Author Archives: Bill

Victoria Jackson is a Comedic Genius

Posted on by
6

The mark of a true satirical genius is when they actually get you to think they believe what they’re saying. They become so entrenched in their character that you think they’re as crazy as they pretend to be. This Kaufman-esque dedication to the part is what makes it all the more hilarious when you realize that they’re in on the joke. The longer the performer is able to keep this charade going, the more people they’re able to draw in, the bigger the payoff.


I honestly think this is what Victoria Jackson is doing.


It’s perfect, when you think about it. She spent years on SNL doing funny-but-not-groundbreaking roles and bit parts and after a few minor roles in movies she completely disappears from the public radar. Come 2008, she’s on Fox News calling Obama a communist.


It’s weird to think about at first. Why is she on Fox News? She’s not a political commentator and she hasn’t worked in forever. Is Fox News just letting any comedian on if they’ll bash Obama? One would automatically think this is some sort of prank from Victoria (Ms. Jackson if you’re crazy). Knowing that people would think this was some sort of joke she starts doing some of the worst stand up imaginable to make people think she’s incapable of proper satire. Here she is telling street jokes for the Christian comedy DVD series “Thou Shalt Laugh”

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_eFuvNv5vsk&w=420&h=315]
Classic misdirection.


So after watching her “perform comedy”, you’re assured that this isn’t a prank. She actually believes what she says when she says dudes kissing on Glee is “sickening” and that “homophobia is a buzzword created by liberals”.


To take the gag even further she starts a conservative round table youtube show called “PolitiChicks” which is essentialy The View if The View was done by four housewives who were scared shitless of muslims and gays because of conversations they overheard from their husbands. Here’s the first episode.

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EcCvvJWyx4c&w=560&h=315]


I suggest watching it twice. Watch it once thinking it’s just another conservative talk show. Kind of hard to get through, right? Now watch it again and realize that Victoria Jackson is fucking with them. Look at the way she hijacks the conversation 30 seconds in for a shitty, Islamophobic parody song that’s only half finished! At about 9 minutes in she actually says “Eric Holder and Janet Napolitano have dead eyes” as her eyes float around the room, making contact with nothing around her as if she doesn’t think her surroundings are even real! Fucking genius!


And now she was just on Fox and Friends explaining her political views like a concussed five year old and they fucking had to agree with her because she’s “a conservative”! It’s the perfect joke! She’s only on these shows to parody these people while they fucking nod their heads in agreement!


That has to be what she’s doing. The only other reasonable explanation for her behavior is that she’s an insane woman.

Excerpt From a Chat With Jena.

Posted on by
Reply

Jena
Also, I know what I’m getting you for Christmas

Bill
Christmas!
don’t tell me
I like surprises
I don’t know what to get you for christmas.
I’d sell my hair to buy you a watch strap but I don’t have hair and you don’t wear a watch

Jena
I have a christmas list on amazon

Bill
I could sell my pubic hair. Do people buy that?
I’m sure there’s a market for that.

Jena
Probably not
Maybe in Japan

Bill
“Why yes this does come from a schoolgirl, Mr. Stereotypical Japanese Businessman.”

Jena
Nice.

Bill
Best not to lie about that stuff. Don’t want to get reported to the BPBB
Better Pervy Business Bureau


The Better Pervy Business Bureau spontaneously formed in 1996 when Joe Francis bought his first camera.

The Art of Holding Fuckers Accountable.

Posted on by
2

I love the internet. I truly love it. Not just because it has all the porn ever for free or a million social networking sites for me to whore out my stupid comedy shows (although those two take a Pac-Man shaped bite out of the pie chart). The internet holds a special place in my heart because you get to chew fuckers out at the speed of thought. Big coporations, specifically.


Think about it. If you wanted to tell off a company for doing something awful back in the year nineteen-fuck-all you’d have to start a letter writing campaign, get a phone tree going or even publish a book before anything got done. These days, if a large corporation like PayPal does something like freezes the accounts of regretsy.com’s charity for bullshit reasons (click the link if you like being horribly outraged!), you can comment on their facebook page, you can email them via their website, you could leave a comment on their stupid blog. Hell, you could even call customer service at 1-888-221-1161 if you’re feeling old fashioned about it. It’s so easy!


Not only is it easy, it’s necessary. PayPal not only fucked up big time, they were dicks about it. Luckily, the internet provides us with the means to cram every single public relations orifice that PayPal has exposed with spite and condemnation.


The best part is that you can say whatever you want. As a company that relies on customers’ money, PayPal needs to play nice when addressing the public at large but you can tell them to fuck right off and they’ll still accept your business. Here’s what I posted on their wall –

“Hey, nice job on killing that kid’s charity. When it comes to keeping toys out of the hands of impoverished children, nobody beats PayPal!”


I also sent this email to them –

Your name
Ebeneezer Scrooge

Your message
Your stance on fucking the poor children out of gifts this Christmas is truly an inspiration! How dare regretsy try to give to the needy without navigating through your baffling terms of service first! Good for you!


This is how you affect change in the 21st century. You scream and thrash and tell everybody you know and show the bastards that you will not stop until they make it right. Good, clean fun and it’s totally free.

UPDATE PayPal has posted a tail-between-the-legs apology assuring the public that they are not, in fact, monsters that hate poor children. Or at the very least, they hate a million negative facebook comments more than poor children. Either way, the regretsy issue is being resolved. God bless us, everyone!

Liberal Muppet Conspiracy

Posted on by
5

I knew it. I fucking knew it. All those years of watching The Muppet Show and Muppet movies I could tell that they were brainwashing kids to grow up to be filthy, tree hugging liberals but I just couldn’t put together enough evidence to make my claims public. Thank god for Fox Business’ Follow the Money and their story on the new Muppet movie’s left leanings (click link for the video).


Busted, you bleeding heart muppets! You never had me fooled. I always knew Sweetums was just Michael Moore without his baseball cap.



If you think this is new, you’re dead wrong. The muppets have been infiltrating kids’ entertainment for years with their liberal agenda. Just look at the characters.


Animal: Obviously a long haired hippy.

Dr. Bunson Honeydew: Scientist. Probably believes in global warming and evolution.

Statler and Waldorf: Living high off social security with their balcony seat tickets.

Fozzie: Comedian. Possibly jewish.

Gonzo: Illegal alien.


It’s bad enough Sesame Street is teaching kids that poverty and AIDS exist. Figures that one of the largest corporations in the world (currently #226) would put out an anti corporation liberal agenda.

You Weirdos Will Never Stop Typing Crazy Shit Into Search Engines.

Posted on by
8

Welcome back to the third installment of the seemingly ongoing series “The Things You Weridos Type Into Search Engines” where I take a look at the google searches that bring people to this blog. It’s one of my favorites to write and everytime I think something like “shitting while standing bad for health”can’t be topped, the next day I get “an evil sea creature for kids shark”. Let’s see what we got just in the last 30 days.


young and naive, gay and canadian
Searching for sex or the latest Bryan Adams album? Boom! Take that, Bryan Adams!


are most female gym teachers lesbians
I’m glad this person wasn’t so prejudiced that they’d ask google if ALL female gym teachers are lesbians, just most.


men playing with their uncircumcised penis
The whole uncircumcised penis thing has been a recurring theme since I did a blog about Foreskin Man but this exact wording got three hits in a week! I actually googled it, thinking the blog would show up on the first page but I couldn’t find it in the first 20 pages. Why are so many people searching so hard for this?


I can’t stop farting and it’s affecting my job and I can’t stop farting documentary
These were two different searches on two different days. I like to think that it’s the same guy. First he got fired from his job because he farted too much and then he wanted to make a movie about it.


if you are shot in the military are you still a veteran
…what? Did some veteran think his service was invalid because he was shot in the line of duty? If you’re still reading, person who typed this, yes. You’re still a veteran. I think you even get a medal of some sort. You should probably talk to a commanding officer about that.


shower, -meteor, -meteorite, -baby, -wedding, -curtain
Rock and roll! Cola wars! I can’t take it anymore!


perverted penguin drinking beer
… I don’t… what?


I could honestly do one of these every week and not run out of material.

p.s. hey other wordpress bloggers who follow me! Leave a comment with the weirdest search engine terms you’ve found in the stats! Challenge (takes off glove, slaps you in the motherfucking face with glove)!

Does Anybody Even Like This Stupid Lying Bitch?

Posted on by
6

So the other day Michele Bachmann said if she were president, we wouldn’t have an American embassy in Iran. The US hasn’t had an embassy in Iran since 1980 but no big surprise there. Between John Wayne, Elvis, the Founding Fathers, first shots fired etc. etc. I think most of the American people have just become used to Bachmann’s constant stream of misinformed bullshit word salad. It’s like every time she has to go in front of a camera or crowd she has an aide punch her in the side of her head as hard as they can. She sounds punch drunk.


To make things even better, she’s now flat out denying that her statement was false. The balls on this woman!


From a statement from her campaign, “Congresswoman Bachmann is a member of the House Select Committee on Intelligence and is fully aware that we do not have an embassy in Iran and have not had one since 1980,” said the statement. “She was agreeing with the actions taken by the British to secure their embassy personnel and was speaking in the hypothetical, that if she was President of the United States and if we had an embassy in Iran, she would have taken the same actions as the British.”


Oh, so that’s what she meant. I guess it’s everybody else’s fault for not reading her goddamned mind.


Whatever. It’s not the first time she’s been a dumb asshole and it won’t be the last. This recent story just made me think… does anybody like her?


I know that most of the people reading this tend to be liberal but is there anybody out there who would honestly vote for Michele Bachmann? I know a few republicans and libertarians and tea partiers but I’ve never had a conversation with anybody who actually likes her.


It’s gotta be tough for the Bachmann supporter (if they exist). Constantly defending her misstatents, gaffes, hiding in bushes to spy on gay rallies, her crazy eyes.

She got crazy eyes. This isn't even a "gotcha" shot. This is like her congressional class photo.




I don’t even want somebody to try to convince me to like her, I just want to find somebody that admits they like her.


Are you out there?


Horseburgers.

Posted on by
6

Sometimes it’s actually hard to believe the economy is in the shitter. I’m poor as hell but I still have a phone that gives me high speed internet pretty much anywhere I go. I’m typing this post from one of the multiple computers in my home. All these cheap modern conveniences make it hard to identify with those great depression era pictures of dirty faced tramps standing in bread lines.


This is actually the line for the iPhone 4.




Certain things really put the current state of the economy in perspective though, like this story stating we may start slaughtering horses for food.


From the story, “Horses could soon be butchered in the U.S. for human consumption after Congress quietly lifted a 5-year-old ban on funding horse meat inspections, and activists say slaughterhouses could be up and running in as little as a month.”


Wait, 5-year-old ban? We were slaughtering horses for meat 5 years ago? I don’t remember seeing horse steaks at Cub Foods 5 years ago but I was a bachelor then and only went to the store five times a year.


According to the article, the last slaughterhouse that butchered horses closed in 2007 and most of the meat was sent off to foreign countries for consumption. Most of the meat. Where did the other stuff go? Have I eaten horse before and not known it? Did I like it?


The main reason, according to the pro-slaughter group United Horsemen (the fact that a pro-horse-slaughter group exists is hilarious), has stated that reopening horse slaughterhouses will create jobs. Horse slaughtering jobs.


Also from the article, “Sue Wallis, a Wyoming state lawmaker who’s the group’s vice president, said ranchers used to be able to sell horses that were too old or unfit for work to slaughterhouses but now they have to ship them to butchers in Canada and Mexico, where they fetch less than half the price.” So wait, we only get the shitty old horses to eat?


The group says that an entire section of the agriculture industry was crippled because people won’t eat horses purely out of “sentimental and romantic” reasons. Also, their manes make it look like they have people hair so that’s kind of weird.

Look at this and tell me you want to eat it.




When it comes down to it, you probably won’t see McDonald’s offering a horseburger anytime soon. This country has apparently been slaughtering horses for years and I’ve never seen it available. Who knows? Maybe it’ll become a high end fancy meat. There’s this place in uptown that will let you eat guinea pig for like $30.



All it takes is the right marketing. I say I’d never eat horse meat but if the Minnesota State Fair had deep fried horse on a stick next year, I’d probably try it. It worked for alligator meat.


What do you think? Leave a comment. Would you eat horse? How would you like it? Burger, steak, horse tacos? Did you imagine a horse in a sombrero when you read horse tacos? It’s okay, I totally imagined one while writing it.

Isaac is Such a Pussy

Posted on by
3

A few years ago I was driving back from Iowa with Mitch and Isaac after an awesome stand up show where the audience loved us forever. On I-35 in Iowa there’s a ten mile (at least) stretch where there’s no gas stations. We unfortunately hit that stretch right as we were running out of gas so Mitch shut off the A/C to conserve fuel. It was 90 degrees and sunny that day so it became uncomfortable real fast. Then this happened.


ISAAC: First one to roll down his window is a pussy.
MITCH: I’m not a pussy.
ME: I’m not a pussy.


5 minutes go by. We’re all sweating profusely.


ISAAC: Are you guys chilly?
ME: My nipples are hard.
MITCH: Bill, could you grab my sweater in the back seat? I don’t think I’m wearing enough layers.


5 more minutes. The temperature in the car is well over 100 degrees.


MITCH: Man, we are stupid.
ME: What’s the matter? (girly voice) Are you a little warm?
MITCH: What? No! I’m not a pussy.
ISAAC: It’s okay if you want to roll your window down. We won’t think less of you just because you’re a pussy.
ME: I will.
MITCH: I said I’m not a pussy! I like this! It’s good for the pores!


5 more minutes. No gas station in sight.


ME: Could you turn the heat on? I think I’m catching a cold.
ISAAC: Nice try. You probably want to roll your window down because you’re a pussy.
ME: You’d like that, wouldn’t you? You’d like that cool breeze on your pussy face.


We eventually find a gas station. Nobody has rolled down his window yet. We pull up next to a pump.


ISAAC: First one to open his door is a pussy.


Some more time passes.


ISAAC: So… do any of you need to use the bathroom?
ME: I’m fine. I’m actually going to lay down and take a nap because I’m so comfortable. When one of you pussies gets out of here and goes in to the gas station, could you get me a bowl of soup and a cup of hot cocoa?
MITCH: This is so stupid. Isaac, your knees are sweating.


I look down. My forearms are sweating. We all start laughing. Then we’re silent for a couple of minutes. Eventually –


ISAAC: Alright. (Opens door) I have to go in to –
ME: OH MY GOD YOU’RE SUCH A PUSSY!!!
MITCH: I knew he was the pussy!
ISAAC: Shut up, guys! I just need to go to the bathroom!


There’s more to this story but I passed out for several minutes and was visited by my spirit animal. It was a wolf. It told me to listen to the trees.

Duluth Testosterone Company

Posted on by
1

After having dinner with the family on Thanksgiving Jena and I went to some friends’ house for another dinner. I didn’t complain because they’re cool people and I’m such a pig that I can eat two whole Thanksgiving dinners and still have room for pie. After dinner we all chatted and a couple of friends were talking about the awesome firehose pants they bought from Duluth Trading Company. You may have seen billboards or commercials for them. They sell clothing with names like “ballroom jeans” and long tail shirts that fix “plumbers crack”. Their advertising focuses on one point. This is guy stuff.


It's like Santa and the Bounty Paper Towel guy had a manbaby.




Having never bought anything from Duluth Trading Co. before, my friends started extolling the virtues of the items and handed me a catalog full of burly, barrel chested descriptions of unbreakable flannel and bulletproof boots. Even the women’s scented hand cream is packaged to look like it’s used to fix leaky plumbing.


It's also a hot sauce




While the manly descriptions didn’t fill me with the urge to go out and buy a vest made out of asphalt or whatever, it did make me want to write for the catalog. What a sweet writing gig. I’m going to send a few samples to see if I can get in on the action here.


Man Hatchet


THE MAN HATCHET

Whether you’re taking revenge on the bear that killed your father, chopping down trees for a crude shelter or cutting beef jerky into bite size pieces for your infant son, the Man Hatchet is a must have in every tool belt. The man hatchet comes with a rubberized grip to stay secure in your rough, calloused hands and a stainless steel blade that can cut through anything the forest has to offer. Perfect for father’s day.


Kevlar Underpants


KEVLAR UNDERPANTS

Are you sick of your boxers being torn up by your powerful man-farts? Made from the same stuff law enforcement uses to protect their boys in blue, you can cover your boys in confidence knowing your shorts won’t buckle under the pressure. A layer of coal is wedged inside the fabric to soak up the stink so you don’t have to leave the chili cook-off every time you have to cut one. If you can blow a hole in them, we’ll gladly refund your money and send an official from the Guinness Book of World Records to bestow you with the title of “most powerful fart”.


I really hope I can get the job. I hear they pay you in beaver pelts and raw steaks.

Screwing With Spambots.

Posted on by
5

I got a friend request on facebook today from a girl. She’s hot, lists her interests as “partying” and “working out” and only has 13 friends. Honestly, it’s like the spambots aren’t even trying anymore.


Friend me so I can tag you when I post links to viruses and porn tee hee!




There’s just something so impersonal about a spambot. If you’re going to try to scam me or infect my computer I’d like a little human interaction. Call me old fashioned but I miss the days when you could have a real live person look you in the eyes while he swindled you for everything you were worth.


If I seem a little passionate about the subject it’s because I had a scammer contact me on facebook. Not a bot but an actual person who talked with me as he or she tried to get $6,000 from me. What we had was real. Her name was Laura Jones and we had a back and forth via facebook messaging. Here’s our story.


Laura Jones
hello
pls am laura by name you may not know me befor am single and pls am hee for your help am in need of $6000 for operation i got accident and i have been looking for whome for help me but no one thats why am sending you this message now but i will eb very happy if you can help me out with any amount you think you can pls

Bill Young
Wow. I’m really sorry and I’d be glad to help out but I can only spare about $2000 right now. What is the operation for?

Laura Jones
am having problem with my heart thats why pls any amount you think you can offer me pls GOD will be with you no amount is much and no one is small pls

Bill Young
Well I’d love to help you out but there’s one problem. I’m a satanist and I can’t help out anyone that doesn’t share my faith. Would you accept the dark lord into your heart?

Laura Jones
well is thats the way for you to help me am ready ok …………pls am ready ok and am doing all with my faith of satanist
well is thats the way for you to help me am ready ok …………pls am ready ok and am doing all with my faith of satanist
pls am ready to any thing you want pls help me out pls with any amount you are having pls

Bill Young
Great! I’m so glad you decided to come into the fold. It will take a little more commitment than just saying you’re a Satanist, though. You’re going to have to prove your faith to the Prince of Lies. I know you need this operation soon so I’ll just need you to do two things before I send you the money.

1. Tattoo the mark of the beast (666) somewhere on your body. Doesn’t matter where (I have it on my lower back) but it needs to be at least two inches tall.

2. A lock of hair from somebody has wronged you. This will be used in your first revenge ritual. It’s really fun.

Just take care of those things and I can get you the money. I checked with my bank and I should be able to swing about $3000.

Laura Jones
ok well how do i do all this things now pls tell me pls am in pain pls

Bill Young
Tell you what, we can go through the initiation together and then I can give you the money. Where are you located?

Laura Jones
am in nigerian hospital now where am being given treatment ok


That was the last I heard of her. The account was deleted. Somebody must have reported her.



Goodbye, Laura Jones of Nigeria. I’ll never forget what you said to me. “no amount is much and no one is small pls.”