOZE
If I’m feeling lazy there’s actually a liquor store in my neighborhood that delivers for $5 but their booze is a little pricier so more like one bottle of decent booze or two bottles of shit.


FOUR MONTHS OF NETFLIX STREAMING
We downgraded our cable tv to basic so Netflix is where we get almost all of our home entertainment now. Don’t take away my Netflix, John Boehner. I just got into Dr. Who.


A TOTALLY RAD PIZZA PARTY
$40 could get you a couple of awesome pizzas, some wings or breadsticks and a couple of two liters of soda.


As you can see, $40 can get you a lot these days. Movies, booze, pizza or four blowjobs from House Speaker John Boehner’s mom. Boom!



p.s. The editor of the “Dear Me” book emailed me about my blog from Monday and asked if he could put it in the readers letters section of his website. Check it out here!