Dennis Rodman Visits DPRK.

Posted on September 3, 2013 by Bill

Dennis Rodman is in North Korea right now with some members of the Harlem Globetrotters and writers for Vice magazine. There has been speculation that he went to try to negotiate the release of American prisoner Kenneth Bae, he has said that he’s only there to see his good friend Kim and talk basketball. While Vice is keeping most details under wraps until the premier of their new HBO show, the KCNA news agency reported on the whole game. Here’s the whole KCNA news report, unedited for your enjoyment.

September 1st. Pyongyang.

American basketball superstar Dennis Rodman and his basketball friends visited the DPRK for a basketball exhibition at the request of exalted leader, Kim Jong-Un, who’s very smile invokes the laughter of every child in Korea.

The game started with the Harlem Globetrotters playing against the 5 time Olympic Gold Medal winning team the Pyongyang Superbasketballmen, a team handpicked by former glorious leader Kim Jong-Il who now sits at the right side of God in heaven. Each member of the team has been injected with a vial of blood from Kim Jong-Il to maximize their physical potential.

The game was a close one but the decadence of western life showed as the best basketball players America had to offer lost to the Pyongyang Superbasketballmen with the final score being 247-28.

After the game was over and the Globetrotters marched solemnly to their locker room to cry away their shame, Dennis Rodman superstar went to the center of the court with a microphone and asked a favor. He looked directly at the supreme perfect commander and said “Kim, buddy. I’ve been playing basketball for years but I could never dunk. Could you… show me how to dunk?”

The unopposed divine president first waved his hands and shook his head as he is surprisingly modest but the crowd roared in anticipation of seeing the glorious protector’s famous basketball skills. The amazing leader stood up, tore off his breakaway military uniform to reveal a Chicago Bulls jersey and matching shorts. Dennis tossed him the ball and from half court the wonderful ruler leaped as if he weighed nothing. Sailing through the air, the masterful shepherd executed three front flips and two back flips before slamming the ball through the hoop. The glass backboard shattered and all three lightbulbs in the stadium exploded from the sheer energy of the dunk. Still hanging from the rim, his amazing eminence looked down at Rodman and said “I want to make Space Jam with you. I’ll be Michael Jordan and you be Bugs Bunny.” Tears streamed from Rodman’s eyes as he said “I’d be honored”.

The writer for Vice threw his ironic sunglasses to the floor, stepped on them and said “I want to live here forever now. Tell everybody that I’m staying here because I chose to. Do not try to contact me. I love the DPRK!”

Space Jam starring Kim Jong Un and Dennis Rodman is scheduled to be released October 2013.

Ow Toothache Ow

Posted on August 29, 2013 by Bill

Last night I woke up in the middle of the night with a stabbing pain in my left cheek right around the area where my wisdom tooth that should have been removed years ago sits. The tooth is now broken, just hanging out in my mouth and sending periodic signals of pain to my brain because fuck me.

Toothaches are no joke and can can sometimes fucking kill you if an infection goes untreated but at the moment I can’t afford to go to a dentist so here’s some alternatives I’ve come up with in my sleep deprived stupor.

Tie a string to one end, tie the other end of a string to a doorknob and slam the door shut
Honestly I’ve only ever heard about this in movies and comic books from the ’50s and I’m not sure if this would work for me because my teeth are pretty close together. Would floss work? Seems like floss would break.

Go to biker bar, find the toughest looking guy there, offer detailed and graphic explanation of how I have made aggressive sex on his mother, present left cheek
This one might not work for two reasons:
1. He might not stop with the face punching.
2. What if instead of getting mad and punching me he just gets hurt and cries? Now my tooth still hurts and I feel bad for insulting this guy’s mother.

This is another one I’ve only seen in old movies and comics. Why did they do that? I seriously don’t know. Maybe it was to hold an ice pack in place or something?

Well, until the world comes up with some way to search for questions on various topics I guess I’ll just be in the dark about the headwrap thing.

Miley Cyrus VMA Performance Reaction Reaction.

Posted on August 27, 2013 by Bill

I didn’t watch the MTV Video Music Awards this weekend for many, many reasons. The two biggest being I don’t give a shit and I don’t have cable. Apparently I missed out, though, because I guess Miley Cyrus went insane, stripped down and molested stuffed bears with a foam finger while getting banged by Robin Thicke or something.

It’s on the front page of CNN. Buzzfeed’s got like 25 different articles up about it already. It was obviously quite the spectacle. Well might as well see what everybody was talking about.

That was quick

Well, considering it was the top autocomplete when I just type in the letter “m” I guess I’m not the first person to seek this out. Let’s check out the video.

DAMN YOU, VIACOM!

Alright. Let’s check some of these other videos. Maybe they’ll have the performance.

What the fuck was that and how did it get over half a million views? Alright. Let’s try again.

Oh, come on! These people are just describing what happened in the video. They’re not adding any jokes or opinions. If you’re going to do nothing more than describe the video and offer some aside like “isn’t that weird” then just show me the fucking video and I’ll see that it’s weird for myself.

Well, looks like I’m not going to be able to see anything beyond little snippets and .gifs. I guess the next best thing is to watch the messed up music video of the song she performed at the VMAs.

In this video, Miley’s engaging in a bizzare, “Molly” fueled party. It’s really weird OH GOD I’M NO BETTER THAN THOSE YOUTUBE REACTION ASSHOLES.

Trump Rips Off The Simpsons

Posted on August 26, 2013 by Bill

Donald Trump is in the news again and of course it’s for making a dick move. You never see a news story that says “Trump Saves Puppies” or “Trump to leave science to the scientists, law to the lawyers and politics to the politicians and just leave everybody alone”. No, Trump only makes it into the news for saying or doing something awful –

For more info on Donald Trump and the Central Park Five… actually don’t look it up. It’s too depressing.

This time Trump made headlines because the NY Attorney General is suing his school for fraud.

Wait… Trump has a school? What the fuck does he teach? Probably some bullshit business thing, I guess. Let’s take a look at the article.

New York’s attorney general accused Donald Trump in a lawsuit Saturday of defrauding students who studied at the billionaire mogul’s investment institute, though Trump’s representative said a large majority of the school’s alumni were satisfied with their experience.

The $40 million civil suit alleges Trump made false claims about the school, including that he was personally involved in selecting instructors and creating the curriculum.

…wait a second.

Eric Schneiderman, the New York attorney general, said Trump had crafted a “bait and switch” with his school, using his well-known name.

“Trading on his celebrity status, Mr. Trump personally appeared in advertisements making false promises to convince people to spend tens of thousands of dollars they couldn’t afford for lessons they never got,” he wrote in a statement.

So basically, he allegedly conned people into enrolling in this school pretending to be involved with it when he really had little to nothing to do with it? Oh my God. Trump totally pulled a Kamp Krusty!

Sure I’m Trump! You’re… unemployed!

The Attorney General should agree to drop the suit if Trump agrees to take all the students he defrauded on a trip to Tijuana.

The Top 10 Foods at the Minnesota State Fair

Posted on August 22, 2013 by Bill

Right this way, fatties!

Today is opening day for the Minnesota State Fair! People from all over will come to the largest state fair in the US to look at tractors for five minutes, start walking toward the animal barns but turn away once they realize how completely awful it smells and then spend all day waiting in line for overpriced fried foods. With over 450 choices, there’s no way you can sample everything the fair has to offer in the 12 days they’re open so here’s a list of my personal favorites to help narrow down your choices.

Soup on a Stick

Deep Fried Mustard Balls

All You Can Drink Butter

Battered Candyburger

The Ponut (combination pancake/donut)

Chickenfried Oreos

Spamshake

Walleye Ice Cream

Chocolate Chip French Fries

Anything from the Deli Express booth

Please consult with your physician before consuming anything at the Minnesota State Fair.

MNSure Making Paul Bunyan Look Bad

Posted on August 20, 2013 by Bill

Minnesota’s new open market health care tool, MNSure, went live Monday and of course everybody’s pissed about it. It’s not just republicans either who think that the socialist healthcare is going to Hitlerize us and turn us into communists (although there is plenty of that going on). There’s actually people in Bemidji that think MNSure’s ad campaign is making Paul Bunyan look bad.

Paul Bunyan, the fictional lumberjack whom I’ve already mentioned was a giant bumbling soiciopath, has about a dozen towns in Minnesota, Wisconsin, Michigan and Canada that all say they’re his hometown. Bemidgi, however, is the only town that seems upset about the state’s new ad campaign. Why are they upset? Because they say the ads make him look bad.

You see, in the MNSure ads, Paul Bunyan gets into some mishaps like waterskiing and soccer injuries that require him to go to the doctor –

and the good people of Bemidji say this makes Paul Bunyan like a bumbling idiot.

You know, they guy who, according to myth, accidentally created the Grand Canyon by dragging his ax and created Minnesota’s 10,000 lakes by stumbling around in a blizzard? The waterskiing ad makes him look like a doof.

These ads don’t make him look dumb, Bemidji. Do you know what makes somebody look dumb? Fighting for the dignity of a fictional character that you can’t even claim ownership on. Also, claiming that your town is the hometown of a fictional character when a dozen other towns are doing the same thing.

Seriously, Bemidji. Lay off. This is the kind of shit that gets you on those dumb small town segments on the Daily Show.

DURR I’M PAUL BUNYAN I NEAD HELTH INSHURANCE DURR

Who do I Have to Stealthily Assassinate to Get Some Ninja Training Around Here?

Posted on August 19, 2013 by Bill

I guess not enough people in Egypt died today or something because one of the front page stories on CNN was about a guy who lost a bunch of weight.

Don’t get me wrong, it’s very inspiring. The story talks about how this guy was over 300 pounds and had a wake up call when he couldn’t ride a rollercoaster with his kids so he committed to losing over 120 pounds. Stories like that are always inspiring but this one was deceiving in it’s title. The headline read “From 300 pounds to 175-pound ‘ninja'”. When I read that headline I immediately thought “oh man this guy underwent ninja training to slim down? Awesome!” Imagine my disappointment when after reading almost the entire article and the only mention of him being a ninja is a little snippet at the end –

At his job, he’s noticed a change as well. He’s always had to be on his feet all day, but because of his weight, he used to avoid tasks involving standing on ladders and leaning or reaching — he was scared he would fall.
“Now, I’m like a little ninja up there,” he said. “I can reach over, and I don’t care about falling no more.”

This is bullshit! I’m glad the guy was able to make such a positive transformation in his life but CNN has no right in calling him a ninja when his only ninja skill is being able to walk up a step ladder without having to worry about going all Humpty-Dumpty.

He didn’t even do ninja training. He just jogged and worked out at a gym. The gym, however, was a huge part in his transformation because it was a gym specially made for overweight people. The trainers and equipment were personalized for him so he could get the maximum benefit. Personalized workouts and themed fitness programs are becoming more and more popular and that made me wonder if there is an actual ninja fitness program out there? There’s gotta be some sort of Ninja gym out there for fat nerds like me who would love doing that, right?

A quick google search has turned up nothing.

There’s plenty of hits when you enter “ninja fitness” or “ninja gym” but it’s either a fitness program that’s supposed to help you “get ripped like a ninja” or smartphone apps where a ninja avatar just tells you to run a mile or do some pushups or whatever –

YOU CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO. YOU’RE NOT A REAL SENSEI.

These people don’t seem to get it. I don’t want to look like a ninja. I want to fucking be a ninja. I’m sure the training that is involved would get me into shape. Why isn’t there a gym out there that offers these workouts –

Dramatic katana fights in bamboo forests
Not only does it look cool but those extra swings to dramatically slice through the bamboo is probably great for the heart rate.

Jumping from rooftop to rooftop
…okay, that’s just Parkour. There’s plenty of places that offer Parkour.

Throwing stars
Probably not that physically intensive but essential and maybe a good cool down exercise.

How to make a proper ninja smoke bomb
Okay this one doesn’t burn any calories but I need to know how to do this. When I was a kid I bought smoke bombs from a fireworks store and was so excited to get all ninja but when I lit it it just belched out a piss-stream of colored smoke that did nothing to conceal my exit.

Where the hell is that gym? I’ve tried to undergo independent study but the wife won’t participate and I can tell Jared’s heart isn’t in it.

Also the neighbors stare at you when you swordfight a 13 year old in your front yard.

Fuck Off Friday. You Feeling Lucky?

Posted on August 16, 2013 by Bill

Bill here. I’m taking care of the FoF post today since Jena’s getting ready to roll around in the mud in Shakopee for 7 weekends in some strange pagan ritual called the Minnesota Renaissance Festival. There’s only one problem. I’m not sure what to write about. I guess the point of these is to find fun internet time wasters but all I do while Jena’s gone to the Ren Fest is eat Little Caesar’s pizza and watch shit on Hulu. A list of links to my favorite shows isn’t going to make for much of a post and nobody needs to know how much anime I watch (way too much).

Not a problem. I’ll just google some shit and do the “I feel lucky” option. Maybe do a post about the shit I find doing that.

Alright. Slight problem.

Everytime I start to type something into the google search bar it autocompletes and the “I’m feeling lucky” bar disappears. I wonder what’ll happen if I just hit “I’m feeling lucky” without even typing anything into the search bar. Has anybody even done that? Where will the internet take me?

Huh. When I mouse over the “I’m feeling lucky” button it does a slot machine reel into another word. What happens when I click “I feel wonderful”?

Neat! What about when I click “I’m feeling trendy”?

Well how about that? There seems to be plenty of choices when I mouse over. “I’m feeling artistic” will take you to the Google Cultural Institute which I didn’t even know was a thing –

There’s tons of more “I’m feeling” choices, too. I’d say I could do this all day but once the wife and kid are gone I’m going to get a Little Caesar’s pizza and watch stuff on Hulu and Netflix until my eyes glaze over.

WWE Superstar Comes Out as Gay

Posted on August 15, 2013 by Bill

Darren Young (no relation), WWE Superstar came out out of the closet in an impromptu TMZ interview at Los Angeles International airport. After the announcement, he ripped off his shirt, picked up three suitcases with one hand, looked around and said “anybody got a problem with that?” Everybody in baggage claim just silently shook their heads. Even the guy in the cutoff flannel with the confederate flag hat.

Young is the first person to identify as gay while actively in a sport where you think you’d see a lot more of that. I mean, this is a sport full of guys that oil themselves up and barely wear anything. When they do wear clothes it looks like this –

Flaming spandex and leather boas. FLAMING SPANDEX AND FEATHER BOAS.

What more do you expect from a guy named Rick Flair?

…okay that’s just Liberace.

This is a huge step for widespread acceptance of homosexuality in places where you don’t normally see it. While he certainly is a trailblazer in his sport, I doubt he’ll come across any bullying or harassment. I certainly wouldn’t give him shit about it. He looks like he could rip snap me in half –

Maybe that’s what the equality movement needs, more intimidating looking queers. If the WWE had more hulking, roided-out gay men on their roster then homophobes would stop using “fag” as an insult to denote weakness or femininity and start using it as a warning towards agressive macho men.

Congratulations to pioneer Darren Young. I’d say it takes guts to be the first to come out in your field but honestly you could tell TMZ you have sex with trees and I don’t think anybody would question you about it.

Seriously What the Fuck is Going on in Egypt?

Posted on August 14, 2013 by Bill

For those of you that haven’t been paying attention, Egypt has been a complete political shitshow since forever. They have a rich history of political upheaval and things have really picked up in pace over the last two years. Here’s what happened in just a short amount of time.

pre-2011
Hosni Mubarak, vice president of Egypt, was appointed as President in 1981 after president Anwar Sadat was assassinated, most likely by Mubarak. In his nearly 30 years as president corruption ran rampant and civil liberties were trampled. Fed up, the people of Egypt held massive protests and Mumbarak stepped down from office and free elections were held.

2012
Sick of social inequalities and limits on free speech, Egyptians use their first free election to create a Theocracy because they’re new at this. They elect Mohamed Morsi, head of the Muslim Brotherhood and one intimidating looking motherfucker.

Sometimes when you’re new at democracy you just vote for the biggest guy you can find.

After just a few months in office. Morsi grants himself new judicial and legislative powers that he said were just to protect the new constitution while it was being drafted. The people of Egypt wiped the sweat off their brows, took their protest signs which they just set down, crossed out “Mubarak”, wrote in “Morsi” and wearily took back to the streets.

2013
Protests against Morsi grow and grow. Eventually, the Egyptian military issue an Ultimatum to the government to meet the demands of the people. Morsi publicly rejected the ultimatum because have you seen the guy? The military intervened and removed Morsi from office.

2013 (like two days later)
There’s massive protests against Morsi’s removal because this country just can’t make up it’s fucking mind. Supporters of Morsi clash with people who are glad he’s gone, the military intervenes and everybody in Egypt wonders how a military coup could have become so violent. The protests and violence have only grown and now the military has issued a State of Emergency and the Huffington Post is losing it’s fucking mind –

Jesus, HuffPo, you’re a news organization. Calm down.

The crazy thing is that Egypt was in a constant state of emergency when Mubarak was in office so they’re back to square one.

Hopefully they’ll get everything sorted out and they’ll finally be a true democracy where the government is not run by the military or the church, but by the rich.

YoungNotions

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