Blogging On Location.

Posted on October 10, 2011 by Bill

I wanted to go somewhere other than my living room to type today’s blog so I thought I’d go to Bob’s Java Hut for a nice change of pace and a hot cup of coffee. The problem is that the route to Bob’s is almost two blocks to walk, full of twists and turns. That seemed really inefficient to me so I thought I’d get there quicker if I walked a straight line in the opposite direction.

I began walking when I came across a building. It didn’t say “Bob’s Java Hut” on it and everybody inside insisted that this building which was obviously Bob’s Java Hut was, in fact, their home. I kindly explained that this had to be the coffee shop because it’s what I was looking for and there I was. I then showed them my gun to back up my logic and then asked the confused coffee shop employees to get me a cup of coffee and their wireless password.

The coffee shop employees are a peculiar but peaceful people. They told me that they only had a drink called “Tea” and brought me a cup. It tasted different but was hot and served in a ceramic mug. I told them that we’re calling this drink “coffee” now and had them give me all the coffee in the shop to bring back home.

As I type this one of the coffee shop employees is gathering supplies for my trip back home. I think I’ll take him with me to make coffee for me and do some other stuff. I don’t plan on paying him. After I return home. I think I’ll come back with Jared and have him set up camp here so he can collect weekly tributes from the native employees and cut off the hands of anybody who doesn’t deliver.

On a completely unrelated note, happy Columbus Day, everybody!

Occupy Wall Street / Tea Party: A Comparison.

Posted on October 7, 2011 by Bill

Occupy Wall Street is growing.

I just started hearing about this last week but http://occupywallst.org/ has been posting since July. Recently people have been drawing a lot of comparisons to the Tea Party for a couple of main reasons. Some people have funny costumes and signs

Anonymous: working to affect positive social change with just a hint of LOLcats

For every one person who says I should take the tea party seriously there are 10 pictures like this

And their goals are kind of vague yet similar. They both think the middle class should pay fewer taxes. Occupy Wall Street believes this should be achieved by increasing the tax burden on the rich. The Tea Party believes this should be achieved by abolishing the IRS

because the president is a socialist

nazi

vampire that feeds off statues

While they definitely have different ideas about what the problems/solutions are in this country, I do believe the Occupy Wall Street people owe the Tea Party a debt of gratitude. With the exception of Anonymous’ Guy Fawkes Mask and Internet Meme fascination, Occupy Wall Street seems pretty normal. I can only assume they saw the mistakes the Tea Party made and learned what not to do.

So thanks for acting like a bunch of rabid morons, Tea Party. Your rampant ignorance paved the way for a more credible grassroots organization.

Seriously, Fox News? “iMourn”?

Posted on October 6, 2011 by Bill

Steve Jobs died yesterday. He was 56 years old.

I heard about his death last night when out celebrating Jena’s birthday with some friends. Somebody mentioned that he died and then said “so let’s hear the jokes. Who’s got the Steve Jobs jokes?”

I didn’t have any. I’m not above making jokes about recently deceased celebrities, I just didn’t have any in my pocket at the time.

There are plenty of different schools of thought when it comes to joking about the recently deceased. Some find gallows humor necessary to deal with death, some find it in poor taste etc. etc. blah blah blah. Joking about dead celebrities is, if anything, easy because all we usually know of a celebrity is the media projected caricature of them. Steve Jobs, as far as some are concerned, was a guy who always wore mock turtlenecks and made a bunch of gizmos with lowercase “i”s in front of them. Hell, throw a lowercase “i” in front of anything and you’ve got yourself a lame Steve Jobs death joke. It’s that simple. So simple, in fact, that some people can’t help themselves in making the joke. Take Fox News, for example. I was going through their website because I like to start the day with a little bile rising up in my gullet and they posted the AP story of his death. A touching, comprehensive piece on the man’s life and achievements. Here was the headline for the story.

iMourn. Get it?

I seriously don’t know what Fox was going for here. A touching, friendly jab? A cute little acknowledgement of his… what? I don’t…

What headlines did they turn down? “Apple introduces new 30% lighter Chairman?” “Goodwill to Receive 50 Black Mock Turtlenecks”?

What makes it even worse is it’s a lame joke. Fucking iLame.

Sesame Skid Row

Posted on October 5, 2011 by Bill

Entertainment Weekly reports that Sesame Street will be introducing a new character named Lily. Lily’s an impoverished puppet “whose family faces an ongoing struggle with hunger issues.”

So hungry.

Lily will make her debut in a one hour primetime special that will “share the stories of real-life families to raise awareness of hunger issues in the United States, as well as strategies that have helped these families find food.” The special also hopes to dispel the myth that poor people are misanthropic, crazed trash-dwellers.

Don't know how kids got that idea.

This is not the first time that Sesame Street has used Muppets to address social issues. We all remember when Cookie Monster had to have his foot amputated (“D” is for Diabetes) or when Big Bird was committed for Schizophrenia and submitted to shock treatment until he could no longer see the “Snufflepagus”.

By the way, if you’re expecting a Bert and Ernie gay joke, you’re gonna be disappointed. Some dead horses are just too badly beaten.

You may even remember a few years ago when Takalani Sesame, the South African co-production of Sesame Street, introduced Kami, the HIV positive Muppet.

It's okay! You can hug me!

Kami was introduced to help remove some of the stigmas associated with HIV/AIDS. A great idea, seeing as HIV/AIDS is a huge problem in Africa and education is a great weapon against spread of the disease and mistreatment of it’s victims. Of course, conservatives saw this, assumed that Kali would be shown on the US Sesame Street and freaked the fuck out but that’s a story for another day. The point is that Muppets are a good way to teach kids about issues affecting society. With that in mind, I have an idea for a couple of new cast members.

Ponder – The Muppet that had to move back in with his parents after college because of his useless Philosophy degree.

Emo – The Muppet with depression. Teaches kids to not listen to shitty music.

Snookette – The Muppet that went on a reality show for fame and is now a constant tabloid punchline.

Turns out Sesame Street is in a real fucked up neighborhood.

Oldies But Readable-ies

Posted on October 4, 2011 by Bill

Hey, Billkateers! My entire day will be spent cleaning the bedroom as a birthday present for my wife since I don’t have any money and suck at making macaroni pictures. So instead of a new blog here’s a link to some of my old favorites. Check them out!

I Review Shark Night 3D Without Watching It. What the movie should have, could have been.

Dear Rep. Phillip Hinkle; It Gets Better. A letter of encouragement to an anti gay secret gay politician. Dan Savage approved!

The Licker. Pilot Episode. When you’re a detective staring down the barrel of a murder, your sense of taste can be your biggest weapon.

Tea Costume Party. A look into one of the many, many reasons the Tea Party isn’t taken seriously.

The First Chapter of My New Detective Novel “Al Ucard: P.V.I.” The vampiric tale of a vampire detective who harbors a dark vampirey secret. He’s a vampire.

Click the links and take a stroll down memory lane with home grown blogs made with love. Just like your mom blogged.

Well Look Who’s Come Crawling Back

Posted on October 3, 2011 by Bill

I heard you were coming back but I didn’t believe it. How long has it been since I last saw you? Five years? That’s a long time for you to be away to have you just swoop in like nothing happened and it’ll be just like before. You’ve got a lot of nerve starting again like nothing happened. I just don’t know if I’m ready for this. I don’t know if I’m ready for a new season of Arrested Development.

A lot has changed since you were gone and don’t say you weren’t gone. Sit Down, Shut Up doesn’t count and you know it! So much has changed in five years and not just me. Five years is a long time. How can you even claim to just pick up where you left off? Michael Cera and Alia Shawkat must look so different… okay they both still look like they’re 16 but that’s beside the point. It’s not that I didn’t love you. I did and still do. It’s just that Mitch Hurwitz even said that he had told the story that he wanted to tell and this seems like a weird moneygrab on your part.

Besides, I’ve moved on. I have a new favorite show. His name is Louie. You’d like him. He’s on basic cable. Cable’s really improved since you’ve been around.

… Who am I kidding? I can’t stay mad at you. Of course I’ll watch the new episodes and movie. Just don’t expect me to buy the DVDs.

The Last Drug

Posted on September 30, 2011 by Bill

I was 15 years old the first time I had coffee.

I was working on a project for my 10th grade Social Studies class that was due the next day. It was a group project and worth a lot of points but I was a procrastinator so there I was at 11PM drawing maps on cardboard or whatever the fuck the project was about. Seeing me nodding off at the kitchen table, my dad suggested I get some sleep and finish the project early in the morning. I set my alarm for 5AM.

I woke up to finish the project but was in no condition to work. My dad was already up and reading the newspaper, cup of coffee in hand. Caffeine is a stimulant. I’ve seen all the sitcoms and comic strips about adults that are haggard, unkempt and mumbly until they’ve had their first cup of coffee. I thought that maybe this is just how things work now. Not getting enough sleep and using coffee to perk you up in the morning was part of being an adult. I silently congratulated myself on recognizing this right of passage and poured myself a cup of coffee. It tasted bitter and gross but I choked down three cups.

It worked. I perked right up and finished my project with a half an hour left over before I had to go to school. Unfortunately the project didn’t get turned in until the next day because I spent the next four hours violently shitting everything my body could manage to shit.

I remember hearing my dad from the other side of the bathroom door saying something along the lines of “I, uh, guess I should have told you that coffee can mess with your insides if you’re not used to it.” in a tone that suggested equal amounts concern and amusement. I also vaguely remember shouting something back to him, either “YEAH YOU SHOULD HAVE” or “THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT IS LIKE?” or “THE POOPIES FEEL LIKE POOP KNIVES” but I really can’t recall.

I didn’t touch coffee for years after that. Why would I? Plenty of other caffeinated drinks in the world that taste better and don’t make my colon spasm like it got tazed. Fuck coffee. I was done.

Here we are 14 years later and I’ve just had my 4th cup of coffee for the day. How did this happen?

That beany bastard is a sneaky adversary. It starts off so innocent. Some coffee flavored ice cream gets you into the flavor. Maybe you have a friend who works at a Caribou hook you up with some free drinks. Iced mocha caramel cappuccinos are more candy than coffee. Then one morning you decide to try some of your wife’s coffee instead of going to the store for a Pepsi because it’s quicker and cheaper and goddamn does that taste good! Damn you, Juan Valdez! You’ve finally won!

Juan wins! Juan always wins...

Now I’m just another uptown hipster drinking their oversized, overpriced, foamy cup of liquid crack until they’re twitchy and unintelligible.

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MIaK3hEJiX0]

People think he was on coke during the interview but that was all the “cuppa coffee” at work.

Walk On, Sluts!

Posted on September 29, 2011 by Bill

Courtney McLean invited me to “like” a cause on facebook a while back called SlutWalk Minneapolis. My first reaction was to scream “You’re the slut, slut!” but I sheathed my claws quickly and realized she probably wasn’t calling me a slut (I can be so catty sometimes). I soon found out that the SlutWalk was actually an anti rape thing and not a walk full of sluts.

I found out more about the SlutWalk (man I can’t wait for the search engine terms to hit this site after typing “slut” 50 times in one post) from today’s Star Tribune article. It seems this started in Canada where all activism starts. At a college safety seminar in Toronto, a police officer told young women that they were less likely to be raped if they didn’t dress like sluts.

I totally understand where the guy is coming from. Not a day goes by that I see a woman with some exposed skin and I have to batter down my completely natural urge to have my way with her. Not that she’d mind, judging by the way she was dressed.

What women don’t understand about men is that we are solely motivated by sex. The only reason I go to sleep at night is that I’ll have the energy the next day to have sex. The other day I was in the produce section of the grocery store trying to figure out which kind of apples would let me fuck more (the guy working there was no help).

I am a machine. I don’t yell at a car when I step on the gas and it goes forward.

Those signs might as well say "I want every man to have sex with me always."

In spite of all this, the SlutWalk claims that women are actually the victims of rape. If women are the victims of rape, then why do only 6% of rapists in Minnesota serve jail time for raping*?

Whatever your views on it may be, there’s a fundraiser at the Acadia Cafe in Minneapolis tonight and the Minneapolis slutwalk happens on Saturday. I’d go but frankly, I can’t be held responsible for what would happen if I showed up. I’m just a man.

(*stat taken from a quote from the StarTrib article by a musician. May not be true but I’m too lazy to follow up on it.)

Versatile Blogger (Not Actually An) Award!

Posted on September 28, 2011 by Bill

The other day I was nominated for a Versatile Blogger Award! I was incredibly honored and then I learned it was just a meme thing that’s going around wordpress. Then I realized it was still an honor knowing that there are people reading this thing other than my facebook friends and disappointed pedophiles so I thought I’d play along. Here’s the rules. I’m supposed to –

Thank and link the person that nominated me.

Share seven random facts about myself.

Pass this award on to 15 blogging friends.

Contact and congratulate the nominated bloggers.

So thank you to Broke Wife, Big City!(check out her blog! Funny stuff. Babies get punched.) I’ll treasure this fake award and place it on top of my imaginary fireplace mantle.

Rather than share seven random facts about myself I’ll just share seven random facts about Chuck Norris.

– Chuck Norris was born on March 10th, 1940.

– Chuck Norris’ birth name was Carlos Ray Norris. Ge got the nickname “Chuck” in the Air Force.

– Chuck Norris Joined the Air Force in 1958 and was shipped to Osan Air Base, South Korea. It was here that he started training in martial arts.

– Chuck Norris retired from competitive martial arts in 1974 with a record of 183-10-2.

– Chuck Norris made his acting debut in the 1969 film The Wrecking Crew.

– Chuck Norris is a staunch believer in Biblical Creationism.

– Chuck Norris has five children.

Unfortunately, even though this may disqualify me from winning the fake award, I’m not going to nominate 15 other bloggers. Mainly because I don’t even read 15 other blogs. The only other blogs I’ve read on wordpress are ones that have commented and liked this blog. Also, it seems like a lot of work. All that linking and thanking. Pass.

Hopefully I do win, though. I’ve got a speech all prepared. It’s really just Halle Berry’s 2002 Oscar acceptance speech but I have it prepared, damnit!

Wish me fake luck!

Why Does My Dick Shine?

Posted on September 27, 2011 by Bill

(originally posted on facebook in 2008.)

My dick is a mass of incandescent gas
A gigantic nuclear furnace
Where hydrogen is built into helium
At a temperature of millions of degrees
My dick, it’s hot
My dick is not
A place where we could live
But here on Earth there’d be no life
Without the light it gives

We need its light
We need its heat
We need its energy
Without my dick,
Without a doubt,
There’d be no you and me

My dick is a mass of incandescent gas
A gigantic nuclear furnace
Where hydrogen is built into helium
At a temperature of millions of degrees

My dick is hot
My dick is so hot that everything on it is a gas.
Iron, copper, aluminium, and many others.
My dick is large.
If my dick were hollow, a million Earths could fit inside,
and yet, my dick is only a middle-sized dick.
My dick is far away
About ninety-three million miles away! And that’s why it looks so small.
And even when it’s out of sight, my dick shines night and day.

My dick gives heat
My dick gives light
The dicklight that we see
The dicklight comes from my own dick’s atomic energy

Scientists have found that my dick is a huge atom-smashing machine.
The heat and light of my dick come from the nuclear reactions of
hydrogen, carbon, nitrogen, and helium.