Category Archives: Uncategorized

Pretty Girls in Trouble

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I haven’t followed this Jodi Arias trial at all.



I’m not trying to sound superior or anything when I say that. My favorite forms of entertainment are cartoons, kung fu movies and anything zombie related so I can’t really pass judgment on what other people watch. True crime drama just doesn’t do it for me. That’s all.



Thankfully, cnn.com has posted an article for people like me who have missed the nonstop, 24 hour, meticulous, all encompassing coverage of the trial. Just like every other trial by media in the last few years, it’s pretty much come to the conclusion that she’s guilty while trying vainly to seem unbiased. Also, like every trial by media in the last few years, it’s involved a pretty white girl –



Damn. I'd let her stab me 27 times and shove me in a shower stall IFYOUKNOWWHATI'MSAYIN!

Damn. I’d let her stab me 27 times and shove me in a shower stall IFYOUKNOWWHATI’MSAYIN!





Before Jodi Arias it was Casey Anthony –



I'd let her drown me in a swimming pool IFYOUKNOWWHATI'MSAYING

I’d let her drown me in a swimming pool IFYOUKNOWWHATI’MSAYING





Before that (and I guess it’s in the news again for some reason) was the Amanda Knox trial –



I'd let her stab me in the throat in my apartment in Italy IFYOUKNOWWHATI'MSAYIN!

I’d let her stab me in the throat in my apartment in Italy IFYOUKNOWWHATI’MSAYIN!





Think about it. Would everybody care nearly as much if these girls weren’t seriously hot? I think this country just likes seeing a pretty white girl get raked through the coals every once in a while. Don’t get me wrong, the crimes they’re accused of are really fucked up and, at least for Knox and Arias, there’s a bunch of weird sexual intrigue going on but there’s plenty of weird sex crimes going on all the time in this country and we don’t look at them twice. For example –



Dawn Peel awoke her boyfriend with a kiss one late night in October and asked him “do you love me?” He said “yes” and then she started sawing at his throat with a fucking chef’s knife. She apparently thought he was cheating on her and was living up to an earlier promise to get revenge on him in his sleep.



This story didn’t make it past a couple city pages articles though. Was it because the victim survived the attack or was it because she looked like this –



dawn peel



She doesn’t look that bad for 50, I just doubt she’s going to get any offers from Vivid once she gets out of prison.


Fuck Off Friday: Blasphemy

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I am a Christian, and most people would say I am smarter than you.

I don’t mean that I know more than you do, or that I actually have more intelligence, or that I put it into practice more often. I probably don’t even make better decisions than you. One time, I did drunk DDR with a guy who managed to break both of his legs within the same year in two fairly non-leg breaking activities. And I plan to repeat the activity. I guarantee you that you make better decisions than I do.

No, what I mean is that my IQ is probably higher. Which is a silly thing to judge a person on, but it happens all the time… that fucking number. It means dick-all. I tell my son repeatedly that it doesn’t matter how smart you are, or what you’re capable of. What matters is what you do with those abilities.

But so many people put stock in that number. If I told you what it was, you’d be all “shit, son! You’se smart.” And I wouldn’t even correct your grammar, because that’s a dick thing to do.

I bring up intelligence because it comes up ALL THE TIME around me. There is a stereotype that Christians are dumb. I have been told point blank that I am stupid because I choose to believe in a God. I’ve been told that I’m too smart to be a Christian. There’s a pervasive idea that people have to choose to either accept God or accept science. That the two can’t exist in the same space, and the idea is promoted by activists on both sides of the divide, which wouldn’t exist at all if people didn’t keep creating the damned thing. The concept does a disservice to both.

It is illogical to have a faith, therefore the person with faith must be illogical. Now, I will agree that faith is an illogical thing. If I applied logic to my faith, 2 things would happen. First, I wouldn’t be a Christian. It’s probably the most ridiculous of all the beliefs still practiced, the idea that the son of God was killed and then came back to life. WHAT ABOUT DECAY? He wasn’t even a zombie. Second, if I applied logic to faith, IT WOULDN’T BE FAITH!!!

I bring up all of this because today’s theme for Fuck Off Friday is Blasphemy. I was wandering the internet, and I stumbled across jesuschristarcade.com, and my first thought was not OMG THOSE HEATHEN FREAKS ARE ALL GOING TO HELL. No, it was “huh, I wonder if it’s Jesus bashing or satire.”

And the lovely answer is that though there are bits of both on this site, but mostly, it’s just Jesus themed silliness. Though I disagree with Jesus having to dodge science books to shoot down airplanes taken over by terrorists with laser beams that shoot out of his eyes before the world trade center collapse, my major complaint is that the science books perpetuate a stereotype. And it’s an issue because it’s the one *I* have to deal with all the time.

But fuck is Super Jesus fun.

Another favorite Jesus flash game is Run Jesus Run: aka the 10 second gospel you have 10 seconds to beat the game by moving with arrows and clicking the spacebar to “do Jesus things.”

Flash games not your thing? There’s a LOL Jesus meme out there. I went to Know Your Meme to get the best ones. Click the image to go to that page and browse the blasphemous goodness:

a79

And to close on a high note, Adam and Eve in Epic Rap Battles of History:

I hope you all have a good Friday. Not a Religious Good Friday. Just a pleasant closing to the week.

I’m Afraid to go Outside Right Now.

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Yesterday I heard repeatedly on the radio about how we’re going to get 3-7 inches of snow. How the morning commute was going to be shit. Meteorologists kept going on about this freak May snowstorm that was going to blanket the Twin Cities with a thick, heavy slush overnight.



This morning I turn my computer on and find out that it was worse than predicted. As much as 13 inches have been dumped as far south as Rochester and as far north as Brainerd.



I look outside and not a drop or flake is on the ground.



…what?



There… was a snowstorm, right? I get that meteorologists can fuck up their predictions sometimes but the news said there was snow!



Here’s a map with the three cities listed in the beginning of the article I linked. Minneapolis is right in the middle of that –



How...

How…





Apparently there’s snow all around me but there’s no snow in Minneapolis. Don’t get me wrong, I’m glad there’s no snow but now I’m just scared that it’s waiting for me out there. Like, the second I get outside the snow’s all going to fall down in one clump like a cartoon and then the tow truck drivers come and tow my car for snow emergency because they’re a bunch of evil Satan-worshipping wizards!



…I’m putting on a jacket just to be safe.

Jerking Off for Awareness and Other Charitable Acts.

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Many of you know that I participate in several charity events throughout the year. I do several charity walks (listed on the side bar of jenayoung.com) My next one is this Sunday with my son’s stepmother who has effectively gone deaf due to MS. If you’d like to donate, you may do so at http://tinyurl.com/JenaMS. I’d really appreciate it, as I haven’t managed to raise any money for this one yet.

My son and I at the 2010 AIDS walk.

My son and I at the 2010 AIDS walk.

For most people, all that walking sounds like a lot of effort. It’s not really. But I always get people that say things like “Gross. Is there charity work I can do that’s more fun?” Well, you can’t, but I can.

I also help organize and participate in a couple of gaming marathons with High Charity. The money from the gaming marathons goes directly to Child’s Play Charity, and organization that puts gaming consoles in the rooms of hospitals with long term care children. Playing video games helps bring a bit of normalcy into an environment that is often cold and stale and scary. Our next marathon is a Masocore Marathon over Memorial Day Weekend, where we play difficult and frustrating games. You should watch us at highcharity.org and give us money for doing stupid things.

But still, for some people, that’s just too much. “An entire weekend of gaming? Gross. Is there a Lazy-a-Thon or something I can do?”

    How about a Float-a-Thon to raise money for Ronald McDonald house?

    A Review-a-Thon, where you post as many reviews on Amazon as you can.

    And yes, there is an actual Laz-a-Thon, where every dollar donated is another minute the participants don’t do anything.

But as good as all this sounds, I think my all time favorite that I happened to stumble across this morning is the Masturbate-a-Thon. A marathon of masturbation to raise awareness for, well, masturbation. The goal is to put jerking off, rubbing one out, and wanking in a positive light. It’s produced by the Center for Sex and Culture, and I can’t tell you how tickled I am that there is one. They’ve done streaming and such in the past, though I can’t find anything on the event past 2011.

I guess they just tired themselves out.

Union Free Twinkies

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Okay, guys. I know that Jason Collins came out of the closet and that’s groundbreaking and a huge deal but we need to talk about something important. Snack cakes.



It seems as if Hostess will be hitting the shelves again pretty soon. I found out from this image that’s been floating around facebook the last couple of days –



from the facebook post: "Twinkies are back! (At least they will be by July.) Two companies have purchased the Hostess assets and will reopen four plants and hire 1,500 workers – and all of this will be done union free!! LIKE if you will buy a union free Twinkie to celebrate!"

from the facebook post: “Twinkies are back! (At least they will be by July.) Two companies have purchased the Hostess assets and will reopen four plants and hire 1,500 workers – and all of this will be done union free!! LIKE if you will buy a union free Twinkie to celebrate!”





This little gem came from the facebook group ForAmerica, the offical page of foramerica.org. foramerica.org is a nonprofit started by conservative pundit L. Brent Bozell III to serve the dual purpose of trying to repeal Obamacare via the use of memes –



*the viewpoints of foramerica.org do not necessarily reflect those of Tardar Sauce, aka Grumpy Cat.

*the viewpoints of foramerica.org do not necessarily reflect those of Tardar Sauce, aka Grumpy Cat.





and sucking the GOP’s dick through creepy fanfic –



This could totally be the beginning of a Republican porno. "Trickle Down Her Back"

This could totally be the beginning of a Republican porno. “Trickle Down Her Back”





Also their website has a freedom meter. I don’t even know what that’s about –



maybe it's like a scientology e-meter. You grab onto a couple of metal rods and somebody asks you a bunch of questions about eagles and fireworks or something.

maybe it’s like a scientology e-meter. You grab onto a couple of metal rods and somebody asks you a bunch of questions about eagles and fireworks or something.





Whatever. I’m not going to try to explain to them why unions didn’t cause the collapse of Hostess to these douchebags. Plenty of people have tried on the comment thread of the pic and failed. I will, however, say this. I don’t care that Hostess is coming back.



Turns out America didn’t collapse with the absence of Hostess. Sure, Batman had to work a little harder to get away from mummies but other than that I think we did alright as a country in the last few months –



Batman's been slipping ever since he found out he can bribe most villains with sweets.

Batman’s been slipping ever since he found out he can bribe most villains with sweets.





So sorry, ForAmerica. I think I’ll pass on the union free twinkies. I’m trying to cut back on sweets and bullshit union demonizing. Besides. If I really want some packed with chemicals and lard sponge cake Little Debbie has been my dealer since Hostess closed anyway.



OK so they're not union either but all employees are shareholders and Swiss Cake Rolls are better than Ho Hos anyway.

OK so they’re not union either but all employees are shareholders and Swiss Cake Rolls are better than Ho Hos anyway.

FINGERNAILS

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Okay. Resolution Monday time. Let’s talk about nail biting.



When I originally decided to throw this one on my list of new year’s resolutions I figured it would be a slam dunk. It’s honestly not that big of a problem but I thought it would be one that would be easy to solve. After almost five months it turns out I’m having an easier time keeping off booze than I am keeping my fingernails out of my mouth.



It’d be so easy just to give up but I’m going to stick this out. Let’s see what options I have to help tackle this nail biting problem of mine.



HYPNOSIS
Pro: Could help me stop biting my nails through hypnotic suggestion.

Con: Once hypnotist has opened my subconscious for suggestion they can program me to do anything they want. Rob banks for them, assassinate their enemies. I’d be their helpless puppet.



WRAPPING HANDS IN TAPE
Pro: Wouldn’t be able to bite nails due to hands being wrapped in tape. If enough tape was wrapped around hands, could use them as a wrecking ball like some shitty comic book villain.

Con: Would need help going to the bathroom. Also would need help doing anything else in life that requires hands.



SETTING HANDS ON FIRE
Pro: Couldn’t bite nails due to hands constantly being on fire. Save on electricity since every room I’d walk into would already have two small fires burning. Light people’s cigarettes for them. Look incredibly badass.



Cons: I see absolutely no cons to my hands constantly being on fire.



Looks like I might be onto something here. I’ll try this out and get back to you guys if there are any downsides.

Fuck Off Friday: Google It!

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I once watched a little promo thing about the Google offices where a dude sped by on a scooter and people had sushi for lunch. Bean bag chairs and bright colors. A cool, fun office place making work seem more like play.

Google

With limited to no lead in, I give you these phrases to type into google:
“define anagram”
“do a barrel roll”
“tilt”
“zerg rush”
“binary”
“recursion”

Do you use Google calculator? Try to find these:
“the answer to life, the universe, and everything”
“a bakers dozen”
“the loneliest number”

In google maps:
Search for walking directions from China to Japan.
Search for directions from The Shire to Mordor.
SEarch for directions from America to Japan
Search for directions from United States to United Kingdom.

Want more fun time wasters with Google? GOOGLE IT!

New Camera!

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A couple weeks ago I won a digital camera at my work in a prize drawing!



I took the picture with my phone!

I took the picture with my phone!





This is pretty exciting for two reasons. 1: I never win anything in prize drawings or raffles. 2: I’ve never owned a digital camera. Well, except for the one on my last four phones, my ipod and my laptop. This is different, though! This is just a camera! This will probably take much better quality pictures and when I walk around with a fancy looking camera slung around my neck people will stop and say “ooh, is that a professional photographer? We should hire him to take photos of our all-girl pillow fight sessions!”



Okay. Let’s crack this open and see what we’ve got.



Okay. Warranty info, ad for an online photo storage/sharing service nobody will ever use and some cords. Pretty standard.

Okay. Warranty info, ad for an online photo storage/sharing service nobody will ever use and some cords. Pretty standard.





Instruction booklet.

Instruction booklet.





Jesus. This thing's like 200 pages.

Jesus. This thing’s like 200 pages.





Install disk, check.

Install disk, check.





Jesus. Another install disk?

Jesus. Another install disk?





More fucking cords? This box is like a goddamn clown car.

More fucking cords? This box is like a goddamn clown car.





Finally!

Finally!





Christ. This almost seems like it ain’t worth the effort. I may as well just keep taking pictures of stupid stuff I see at gas stations with my phone.

Wait… Gay Marriage Wasn’t Already Mandatory in France?

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Here’s a thing I just found out that really surprised me. Gay marriage was just legalized in France this week. What surprised me about it was not the fact that the gay marriage bill passed but that it was really fiercely debated. There were protests, riots, police and tear gas. Shit was crazy –



Sacre Bleu! Photo credit: Philippe Wojazer / Reuters

Sacre Bleu! Photo credit: Philippe Wojazer / Reuters





I can’t believe there was such fierce opposition to gay marriage in France because… well… it’s France.



This is fucking France we’re talking about. It’s the San Francisco of Europe. This is the country that’s known for wine, mimes and sexual permissiveness. Their biggest exports are turtlenecks and pencil thin mustaches. How could France not be in full support of gay marriage? It’s France! Their capital city is known as gay Paris! Even the people protesting gay rights there look super gay while they’re doing it!



I checked three times. This is an ANTI gay protest. Photo credit: Kenzo/AFP/Getty Images

I checked three times. This is an ANTI gay protest. Photo credit: Kenzo/AFP/Getty Images





This is the country that brought us the goddamn beret and they’re protesting gay marriage?

Protests or no, France’s gay citizens, which until recently I thought was all of them, can now enjoy the same rights as heterosexuals.

SEX.

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Bill does those blog posts about what search results get people to this blog. I decided to take a look at what it is that people are looking for when they come to YoungNotions.com.

Sex. Lots and lots of sex. All the sex.

Here is a short sample of sex related search terms in the past few months, linking back to the blog post that I think got the searcher to our comedy blog.

home sex 117
home sex video 7
sexvideo 5
sex home video 3
sex video 3
homesex 2
home sex. 2

Turtle Home Sex Video

Can you guys imagine what it’s like to be looking for some good old amatuer home sex videos, dick in your hand already half hard, and instead find turtles humping shoes? This makes me giggle every time.

canada porn 12
canadian mountie porn 6
canadian porn 5
exxxtacy video thunder bay 3
süper porn canada 1
canada pick up porn 1
dudley do-her-right porn 1
june with big tits and christian canada porno 1

Canadian Porn

I’ve always wondered how Canadian porn was different than US porn. With their healthcare system, probably less STDs.

sexy sex blog 5
sexysexblog 3
sexy talk blog 3
phone talk sexily 2
sexysex.blogspot 2
sexypeaple sex 1

Sexy Sex Blog: Where Sexy People Talk Sexily About Sex

If you haven’t read this yet, go do it now. Also? 8 more years til I get to consummate my marriage!

kids fuck 9
kid fuck 1
chideren fuck.com/ 1
“kids fuck ” 1

Hey Kids! Fuck You!

Not child porn in the least. Those poor, disappointed pedophiles.

toe socks sex 8
porn with socks on both people 3
sex in toe sock 2
toe’s sock porn 1

The Things You Weirdos Type Into Search Engines Volume 473: Toe Sock Sex

This one is a blog post about how there are search engine results about toe sock sex, with a nice little love story thrown in. On the plus side, if we generate enough interest, we might be able to start a Fetishist dating website and really start raking in the dough.

food blowjob 2
blowjob contest 2
blowjob for food 1
stand-up blow job contest 1

Ames Straw Poll / Food Blowjob Contest

Because sometimes Bill goes for the low-hanging corndog.

young porn 2
porn..young 1
young sex blog 2
oh bill porn 2

THE WEBSITE ITSELF.

Look, when we decided to create a comedy site, we used our name because we’re narcissistic. We blog about sex and porn because, well, let’s face it… sex is funny. Often, it’s two people trying not to be awkward and failing horribly. It’s the kid in high school trying to be smooth and then tripping over nothing, only naked, with all his floppy bits out there. How is that not funny?

Unless you're having sex hanging upside down in nature and stuff. THEN maybe you're a cool and smooth as you think you are.

Unless you’re having sex hanging upside down in nature and stuff. THEN maybe you’re a cool and smooth as you think you are.

Our society has these weird ideals that we should all be awesome in the sack. Absolutely top-notch players, without ever having the experience to do so. As a woman, there’s a level of being good at sex, being able to “please a man” without every having pleased any man prior. Every guy should be your first guy. Men might be allowed to be studs and get practice, but come on- let’s face it- every sexual encounter is different. Not just with each individual, but each encounter with even the same person over a lifetime. Not all of them are going to be great. Sometimes, your vagina is going to make farting noises while he slips and bonks you on the head. And sometimes, when it gets really intense, and you’re both taking the whole thing way too seriously… sometimes the best thing you can do is lean into your lover’s ear and whisper “Margaret Thatcher NAKED” and burst into giggles.

By the way, “Margaret Thatcher naked” was a search engine term. Try to get *that* one out of your head.

You’re welcome.