This ol’ blog has seen a bit of a spike in views the last few days due to yesterday and Monday’s posts.  I think I’m seeing the connection here.  People like strong opinions.  I need to hit the reader hard and fast without regard to who I may upset.  With that in mind, this potato totally looks like a butt.

it does!

I know this might ruffle some feathers out there but I don’t care.  It totally looks like a butt.  When I posted a picture of it on facebook some people said it looks like tits, others said a pair of balls but they’re fucking wrong!  It looks like a butt.

Some people might be offended that I posted a picture of a potato that looks so much like a butt that I may as well have just posted a picture of a butt but (butt butt!) you’re gonna piss some people off when you shoot from the hip like me.  I’ve got opinions and I’m gonna share them, consequences be damned!

Come back tomorrow for even more controversy, fuckers!

I read an article in the Star Tribune today where you dumbshits are protesting a bottled water ban at the College of St. Benedict. It spoke about how the college banned the sale of bottled water on campus (students can still buy bottled water off campus and bring it in) to try to slow the growing mountain of smelly fucking garbage that’s going to eventually bury the human race. It also spent $20,000 on 31 “hydration stations” around campus where students can fill reusable water bottles.

Pretty noble of the college and a smart idea but you republican morons had to go once again, take an environmental issue and warp it into a political issue.

“Just as the government should not ban plastic bottles in America, a school administration should not ban the sale of plastic water bottles on their campus,” said Ryan Lyk, chairman of the Minnesota College Republicans and a complete fucking douchebag that doesn’t seem to understand that plastic is made from a finite resource and doesn’t fucking biodegrade.

Another statement from Kate Paul, a St. Ben’s student, a Minnesota College Republicans leader and a stupid bitch read “The hydration stations not only cost us money to use, they are costing us our ability to choose and convenience that derives from choice”. The statement was muffled and hard to decipher because she delivered it with her head entirely up her asshole.

You just don’t fucking get it, do you? Pollution is literally slowly killing this planet and there’s no way to stop it with so many people but when somebody tries to slow down pollution just a little bit you actively fight it? How the fuck did you get into college to begin with?

Now I realize that a few thousand plastic bottles aren’t going to singlehandedly kill the human race but your idiotic asshole attitude is symptomatic of a larger problem. It’s just like your stupid lightbulb bullshit from a few months ago. You think it’s all about the “free market” and “choice” and “blah blah money money I’m a dumb fucking republican” but you either don’t realize (because you’re fucking stupid) or don’t care (because you’re fucking evil) that there are more important things in life like the survival of the goddamn species.

Fucking morons.

(note:  this is an opinion piece and none of the statements about any person are, unless quoted, meant to be factual.)

I was watching the cnn.com five minute recap of last night’s Tea Party debate because I like to start my morning with a nice frothy fit of rage (works just as well as coffee). Seeing all the candidates on stage I was left with a really big question.

What the fuck is Newt Gingrich doing up there?

Seriously. Somebody should tell him. It’s kind of sad to see him up there. Sure, there’s plenty of candidates that don’t have a shot up there (Santorum!) but Newt Gingrich really, seriously, holy shit honestly does not have a shot at the nomination. The guy hasn’t held office in about 13 years and all he’s done since then is write Civil War fanfic and hang around Fox News. Why is he running? Who told him this was a good idea?

Ugh. Look at him.

Look at those little beady eyes.  His weird hair.  Would you vote for that?

Didn’t anybody tell him he kind of became the mascot for hypocrisy when he cheated on his second wife (and former mistress from his first marriage) while trying to get Clinton impeached for cheating?  Nobody’s going to vote for him.  It’s almost like the Republicans are fucking with him.

Wait… is that it?  Is this some sort of prank on the poor guy?  When the convention starts up in Tampa next year, is Newt going to step on stage to accept his nomination only to get a bucket full of pig’s blood on his head “Carrie” style?  If so, will his terrible psychokinetic powers finally be unleashed, killing hundreds of republican delegates and candidates in the convention center?  That would be terrible (right?  I keep telling myself that would be terrible).

Please, Republicans.  For your own safety, stop leading Newt Gingrich on.  Don’t vote for him.  In fact, just to be safe, don’t vote for any of the Republican candidates.

I don’t normally talk about the mechanics of comedy on this blog for a couple of reasons.  It’s kind of boring if you’re not a comedy nerd and talk like this should be left to more capable comedians than myself.  Personally, I love talking shop about comedy but this blog is about one thing, feeding my ego.

Regardless of my completely not at all overinflated ego (feel free to comment, link, post to facebook, digg, stumbleupon, email to your parents, print out and hand to strangers on the street while wearing a white robe and singing etc.), I posted a joke on facebook last night that I was thinking of taking onstage sometime and a friend pointed out that it was pretty close to a Mitch Hedberg bit.  I posted –

“The back of the Ritz cracker box is really presumptuous about the effort I’m willing to put forth into topping a fucking cracker. Tell you what, Ritz. You’re getting either peanut butter or cheese and maybe some summer sausage if we’ve got company. I’ll save the roast beef, horseradish and parsley for actual bread.”

This came to me while I was (get ready to peek in to the mind of the auteur as he crafts comedy gold) putting peanut butter on a Ritz cracker and reading the back of the box.

Seriously. The "Cheesy Tomato Melts" recipe calls for pepper and garlic powder. It's a cracker, not an episode of Iron Chef.

A short while after I posted this a friend commented that it was a Hedberg bit.  I couldn’t think of a Hedberg bit about topping crackers so I just took his word for it and decided to drop the bit before I ever took it onstage.  Another friend posted a link to the actual Hedberg Ritz cracker bit and stated that the context is different. It’s true, I certainly go in a different direction than he did but the basic foundation is the same and he came up with it first.

So what should a comic do in this situation? Throw the joke out.

It doesn’t matter that I came up with the joke on my own because I didn’t come up with it first. This rule holds true whether the bit was performed by an icon like Hedberg or a shitty open mic comic. You wrote it first, it’s yours.

Besides, if I’m funny I’ll be able to write a different joke that’s just as good. Comedian and aggressive top Rob Delaney wrote in Vice Magazine about a time a joke was stolen from him and performed on TV. He said “I realized that if I couldn’t immediately write several more jokes to replace it, then I wasn’t funny, and I had no business calling myself a comedian”. This philosophy should hold even truer (according to spell check it’s a word!) if you inadvertently steal a joke.

I’ll just write more, better jokes.  I’ll be fine.  In fact, you can see me at The Monday Night Comedy Show tonight. I’ve got a great new joke about Triscuits.