Today is Canada Day, Canada’s national day of independence sort of. As somebody who lives in the U.S., I just assumed every country’s independence day celebrates how they kicked the shit out of the British. Cinco De Mayo? Celebration of Mexico kicking limey ass. Bastille day? Commemorates France’s historic victory of the British, earning the French independence. Russia day started in 1992 when the Russian people rose up against the yoke of British communism and embraced freedom.



Canada’s story of independence is actually quite interesting and I don’t know why it’s not taught more in the states. For those of you who aren’t aware of Canada’s history, I’ll give you the Cliff’s notes version of their fight for independence.



After losing it’s colonies in America in 1776 and in France after Bastille Day, England decided to tighten it’s reign over it’s remaining colonies and squeeze whatever it could out of them. Under Queen Victoria, the provinces of Canada were subject to unfair taxes like The Maple Syrup Tax, the Donut Tax, The Lumberjacking Tax and The Beaver Pelt Tax. The Canadians held an assembly where they politely asked the British if they could please stop oppressing them a little bit if it wouldn’t be too much trouble. The British, sensing a rebellion on their hands, sent boatloads of troops to impose martial law. While Quebec immediately surrendered, the other provinces decided it was aboot time they did something.



As the ships pulled into a southern port of Hudson bay, Canadian rebels were waiting on a patch of frozen ice. Using curved sticks, they launched frozen hunks of Inuit poop at the British soldiers. The troops immediately withdrew and Canada was granted it’s independence. The game of hockey is played every year as a Canadian revolutionary re-enactment and Quebec has been cursed to speak French for all time for it’s cowardice.



For actual information on Canada Day, look in a book or something. I got all my stuff off of wikipedia.

Yesterday the Supreme Court handed down two huge landmark decisions on gay rights and while I would normally write about something like that something big happened to me yesterday.



I got my candy in the mail.



For my birthday, my sister signed me up for Candy Japan. It’s a website that sends you Japanese candy twice a month. This is perfect for me because I love candy, especially candy you can’t get around here. When I spend a week in Mexico last year I pretty much survived off of candy bars I’ve never seen in MN while my friends all ate at beachside seafood restaurants. I’ve been to Canada twice and each time have come back with two bags full of candy not readily available in the states.



One of the nice/strange things about Candy Japan is that they send you stuff you can’t find in the U.S. so you’re not just going to get a box full of Pocky (although Pocky is delicious). Two weeks ago I got a strange DIY kit where you mix up a bunch of powders and water to make different flavored gels and foams. Yesterday I got this –

Yes. That’s a toilet.



According to the website what sent it, that’s called Moko Moko Mokorreto and it’s one of the strangest candies they’ve sent out. You mix up a powder and it expands and you drink out of a toilet because this is Japan.



They actually included a link to some youtube instructions in case you get tripped up in constructing your toilet to drink out of.







Okay. Let’s try this out.












Jena didn’t like it. Either it was the taste or something about drinking out of a toilet with cartoon eyes.

…or it was terminated. Really depends on your definition of when a bill becomes a law.



The Texas Senate held a special session for a new law that would greatly restrict abortion access for women but never passed. This is mostly due to the ten hour filibuster by Dem. State Senator Wendy Davis.

It takes some serious stones to deliver a ten hour filibuster to stop an abortion bill in a state where they endorse killing everything except fetuses.



Sen. Davis spent 10 hours reading letters from constituents about how harmful the bill would be and was only stopped after straying away from the topic three times which was weird because I thought you could talk about whatever you wanted during a filibuster. Didn’t Strom Thurman read from a phone book to keep black people from voting?



Here’s just some of the provisions of the bill that would’ve restricted a woman’s right to choose.

*All abortion clinics have to be at the top of 6 story walk-ups.

*The term “patient” must be replaced with “murdering whore” in all medical literature.

*Every abortion clinic waiting room must constantly play Ben Folds Five’s “Brick” on repeat.




This was a huge defeat for Senate republicans, who said they’d blow off some steam by spending the day watching some mentally handicapped prisoners get executed.

Growing up I don’t think I ever experienced a power outage that lasted more than a few hours.



Power outages were a fun little event for my family. We’d dig a few candles out of the closet, grab a board game and camp inside our own home. We’d make sure to turn the lights off and unplug the noisier appliances to make sure that we weren’t awakened by them all turning on when the power inevitably came back on while we slept. There was never any uncertainty or worry.



This weekend was different. Two sets of big thunderstorms on Thursday and Friday knocked down hundreds of trees around the area. Either that or somebody pissed this guy off –







Either way Minnesota has now experienced the worst power outage in it’s history with over 514,000 people losing power. As of now there are still about 40,000 people who still don’t have power. Our house went over 24 hours without power and this was definitely not the fun little event I remember as a child. The situation was much more dire.



I had to dick around on facebook on my phone. While at home.



Like, not even on the toilet. I was in my living room looking at facebook on my phone like some sort of caveman.



Granted, my phone has hotspot so I could still have internet for a laptop that was charged but my laptop battery is shot and my stepson’s laptop was all the way in his bedroom. Jena had a tablet but I didn’t know the password and I didn’t want to waste battery power calling her. To make things worse we ate all the bacon and eggs Saturday morning so they wouldn’t go bad and now we don’t have any bacon and eggs. I’ll either have to go to the store or wait until 4PM when the groceries we ordered online are delivered.



Thankfully, my power came back on around 2AM Sunday morning but I can’t help but feel sorry for those people who still don’t have power. They’ll have to make sure to charge their smartphones at work or in their cars or even take their laptops or tablets to a coffee shop, library, fast food restaurant, bookstore or any other place that has free wifi.

Celebrity Chef Paula Deen first shocked the nation with news by revealing that using donuts as hamburger buns and deep frying cheescakes can lead to diabetes. Now she’s shocking the world even more by showing that old people from the south can sometimes be racist.



Specifically, Paula has admitted in court that a dinner party where black waiters dressed like slaves would be super neat.

Wow…



That’s alright. I think there’s a way Paula Deen can learn from this experience and make some good television in the process.



We get her on one of those wacky court TV shows like Texas Justice (is that still on?). The last time I saw that show, the judge was brandishing a wooden bat he called “the justice bat” and made people do wacky shit like dress up in sumo outfits and duke it out. The judge will sentence Paula Deen in a poetic “let the punishment fit the crime” fashion to spend one month serving a black family. Have the cameras follow her around as she carries out her sentence.



At first she’s really insensitive and maybe serves them fried chicken and watermelon for dinner while giggling but over time she comes to learn the dual lesson that everybody should already know of “slavery sucks” and “racism is bad”.



You could call the show “Guess Who’s Serving Us Dinner?”

`Perverts are a problem all over the world. They leer, they ogle, they stare and sometimes they grope. Women have been forced to deal with pervs ever since “no” was invented and recently some crafty mind in China came up with a new way to handle them.







Well, they work. My boner’s gone.



The stockings, which were shared on a Chinese social network site and found by HuffPo are probably more of a novelty gift and probably won’t be the new fashion rage but I think they’re way off the mark. Not because they perpetuate a culture where the victims of sexual assault are considered the responsible parties and should cover themselves up if they don’t want to get attacked. I’m worried that if they catch on they’ll create super-pervs.



That’s right. Super pervs.



Pervs are just like any living thing. They evolve. The world is facing a huge crisis right now because certain bacteria like Tuberculosis are becoming resistant to antibiotics. The same thing can happen with pervs.



Think about it. If most women who were frequent targets of pervs start wearing hair stockings, the pervs won’t go away. They’ll just find new targets for leering and then those women will start wearing hair stockings and eventually all women are wearing them.



Not only is this gross but it doesn’t solve the problem. The pervs don’t just die off with nothing to stare at. They’ll evolve and eventually hairy legs are the biggest fetish among pervs and now I can’t wear shorts in public anymore.



Goddamn pervs.

It came a little late this year but summer is starting to rear it’s ugly, mosquito ridden head in Minnesota. Temperatures are starting to rise and the humidity is increasing, things that make life miserable if you’re fat and hairy like me. If you’re also painfully poor like me, you probably don’t have central AC in your home and the one window unit you have is so old and shitty it doesn’t do anything except drive up your electric bill-

In fact, a lot of summertime cool-down activities may be out of your financial reach. Air conditioned movie theater? Maybe a matinee if you find some change in the couch cushion. Water park? Doubtful. Here’s a few things you can do to beat the heat if you’re on a shoestring budget.



COLD SHOWERS
They’re not just for relieving sexual frustration anymore! Cold showers are a great way to cool off on a hot day. If you’re renting, chances are you’re not paying for water. Since this is America, water is an unlimited resource that will never run out. Take three cold showers a day and try not to think about Africa!



FREEZE POPS




Freezies, freeze pops, fla-vor-ice, stickless popsicles, bag-of-frozen-corn-syrup. Whatever you call these things there’s two undeniable truths: The blue ones are the best and they’re cheap as hell. You can get a bag of 50 of these for just a few bucks or if you’re really looking to splurge, some gas stations have the giant ones for 50 cents.



GOING TO THE GROCERY STORE AND PRETENDING TO SHOP FOR FROZEN FOOD
Chances are if you’re going to the grocery store you’re only there to pick up beans, bread or ramen but that can’t stop you from going to a frozen food aisle. There is no law preventing you from opening a freezer door and pretending like you’re going to get something but can’t decide what. You can spend all the time you want debating whether you want frozen corn or frozen peas before leaving with neither of them. Put one of them on your head for a little bit, it feels wonderful on a hot day. Who’s going to say something? Would you confront the crazy person at the store putting frozen veggies on their head? Go ahead and walk around the store with frozen peas on your head while you do the remainder of your shopping and then just put them back when you’re done. Nobody fucks with the guy with peas on his head.



SELLING YOUR SOUL
When you make a pact with a demon they plunge their claws into your heart and rip out the essence of what makes you unique and loved. The emptiness that is left inside of you feels like a cold, unfillable void that chills your core no matter what the temperature. Plus you can sell your soul for a decent air conditioner or something.



Stay cool out there!