New York Daily News: Handling Stories With Class and Dignity Since Never.

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This weekend it was revealed that General David Petraeus, current head of the C.I.A., resigned due to being caught in an extramarital affair.



Now I was all set to do up a blog about posting fake emails between him and his mistress but when I googled “David Petraeus” to get more details on the story the first article that came up was something from the N.Y. Daily News –



Fucking really?





“Gen. Betray Us! Caught In the Act!” That’s their headline. Puns and acronym jokes. It doesn’t even stop there. Read the article and there’s a picture of his mistress with John Stewart and the caption for it literally reads “Paula Broadwell chats with comedian Jon Stewart, but there’s nothing funny about mess she’s in with Gen. David Petraeus.” Ugh.



What I really don’t get is how they haven’t played with the fact that the biography Broadwell wrote of Petraeus is called “All In”. Where’s the headline “Petraeus caught ‘All In’ Biographer’s vagina”? Here’s a coulple other potential headlines –


“Biographer Caught Fellating More Than Gen. Petraeus’ Ego!”

“General Petraeus Caught Redacting Paula Broadwell’s Classified Dossier!”

“C.I.A. Chief Resigns After Being Caught in Affair but That’s Okay Because Anybody Who Lets Their Emails Get Hacked So Easily Probably Shouldn’t be the Head of a Spy Agency.”

Creepiness in Advertising and Caption Contest!

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So a couple of weeks ago an Oregon court released the Boy Scouts of America’s “Perversion Files”. Turns out the Boy Scouts had binders full of pedophiles that worked for them and when they would find out about molestations they’d give it the ol’ Paterno/Catholic Church treatment and just not call the cops.



Of course the Boy Scouts are going to suffer a huge hit and some people would think that the organization should be shut down but the Boy Scouts of America will continue their mission and they’ve even rolled out a new ad campaign to boost membership!



RAPE VAN





Okay seriously I saw this van like a day after I heard about the whole “perversion files” thing. Let’s see what kind of captions I can do for this picture!



Learn to tie knots so tight that no boy could wriggle free from them!





Hi, I just moved in across the street and I’m required by the state of Minnesota that scouting rules! Also, I’m a pedophile.





Didn’t make the cut as a choir boy? Join the scouts!





Join the boy scouts! It’ll be our little secret…





Got a caption of your own for the creepy scout van? Leave it in the comments section! 1 lucky winner will receive a half eaten jar of peanut butter!


And Just What Was He Expecting?

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Gentlemen, listen up. This could save your life. No shit.

Here’s the full story: A guy by the handle of CappnPoopdeck posts a “rage comic” (note- I’m old an un-hip. I just don’t get rage comics) to Reddit. The comic, shown below, poorly drawn as all rage comics are (I think this is my issue with them. How lazy. Put a little pride into your art. Spend some time on it. Make it worth it. It just makes me so angry!!!) ANYWAY, the comic shows a guy finding a pregnancy test, pissing on it, and getting a positive result, to which he declares that he is pregnant.

Is he the father or the mother?

Ha ha. Funny funny. Everyone knows that dudes can’t get pregnant. That test is bogus, he’s not really pregnant, and what a good laugh.

Only, Reddit’s not laughing.

The post starts getting comments about how how a man getting a positive result on a pregnancy test could indicate that he has testicular cancer. What a pregnancy test measures is “human chorionic gonadotrophin” or “hCG.” This is a hormone given off by trophoblast cells that enable the embryo to attach itself to the uterus. Apparently, the cells that start testicular, uterine, and some forms of ovarian cancer are almost indistinguishable from trophoblast cells. This causes the hCG hormone to be produced, and therefore readable on a pregnancy test.

**We at YoungNotions would like to remind the reader that we are only doctors in the fake way people call themselves doctors and not in anyway capable of making diagnosiseses or giving out any kind of medical advice whatsoever. We would also like to state that a negative reading does not mean you don’t have cancer. If you are in doubt as to your medical condition, PLEASE go see a doctor. We like having readers.**

Science is fucking fascinating, kids.

Anyway, CappnPoopdeck had created the comic about his friend. He told his friend to get checked out, and the doctor discovered early testicular cancer that they were able to take care of the same day. CappnPoopdeck’s follow up comic is posted below.

Reddit saves lives.

On a completely unrelated note, I just bought stock in EPT.

YEEEEEEEEEESSSSSS!

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Last night was pretty awesome for me. Obama got reelected. Both the Marriage Amendment and the Voter I.D. Amendment were shot down, pretty much every republican who said awful things about rape this campaign were defeated, Donald Trump completely lost his shit on twitter and Josh Reimnitz won the District 4 Minneapolis School Board seat –



We’ve received like 2 dozen letters, door hangers, flyers etc. from this guy’s campaign. His website is super well done. I simply voted for him just because he put so much damn effort into his campaign.





All in all this election was a big win for me but there’s always a couple of things that didn’t go how I hoped –


BACHMANN FUCKING WON AGAIN



Seriously? That crazy bitch is fucking bulletproof. Two more years of her having legislative power. Two more years of her getting in front of TV cameras and talking about freedom for lightbulbs and God telling her to do shit. Granted, as a comedian I’m kind of relieved she’ll still be here to kick around but it’s too high a price to pay. I’d gladly give up all the low hanging fruit in the world to have her disappear from the public eye forever.


HOLY SHIT THEY ACTUALLY SHOT DOWN THAT MEASURE 5 THING IN NORTH DAKOTA



Remember that blog I did a couple of days ago about that wacky N.D. measure? It didn’t pass. By a huge margin. Turns out 67% of North Dakotans love strangling cats.



In spite of the minor WTF losses, I’m really optimistic about the next four years of Obama. Mainly because it will probably make Donald Trump literally go insane.



Seriously. Fuck that guy.

What Day Is It?

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I feel like there’s something I’m supposed to do today.

Hmmmmm……..

Maybe I’m missing something… I wish my friends would let me know.

What? I can call Chris Kluwe a friend. We hung out in a basement and played video games for charity. We’re like BFFs. No big deal.

If only I had some clue… something to tip me off…

Make sure to read Chris’ post in there. It’s nerd-perfect.

Okay, fine. Yes, it’s voting day. There wasn’t a moment that I didn’t know that today, because this morning, Bill woke me up with “work told us to go vote first and then we will start our workday do you wanna come vote with me huh do ya” like a little kid on Christmas morning. My original plan was to go at 2 in the afternoon because that’s when no one else will be there, but he was just so goddamned excited over this I had to say yes.

So we woke up the boy, and brought him with us to go vote. We all stood in line. Bill and I signed a piece of paper and were given tickets. We went to the next table and were told how to fill out our ballots. We went to the NEXT table and got our ballots. We sat down at a table and filled out our ballots. Then we turned in our ballots and got our stickers.

I did it all for the sticker.

Democracy, bitches.

At just about every table, people asked jokingly if Jared was voting. Honestly, it’s gotta be so dull in there, with all these serious people people being very serious about their serious duties to seriously make the serious choices. Seriously. Jokes (and the Youngs provided a couple) were probably the best “thank you” we could have given them.

When I went to vote, Jared sat next to me and I pointed out various parts of the ballot. I told him not to share, as privacy during voting is very important. We talked afterward why not voting on an amendment counts as a no. We talked about how you could bring a list of who you were going to vote for. And we talked about how important it is to vote.

It sounds like I did voting correctly, right? Like ours is pretty much the example of how you should vote? As a family, teach the next generation as I go? Proud to be participating in the greatness that is our electoral process?

Dead wrong, kids. Once I got back, I hopped on Facebook, and had this conversation with master voter Chris Olsen:

High five!

Kids, if you haven’t voted yet, please, PLEASE promise me you’ll take joy in it. We all get so jaded and so serious and so stuffy over our duty, but remember the fact that we have the right is FUCKING AWESOME! That we don’t live in a dictatorship, that no one is pointing guns at us, forcing us to “vote” for a specific person. The fact that we get to have a say in WHO is leading our country… It’s one of the best parts of being an American! We should be voting with glee!

And we should totally be going out for ice cream after. Who doesn’t like ice cream?

Communists, that’s who. Don’t be a commie. Eat ice cream!

This is not a Political Post

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Really. It isn’t. I promised I wouldn’t make any more political posts until the election is over and I’m sticking to that. This isn’t about politics.



Okay, it’s kinda political but it’s about North Dakota. I don’t think talking politics counts if it’s North Dakota. Here’s what happened.



Last weekend I went up to Bismarck, ND to tell some jokes with Mike Brody. As we drove down Interstate 94 further and further away from the cities we saw fewer and fewer lawn signs and billboards telling us what to vote for. Instead, we saw more and more hand-painted signs with clever little slogans like “WORST PRESIDENT EVER! SAY NO TO SOCIALISM!” or “REAL MEN VOTE YES. SO DO SMART AND PRETTY LADIES!” (actual sign on 94 by Fergus Falls). As we crossed the border to ND, we started seeing hand painted political signs against “5”. The first one we saw said “Don’t hurt hunters and farmers! NO on 5!”



Well, shit. I don’t know who’s hurting all these hunters and farmers but I hope they beat this “5” thing and leave the poor guys alone.



The second sign we saw said “Stop outside special interests! Vote no on 5!”



So it’s outside special interests coming to hurt hunters and farmers? Somebody needs to stop them! These poor hunters and farmers are getting hurt by outside special interests! If I could, I’d have voted no on 5 right there on the spot. Hunters and farmers are people, too!



When I was home last night I remembered all the “no on 5” signs in ND so I decided to look up what that bill was all about. Was it a law that, if passed, allowed outside special interests to come in and punch hunters and farmers? Who knows?



Turns out it’s a measure that, if passed, will make it a felony to torture dogs, cats and horses.



Seriously. Here’s the official ballot measure courtesy of ballotpedia –

Initiated Statutory Measure No. 5
This initiated statutory measure would create section 36-21.1-02.1 of the North Dakota Century Code. This measure would make it a class C felony for an individual to maliciously and intentionally burn, poison, crush, suffocate, impale, drown, blind, skin, beat to death, drag to death, exsanguinate, disembowel, or dismember any living dog, cat or horse and provide a court with certain sentencing options. The measure would not apply to production agriculture, or to lawful activities of hunters and trappers, licensed veterinarians, scientific researchers, or to individuals engaged in lawful defense of life or property.

YES — means you approve the measure summarized above.
NO — means you reject the measure summarized above.



Okay. How the shit does this hurt hunters and farmers?



Seriously. Have I been Pheasant hunting the wrong way all these years? I mean, I’ve shot a few birds but I haven’t beaten any cats to death or exanguinated any horses. They never covered horse exanguination in our gun safety class.



Also, how does this hurt farmers? Exactly how many dogs do you have to impale to grow an acre of corn?



There’s a ton of exemptions for all this written into the measure, too! If this measure passes you can still drag a cat to death if you’re a licensed veterinarian or scientist. You can still blind a horse if you can prove he wanted to kill you.

It’s not just a few farmers off of 94 that feel this way, either. North Dakota seems pretty split down the middle on whether it’s within your rights to disembowel a dog for no reason.



Granted, it seems some of the opposition comes from the fact that the bill is limited in scope and does nothing to prevent the most common forms of animal abuse seen in the state. Which sort of makes sense I guess but “it’s not good enough” shouldn’t invoke such vehement opposition. The other big sticking point with the “vote no” crowd is that a lot of the financial support for this bill is coming from the Humane Society of the United States (the “outside special interest group”). To get a better idea of why people oppose this, you can either read this article detailing farmer’s concerns or just check out this comment from a blog post criticizing measure 5 –

mony • 13 days ago −
Im born and raised north dakotan hillbilly broke horses raise cattle chickens goats aint never done nothin wrong this measure was NOT wrote here some dumbass veggie lovin ass did it wake up nd all animals are equql not just the horses cats n dogs vote no and say yes when they can protect ALL farm critters i hunt and trap and there is nothin inhumane about it like i said wake up nd and if u aint from here dont vote this year u city crybaby jerk



Man, I thought politics in this state were fucked up…

Protect Hunters and Farmers! Because… horses…. uh….

Jena Does a Political Post

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Bill said he was done doing political posts. I haven’t made one yet… not my thing. I’m not nearly the die hard Democrat he is. Hell, I’m not a Democrat. And no, that doesn’t make me a Republican. I just don’t really feel that the views of either of those political parties match mine enough to where I’m willing to ascribe myself to it.

Which makes it really hard to get riled up over what one party is doing vs another. I’m just constantly angry at everyone

I suppose I’m probably more libertarian than anything, only Ayn Rand makes me want to vomit. Oh sure- there are a couple of good ideas in there about owning your responsibility and going out and doing, but her views on the rest of humanity make me want to puke until all of the bile is out of my body so I don’t have to taste it anymore when her name comes up.

Really, politics just make me tired and cranky. They make me want to tear my hair and cry. Like a 4 year old. Like THIS 4 year old:

[youtube=http://youtu.be/kj5bmcBSQyM]

Well played, little girl.

Craigslist Job Ad Response #2537ohwhoreallyfuckingknowsanymore: Script Writers for Training Video.

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It’s that time again, kids! I find one of the three jobs listings in the creative section of Craigslist that isn’t “shove this in your vagina on a webcam” job and submit a totally earnest response to that job listing. Today’s job is Script Writers for Training Videos (Minnesota)


Looking for freelance writers with technical writing skills but also a creative edge. Need to be able to research and write clear and interesting scripts on Safety and Human Resource topics for employee training.

Safety topics range from behavioral and awareness issues such as taking risks or shortcuts to more technical training such as operating equipment such as forklifts.
Human Resource topics range from Harassment, Diversity, Teamwork, Motivation, Customer service and more.

Scripts will be for training videos and also interactive web courses.

We’re looking for writers with a proven track record in this type of script work.

Send relevant samples only. Thank you.
Location: Minnesota
Compensation: Per Project
This is a contract job.
Principals only. Recruiters, please don’t contact this job poster.
Please, no phone calls about this job!
Please do not contact job poster about other services, products or commercial interests.



Send a relevant sample? Well, I’ve never written a safety video script but I’m willing to give it a shot. Here goes! –


(Ext. cemetery. Fade in to a funeral. “Amazing Grace” is being played on the bagpipes as 20 people all clad in black stand over a grave site as a PRIEST reads. Zoom into a three shot of PRIEST, JESSICA and ROB. JESSICA is sobbing and ROB has his head bowed in prayer.)

PRIEST: Now, before we leave, the deceased’s coworker and friend would like to say something. Robert?

(ROB approaches head of grave)

ROB: Thank you. I was with Bruce the moment he passed. Now, I ain’t normally they type to talk in front of crowds but damn it, Bruce used his last dying breath to make sure I’d pass this on so it may not be important to you but it was important to him and it’s important to me. (a single tear runs down ROB’s cheek.) Forklift safety is no laughing matter. It all started when we were finishing our break at the warehouse.

(Flashback. Cut to Int. FW Industries warehouse. Rob and Bruce are finishing up a coffee break.)

BRUCE: …so I gave the homeless man my lunch instead. I didn’t have any cash on me anyway since I just spent all my money on this.

(BRUCE opens a ring box to show a diamond engagement ring)

ROB: So you’re finally going to ask Jessica? I’m so happy for you guys!

BRUCE: Yeah, it took me a while to save up for this but I’m not working at a nonprofit for the huge paycheck, right? Alright, we should get back to work. These boxes full of puppies won’t ship themselves to orphans.

(BRUCE hops into forklift that’s holding several stacked boxes labeled “puppies”)

ROB: Hey, Bruce. You sure you should stack that many boxes on the fork? Looks like your visibility might be impaired.

BRUCE: Don’t worry about it, buddy. How many times have I driven this thing? All I have to do is get it around those barrels then it’s just 50 feet to the truck.

(Cut to close up of stack of barrels. Each one is marked “flammable”. Cut to close up of box of puppies. One of the puppies stickes their head out of the box and whines.)

ROB: If you say so, but you should really just drive the forklift backwards if you’re load is obstructing your view.

BRUCE: (starts driving forward). Sorry, buddy. We’re running behind! Besides, I’ll just get out of the seat and lean to the side to see what’s in front of me.

(BRUCE leans out the left side of the forklift only to see the barrels right in front of him. He swerves left to avoid them and begins to tip)

ROB: Bruce! Your center of gravity changes when you try to operate the forklift from any place but the seat!

(the forklift tips on two wheels and swerves wildly, knocking over the stack of barrels and falling to the side, pinning BRUCE’s legs under it. One of the barrels ruptures as it hits the ground, spilling gallons of flammable liquid all over the floor. The liquid slowly spreads on the floor to an electrical cord laying on the ground with a frayed, exposed end. The cord shorts and a spark ignites the liquid, quickly spreading back to the other barrels which immediately explode. Boxes of flaming puppies are sent flying. Their yelps of pain ringing through the walls of the burning warehouse. ROB runs to BRUCE and douses the flames with an OSHA approved fire extinguisher. He frantically tries to lift the forklift off of BRUCE’s charred body but it’s no use.)

BRUCE: (coughs) Rob… come here… I don’t have long.

(ROB falls to his knees next to BRUCE)

ROB: Bruce! Hang in there! I already called 911 since that’s the first thing you should do in an emergency like this!

BRUCE: Thanks, but I don’t… think it’s gonna… do me much good. (BRUCE turns his head and points to a giant metal spike sticking out of the back of his skull). Wasn’t… wearing my hardhat.

ROB: Oh, God.

BRUCE: (grabs ROB by the collar, blood trickling out of the corner of his mouth). Rob! Listen! Tell everybody… Make sure they don’t make the same mistakes as me. Please! Pleaa…

(BRUCE’s grip on ROB’s collar goes limp as BRUCE’s eyes roll in the back of his head. Fade out.)

(Cut back to cemetery.)

ROB: And that’s why, for this man’s memory, for his fiancee, for their unborn child and for your own sake, everybody needs to know these things. When operating a forklift, make sure you have a clear line of sight when driving. If your load obstructs your vision, operate the forklift in reverse. Never try to operate the forklift in any place except the driver’s seat and always wear your hardhat.

(Closeup of the closed casket in the ground. Fade out as a shovelful of dirt falls on it and a 21 gun salute is fired).

Fearless! Well, Maybe a Little Fear…

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This morning, Jared got a glass sliver in his foot.

It’s not the most surprising thing in the world. The boys break glasses ALL THE TIME. Like, in the past 5 years, I’ve broken one glass. And yet, I’m missing about twelve glasses (don’t even get me started on plates). And the frequency has only increased since it’s become Jared’s chore to do the dishes. Add to that, I’m not always around to clean up the glass. I have had one of the guys sweeps an area, proclaim it clean, and then I go over it afterwards and still find chunks of glass I can pick up with my hand, let alone the glitter of tiny glass shards all over. If I’m not there to clean it again 5 times, the house looks like this:

“All clean!”

My child was walking around our apparently dangerous floor, barefoot and on the balls of his feet, when the sliver of glass struck. He cried out, hobbled over to a chair where he grabbed his foot and saw about 3 mm (metric, bitches) of blood covered something sticking out. I came around the corner, and my child said “don’t touch my foot!”

Uh huh.

I come over to investigate, and Jared says “if you give me tweezers, I’ll get it out myself.” He seems calm at this point, and if he can get it out himself, it should build confidence. Plus, any time I get within 3 feet of him, he screams “don’t touch my foot!” like an over-sensitive car alarm for a podiatrist. I hunt down the tweezers, and hand them to him.

And then a pause.

And then he starts crying. The idea that it’s going to hurt has him in tears over the pain HE HASN’T EVEN EXPERIENCED YET. He is so afraid of the possible pain he can’t bring himself to bring the tweezers to his foot. He keeps saying things like “my brain tells my hand to move to my foot, but my hand won’t do it.” I offer to do it for him, and he gets a horrified look on his face like I offered to punch him in the gut and steal his stuffed animal.

Yes, my pre-teen has a security stuffed bunny, and if you say anything about it I’ll punch you in the gut and steal your gun, your door lock, or your savings account. We all have our things that make us feel secure. At least his comes in adorable cuddle form.

OH! *Now* I get A.I.

So Jared and I go back and forth, him saying he’ll do it, then bursting into tears. Me offering to help, and him giving his own mother horrified looks. About 15 minutes into this, I tell him he has to get it done in 10 minutes, or I’m going to do it.

He hands me the tweezers, and covers his foot with his hands. I mention to him that I can’t get to his foot, and he says that he wants to be ready. I suggest that he can’t hold onto his bunny that way, and he gives me a look that says “Don’t be a bitch.”

He eventually moves his hands to his bunny, and I move in. And then he drops his bunny to cover his foot, casting his most beloved item to the floor, bawling his eyes out and saying IT HURTS. And I still haven’t even touched his foot.

This type of behaviour happened for another half an hour. I finally had him sitting on his hands, his bunny tucked under an arm, looking away. I had slowly inched myself closer and closer. He screamed when I went in, and then 2 seconds later: …that was it?

Yes my son. All that crying and tears and anguish, and it was 2 non-painful seconds.

My son and I had a talk after that about the difference between being courageous and being fearless. Courage is doing something even though you’re afraid. It takes bravery, and telling your body to do things it wouldn’t normally. Fearless is the absence of fear. It’s not having that fear at all. By doing courageous things, you can get to a point of being fearless.

My son picked up on the connection right away. You see, I’m the marketing director and a founding member with a very courageous group of people putting together a comedy production company. The company is a collaboration of partner groups, many of whom already do offensive and risky comedy, to produce and encourage the production of comedy that takes chances. That “pushes buttons and pushes boundaries.” Comedy that is Fearless.

Oh, that’s the name of the company, by the way. Fearless Comedy Productions. In fact, when I say that some awesome comedy partners are collaborating with Fearless, YoungNotions is one of them. See the button in the upper right? Go there. I mean, right now it’s the countdown to the website that will launch in a couple days and a list of partners. But check it out, and check out the other partners, and check out our facebook page at www.facebook.com/FearlessComedyProductions and follow us on Twitter @FearlessComedy.

Come on! Do it! Don’t be afraid… it’s not like I’m trying to take a sliver of glass out of your foot.

The Crazy Shit You Weirdos Type Into Search Engines: Season Two Starts… Now!

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Damn, kids! Since I made that promise yesterday to stay away from political rants (and we all know promises made on the internet cannot be broken), I thought I’d use this time to take a look at what people are googling to get to this site as I have many times before.


“Bagel Heads” or “Japanese Bagel Heads”
This one isn’t actually that strange, since the wife did a post about the weird Japanese fashion fad but the sheer volume of searches is puzzling. Nearly 400 people in the last month came to this site looking for Japanese Bagel Heads or some disambiguation. Did Jena break that story? Is she a journalist now?



Why do People Hate 8 Crazy Nights so Much?
Because it’s the worst movie of all time ever. That’s why.



Frat Beer Bong In
I’m pretty sure they were searching for this story. Either they were too timid to type “butthole” or google autocomplete did it for them.



Catapult Illegal Aliens
Wha… What?



How to get my grandma to have sex with me
I think this one is officially the grossest search engine term we’ve had here and this is coming from a blog that get’s a half dozen search hits for “food blowjob” every week. I don’t even know what post that search led to. The worst part is now that I’ve actually typed it on the blog we’re going to get even more search engine hits and now I’ll have to start giving advise on how to seduce your grandmother just to sustain readership.



You’re all terrible, awful people.