Hey, Billophiles! I’m still sick so once again instead of posting original content I’m just going to rip on an internet humor site that’s wildly more popular than mine will ever be. Enjoy!
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Like Yesterday’s Thing but With More Internet
Hey guys! I’m sick as hell, don’t really have any funny stories in my pocket to post and the biggest news thing right now is the whole Penn State pedo thing so instead of generating new content I’m just going to do yesterday’s story again as told by memes and hope it goes viral and I get internet famous. Whatever. I’m going to nap and eat cough drops. Enjoy!
How to Fake a War on Christianity Featuring Pastor Michael Salman
DID YOU KNOW THAT THE GOVERNMENT IS CRACKING DOWN ON CHRISTIAN PRAYER?!?
Oh… you didn’t know that? That’s probably because it’s not a real thing. Christianity is safe in the U.S.A. Ain’t nobody gonna kick Jesus out anytime soon.
In fact, Christianity is so safe in this country that it thinks “persecution” means “not getting to do every fucking thing you want all the time ever forever”. Christianity is the rich kid at America High and their version of persecution is getting a different car than the one they wanted for their 16th birthday. Waaaaahhh.
That’s kind of harsh. I really don’t have a mad on for Christianity. What I hate is when some Christians in this country try to create a martyrdom where is none. They think a loss in privilege means a loss in freedom so they lash out at any and all perceived threats. Then they spin the story to make them seem like the put upon victim. I found a perfect example yesterday in this story on foxnews.com’s front page –
Oh shit!
What? No way!. I read the story thinking that maybe the headline was just meant to shock you into reading but once you got to the story it’d be a lot tamer but it wasn’t! Here’s the story –
Michael Salman is this god fearin’ dude that loved to get together with his pals and read some bible in his living room every week. Pretty soon some more friends wanted in on the bible study and after a while over a dozen people were doing this and his living room was getting a little cramped. He built himself a little secondary building where he and his bible buddies could get their pray on but the city government slapped him with a citation, saying if over a dozen people are gonna pray in a building it needs to be classified as a church (or a public school if you’re Texas). Michael Salman tried to explain that they weren’t a church, he wasn’t collecting money, they were just praying in his backyard shed. The city told him to stop but you can’t stop a good Christian from reading the bible with a dozen or more friends so now he’s serving 60 days in jail! Jail! For reading the bible!
This can’t be right. I googled “Michael Salman” to see if I could get a side of the story that isn’t so “Fox Fair and Balanced” but it seemed that the only news sites other than Fox that were reporting it were even more conservative than Fox. The Blaze, The Examiner and The Christian Post all told the same story, each posting the same picture of Pastor Salman surrounded by his loving family –
“Don’t send our daddy to prison!”
their respective comments sections filled to the brim with all caps declarations on how religious freedom in this country is eroding and how Muslims are probably responsible.
Funny thing about that story is that it’s like at least %50 bullshit.
Turns out the Alt Weekly for Phoenix has been doing stories on this guy since day 1 (check them out here!). Here’s the abridged version –
* Michael Salman moves to this nice, quiet neighborhood where the houses have big back yards. He’s a man who likes him some God. He’s a minister for Harvest Christian Fellowship and holds small services in his living room when not preaching on youtube about how you shouldn’t be nice to people who hold different beliefs than you –
[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iiANZHWx-84&w=420&h=315]
He wants to build a big ol’ church with a basketball court and daycare center and a giant inflatable Jesus floating around (okay I made that last one up) in his backyard.
* Salman’s neighbors ain’t exactly pleased with sharing a back yard with a mega church since that’ll send the property values plummeting and turn their quiet little neighborhood into a loud, congested mess.
* Neighbors fight Salman and win. He can’t build a church in his back yard. Salman withdraws his church plans and then submits plans to the city planner to build a “game room” in his backyard. The city planner, recognizing him from five minutes ago, asks if he’s going to use this game room as a Church. Michael Salman says he will not use the room as a public church. This is a lie.
* Neighbors tip off the cops that Salman might be having church in his “game room”. Salman says it’s merely a bible study and not a church. In his game room are 140 seats, a podium and a portrait of the last supper. You know, like a church. There’s a six foot white cross on his front lawn next to a four by eight foot sign for announcements. You know, like you’d see in front of a church. 50 or more people (numbers vary depending on who you ask) gather there every Sunday to hear Michael Salman, who they call “pastor”, talk about the bible for 1-2 hours. You know, like a church.
* Cops and city inspectors remind him that they said he can’t have a church there. They also point out that his game room is horribly unsafe and there’s a reason commercial zoning is different than residential. See, if you plan on having over 50 people in a place on a weekly basis, you need to make sure that there’s fire sprinklers, properly marked exits, handicap access and permanent wiring as opposed to just a bunch of extension cords (just a few of the dozens of code violations).
* Salman gets warnings, tickets and numerous letters from the city stating he can’t have a church in his back yard. Rather than trying to reach a compromise with neighbors (all who hate him now. His next door neighbor successfully filed a restraining order against him) or complying with the city, he just keeps on Churching and ignoring everybody. Eventually the citations pile up and now he has to go to jail.
So there you go. Michael Salman didn’t go to jail for hosting a home bible study. Despite what Fox, Glenn Beck, The Examiner etc. would have you believe, nobody’s going to jail for having a few friends over to read the bible. Michael Salman went to jail for having a church in his backyard, lying about it, pissing off his neighbors, putting his parishioners in danger by gathering in an unsafe building and ignoring multiple warnings from the city. He’s not a martyr or an example of the erosion of religious freedoms. He’s a stubborn man who thinks religious freedom means immunity from everything.
So shut up, Christians. You’re fine. Nobody’s persecuting you so wipe the tears from your eyes and go back to trying to run everything.
CONvergence Remembered (hazily).
Another year of CONvergence is gone and while I’ll miss it terribly, I’m so glad it’s over. Between performing in ten shows and working the Stand Up! Records party room I didn’t get to see much of the convention but I was able to get a lot of the late night experience and here’s a few impressions that I’m left with about the convention and nerds in general.
Nerds are all a bunch of goddamn pervs.
It’s true. Remember the Convergence Cosplay Bingo Board square that just said “Bondage gear that probably has nothing to do with sci-fi fandom”? That one was pretty easy to fill.
Only one person brought the board back to me with coverall. I taped it up to the wall of the party room. Apparently “Waldo” was the hardest one to find. No joke.
Here’s another example. I went to craigslist personals and typed “Con” into the search bar. this is just one of the ads that came up.
CON .. – m4w – 26
Date: 2012-07-09, 9:37AM CDT
Reply to: 9jcds-3127839842@pers.craigslist.org
You attempted to whip me.. I know you couldnt let loose but I forgive you and thank you for the good time
it’s NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: 3127839842
If that ain’t enough, here’s a little ditty from my Friday night wanderings. I was waiting to go to the bathroom by the pool area. This particular bathroom was in a hallway a bit out of the way from the room parties next to the sauna. While I waited an employee or CON volunteer (they were all wearing CON shirts and headsets) rushed past me and shouted into his headset “can we get somebody to lock up the sauna? People keep having sex in there!” So there’s that.
When nerds party, they party like it’s the goddamn end of the world.
Since I had to perform and work the party room and blah blah, most of my partying happened after we closed up shop in the SuR room on Saturday (don’t get me wrong, I did my fair share of drinking while performing and working as well). Saturday night was goddamn madness. People were drinking and dancing like they were about to go to war the next day. I’d love know exactly how much booze was consumed because at our party room alone we handed out 20 cases of PBR Tall Boys and like a case and a half of Schwartzhog Liqueor –
It’s like Jag but better and not just because they sponsored our room and this might show up if they do a search on their product.
Seriously. These people were drinking like they had bionic livers. Vikings fresh off a pillage don’t drink like these people. I’ve been to every type of party you can imagine in my adult life and never did people down alcohol like they did at CONvergence. I tried to keep up and my hangover lasted for two solid days. I may as well have just hit myself over the head repeatedly with the bottles of booze rather than drink it because the end result would have been exactly the same. I drank so much I saw my spirit animal. Either that or a furry that I thought was a spirit guide.
I salute you, fellow nerds.
Everybody is awesome.
Everybody I interacted with was incredibly friendly and helpful. The convention organizers, volunteers, guests of the party room and audience members for the shows were just amazing. I met a lot of new friends and complete strangers came up to me and told me they like the blog (thanks!). The boozing and making fun of pervs is all well and good but this is the reason I’ll keep coming back.
My wife is the most awesome.
Jena Young is the person who got me my first pass to CON (not counting the one time I went briefly for The Scope podcast). She’s the one (along with the also great but less sexy Gus Lynch) who organized and ran the SuR party room. She’s the one who allowed me some time to sneak off from my party room duties for a while and run around. I owe a lot of people for the fun I had last weekend (special thanks to Dan Schlissel for producing the SuR party room and Gus for the HarmCon shows) but Jena made this happen for me and for that she deserves nothing but praise and footrubs.
So that was my CONvergence experience. Feel free to tell me yours in the comments. What did you love/hate/etc.?
See you nerds next year!
Stupid Internet Costing Stupid Money
Hey, gang! Looks like the Doubletree in Bloomington charges ten bucks a day so I’m posting this from my cellphone. I’m not about to type three hundred words with my thumbs so this is all you assholes get until Monday. If you happen to be at CONvergence I’ll be at the Stand Up! Records party room (Cabana 128) telling jokes and drinking myself into an ulcer. Hooray!
It’s Here! CONvergence Cosplay Bingo Board 2012!
Here you go kids! As promised, I have a new cosplay bingo board set up based upon some of the squares from the previous year’s board and some based on reader comments! We’ll have a whole bunch printed up and available for free at the Stand Up! Records party room (Cabana 128) so grab a board and try to get coverall! Turn it back in covered and you’ll get a fabulous prize (not really)!
Click for a printable version!
Prom’s Coming and Romney’s Choices for Dates Are Not Looking Good
MSNBC has an article today speculating who Romney’s going to pick for his running mate. They’re calling it the “Veepstakes” because the only way they can try to make this sound remotely interesting is with a shitty pun.
Seriously. The stuff they’re speculating is just a bunch of bottom of the barrel no names and gimmicks. The primaries were such a bloodbath that anybody who lasted more than two weeks is out of the running because they probably had a TV ad about how Romney eats babies. Let’s look at the people that the media thinks Romney might pick.
Chris Christie
Gov. Christie singing with his band Blues Traveler.
Alright. I could talk about his years as a shameless lobbyist fighting for the government to deregulate energy companies (because the last thing they need is a tight leash) and easing up laws on securities fraud (because who really gets hurt in that?), his crazy budget slashing as NJ governor or his mob ties but let’s just shelve all that and poke fun at his weight.
Seriously, his name sounds like a chain of steak houses and he looks like he’s eaten a chain of steakhouses, booths and all. He’ll probably turn down Romney just because he’s scared that being a running mate may involve actual running. Ba-Zing!
It’s okay. I can make these jokes. I’m fat.
Kelly Ayotte
I see what you did there…
I get it. Going the Palin strategy of an attractive woman nobody’s heard of but this time make her a little less attractive so people don’t just automatically assume she’s a ditz. Maybe do a little research this time around and actually make sure she’s not a ditz (have her name a newspaper, make sure she doesn’t say things like as a resident of New Hampshire she can see Canadians out of her back yard or whatever).
Here’s the problem. She’s a little bit Palin and a little bit Bachmann. Ayotte’s batshit crazy and a total crusader. As a prosecutor in New Hampshire she sought the death penalty for a guy who murdered an off duty cop rather than life without parole. The main criticism comes from the fact that the death penalty is super expensive, costing over $2mil in appeals to date. It’s going to cost even more because New Hampshire hasn’t executed somebody in over 70 years. They don’t even have a facility to do so. They’re gonna have to drop another $3mil on top of all the appeals cost to build a facility just to kill this dude.
She also took a suit against Planned Parenthood all the way to the Supreme Court. She lost and had to pay Planned Parenthood’s attorney fees.
Rob Portman
Senator Whitebread McWhogivesashit
Rob Portman is a seven term (yawn) Congressman turned Senator from Ohio (yipee!). He… was the director for, oh God, the Office of Budget Management andas;dlkur zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz (snore). My money’s on this guy.
Pawlenty!
T-Paw!
I really hope Pawlenty gets the nomination. Don’t get me wrong, I hate his politics. I just felt bad for him after his 11th hour snub in 2008. He pretty much thought he was going to get that nomination only to get beat out by Palin. All those years of ass kissing, ladder climbing and saying what he thought people wanted to hear and that was the thanks he got. You can’t help but feel sorry for the guy.
He’d probably make a fine running mate, too. He’s very obedient and if you throw a sweater vest on him he’ll kind of look like Santorum so that’ll get the crazy fundamentalist Christians on your side.
Santorum or Pawlenty in a sweater vest? Can you tell the difference?
Whatever Romney decides I’m sure it will be awful.
Wading Through the Waist-High Pile of Metaphoric Shit That is Local Radio
I’ve never liked popular music.
That sentence sounds so goddamn pretentious and hipster but I’m really just trying to set up the fact that local radio isn’t for me. My tastes tend more towards punk/indie rock so local radio doesn’t really have what I need. That’s okay because I have a smartphone that I can hook up to my car and play Pandora, download music or comedy podcasts while I drive. That hasn’t really been available to me for the last week, though.
My sister has been out of town on vacation and I’ve been cat sitting for her while she’s gone. She’s letting me use her car while she’s away and I’ve been taking full advantage of it as her little car get’s a lot better milage than my 1997 Grand Marquis –
Old people like these because it reminds them of the tanks they drove in WWII
but there’s no place to plug in my futurephone to get my pandora, music and podcasts so I’ve been listening to the radio. Here’s the preset stations I’ve been listening to –
The Current (89.3 FM):
Okay. This is my go-to station. It’s run by Minnesota Public Radio and they actually play some good stuff. They don’t always have what I want but back when I listened to radio in my pre-smartphone days they were what I listened to. Okay music, no commercials. I turn the radio on and they’re in the middle of their fucking pledge drive.
I get it. They need the pledge drive. They rely on listener support to be commercial free and play what they want blah blah. I get that it’s necessary but I haven’t listened to them in a year. I’m not going to sit around and listen to them blather about how the pledge drive is needed to have me enjoy the station if I haven’t been enjoying the station for a year. Not to mention the couple of songs I did hear just sounded like I got hit in the neck with a tranquilizer dart while a guy with a beard whispers in my ear about swamps or something.
Radio K (770 AM):
This station isn’t on my sister’s presets but I switched to here after getting fed up with the panhandling and narcoleptic indie-folk whatever they were playing on The Current. Radio K is the U of M college station and was the first radio station I’ve ever liked. Why did I ever stop listening to it?
Turning the station on I remembered why. It’s a college AM radio station. The songs all sound like an angry teenager screaming at you through a tin can and string telephone.
Kool 108 (107.9 FM):
Maybe I’m just too old for college radio (I am). I’m getting old. I’ll check out the oldie’s station. I’m not a big oldies fan but maybe they’ll have some CCR or something.
I turn it to Kool 108 and they’re playing Michael Jackson. Not the Jackson Five. Michael Jackson. Beat it. He’s on the oldies station. That can’t be right. He was popular when I was a kid. Oldies are stuff my dad listens to. Oh God, I’m getting “oldies” old.
“Beat It” is 29 years old. If “Beat It” got a girl pregnant right out of high school “Beat It”‘s kid would be going into middle school next year.
KS95 (94.5 FM), KTwin (96.3 FM), KDWB (101.3 FM) and Jack 104 (104.1 FM)
These all get lumped into the same category because as far as I can tell, they’re the same station. I’ve flipped back and forth between them and I think they only play Gotye’s “Somebody That I Used to Know”, Carly Rae Jespen’s “Call Me Maybe” and a third song that’s different for each station so you can tell them apart. At one point I flipped from one station playing “Somebody That I Used to Know” to another station playing a remix of the same song.
At one point Jack 104 threw to a bumper that said “LISTEN TO JACK AT WORK (beeping noise, car tires screeching, space laser sound effects)! (sarcastically) It’s either that or a podcast of ‘All Things Considered'”.
I’ve never listened to “All Things Considered”, I’m not even sure of what they talk about but I would fucking kill for some “All Things Considered” right about now.
Let’s Piss Even More People Off.
I know that yesterday’s post was a bit polarizing. While I didn’t get any negative feedback I know that there are readers and friends that have opposing political views that might have been pissed off by what I wrote and that’s okay. I’m just one guy and when it comes down to it my blog doesn’t really affect any change. World keeps spinning.
So as long as I’m saying things people may not like I’m going to throw this out there. I think you should be able to wear socks with sandals.
The horror!
I’ve held this opinion for a long time. I’ve only shared it with a few people because for some reason the image of a foot wearing both a sock and sandal brings out the deepest hatred in most people.
Kill it! Kill it with fire!
I don’t wear socks with sandals. I’d like to but I’m afraid I’ll get lynched by an angry mob. It’s just not worth the risk for me.
[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B7En0z2A38c&w=560&h=315]
I know people have their reasons. On the rare occasion where I feel safe enough to tell somebody that I think it’s okay to wear socks with sandals I’m met with utter contempt. The weirdest thing is that the biggest offense people point out to me is not that it looks stupid (and I’ll admit it kind of looks stupid) but that it defeats the purpose. “If it’s too hot for shoes then it’s too hot for socks as well”. That’s like saying if it’s too hot for jackets then it’s also too hot for shirts.
Hate me all you want, America. I’m only speaking from the heart and standing up for what I believe in.
Here’s something the mainstream media won’t tell you about socks with sandals. It’s comfortable.
Think about it. Just put away your prejudice away for a second and hear me out. Have you ever worn sandals all day? Maybe you go to a street festival or outdoor concert? It’s hot as hell (which is why you’re wearing sandals), your feet sweat and rub against the straps and now you’ve got a scrape on the top of your foot. It sucks and now you can’t wear sandals again until it’s healed because it’ll just make it worse otherwise. That wouldn’t have happened if you were wearing socks.
Why do you think old people and Europeans wear socks with sandals? Because they fucking know it’s comfortable and doesn’t care what society has to say. Nobody under the age of 60 in America will go out in public with socks and sandals because they fear the ridicule. It’s bullying. You should all be ashamed of yourselves.
Come on! Who’s with me?
…anybody?
Shit. Fine. I don’t need your support. History will absolve me.
VIVA!
OBAMACARE!
THE SUPREME COURT UPHELD OBAMACARE 5-4, MUTHAFUCKAS!
This post isn’t going to debate whether they were right or wrong. This isn’t about trying to explain to the detractors that while Obamacare certainly has it’s flaws, it’s good for the country. This is simply gloating.
BOOM, BITCHES.
This post is all about poor sportsmanship. This is about doing the entire Thriller dance at the goal line, beginning to end, after scoring a glorious fucking touchdown. Congress passed it, the President signed it and the Supreme Fucking Court upheld it! We won! You lost! Booyah!
I don’t care if you think you think Obamacare is going to make us a communist country and it’s going to make the government round up all the senior citizens and shoot them and turn them into soylent green. I don’t care if you think people are going to jail and you’re going to have to wait five years to get a broken arm fixed. I don’t care if you think this is the end of democracy.
I think you’re wrong, but I don’t care. I don’t have to argue with you anymore. Obamacare was upheld by the supreme court and there’s nothing you can do about it! Ha!
I could try to convince you that it was the right decision. I’ve argued in favor of Obamacare many a time but now I don’t have to! It doesn’t matter if you like it, you just have to fucking deal with it.
Go ahead. Tell me I’m wrong. I invite anybody who disagrees with me to leave as lengthy a comment as they like detailing their views. You can back it up with links and statistics and personal stories all you like. I will simply respond with “nyah fucking nyah”.
This is America. If you don’t like it here, you can always move to Canada.