Author Archives: Bill

Ann Coulter: Retarded.

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Ugh. Ann Coulter.







For all the politics and conservative bashing I do on this blog I’ve never really talked about Ann Coulter because she doesn’t seem real. Even the craziest republican politicians or news commentator knows not to go off and write books saying stuff like “Joe McCarthy was right!” –



You’re all Communists!





She’s like the extra strength, industrial grade conservative. Use her too much in the media and it can cause a rash but if applied as directed can effectively rile up the base.



Unfortunately it looks like Ann Coulter has not been getting enough attention or something because she totally called Obama a retard on twitter and when there was a bunch of backlash against it she did it again.



Let’s just push past the fact that this is the classic case of a kid repeating bad behavior because it got people to pay attention to her the first time. A lot of people are angry because using the “R” word is demeaning to people with disabilities but it’s cool. Ann Coulter is mentally disabled so she can use that word. She’s just taking it back for all the people with severe brain injuries that have felt the sting of that word coming hatefully off of somebody’s lips. By using the word she takes the power away from anybody who would use it against her.



Although this could cause a backlash from disabled people who would be offended that she’s trying to associate herself with them. Maybe that’s why they’re mad. I wouldn’t blame them.


A Story Where Some People Get Terribly Lost.

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Sometimes, as a joke, before googling something on my smartphone I’ll shout the question I want to google like it’s a computer from a ’80s TV show. “Computer! Tell me where to eat!” “Computer! What’s this rash from?” “Computer! How do I get out of an awkward interaction with a homeless person?” etc. etc. This weekend I found out that’s actually the preferred method of googling for some people. Here’s what happened.



I was featuring at the Joke Joint this weekend and hanging out after the Friday Late Show. Late shows are typically smaller, drunker and rowdier than the early shows. As a rule, people who come to the 8:00 show start drinking at 8:00. People who come to the 10:30 show usually started drinking around noon. The largest group in the late show, I found out, actually came to the club by accident.



Well, they wanted to see comedy, they just came to the wrong club.



See, they wanted to go see Bill Dwyer headline at the Skyline in Appleton, Wisconsin but the person in charge of navigating just googled “Bill Comedy”, skimmed past the pages of the two dozen guys named Bill who do comedy and are more famous than me (including Bill Dwyer) and clicked on the Joke Joint’s website. Knowing that they were supposed to go to Appleton, they set off in the complete opposite direction and drove an hour and a half more than they should have.



Here’s how to get to Appleton from Wassau.





Here’s how to totally not get to Appleton from Wassau.





That right there is lost. That is Christopher Columbus lost.



I don’t want to give them too much shit about this. They were a little rowdy but overall a great crowd and they really seemed to enjoy the show.



Also, they might find this blog post if they google “how to successfully go to a place you intend to visit”, find me by googling Bill Dwyer’s address and then accidentally kick my ass while trying to apologize or something.



Oh, Wisconsin.

Move Over, Obama Girl! There’s a Way Shittier Conservative Ripoff in Town!

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When it comes to political beliefs, so much of it is debatable opinion. What I think is right for this country can be wildly different from what somebody else thinks. So little of politics is actual verifiable fact but whatever you believe there is at least one undeniable truth in politics. Republicans suck at political comedy. Don’t believe me?



[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6o_3UIhK-Pw&w=420&h=315]



I’m so very sorry if you just watched that. Nobody should ever be subjected to The Half Hour News Hour but I’m trying to make a point here and I think I succeeded.



If that wasn’t example enough for you, we have this –



[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yyrN17jAiDw&w=560&h=315]



That’s Paul Ryan Girl. It’s a…parody of Obama Girl I guess? I think they’re trying to be funny, right? They did a song parody of “Let’s Get Physical” because he’s into P90X and this strung out crackwhore shows up who’s supposed to be the Obama Girl but she likes Paul Ryan now? Take that, Obama Girl and Obama!



In an interview with Sean Hateity the actress said that most of the negative feedback has just been superficial stuff like she’s not as Obama Girl which is weird because there’s totally a bunch of non superficial things wrong with this. Let’s start with the fact that Paul Ryan isn’t running for President. Why no Mitt Romney Girl? Why can’t this poor guy step out of the shadow of his running mate? Is it because he doesn’t look as good shirtless or is it harder to find shirtless pics of him because of the whole Mormon underwear thing?



Not mine. Click the pic for more Arrested Development quotes on campaign pics.





Also, the Obama Girl video was an original song. This is a parody. It’s the lowest form of musical comedy. Only one person in the world gets to get away with doing parody songs and that’s Weird Al. This ain’t Weird Al.



Also Obama Girl’s way hotter.


Ain’t No Party Like a Third Party!

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I learned a couple of things yesterday:

1. Larry King is still alive –



King at the 2010 Emmys.





2. He’ll be hosting the Third Party Presidential Candidate Debate on October 23rd.



3. There’s a bunch of people running under third party tickets for president this year.



I guess I haven’t really thought about the whole third party thing this year. Usually in the last couple of decades there’s been a prominent third party candidate that gets national attention, is the butt of some jokes and is accused of being a spoiler for the losing party. First it was Ross Perot, then it was Ralph Nader and after that Ron Paul in 2008. I thought he would have kept carrying the torch this year but he’s been pretty quiet since losing the republican nomination –



Ron Paul posing at a campaign stop in 2011.





So there’s no big 3rd party contender this year to snatch up 2% of the vote but there’s still plenty of people running under endorsements from all sorts of crazy parties! Let’s get to meet them!



Gary Johnson

Not Ron Paul





Party: Libertarian.

Position: As former Governor of New Mexico, he cut taxes and spending and blah blah blah.

Weed?: Legalize it.

Chances of winning: Zip.


Jill Stein

Not Ralph Nader





Party: Green.

Position: Buncha hippie shit.

Weed?: Legalize it.

Chances of winning: As somebody who lost in campaigns for Mass. House, Secretary of Commonwealth and two nonconsecutive losing Gubernatorial campaigns, Jill has a real strong advantage of taking her experience in losing elections and bringing it to the national stage. She’s really going to lose this one hard.



Virgil Goode

Not Pat Buchanan.





Party: Constitution.

Position: Muslims=Bad. Seriously. Dude sent out a letter to his constituents when he was a Congressman about Keith Ellison swearing in on a Koran. “When I raise my hand to take the oath on Swearing In Day, I will have the Bible in my other hand. I do not subscribe to using the Koran in any way. The Muslim Representative from Minnesota was elected by the voters of that district and if American citizens don’t wake up and adopt the Virgil Goode position on immigration there will likely be many more Muslims elected to office and demanding the use of the Koran.”

Weed?: Unsure but he hangs with libertarians so he’d probably legalize it.

Chances of winning: Zilch.


Rocky Anderson

Not Green Lantern.




Party: Justice.

Wait, like the Justice League?: I fucking wish.

Position: Occupy Wall Street.

Weed?: Legalize it, duh.

Chances of winning: Zero.


There you have it! These four patriots will face off in a debate and it can be seen exlusively on ora.tv! Tune in on October 23rd where I’m sure Larry King will start every question with “Okay, let’s just pretend for a moment that you have a chance of winning. Now…”



Honestly, I hope they just spend the entire debate all talking about how they think weed is totally awesome.

What’s Your Sign?

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Okay, so there are two pretty divisive votes up on the ballot in MN this coming election. One for a Voter I.D. law and one to amend the MN constitution to say that marriage is only between one man and one woman. Even though polls indicate both laws will probably pass I’ve held out hope that these will get shot down. I think a lot of that hope has been kept alive by the fact that I live in Uptown and am surrounded by a sea of “Vote No!” signs.



Unfortunately, my new job takes me into the suburbs a lot and now I’m surrounded by a sea of this shit –



It’s nice to see republicans try to connect with one minority by shitting on another.





Wh… what does that picture have to do with Voter ID? “Vote Yes on Voter ID or this girl won’t get to hug her soldier dad for some reason!”





I have to say that when I see a “vote yes” sign in somebody’s yard it actually makes me angry. I kind of want to take it out or vandalize it but I’d never actually do that because that’s just wrong. I mean, who’d actually do that shit?



vote no yes?






Oh, right. They would. To be fair –



That’s just paper taped on there so it isn’t really vandalism but… either way the rainbow’s a nice touch.





So we can’t fuck up their signs (even though they fuck up ours) but I still want to show them that I’m pissed off. I want to make the bigots with the vote yes yard signs angry without breaking any laws or actually causing any damage or harm. I think I know something that might work.



I want to get a gay couple to make out in front of the house of somebody with a “vote yes” sign. No nudity or sex (illegal), not in their yard (trespassing), just have a couple of gay dudes or chicks just making out on the public sidewalk in front of their house. The couple get’s hot makeouts and the opportunity to piss off a homophobe. Everybody wins!



… everybody wins except the homophobe but whatever.

If you’d like to be the couple making out please email your application to bill@youngnotions.com! I will provide transportation to the closest suburb and a hot lunch. Makeouts must last until somebody notices or 20 minutes or whenever you get tired of it.

Move Over, Todd Akin! There’s Somehow an Even Crazier Republican Running for Office!

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His name is Charlie Fuqua and he’s running for the Arkansas House of Representatives!



Even though he’s running for a state level position, his campaign has received national attention because he literally wants to kick all the Muslims out of the country and give parents the power to kill their children if they act up.


Seriously. He actually believes those things. He even wrote a book called “God’s Law”. You can buy it on Amazon. In the book he talks about how ‘Merikuh’s goin’ ta hell and biblical principals are the only thing to get us back on the right track. “The founding fathers of the United States were immersed in biblical teachings and principles, and they employed them in the construction of our governmental and economic systems” said the book about a bunch of Deists so against Theocracy they wrote an amendment in the constitution preventing religion and government intermingling too much.



A flag and a cross together? If Chuck Norris saw this he’d shit an entire Bald Eagle.





He even says that parents should be able to kill their kids if they’re rebellious. “The guidelines for administering the death penalty to rebellious children are given in Deut 21:18-21:
This passage does not give parents blanket authority to kill their children. They must follow the proper procedure in order to have the death penalty executed against their children.”



He also says we should kick all the Muslims out but that’s pretty par for the course for these assholes so I’m not going to waste any time harping on that.



Okay. I know there’s some righties that read this. Please explain this guy. He’s running on the Republican ticket. He got the rubber stamp from the state party. How the fuck did this one happen? I mean, I get Bachmann and Akin. I don’t like either of them but I understand why some people would vote for them. This Fuqua fuquer, on the other hand, just seems like a gross caricature of the worst aspects of Republican ideology and he still got the nomination. If the left equivalent of this guy came out with a book that recommended mandatory abortions and bans on same race marriage they’d never get the Democrat stamp of approval. Not even in California.



…okay maybe in California but probably not.

Seriously Though What Does the Vice President do?

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Vice President Joe Biden and Congressman Paul Ryan are preparing to face off Thursday in the only Vice Presidential debate of the campaign. Finally, we’ll get to hear what the Vice President and his opponent think. Their policies, their plans, their…



Man, I’m honestly having a hard time getting into this. I didn’t even give a shit about the presidential debates. Why would I care about the VP debates? I don’t even know what the VP does, anyway.



That’s not (completely) true. I have the average American’s knowledge of the Vice President’s duties. I know he’s the next in line for presidency if something happens to the president and I think he also presides over the Senate or something.



Okay, just checked wikipedia. He’s totally the president of the senate. Presides over it and casts tiebreaking votes. That seems like it’s important, right? I’m going to read up on this some more and find out if there’s any other duties.



Hold up. Turns out all that Senate stuff is actually usually handled by the President Pro Tempore. The VP doesn’t even do most of the President of the Senate shit. So what, does he just sit in an office all day waiting for the president to die? Is that a job?



“Hey, Barry. How’s it going? Everything all right? No heart problems? Alright, then. Guess I’ll head back to my office.”





Okay, after more reading it turns out the VP has a bunch of informal duties. Aside from being a presidential advisor, the VP is also the president’s total bitch. Really. From the wikipedia article – “Under the American system the President is both head of state and head of government, and the ceremonial duties of the former position are often delegated to the Vice President. The Vice President may meet with other heads of state or attend state funerals in other countries, at times when the administration wishes to demonstrate concern or support but cannot send the President himself.”



So that’s what the VP does. All the bullshit busywork that the president doesn’t want to do. Okay.



Well now I want to watch the debate Thursday even less. Who wants to watch a couple of errand boys go at it? Granted, if Romney wins, Paul Ryan will totally be running things. Remember this –
[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5CSVSwSaypg&w=560&h=315]


Happy Birthday, Wife!

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Hey, y’all! It’s Jena’s birthday today! She’s… 25 years old today.



Yeah… 25. Let’s go with that.



So since it’s her birthday, rather than spend the morning scanning the news for ways to make fun of republicans I’ve spent my morning reading her blog posts again! You can do it, too! Here’s some of my favorites. Just click on the blue text to be transported to a magical world of Jena Young humorous bloggings!



Dolls That Offend Sensitivities. It’s true that she is actually scared of Care Bears. Seriously. I really have to hammer in the fact that this is an actual fear because it sounds like a joke when she describes it but one time I pulled a Care Bear out of a kid’s toy box at a friend’s house and she froze like a bee landed on her nose.



Girls Love Shopping! It’s true that there’s a brand of toilet paper I don’t allow in the house. It’s Angel Soft and not just because the baby on the package is creepy looking –

the tiny picture doesn’t really convey the look of insatiable undead hunger in his face.

Angel Soft is owned by Koch industries and the Koch brothers pretty much invented the Tea Party, bankrolled Walker etc. etc. Also, guess which brand of TP I came home to?



Internet Love. If the internet was a person Jena would leave me in a heartbeat for him/her/whatever. I’m just glad Steve Jobs died before he could invent the iMan.



Monkey Pants Pick up Lines. Not sure which I like more, the pictures of surprised monkeys or the puns.



Road Head. Heh. “Soft touch” car wash.



Happy birthday, love!


Last Night’s Presidential Debate as Told by Facebook.

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I didn’t get a chance to watch the presidential debate last night but I really didn’t need to. My decision is already made. It’s not like Romney’s going to say anything to win my vote so why watch the debates? They’re not for me.



Besides, if I want to find out how the debate turned out I can just check my facebook newsfeed and let all the partisan hysterics and hastily created memes inform me! Let’s see what facebook had to say about last night’s debate, broken down by political view.


CONSERVATIVE: “Romney won by a million points.”

To hear my republican friends on facebook tell the tale, Obama got his ass handed to him. Romney brought the pain last night as President Obama stood there shaking like the scared little secret muslim socialist he is, unable to defend the last four years or lay out a good plan for the future. The best comment I saw on a right wing circle jerk thread from last night – “You can’t spin this. The mainstream media will attempt to ‘fact check’ Romney tomorrow to mitigate Obama’s lackluster showing, but the verdict is in. To say otherwise is either incompetence or denial.” I love how “fact check” is in quotes, like fact checking is some junk science that has no room in politics.

Whatever. Enjoy your victory, assholes.



LIBERTARIAN: “YOU SHEEP CAN WATCH THESE PUPPETS DEBATE ALL YOU WANT BUT THEY’RE THE SAME PERSON BLAH BLAH TWO PARTY SYSTEM BLAH BLAH RON PAUL.”

Gotham City’s newest villian was once two presidential candidates until a debate went horribly awry…

I’m pretty sure most libertarians and independents are just in it for the smug sense of superiority they feel over democrats and republicans. They’re like the political version of people who say atheists are as annoying as fundamentalist christians. Don’t ask them how we’d actually change such a large, broken system otherwise they’ll just scream “Ron Paul!” and run away.



LIBERAL: OMG ROMNEY SAID HE’S GOING TO KILL SESAME STREET NOOOOOOO!

So less than an hour after the debate these images started filling up my newsfeed –

I don’t even get the reference on this one, honestly.




Apparently last night in the debates Mitt Romney said something about cutting PBS funding and now the democrats are jumping all over it. Now, I’ll admit cutting gov’t funding to PBS to lower the deficit is stupid and inefficient but to have the left jump all over that one thing he said just shows me how much better he did than Obama last night.

Also, when the fuck did all these people suddenly care about PBS? If half the people on facebook jumping to the defense of PBS actually fucking donated to PBS then it wouldn’t need to get part of it’s funding from the government anyway. Republicans would have to find another red herring to blame the debt on and the channel which you probably only use as a babysitter and maybe watch one cool documentary a year on would be safe.



EVERYBODY: “Jim Lehrer is a shitty moderator.”



To hear about it afterwards, Jim Lehrer stammered his way through the entire thing, couldn’t get the candidates to stick to their time or topic, peed himself, cried and hid under the table rocking back and forth in the fetal position for the last 20 minutes.




Man, I can’t wait to see what my facebook friends have to tell me about the next two debates!

Move Over, Bachmann! There’s a New Nutjob Republican Congressman in Town!

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His name is Todd Akin!



“Howdy, y’all! Wimmin’re things!”





You probably know Rep. Todd Akin as the man who is running for Senate in Missouri and said that horribly untrue thing about women not being able to get pregnant when raped but did you know he says awful, misinformed things about women all the time?



It’s true! Why, just the other day he was spouting off on why womenfolk shouldn’t receive equal pay –



[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xMG9Aqd8tx0&w=560&h=315]



Or you can check out this little ditty where he claims abortion providers commonly give abortions to women who aren’t pregnant and kill women through misuse of anesthetics



Don’t worry, though, dudes! If you’re feeling left out because Rep. Akin is focusing all of his ignorant hate on women he also says some stupid shit that can be directed at men, too!



“I think that the thing you have to do is, people have to start being held accountable for their decisions. If somebody’s not buying insurance, then they’re going to have to be selling their car, or whatever it is to try to help cover that.” — at a primary debate, in response to a moderator’s question about what an uninsured 28-year-old who gets cancer should do, January 2012 (source: politico.com



If you weren’t convinced of his dismissive, 1950’s attitude towards women, he stated that after his first debate with Senator McCaskill that she wasn’t as ladylike as her first campaign in 2006.



Now you’d think this race would be a slam dunk for McCaskill and it was until recently. See, after that whole “legitimate rape” thing (which by the way some people still swear is true), most republicans abandoned him and some, including Mitt Romney, suggested he withdraw his campaign. Todd Akin just didn’t realize that no means no and kept on campaigning despite his fellow republicans begging him to stop. Now that the date has passed for him to take his name off the ballot the Republicans are going to see his campaign all the way through even though he really forced himself onto the ballot and created this unwanted candidacy. I’m sure the Republican party would love to replace him somehow before his candidacy reached full term but they’re stuck with him and they need the senate seat so they’re throwing their support and money behind him.



The worst part of this all is that he’s only slightly behind in the polls! the RCP poll average (which, granted, can be a little right leaning) has him behind 1. Fucking. Percent. An internal poll done by the Claire McCaskill campaign has her up by 9% but that gap should be even wider, given the things Akin’s said.



I can’t even believe Akin stands a chance. Get your shit together, Missouri. Don’t prove grandpa Simpson right.



[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EM3NSTbi4OQ&w=420&h=315]