Author Archives: Jena

Eat a Dick

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Warning: if you are squeamish reading about genitalia or cannibalism, this post is not for you.

You read the warning correctly, and you, our smart readers, have surmised correctly. There is a person in Japan who was born with cock and balls, but is not a man (OR a woman). They do not identify sexually in any way, be it gender or romantically. And they had their man bits removed.

So far, so good. Gender “reassignment” (quotes because the word isn’t really a perfect representation… it can sound like reassigning the identity a person is born with, not just the sex parts) happens all the time, and the surgery that goes along with it. Totally normal practice with nothing to be ashamed over, even though a lot of people shame the practice out of misunderstanding of what it means to be transgender.

In fact, lets do this really quickly. The beginners guide to sex and gender.

For the sake of ease in understanding complex terms, I’m going to divide “sex” into two categories. Sexual orientation is the term to describe what gender you are attracted to. Heterosexuals like the opposite sex exclusively or almost exclusively. Homosexuals like the same sex exclusively or near exclusively. Bisexuals like both men and women. Pansexuals are attracted to people, man, woman, and everything in between (it tends to be more “personality” with pans). Asexual is usually a sexual orientation term for not being sexually attracted to anyone, being a non-sexual person.

Gender identity is what gender you are. Not the bits you are born with, but who you are as a person. Transsexual people identify as the gender opposite that of their birth parts. This is not the same as a transvestite, a person who is more comfortable in the clothing of the opposite gender. And this is not the same thing as a person dressing in drag for performance or entertainment. Bi-gender means that the person is sometimes a woman, and sometimes a man. Androgyny is often used to describe either a “beyond gender” or a non-gender identity.

This can be a tricky concept for a person who was born with the right bits to match their gender identity. For instance, I am a woman. I am female, I’ve always been female, and I happened to be born with a uterus and able to give birth and no one has ever questioned my gender identity as female.

That’s not entirely true. I can be pretty *dude* sometimes, and someone once tried to label me as bi-gender. But when I check in with the core of me, I’m a woman. Not an inch of dude in me. -insert sex joke here-

Point is, sometimes people are born with different bits than they should have, and they go through surgery to get that fixed. I know if I woke up with a penis tomorrow, I’d go get that awkward growth removed. Well, after trying that whole “peeing standing up” thing the guys keep talking about.

Mao Sugiyama from Japan identifies as asexual. You remember that usually this is a term for a person whose sexual orientation is of no sex. But terms get tossed around, and this can also sometimes mean what some think of when they think androgyny.

Look, most of this is new to people, so cut them a little slack in definitions. Labels are awkward things anyway.

So Mao goes to get their (never call a person an it. If there is no gender, use they and their) bits removed. All fine and dandy. But then, as an artist and a chef, Mao decided to do a little performance piece with their piece. They offer to cook and serve the penis to the highest bidders.

Dinner time!

Dinner time!

5 people were served bits of Mao’s bits while 70 others watched. And apparently in Japan, this is completely legal, as there is no laws against cannibalism. I mean, there probably will be shortly…

I saw the pictures of the, um, delicacy and will not be reposting them (you’re welcome). You can find them here if you really want to see. But the pictures show the food cooked and served in parts with button mushrooms.

And this is what makes Mao an artist and master chef. If it were me, I would have put that thing on a hot dog bun and smothered it in chili.

Shit Just Got Real

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Chicago isn’t really a safe town. It has a history of gangs and violence and mafia and ghettos… and now we can add another danger to the list: poop-filled socks.

A 21 year old college student was seated on the train, texting, when this guy throws a sock full of poop at her. She tried to confront him, but he took off at a fast speed and she couldn’t really follow because she had a face full of fecal matter.

Possibly this guy’s fecal matter:

PoopPosse

She didn’t know this guy, she didn’t provoke him. No one knows of any reason why he would have attacked her.

I think it’s obvious.

What? You need me to Sherlock Holmes this one for you? Do a little Dan Brown (which is also what Dan Brown called it when he takes a shit)?

Well, alright. Let’s look at the facts.

  1. Chicago is known for their gangs.
  2. Since I’m white and this suspect is black, I have to assume he’s part of a gang. Hey- don’t look at me like that. I’m not the person who makes up the racism rules. I just follow them.
  3. Gang members are getting classier, putting their names and logos on things. Any idiot can open a CafePress store now and have fancy swag and logos on hoodies. I mean, we did. PS- YoungNotions is now a gang.

Let’s take a look at that picture again:

PoopPosseLogo

 

And there it is. P.P. with little spattery marks surrounding it. Which obviously stands for Poop Posse. This urban youth is a part of a mysterious underground (hopefully in the sewers) gang that throws poop at people.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go accept a detective job on the Chicago police force. If I’m lucky, I’ll get partnered with a young, adorable sidekick whose optimism and spirit keep me going when I’m hardened by years of working against Chicago’s seedy underbelly.

This Is Not the Petition You’re Looking For

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I’m a huge fan of the Steven Brust books, and most especially the Vlad Taltos series. Maybe it’s because the series doesn’t neatly fall into fantasy or sci-fi, but plays each genre against the other to create a very full and complicated world. Maybe it’s because he tends to deal in philosophical concepts and character development with witty banter and natural character interaction. Maybe it’s because I love sword fighting and mysteries. Maybe it’s because I grew up with his children as some of my closest friends and devoured his books throughout my childhood. Maybe it’s because I consider Brust a friend, having had long philosophical talks with him (ie- having talked with him for more than 5 minutes) and worked with him at RenFest.

Oh, you think this article has topped out its geek factor at drumming with a sci-fi/fantasy author at a Ren Faire? Buckle up kids- it’s about to get all sorts of geeky up in this post.

Yeah, I know this guy. No big deal.

Yeah, I know this guy. No big deal.

I bring up the series because in the world where it takes place, there is an Empress, and every citizen of that Empire has a psychic link to the Orb, which the Empress monitors at all times. In one of the books, the protagonist (usually) of the books, who has had a link to this Orb since he was a child, is told that every citizen, due to the nature of the Orb, has the ability to psychically talk to the Empress at any given time. When the main character suggests that this must be a hassle for the Empress, his friend assured him that no, she actually gets very little in direct psychic communication because if the Empress doesn’t find your topic important enough, she simply destroys the sender via the Orb.

It’s like shooting the messenger times a thousand.

In September of 2011, the WhiteHouse.gov website saw the addition of the “We the People” petition section (petitions.whitehouse.gov). Any person can create and post a petition to this site, and if it gets enough virtual signatures, it gets reviewed by the Obama Administration and you are given an answer.

“My administration is committed to creating an unprecedented level of openness in government. We will work together to ensure the public trust and establish a system of transparency, public participation and collaboration. Openness will strengthen our democracy and promote efficiency and efffectiveness in government.”

— President Barack Obama

Our president can be so very adorably idealist at times. I just wanna give him a giant rainbow hug, wrapped in sunshine, and decorated with kittens.

This is the same petition process that, when Obama was re-elected, all 50 states had at least one disgruntled dude file a petition to secede. Which isn’t how that works, even though 7 of these petitions got enough signatures for review. So the Administration will have to review them and give them an answer. The answer will be “no- fuck you. That’s not how you secede, dumbass” but they will get an answer.

Do you know what else will have to be reviewed by the Obama Administration? A petition that just barely got the required number of signatures in which the petitioner asks the President to “secure funding and resources, and begin construction on a Death Star by 2016.”

YES!!!

Honey? Can you pick up a Death Star on your way home from work? We’re out.

The petition goes on to describe how doing so would contribute to job creation and national defense. And honestly, dude makes a valid point. Having an active space program where we put money into research and development does create jobs and can give us a scientific edge compared to other countries, including national defense.

Now, where did I put that NASA funding? Oh, right. Here it is. Just about to fall of the fiscal cliff, resulting in thousands of jobs lost, but successfully cutting millions out of the federal budget.

I’m certain that the Obama Administration is going to review the Death Star petition, and review our economy and the budget, and, once they pick themselves up off the floor from laughing so hard, respond with a well thought out and carefully crafted message. But I really want them to respond with three short but meaningful words:

“IT’S A TRAP!”

Grandpa Is the Next Hot Young Thing

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I can still wear some of my clothes from high school. Us rail thin people have it pretty easy in some respects… Like not having to shop for clothes all the time. I mean they fit a little different now. The words that used to run nipple to nipple across my chest now run along the tops of my boobs.

Gravity’s a bitch.

But there is one old man that’s not going to let his age keep him out of teenage clothes. Specifically his granddaughter’s teen clothes. You know, it really sounds gross when I say it like that. Eeeew! Old man wears his granddaughter’s clothes. Like he’s some kind of fetishist or something.

Look, not every old man from Asia wearing teen girl clothes is a fetishist. Way to stereotype. Asshole.

Anyway, Liu Xianping from China has been modeling clothes designed for teen girls in his granddaughter’s shop. And he has been WORKING it.

What I wouldn't give to have those legs..

The store is owned by 5 young ladies, one of whom (Ms Lv) is the granddaughter of the classy cross-dressing grandpa.

When Grandpa was helping unpack the boxes with his granddaughter, he started to mix and match different outfits together. They were having so much fun that they decided to shoot some pictures.

And a picture is worth a thousand… dollars? Since Xianping has started modeling the clothes, sales have gone up FIVE TIMES. That’s not hits to the online store. That is actual money sales.

But I mean, with legs like that, can you blame them?

They’re Pro-Something Alright…

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You know where the best place to put an anti-abortion message is? On a coat hanger.

There's all that empty space...

Words fail me.

Apparently, Springdale Drycleaners in Cincinnati, Ohio is putting these pro-life messages on their hangers. Their coat hangers. Their wire coat hangers.

“Look, there’s just all that empty space on that paper, and really, if you’re going to hit your target market… besides, every one loves a theme!”

I’m going to ask this, because I think it needs asking, and it obviously hasn’t been asked enough…

“HOW THE FUCK CAN ANYONE THINK THAT’S A GOOD IDEA?!?!?”

No wait, let me ask this correctly.

“HOW THE FUCK CAN ANYONE THINK THAT’S A GOOD IDEA FOR OVER 2 YEARS?!?!?”

No really. I haven’t been able to find a single news report on this, only internet rantings, and mostly just pictures with the caption WTF. But the earliest I can find on this is a post to Regretsy in September of 2010.

So somehow, our incredibly liberal media hasn’t picked up on this to trash it. And our conservative media hasn’t picked up on this to applaud it. Or, somehow, ALL our media is too busy pussy-footing around to try to please their followers that reporting on ACTUAL issues is too scary.

They might lose a rating, you know.

Look, I don’t like abortion. I really don’t. I’ve had some friends have abortions over the years as a means of family planning, and every time it happened, I’d get this sick, icky taste in my mouth. It actually makes me feel nauseous.

I don’t like abortion so much that, at the tender age of 20, when I was unexpectedly pregnant, I chose not to have an abortion.

And I chose it because I had that choice. The moment someone has the power to tell me I can’t have an abortion, that’s the moment someone has the power to decide that I *have* to have an abortion. The thing I’ll agree with Libertarians on is that we over-regulate a hell of a lot. To the point of losing certain freedoms. Like control over my own goddamned uterus.

The last thing I need some asshole in Cincinnati trying to control it by shoving his pro-life message up my twat.

Keeping People in the Internet Loop

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I have a love/hate relationship with the internet. Usually it’s love. I mean, I did post about how I suspect the internet fathered my child. There’s a lot of love to be had. It gives me so much.

But today, I’m mad at the internet. I made a lovely post about how I was going to switch out hosting servers over the weekend, and the first thing I did was change the domain name to my new hosting site.

And then I waited for the DNS to propagate. I waited some more. And then, after waiting, there was more waiting.

I’m still waiting. Just as many of you are waiting for me to explain what the hell DNS is and why this upsets me.

It’s easiest to think of the internet as a city. Not this city:

I still remember my old neighborhood and street address. No, I'm not telling you what it was.

I still remember my old neighborhood and street address. No, I’m not telling you what it was.

…but a city with addresses. Now, when you think of a web address, you’re probably thinking of the URL or the domain name (such as youngnotions.com or www.penisland.net). But those aren’t the actual address for the location of the website. They just get you there.

Let me explain.

The actual location is the IP address. You’ve probably seen this before when trying to set up your fancy new wireless modem for HOURS, talking on the phone with Comcast before you give up and call your 14 year old niece to come fix it, which she does in 5 minutes, and she also fixed the slowness issues you’ve been having, and found your porn stash which you cleverly titled “important documents” but she’s not going to bring it up with you, just pretend that she never saw those tentacles or KitchenAid appliance.

Seriously dude. You’re into some weird shit.

The IP address is a series of numbers like 169.254.0.16 that give the actual location of the server on the network. So, it’s easiest to think of the IP as the actual street address, like 1234 Main St. (yes, nerds. I know it’s not a perfect analogy. This is why you can’t talk to real people. Shut it.) If the IP address is the street address, the domain name is like the nickname of the place, or the name of the establishment. If I told you I was visiting the pentagon, you know where I’m talking about, even if you don’t know the street address for the pentagon. People in that area know how to get there, but might not know the actual street numbers. Also, I can tell my husband that I’m going to Ben’s house, and he know where that is without knowing the street address.

Well, actually, maybe not. We know a lot of people named Ben.

Now, on the internet, we keep track of domain names through the DNS, or domain name system. Right now, you’re thinking of one giant computer holding onto all those location nicknames, but it’s actually several computers that talk to each other on a fairly regular basis. Like a gossip circle, if you tell one of those computers, soon all the other computers will know. They chatter at each other all the time about what shoes you wore that day, and where so-n-so lives now, and it’s such a nice neighborhood… so much better than that run down shack they used to live in, though the kitchen is a little small, but you can’t have everything, I suppose.

Why no! I didn't hear about the new domain host. Please go on...

Why no! I didn’t hear about the new domain host. Please go on…

The point it, you all have friends that have everyone’s address. Let’s say one of those friends is Betty. And you’re supposed to go to Bob’s new housewarming. So you call Betty to get Bob’s address. But she doesn’t know he’s move yet because usually Char keeps her up to date on Bob’s happenings, and they haven’t talked yet today, so she gives you Bob’s old address. Well, now you’re at Bob’s old house with a bottle of wine and a boardgame, and no one to share them with.

Look nerds, I know that’s not the perfect analogy either, but seriously, NO ONE CARES. Shut your trap.

That’s basically where YoungNotions is at right now. We’ve moved down the street, and we told the people we usually tell, but they haven’t talked to their friends yet, so youngnotions.com is still telling people to come here to wordpress.

WHICH IS REALLY FRUSTRATING because I told Char 2 DAYS AGO and she still hasn’t let everyone know where I live. How can I have people over to my new place? Come on, Char. We’re all waiting on you.

So I hate the internet. I’ve been mad at it all morning. But then it gave me Bob Dole’s campaign website from 96, and www.howmanypeopleareinspacerightnow.com.

Awe, Internet… I can’t stay mad at you.

We’re Moving, Kinda

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Here’s the deal, kids. We’re moving from the free WordPress blog to our own space on a server. Theoretically, you shouldn’t notice that many changes. But it will be enough for you to come back to us on Monday, look around and say something like “kids, I told you not to throw any parties while I was gone. But there’s a beer bottle on top of that bookshelf you missed. Also, when did we get a 3rd bedroom?”

You didn't even know YoungNotions HAD a logo, did you?

You didn’t even know YoungNotions HAD a logo, did you?

We started YoungNotions almost 2 years ago. I had been toying with the idea of a website where Bill and I could both promote shows, promote our comedy, promote ourselves, and work on mutual projects together. When Bill and I talked about him staying home to focus on comedy, one of my stipulations was that he would write everyday. Be it a script, a blog post, or what have you, I wanted him to write daily.

We set up YoungNotions to fulfill all of that. And for a while, it did what we needed. Bill was posting every day. Well. Most days. Some days I would fill in. But mostly it was Bill writing. We had our performance calendars, I had my acting resume, we had Bill’s stand up clips, and we had our shared projects all under one website. It was our promotional tool, our fun daily performance, a few jokes tossed out for people to enjoy mid-day.

A few months ago, Bill got a day job so I could stay home and pursue facilitating my son’s education. And helping start up a theater production company (Fearless Comedy Productions. Maybe you’ve heard of them). And do some other theater things in the area and still have time for my son. When we made this decision, we had a long talk about what to do with YoungNotions. What role does it fill? What role *should* it fill?

The thing is, both Bill and I love writing for this blog. But it’s not really much of a blog in the way it was originally intended. Instead of being some dude’s random thoughts, we’ve become much more satirical and observational in our focus. We’re both writing now, and very little of it has to do with our home life anymore. And we no longer use it rto promote ourselves.

I took our calendars down months ago and none of you said anything. I also got a haircut and no one noticed. I’m very hurt.

Thing is, we’re not a blog anymore. YoungNotions has become its own comedy site. We went from getting excited over 50 hits in a day to our highest blog post getting over 2,000 hits in one afternoon. We get thousands of hits in a month, from all over the world. We’re regularly getting shared on reddit, digg, stumbleupon, and at least once a month, something one of us does goes viral on Facebook.

I’m not saying that we’ve hit the big time. Far from it. As far as comedy websites go, we’re pretty much the bottom rung of the ladder. But we aren’t “blogging” anymore. Bill isn’t talking about his day job unless there’s a joke to be had. I’ve talked up a couple of charity events lately, but it was obvious that this is not the place for those things anymore.

You kids have come to expect daily noontime jokes to break up your day. And we plan to deliver. Hell, we’re even working on YoungNotions shows outside of the website. Not just Bill and Jena, but YoungNotions shows. As YoungNotions. It really has become its own thing.

So we’re moving to a hosting service. This will allow us to do a couple of things. First, I’ll be able to do more and better customization for the site. That menu thing that’s always bothered me where the spacing was off and the items ran together? I can fix that now. It wasn’t worth it to pay to fix it when we were living in a rental.

And that’s the second thing. Moving will allow us to monetize. Not a lot. Hopefully enough to cover the cost of moving to a server. But those awkwardly placed ads in the blog posts? Well, now I can put them where it best makes sense, and instead of that money going to WordPress for the free hosting, it’ll now go to us to pay for the hosting.

We’ll also be able to set up our CafePress shop so you can purchase cool YoungNotions swag. I’ve already got some YoungNotions logo items available featuring that swanky logo I posted earlier. The thing is, we’ve had that donation button up there for months now, and we’ve received one donation (which, seriously- thank you). But I don’t blame anyone for not donating, because what do you get out of it? Now, a part of the proceeds will go toward YoungNotions, AND you get something for your money. And who doesn’t want a YoungNotions thong?

Soon....

Soon….

Did you just picture Bill in a thong? Oh, well NOW you did… Ugh. This is horribly awkward.

The point is, this site is no longer going to be about us. It really hasn’t been for quite some time. We’re just trying to keep up with the growth of our little baby blog.

Awe, look at it. All growed up and moving out.

There might be some bumps along the way. I believe what I’m doing will preserve subscriptions, but if you don’t see us in your email or feed on Monday, please let me know and/or re-subscribe. I promise we’ll be here, and with 20% less narcissism.

And the awkwardly placed ad is VVVVVVVVHEREVVVVVVVVV I mean, part of the post or no?

I’m Dying

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Kids, I’m dying. Here’s how it happened.

Yesterday, I sneezed and hurt my back. Bill had a late night with his gig, so I was walking in to wake him up when I sneezed. That one, tiny little sneeze caused every muscle in my upper back to constrict and shrink in on itself. So what Bill woke up to yesterday morning was “Bill honey, it’s time to OOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! GODDAMN FUCKING SON OF A BITCH WHORE!!!!!!!!!!!! FUCKFUCKFUCK OWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOW!”

I should have put my finger under my nose.

I should have put my finger under my nose.

True to form, Bill’s first reaction was to ask if I was okay, and his second was to talk about changing the settings on his alarm clock off of “pained wife.”

To which I responded with “OWOWWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWO!!!! FUCKFUCKFUCK I HATE YOU! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!”

I know my body. I’ve always had muscle tightness issues. I actually once had a masseur poke at my back for about 5 minutes, and then say “I… I’m not even sure where to begin.” I’ve done a lot of lifting in my day. Not nearly as much as I was a few months ago when I was tossing 70 pound printers around like it was no big deal. I once carried a 50 pound iMac several blocks because we were all out of hand trucks and I was NOT going to miss my appointment because the boys couldn’t be bothered to haul a 20 pds monitor without wheels. I’ve done tumbling, fighting, and dancing. I push my body hard near constantly, and through trial and error, I learned when I should push, when I should stretch, and when to stop.

I knew that before I could even diagnose myself proper, I had to get the rest of my back to relax a little. I did yoga child pose and after a bit slowly worked in some cobra pose. Moved into cat pose, and then some downward facing dog. What are those? Those, dear reader, are douchebag words us Uptown fitness wanna-bes use when we want to sound like we did a lot of hippy workout stuff when what we actually did was stretched.

Here are some other poses for you kids.

Here are some other poses for you kids.

After I was able to kinda get some of the muscles to relax a bit, I worked my way over to the computer and Googled “upper back pain.” But there were so many different types of injuries, and almost all of them had to do with slipped disks, which I was pretty sure had not just happened.

So when I couldn’t get the answer I needed from Google, I turned to my next reliable source of information… Facebook. I told the kids I was looking for some stretches for my back and asked if anyone knew any.

I got everything but. Lots of people telling me to ice it and rest, a couple people telling me to go to the doctor. All good advice if I had actually pulled it. But I was pretty sure this was still just most of my muscles constricted and needing a little it’s okay, it’ll all be okay stretching. There was so much going on, I just needed to get more of my back to relax before trying to really get into the problem and how to fix it.

But this, dear reader, is how I learned I’m dying. In among all this advice was a warning from a friend “Also check for other possible symptoms of other illnesses” with a link to Heart Attack Symptoms for Women.

I responded that I had sneezed.

And my dear friend replies with “Sneezing can be very dangerous!”

So you see, I’m dying. I had a heart attack the same moment I sneezed, popping my ear drum and cracking my rib. It’s been great knowing you all.

**Writer’s note: I have been icing it like a good girl… don’t any of you start telling me what to do or I’ll hunt you down and wake you up with Bill’s “pained wife” alarm clock setting. No really- I don’t recommend it.**

Computerized Comedy

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Some of you know that I have a fascination with computer animation. There’s something about that plastic, shiny world that just captivates me. Up to, and including computer animated Barbie.

She’s a Barbie girl, in her Barbie world.

It’s true. I love computer animated Barbie. I own several computer animated Barbie movies on VHS. It’s pretty much the only reason we still have a VCR.

Don’t judge me.

I admit, Barbie is pretty girly. I think most people agree I’m not much of a girly girl. I rarely wear dresses, and I could care less about my cuticles. I do own several pairs of heels, but usually only wear the flats. Heels are painful, and I can’t run in them. If the zombie apocalypse comes, I want to be able to out-run those fuckers.

However, I do applaude these guys:

They’re wearing the heels for height.

This is apparently (I haven’t verified it, but seems legit) a picture taken from Walk a Mile in her Shoes, an event to raise awareness of sexual assault. Seriously, major kudos. It takes a big man with tiny feet to do something like that.

Anyway, I bring up my fascination with computer animation because I found something I’m just not quite sure how I feel about it. It’s a computer animated show from Japan, and though my first reaction to it is “oooh… shiny….” after watching a couple episodes, I’m left blinking and confused.

Ladies and Gentlemen, I present to you The Mole Brothers!
[youtube=http://youtu.be/pL13yhRjMqA]

Like, okay. I love vaudeville and slapstick, and I can definitely see how this has borrowed from those traditions. But usually, to do vaudeville, you need jokes that are, well, JOKES. They have a great set up and punchline delivery, but what they’re delivering is… well, it’s like ordering a unique dress and getting a fish. It’s unique, but not really something you can wear.

And I’m going to take a stance here. Slapstick is only really funny if it’s real people doing it. I know, I’m judging these performers based on their non-existence outside of conceptual, but if it can’t actually hurt them, what’s the point? Look, I hate to be a realist about this, but without the physical, there’s nothing to actually hurt. If there’s no pain, there’s no funny.

I guess my whole problem with the show is that it lacks substance. Nothing solid there. Just a lot of tossed around ideas.

Build a Better Child Trap…

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Hello, readers! How was your Thanksgiving? I spent mine with the in-laws, relatively drama free, while my husband was in North Dakota telling his jokes and singing shitty karaoke songs.

What neither of us did over the holiday was rescue a trapped child from a laundry chute.

Ooooh- look! Fox news! Proving that little kid stories are universal.

Apparently, little Cayden was super curious about the laundry chute and decided to take a closer look. Maybe he thought it would be like those adventure movies where you slide down the long cave slide til you get to the hidden treasure. Maybe he’s a super nerd kid and wanted to play Star Wars. Whatever the reason, 2 year old Cayden opened the laundry chute door, and fell about 20 feet into a bunch of cables that were being stored in the chute, getting tangled up and unable to move.

Eventually, fire fighters were able to rescue little Cayden, who came away from the experience with little more than a couple of bumps and scrapes. One of the first things Cayden did was try to open the chute door again, but his parents had nailed it shut.

Now, I know what you’re thinking. What kind of shitty parent wouldn’t have done that in the first place? I admit, it was kind of my first thought. But then I remembered a time when Jared was two and had, in the space of about 5 seconds, managed to go from the ground to the top of a stack of benches, about 7 feet up in the air. To this day, I have no idea HOW he managed it. Point is, 2 year olds are freaky fast. If you take your eyes off of them for even a second, they’ll end up on the other side of the room, ready to do something incredibly dangerous and scare you half to death.

They’re like the most adorable Weeping Angels ever.

Don’t blink. Don’t even blink.

Anyway, although nailing down the laundry chute door seems like a no-brainer after the fact, we have to award the father massive kudo parenting points. Upon hearing the frightened screams of his child, locating him, and wanting to comfort him, Cayden’s father PUNCHED A HOLE IN THE WALL so he could hold his son’s hand til help arrived. In fact, Dad broke his hand and is probably going to need surgery.

He totally wins The Most Bad-ass Dad in Recent News award. Do you know who doesn’t get a good parenting award? This person:

[youtube=http://youtu.be/4U32s8G33r8]

There’s no sound, so if you have your audio off at work, you’re not missing anything. For those who can’t watch the video, let me describe it for you. From a security camera: a little girl and her older brother go up to one of those stuffed animal claw games. No parents in sight, but maybe they’re off camera. The little girl decides she wants a stuffed animal, and amazingly crawls up into the vending machine through the prize door. And then her parents, oblivious to the fact that she is missing, WALK RIGHT BY THE MACHINE AND OUT THE DOORS.

Big brother has to go get his mom TWICE before she notices that her daughter is not only missing, but inside a vending machine. She casually puts down her coffee before trying to rescue her daughter. I mean, she doesn’t even seem worried. Once the child is retrieved, Mom collects her coffee and sets down the little girl. Because priorities. If it were me, I’d still be clinging to my little boy 10 years later, and I’d have forgotten all about the coffee.

But you know what the biggest shame is? That little girl didn’t even get a stuffed animal.