Beer Bonging Buttholes Banned

In the proud college fraternity tradition of strangely combining homophobia and homoeroticism, a University of Tennessee student was hospitalized with a blood alcohol content of nearly .45, allegedly achieving the nearly fatal alcohol poisoning via alcohol enemas`. The student vehemently denied he did such a thing but bloodstains and eyewitnesses confirm that he was, as the Knoxville News Literally called it several times in their article about the incident, “butt chugging.



The craziest part of this story isn’t even how college kids are now apparently shoving boxed wine up their rectums to get drunk quicker (to be fair, have you tasted the boxed stuff?), it was the statement that was released by the Pi Alpha Kappa Fraternity after the… butt chugging incident happened in a Pi Alpha Kappa house.


“The recent allegations against these individuals have come as a complete shock to The Pi Kappa Alpha International Fraternity, its 15,000 undergraduate members and over 200,000 living alumni, family and friends,” the statement lied. “Pi Kappa Alpha’s mission is to develop men of integrity, intellect and high moral character and to foster a truly lifelong fraternal experience. These alleged activities are clearly not consistent with that mission, nor are they representative of what the fraternity would expect from any of its members.”



Come on, Pi Alpha Kappa, don’t try to blow Franzia up our asses. It’s one thing to condemn the actions of your members but don’t act surprised that there’s been an alcohol poisoning at a goddamn fraternity! You might as well act surprised that there was a date rape at a fraternity. Or act surprised when a hazing incident at a fraternity goes horribly awry, seriously injuring and sometimes even killing a pledge. Or act surprised when systematic cheating on tests goes on in a fraternity…



Wait, why the hell do we still have these things around anyway?

except as the settings for shitty straight-to-video National Lampoon movies.

What the Fuck Happened With Mitt Romney?

Not once this year have I been worried that Mitt Romney would win this election. There have been moments that I’ve heard people defend some awful thing he’s said that made me scratch my head but never have I thought he could actually win this thing. Obama’s got this, plain and simple.

Despite my confidence in Obama winning this election, Mitt’s been at least holding his own so far but the last couple of weeks he seemed to transform from a somewhat viable candidate to a completely unelectable mess of a ruthless capitalist –



[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0EsxNYXW5i8&w=560&h=315]



with a complete disdain for half of the country –



[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nvqHERTcytI&w=560&h=315]



who either doesn’t know how healthcare works for the uninsured or doesn’t care –



[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LOWzn6JCmEo&w=560&h=315]



and somehow has fallen under the shadow of his charismatic running mate –



[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SclDiN-lcYE&w=560&h=315]



Dude… what the fuck? I knew he was going down but I didn’t expect him to shoot himself in the foot this badly.



Listen, I keep telling you guys I’m horrible at photoshop. Whatever. You get the joke here.





I’m starting to feel bad for the poor guy. A recent guardian poll that utilizes an odd infographic of the two candidates holding balloons shows Obama securing 319 electoral votes to Romney’s 191 (with 12 electoral votes up for grabs). Why is Mitt still doing this? Why does he push on with all the polls against him, when every time he opens his mouth he says something dumber and more out of touch? Who does he have in his corner that gives him the confidence to keep doing this?



[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7ud3pK5Wa90&w=560&h=315]



Boom. Chuck Norris backs Romney.



Well, he doesn’t exactly back Romney. In fact, he didn’t even mention his name the entire video. He just implied that you shouldn’t vote for Obama because of socialism and 1,000 years of darkness.



Seriously, Mitt Romney can’t even get some wacky conservative like Chuck Norris to back him completely and Chuck Norris backed Mike Huckabee in 2008!



[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MDUQW8LUMs8&w=420&h=315]



Poor Mitt. I’d feel bad for him if he wasn’t a greed fueled robot hell bent on forcing everyone in America to wear magic underwear.


Bill Nye the Badass Guy

Bill Nye is back in the public eye! The guy partially responsible for turning Millenials into a generation of nerds is now kicking creationist ass in the name of reason.


The scientist turned actor/comedian/kids’ show host is best known for his work in the mid ’90s on his show “Bill Nye the Science Guy” where he used his super science powers to answer the Insane Clown Posse’s questions years before they would even ask and on a level that even they can understand –



[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jnidJJFSaco&w=420&h=315]



These days though you can see him on youtube explaining why bible stories shouldn’t be taught in science classrooms –



[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gHbYJfwFgOU&w=560&h=315]



That video has gone viral now with over 4 million hits and stories from a bunch of major news outlets. The video has also drawn the ire of The Creation Museum, a place in Kentucky where you can see exhibits of man walking next to dinosaurs and half constructed “Noah’s Ark”.



I couldn’t be happier. The same guy who used Suicidal Tendencies song parodies to teach me about mammals is now arguing with the people who’s ideas drive me insane!



[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UiYeMntc9jE&w=420&h=315]



If Bill Nye ran for president I would totally vote for him. He should run in 2016. All he needs is the perfect running mate…



Boom.





Ladies and gentlemen, I think I just created the perfect campaign ticket.



NYE/DEGRASSE TYSON 2016. EVERYBODY GOES TO SPACE



I’m awful at photoshop but if anybody wants to make up a Nye/Degrasse Tyson campaign poster I’d gladly put it up here. Possible alternative campaign slogans –

*Less fighting. More robot fighting.

*A Telescope in every observatory.

*Because seriously let’s get a person on Mars.

*The Han and Lando of science!



I’d love to see that happen but I doubt it ever will. I’m just not sure America’s ready for a black vice president.

Once Upon a Time…

There was a beautiful princess that was captured by an evil warlock. The warlock wished to make her his bride but she refused. He attempted to win her with gifts, feats of magic and even threats to her family but with each attempt she simply said “only the pure have access to my heart”.



The warlock kept her locked in a tower for years. There were no doors to get in or out and only a single small window grated with iron bars but the princess never attempted to escape. When the warlock asked the princess why she didn’t even attempt to leave if she spurned his love so she replied “One day my rescuer will come and I will stand up and calmly walk out of this cold prison of yours”.



One day while the Warlock was trying in vain to win over his captive princess he heard something off in the distance. Slowly it grew louder and clearer, as if it was coming closer. “What could that be?” cried the Warlock. “There shouldn’t be anybody within miles of us!” The wizard looked into the forest but could see nothing as the sound grew louder, driving him mad. He reached out and with a wave of his hand he set the surrounding forest on fire but the sound still steadily increased as if it were coming closer! He shot lightning bolts wildly around him to try to stop the sound but nothing he did slowed it’s growing might.


He eventually pointed a finger at the princess and screamed “Is this what you want? I’ll kill her before I give her up, do you hear me? I’ll kill-” and before he could finish his sentence his head exploded. His body fell limp and hit the ground. The tower vanished in an instant and the princess floated softly to the ground. The sound that felled the wizard quieted in a slow decrescendo, putting out the forest fire as it left.



The princess knew what the sound was. It was the music of Denson & Young. She bowed her head slightly, smiled and said “thank you.”

You too can come hear the music that felled the evil wizard. Come see Denson & Young: 1000 Unicorn Whispers tomorrow night at the Comedy Corner Underground. A night of music, magic, comedy and free cookies await.

All the Bacon.

Last weekend I went out for my friend Josh’s bachelor party. I had a few drinks and ended up getting a ride home from my friend Brian. I always knew that Brian was a nice guy but that night I discovered he is an angel sent from bacon heaven to spread delicious pork related joy to all around him.



I got in his car that night and he took a five pound vacuum sealed slab of bacon and threw it on my lap and said “do you want this bacon? This restaurant I work for gave it to me a while back and I’m never going to use all of it.”



You’re goddamn motherfucking right I want that bacon. Look at that bacon –

Jared with TheBacon. Once the adoption paperwork goes through they will be brothers.





So much bacon. Think of all the things I can do with this bacon now that I have it. I could –


*Slow cook the whole slab and videotape myself eating it in one sitting, Man vs. Food style. Die almost immediately.

* Hang it off a rack and get in shape punching it.

* Carve it into a bacon sculpture. Try to get a new Minnesota State Fair tradition going. Bacon sculptures sound way better than butter sculptures (sorry, dairy farmers!).

* Throw the giant slab of bacon at criminals’ heads. Fight crime as the superhero “The Baconator” or, if Wendy’s sues, “Baconman”.

* Cut into strips, wrap myself in the strips and go out on Halloween as a Bacon Mummy. Spend all night running from dogs.

* Cut up and package, share with the wife and boy (boring!).


Whatever I do with it, one thing is for certain. I have so much bacon. So much…

Pardon me while I laugh maniacally for ten minutes straight.




Bacon!

Shit Romney

Well, looks like ol’ Mitt’s done it again and said a bunch of stuff that makes him look like some out of touch elitist that thinks poor people are subhuman creatures beneath his notice. Now this isn’t the first time he’s said some dumb rich guy shit but with less than 2 months left in the election the media’s acting like he just lost with this gaffe –


The New York Daily News. All the class and erudition of an average New Yorker.





Obama supporters are really capitalizing on this, too –



You know Romney would start with the west coast so his precious Utah would have a coastline view. Also because he hates gay people.





Really, it’s not that big of a deal. I mean, yeah. It was a shitty thing to say but Mitt Romney’s a shitty person. I believe now as I have since he threw his magic underwear in the ring that he can’t win this. If anything he’s probably threw out that “fuck all the poor people” line to energize the right wing base that refuses to trust him due to his universal health care and wacky religion. I expect to see a lot more hardline conservative behavior in the next few weeks.

Who knows? Maybe he’ll start executing retarded people and claiming there’s WMDs in Iraq. That’d get his base going.

An Outsider’s Guide to the Minnesota Renaissance Festival.

For the last four weekends my wife has been out in Chaska working the Minnesota Renaissance Festival. While I’ve never had a desire to work there I always enjoy going out a few times every year to hang out.



I never actually had been to the Ren Fest until I started dating Jena and I have to say, it’s really fun. I love eating the authentic medieval foods like fajitas and frozen cheesecake on a stick, playing authentic medieval carnival games like the batarang toss and watching authentic medieval entertainment like yo mama snaps.



The only authentic part of the Ren Fest is that you won’t see a lot of black people there.




While the Ren Fest is fun, it can certainly be overwhelming if it’s your first time there. Here’s a few things to look out for if you plan on breaking your Ren Fest cherry without a proper guide –


TURKEY LEGS
This is the unofficial symbol of Renaissance Festivals everywhere. It’s the first thing anybody thinks of if they don’t know much about Ren Fests. The giant turkey leg. The kind you can club somebody with. A big slab of meat that you throw your head at and rip the meat off like some barbarian motherfucker. I was totally excited to eat a turkey leg on my first trip to the Ren Fest but then about 2 dozen people who worked there looked at me like I was crazy. I guess they wrap the legs in spam, store them in a moist pit underground and have methed out teenagers wave them under a heat lamp for five minutes before spitting on them and selling them to you. I don’t know if any of that is true but I haven’t had a turkey leg at the Ren Fest yet and I don’t plan on it.



PEOPLE IN COSTUME
There’s a lot of people in costume there. Not employees, but patrons. They won’t just dress up in Medieval garb, either. These people will dust off pretty much any costume they have available –

Haven’t seen Gollum at the Ren Fest… yet. Also this is the fourth blog post of mine that contains this picture. Thanks for snapping it, Gus!





Last week I saw a guy in the parking lot wearing a giant banana costume and a jedi. It’s just like at the sci fi conventions. People want to wear these costumes in public, there’s only so many times a year they can do it and nobody at the Ren Fest will judge them.



CARNIES
These are the people that run the games at the Ren Fest. Most of them are human garbage. My first encounter with their lack of humanity was 3 years ago when I was walking around the Festival with my stepson. The woman at the dunk tank asked if I wanted to “make a lady really wet”. I pointed to the child in my care two feet away from me and said “hi. He’s 8. Please don’t be creepy.” She said “Come on, daddy. Gotta make him a man one of these days.” Last weekend I was walking by the carnival games when I heard one of the workers tell somebody in a wheelchair “Oh, lucky! You get to just sit and let people push you around all day!”



If the Ren Fest were Parks and Recreation the games workers there would be the librarians.



THE KING



This is your target.





The ultimate goal of the Renaissance Festival is to overthrow the king. Violence to take the throne was banned at the Ren Fest ever since King George beheaded King Richard in front of a crowd of 800 children from area elementary schools on a field trip in 1973. The current king Henry seized the throne in a bloodless coup in 2006. Should you get him to publicly admit defeat and hand you the crown you have all the rights and perks of the king during the Ren Fest. You get the crown, the cape, a half dozen guards with those funny looking spears and the right to sleep with any virgin employee of the Festival on the night before her wedding.



Hope this info helps! Enjoy!

TOPICAL JOKE BARRAGE!

Alright kids! Time for a new recurring post theme called “Topical Joke Barrage!” where I take a story out of the news and see how many different jokes I can make based on that premise! Let’s begin!


News story: Rotten Egg Smell Engulfs Southern California.



Guess the wind must have kicked up while Kim Kardashian had her legs open near the beach. Bam!


Looks like a wind must have blown through the beach while Paris Hilton sunbathed with her legs open. Boom!


I heard Lindsay Lohan was at the beach with her legs open when a wind blew through. Zing!


Must have been a wind that passed through Katy Perry’s legs while they were open at the beach. Ba-dum-dum!


It appears a wind picked up at the beach while Jonah Hill’s legs were open. Bing!


Seems Snooki was relaxing with her legs open while a wind blew threw the beach and subsequently, her legs. Kaboom!


Nicki Minaj beach wind legs open. Blam!


Something something beep bop doodily bip Miley Cyrus. Queef!





(celebrity names courtesy of tmz.com and jezebel.com).


Freedom is not Free.

MSNBC recently reported that the 9/11 memorial will cost $60,000,000 a year to operate. While many people are criticizing that the cost is far too high, the foundation that runs the memorial states that all the costs are necessary. Here’s just some of the unique features of the memorial and their projected costs.

$2mil: Fountain filled with bald eagle tears.

$7mil: Muslim detector.

$10mil: Research lab where geneticists are attempting to splice the DNA of Lee Greenwood and Toby Keith to create the perfect patriotic songwriter.

$1mil: Speaking fees for former President Bush to have weekly readings of “The Pet Goat”.

$600,000: Christian baby blood to be fed to the shape shifting lizards that live underground and shape world events to keep you complacent and asleep! Open your eyes and read some David Icke, man!

$2mil: Daily double feature of United 93 and World Trade center in Imax.

“Wild Bill Bauer Got me my Start in Comedy.”

Bill Bauer passed away last week. For the few reading this that may not know of him, he was a comedian. One of the first in the twin cities, actually. He and several other comics started doing their own regular show at a bar in Northeast Minneapolis called Mickey Finn’s when there was no other stand up comedy going on in the TC. That punk rock ethos helped turn this town to a place where young comics can get stage time every night of the week if they want to.



If that indirect infulence on the young comics of today wasn’t enough. Bill was tireless in trying to help young comics develop by getting them work. Just one scroll down his facebook wall and you’ll see dozens and dozens of comics posting things like “Wild Bill got me my start” and “Bill got me my first paid gig in comedy”. The man loved comedy and loved watching comics grow, to see potential turn into talent.



That being said, Bill Bauer did not get me my start in comedy.



(brief intro for non-comics or stand up fans. Stand up shows usually have 3 comics –
MC: First up, hosts the show. Does 10-15 minutes.
Feature: Middle act. Does about 20-30 minutes.
Headliner: Last comic. Does 45-60 minutes.)



I did work with him on my first feature gig on the road. It was at a hotel bar in Eau Claire, WI for 2 nights. Bauer was headlining and asked around for somebody new that could feature for him. A couple of people recommended me and I took the gig even though I was completely not ready to feature. I had been doing comedy for just a year and was not at all prepared to be on stage for 20 minutes but I jumped at the opportunity for paid work. Also, free hotel stay! Besides, I was sure that I could bullshit my way through that 15 minutes of material that I didn’t have by talking slower or crowd rap or… I really didn’t think it through.



That weekend I ate it. Hard. I don’t even remember what jokes I told but I do remember how long I went. 9 minutes the first night and 11 minutes the second. I blamed the crowd for “not getting me” because I was an arrogant douchey 19 year old and got drunk at the bar(I look way older than I am and bars never card the comedian) pissed off that the audience didn’t think 9 minutes of stammering nonsense was hilarious.



The morning after the last show I got a phone call from one of the people who recommended me. He asked how the weekend went and I told him that the crowd sucked and I went a little short but other than that I did pretty well. He said that Bill Bauer called him at 8 AM screaming over the phone “I can’t believe you recommended this guy to me! He’s not funny AT ALL! He doesn’t have a SINGLE JOKE!” I subsequently went on a rant about how Bauer’s just old, out of touch and doesn’t get how comedy works.



We drove back to the cities together and the only two things he talked about on the ride back were the problems with his car and the problems with my act. This pissed me off. I had a lot of pride attached to my comedy because it’s really the first thing in life I’ve ever made a serious effort to achieve. To have somebody flat-out say that I wasn’t good at it pissed me off to the point where I didn’t want to listen to anything he had to say. Anytime he came up in conversation the next few years I’d just talk about what an asshole he was.



Of course I was wrong. I ate shit two shows in a row and did less than half my time when I’m supposed to be setting the crowd up for him, the headliner. It took me years to realize what a dick I was. Looking back, I’m surprised I even got paid for that weekend considering how bad I fucked it up.



He didn’t hire me for 2 years after that and I don’t blame him. There’s no secrets in the stand up community so I’m sure he heard some of the horrible things I’ve said about him second hand. The next time I ended up working for him was for a New Year’s show 3 years later thanks to his son, Patrick.



Pat started doing open mics around town and the two of us became fast friends. He convinced his dad to bring me to feature a New Year’s show and even though Bill had every right to say no he still booked me. When I got to the show he said “now you know how I feel about your act but Patrick says you’re very funny so let’s see what you got.” I’ve worked for him many times since then. The last contact I had with him was two weeks ago when he booked me for his New Hope room in November.



Bill Bauer didn’t get me my start in comedy but he did give me a second chance. I gave him plenty of good reasons to just write me off but he didn’t. He listened to his son and decided to give me another shot.



To actually examine something from multiple angles even after you’ve formed an opinion on it is rare. So many people today are completely rigid and inflexible in their beliefs. It’s why being a “flip-flopper” is considered bad in politics. It’s like critical thinking is not in style. Bill Bauer possessed that skill and because of that I benefited in spite of myself.



Thank you, Bill. You will be missed.