Author Archives: Bill

Have You Accepted Jesus Christ as Your Lord and Savior: The Game.

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Yesterday I was at work driving to a customer’s house with an assistant (sometimes I get an assistant!). We didn’t talk much and just had the radio on quietly. I had turned off the radio at one point to make a phone call and neglected to turn it back on. After a couple of minutes of silence he looked at me and said “Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your lord and savior?”



Well, shit.



With that one question every silence between us for the rest of the day became an awkward one. Way to go, pushy Christian.



I didn’t jump down his throat about it. I know, religion is a personal thing and it’s annoying and almost a little creepy when somebody you barely know is trying to get you to change religions while you’re just trying to work but they’re honestly just trying to help. As my friend Tony mentioned yesterday on facebook when I posted about the interaction, these people honestly think that you’re going to quite literally burn in hell if you don’t believe like they do. They want to help you.



Knowing this doesn’t make them any less annoying or intrusive but I try to remember this and cut them some slack when dealing with them. If you’re not as patient (or as much of a pushover) as me, you can play the new game I invented the next time you’re confronted with one of these people. It’s-



Have You Accepted Jesus Christ as Your Lord and Savior: The Game.



Rules: Points are awarded based on how you respond to someone asking you the titular question. Play with your friends or play alone!



(0 points)
Just mumble something about how you’re not exactly atheist but you don’t really trust any church and yada yada yada. Trail off on some bullshit about how you think he had some good teachings and hope they shut up (this is what I usually do).



(5 points)
Tell them that you’re gay. Points are only awarded if they say that it’s a sin and you argue them on it.



(10 points)
Make them give you the infomercial pitch. Say “well, I’ve heard about Jesus and heaven but I just don’t see what the big deal is.” Make them sell heaven to you in as detailed manner as possible.



(20 points)
As soon as they ask look at them with wide eyes and say “You can do that? Oh, thank God! Please! Hurry!” Sometimes they’ll try to give you a “rebirth” right on the spot. This usually involves them asking to accept Jesus and reject Satan. When they begin roll your eyes in the back of your head, lower your voice as low as it will go, start growling some backwards latin sounding jibberish and then look at the person and say “Too late, this one is MINE NOW.”



(25 points)
Just start crying. When they ask what’s the matter look at them and say “Jesus RAPED ME!”



(40 points)
Think about it for a second and say “Well, it sounds interesting but let me throw this out there. Have you considered accepting me as your lord and savior?” Really try to sell them on you being the messiah. Offer to buy them waffles and ask them when Jesus ever bought them waffles. Bonus 5,000 points if you can actually get them to follow you.


Good luck

Penn State Taking Baby Steps to Being Less Awful.

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CNN posted a story about Penn State’s Chi Omega sorority posting a picture on tumblr that’s… well, here it is.



Yeah...

Yeah…





So yeah. That’s pretty racist. The photo was taken at a mexican themed party at the sorority and a lot of people are very offended and Penn State is currently investigating the sorority but I think it’s really important to remember that this is Penn State we’re talking about. At least a bunch of kids didn’t get raped in this scandal.



Don’t get me wrong. I think it’s pretty bad that the Chi Omegas would think it’s funny to reduce latino culture to a bunch of sombrero wearing, mustachioed landscapers and it’s baffling that they would think it would be okay to post the picture online but take a look at that picture again. How many kids are getting raped in the picture? Zero. That’s a real step in the right direction for Penn State.



Not to mention it only took a week after this picture was posted for the shit to hit the fan. Why, I remember a time where it would take well over a decade of something bad happening at Penn State before anybody would know about it. Penn State has really taken great strides in being open about their horrible culture.



Racism is bad. I’m not trying to debate that. I’m just saying we should be thankful that all they did was make fun of Mexicans and not rape a bunch of them and try to cover it up for years and years.



Hopefully, the girls of Chi Omega have learned to be a little more respectful and understanding of different cultures and hopefully the scandals of Penn State become less severe as time goes on. If we’re lucky maybe we’ll hear about some illegal gambling going on at Penn State a year from now. As long as they’re not enabling a serial pedophile.


The Liberal’s Guide to Murdering Christmas: 2012 Edition.

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Well, it’s December so that means I’ve been very busy with my liberal friends trying to wage our war on Christmas. My nights have been filled with meetings with local reps from the ACLU, PETA, ADL and Planned Parenthood trying to brainstorm for ways to weaken Christmas even further. We’re trying to petition Congress to recognize the phrase “Merry Christmas” as hate speech but there’s little else we can do because Christmas has just become so… secular.



It’s hard to completely kill the holiday with our current battle plan because we’ve been attacking it as a religious holiday. We can use the First Amendment (the only Amendment that matters) to weaken Christmas on that front publicly but how do we take care of all of the many, many aspects of modern Christmas that have nothing to do with Christianity?



If we liberals are going to kill this holiday once and for all we need to think outside the organic, recycled, fair trade box. Here’s a few things we can do to start.


1: Santa’s Elves are non-union labor.
Nothing destroys a business quite like a union! Now, of course Santa’s elves aren’t real but just by injecting unionization of his labor force into the Christmas myth it will rattle the foundations of the whole story. We should probably make people call the elves something overly politically correct, too. Something along the lines of “Vertically Differentiated Polar Natives”.


2: Christmas trees are killing the environment
It’s hard, as a liberal, to attack something so tied to Paganism but it needs to happen if we’re going to get rid of Christmas. Real or fake, the use of Christmas trees are killing mother earth! The real ones chop down trees and the fake ones are made from plastic. To make it seem like we’re trying to be fair, offer some hideous alternative nobody will want like growing a potted soyplant to put the presents around and eating the soybeans with Christmas dinner.


3: Santa promotes childhood obesity.
Santa Claus promotes unhealthy lifestyles and unrealistic expectations. He tells kids you can live off of candy canes and cookies and live to be hundreds of years old.

Diabeetus.

Diabeetus.

Bonus: Try to get conservatives to hate Santa by saying he promotes socialism by giving away toys.


Okay, liberals. There’s the plan. Together we can finally murder this holiday. Namaste.

The Republican Party: A Voice for the Voiceless.

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In just a few weeks the tax cuts implemented by George W. Bush will expire, causing a hike in tax rates that will put a huge hurt on Americans. The President keeps butting heads with Congress trying to pass a bill that will extend some of the tax cuts on middle class families but the republican led House of Representatives refuses to back down from a bullying president that wants to try to help fix the country’s deficit on the backs of the most underrepresented minority in this country, the rich man.



For far too long rich people have been treated as second class citizens in this country. They’re forced to fly on private jets rather than use public transportation. They have to send their children to private schools. Some of them are so ostracized from society that they have to send somebody out to shop for their groceries.



This sort of prejudice is so deep and widespread that it’s affected rich people’s very own view of their identity. Most of them don’t even see themselves as rich and actually say things like it’s hard living on $400,000 a year.



Even if they do see themselves as rich they try to hide it. They call themselves “Job creators” and “small business owners”. They’ve been so bullied by society that some of them will actually try to make it look like they make less money when they file their taxes out of shame.



Some people try to justify their rich bashing by hiding behind the bible. Taking quotes out of context like “it’s easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of heaven.” Hate is hate, no matter how you try to mask it.



Thankfully, the rich have an ally with the Republican party. Republican congressmen have stated over and over that they do not want this economy fixed on the backs of the rich. They will not see this country raise tax rates on some people just because they have an insane amount of money.



Thank you, republicans. When our grandchildren look back and scratch their heads at how we’d even think to ask people to pay more because they have more, you’ll be content to know you were on the right side of history.

Denson & Young vs. Egyptian Totalitarianism.

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Black clouds circled above the Great Pyaramid of Giza as president Mohamed Morsi stood on top, clutching a brightly glowing staff. “Now that I have finally found the mystical Staff of Osiris, I can grant myself sweeping new powers and declare myself Pharaoh in this, the new AGE OF MORSI!”



He descended down the pyramid with his Muslim Brotherhood when he was met at the base by a large group of protestors. He waved his wand, bellowed “SILENCE!” and the crowd was instantly transformed into mindless, obedient mummies. Morsi laughed and shouted to the heavens “WHO WILL DARE DEFY ME NOW?”



Just then a flicker of light shone in the distance. A small speck flying through the air that came closer and closer. Eventually everybody could see that speck was Denson and Young flying in on top of a magic carpet. The Pharaoh laughed and said “What can you do to stop me? I have the power of Osiris! The power of MUMMIES!” He lifted Osiris’ staff high above his head and it shot a bolt of lightning at two of the members of his Muslim Brotherhood. They transformed into winged mummies and began to fly up towards Denson and Young.



Denson pulled an oil lamp out of his guitar case and a genie appeared. The genie looked at Denson and Young and said “I wish for you to play the most beautiful song in the world.” They looked back at the genie, said “your wish is our command” and played a song so beautiful that the Great Sphinx shed a tear. The winged mummies ceased their murderous path and simply fell to the ground. All the mummies on the ground looked up as the bandages fell from their skin and color returned to their faces. The staff, once glowing with power had dulled in Pharaoh Morsi’s hand and began to crumble into dust. Morsi looked up at Denson, Young and the genie and pleaded “How? How did you defeat me?” “The genie looked down with pity and explained “the brilliant luminescence of music and truth will always wash out the shadows of evil.” Morsi’s skin began to dry out and bandages wrapped themselves around his skin, starting at his fingertips and working their way in. The bandages crawled up his neck and before they could cover his mouth he pleaded “What’s happening? Please, make this stop!”



Denson explained “the price you pay for toying with the power of the gods. You are now cursed to wander the desert as a mummy. Never knowing true peace.” The bandages enveloped Morsi until he was completely covered. He then stretched his arms out in front of him and slowly lurched into the desert, never to be seen again.



Denson and Young began to set up a celebration show for the protesters and asked the genie if he wanted to stay and watched. The genie smiled and said “thanks, but your song broke my curse. It’s been 3,000 years but now I can finally die. Thank you.” The genie then slowly evaporated in front of their eyes.



Would you like to hear the song that dethroned the evil mummy tyrant and broke the genie’s curse? All you need to do is come to the Comedy Corner Underground tonight for Denson&Young: 1,000 Unicorn Whispers (Redux).



Come experience the music, the laughter, and the free cookies.



[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sOqeXe1ms-c&w=420&h=315]



Let us put music in you.

Let us put music in you.

You Don’t Need a Spiritual Awakening to Realize Two and a Half Men is Shit but Whatever.

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Just a few days ago Angus T. Jones, the “half” part of CBS’ “Two and a Half Men” went on youtube to testify his faith as a Seventh Day Adventist and in the process totally shit on the show he stars in –



[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KTju7uI8-1o&w=560&h=315]



In the video he says stuff like “Jake (his character) means nothing”, “If you watch Two and a Half Men, please stop watching Two and a Half Men” and “I’m on the show and I don’t want to be” all while some dude nods in agreement next to him on a couch.



Oh, no big deal but the guy next to him on the couch is a crazy anti-gay internet preacher who uploads videos about how gay rights are a Illuminati conspiracy or something.



Granted, “Jay-Z is a Freemason puppet” isn’t quite “Tiger blood” crazy but it’s close.



Now I’m not going to say it seems like this Angus kid was brainwashed but at one point during the testimony video he actually says “it didn’t seem like I was being tricked but my family was like ‘he’s going to a SDA church, it’s a cult'”.



Good eye, kid. People who are being tricked almost always feel like they’re being tricked.



So this video goes viral and everybody’s talking about how this is going to affect the show with very little attention to the fact that this Forerunner guy in the video slays masturbation is evil and Kanye West is in the Illuminati.



Unfortunately, just as things were getting interesting and we all think Angus T. Jones is going to pull a Charlie Sheen but with religion instead of drugs, the little pussy apologizes. I imagine he went down to Chuck Lorre’s office and was shown the freezer full of Ashton Kutcher clones just waiting to be thawed out and replace any cast member that steps out of line.

All the Cops in the Donut Shop Say “GO BACK TO YOUR HOMES OR WE WILL BE FORCED TO USE TEAR GAS TO DISPERSE THE CROWD”

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The other day, somewhere in Cairo, an old janitor swept up some dirt and rubble into a dustpan. His back strained as he leaned down to pick it up and dump it in a trash can. Once the task was done, he wiped the sweat off his brow and said “there! That’s the last of the mess from the revolution. Now to take a well deserved vacation.” Poor guy didn’t even see it coming.



Shit’s going down in Egypt once again as protests are erupting all over the country over recently elected president Mohamed Morsi issuing a decree that granted him a bunch of new powers. He has stated that the increase in power is only temporary to ensure the smooth drafting and ratification of the new democracy’s constitution.



Because, you know, nothing protects a democracy like giving one man Executive, Legislative and Judicial power.



I’m not sure why this guy thinks nobody’d bat an eye to this. Maybe because he’s the scariest looking politician this side of Putin –



President Brickhouse here looks like Zangief and Wilford Brimley had a middle eastern steroid baby.




Or because he has the backing of the Muslim Brotherhood. Whatever the reason. The people are a protestin’ and now it’s all a question of whether or not there’s going to be a revolution. Could be, since Egypt seems to just love having revolutions. Here’s just a brief look at some of Egypt’s revoltings in the last 100 years.


BRITISH REVOLUTION: 1919
Oh hey England used to own Egypt! Then they had a revolution and England backed off! Just like us! Revolution buddies!

Unlike the U.S.A, Egypt transitioned to a parlimentary monarchy and let British people hang around and run some shit. Bad move, Egypt. You’re just going to have to have another revolution in a few decades. Oh and hey look –



EGYPTIAN REVOLUTION: 1952
Sick of the corruption of their obese, corrupt and narcissistic King Farouk (actual official title: “His Majesty Farouk I, by the grace of God, King of Egypt and Sudan, Sovereign of Nubia, of Kordofan, and of Darfur.”) Farouk was exiled and his infant son Faud was made king. Faud reigned for a year before the Egyptian people realized that having a king is a huge responsibility that they’re just not mature enough to handle. After realizing that the best solution for both them and Faud’s future would be to give him up for abdication, they left him on the steps of Switzerland, rang the doorbell and ran off.



PRINCE AND THE REVOLUTION: 1999
Okay, I was working on a gag for this but the only video I could find for Prince’s 1999 had no sound. Apparently the copyright holders asked to have the audio removed but the video’s still there. It’s actually really creepy to watch in complete silence –



[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TQu-yU_cAbw&w=420&h=315]



ARAB SPRING: 2011
Oh hey this was the one in the news last year! Now we’re all caught up.



For more information on Egyptian revolutions, read the international news in the next few weeks.


Seriously Old Spice What the Fuck?

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Today is Black Friday. Millions of Americans are trampling and macing the shit out of each other so they can save 20 bucks on an Xbox or whatever. I’ve never participated in Black Friday shopping and today is no different. Instead, I’m holed up in a hotel room waiting to make jokes for people at Courtney’s Comedy Club in Moorhead, MN.



So how am I passing the time? By playing a video game made by a deodorant company starring a retired NBA player, duh.



Perfectly reasonable.





That right there is Old Spice Dikembe Mutombo’s 4 1/2 Weeks to Save the World. Old Spice’s latest and (only slightly) most confusing ad campaign to date. Now, Old Spice is no stranger to nonsensical and baffling ads. The oldest I could find online was this little ditty starring Bruce Campbell –



[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Af1OxkFOK18&w=420&h=315]



I guess sales must have went up after Bruce Campbell just said a string of nonsense to a camera so Old Spice decided to crank up the crazy and now in 2012 their ads look like this –



[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z-m6Ua9Iqkg&w=560&h=315]



At least you know he’s trying to sell you deodorant, I guess.



The video game starts with retired NBA start Dikembe Mutombo rising up from the bottom of the screen holding a couple of doves. Click “start” and his head turns into a rocketship and blasts off from his shoulders –

Because Old Spice makes you smell good I guess?





The head lands on an island in space, opens up and Dikembe walks out of his own head with three cheerleaders. There’s a series of islands in front of him, each representing a game. There’s only one available now. Click on it and it will take you to a scene where a talking bear in a Cosby sweater explains to Dikembe that people in Ohio aren’t voting because they’re too busy dancing to Gangnam Style –

Dikembe is holding a duck during the entire scene. We are given no explanation as to why.





So, naturally, Dikembe straps on a giant bottle of Old Spice onto his back because it’s also a jetpack and proceeds to fly down a cave and throw ballots at people while they dance to Gangnam Style so they’ll vote or something. When 50 voters are hit, Dikembe reaches the bottom of the cave where the state of Ohio explains that it won’t vote because it likes dancing too much –







Ohio resists and a fight is ensued. In this boss battle, Ohio shoots a bunch of disco balls out of it’s mouth at the jetpack wearing, ballot throwing Dikembe. Once Ohio is defeated, he goes and votes. Then, the state of Florida comes into the screen, holds up a bowl of nachos and says “my votes will take weeks to get counted. Want to count these nachos in the meantime?” Florida then counts nachos poorly –



but what do nachos even have to do with… what?





The camera pulls out to show the bear watching this all unfold from a monitor. He turns to the camera and explains that you can have your high score submitted to somehow power a laser that’s carving out an extension to they Mayan calendar so the world doesn’t end next month. Seriously. They have a livestream of the laser at work –



This is where that whole “4 1/2 weeks to save the world” thing comes in I guess.


What the hell does any of this even mean? Is David Lynch writing ad copy for Old Spice now? This doesn’t make me want to buy any deodorant. It does make me want to play the other games as they’re released but I’m not going to buy any Old Spice.



Their stuff makes me break out anyway. I’m a Mitchum Man.

Use This One in Your Next Show!

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Any comedian can tell you a dozen stories of some drunk coming up to them after a show and offering jokes they can tell at their next show.  I get that these people are just trying to be helpful but no comedian has ever told a joke onstage given to them by an audience member ever.  Comedians either write their own material or steal from other comedians, give the material a Latino perspective, get a show on Comedy Central, get called out onstage by Joe Rogan, have a video of the confrontation go viral and disappear from the public eye.  

 

If comedians started using material that drunk audience members offered after shows, stand up comedy would be a lot less coherent and a lot more racist.  Like, seriously racist.  Why do so many people tell me such racist jokes after shows?  Is it my shaved head?  

 

Just this week I was at The Monday Night Comedy Show and a guy came up to me and offered up some material I could use the next time I was on stage.  It wasn’t racist (incredibly rare) but still incredibly fucked up.  When I got off stage this wild eyed, gray walrus mustached man grabbed me by the arm and bellowed “Man I got some REAL FUNNY shit you can tell next time you’re up there and it’s ALL true!”  I told him I’d love to hear it sometime (lie) but kindly asked him to keep it down while other comics were onstage.  

 

He flagged me down during the intermission.  Here’s his story, unabridged, as best as I can remember it.  

 

 

“Okay so back in 69 I was 19 years load, right?  Got a fuckin’ Dodge Dart.  Fastest fuckin’ car I ever been in.  Step on the gas? Forget about it.  So I got this girlfriend and I’m livin’ in Ham Lake and me and my friends load up the car and head to Anoka for a party.  Back then you could fill up the tank, get a carton of smokes and a case of beer for fifteen bucks.  We’d drive around with a boat hooked up on a trailer and guys on the boat would throw empties at people’s mailboxes and shit.  So we get to this party and I start betting people I can drink a twelve pack in 3 minutes.  So I start cracking beers and pokin holes in the side so I can drink ’em faster.  Cracking beers and cracking beers.  Did it in 3 minutes.  I won 20 bucks!  After that I’m burping and my buddy bets me I can’t shoot tequila faster than him.  Listen, I was 19 and fuckin’ stupid, alright?  So I do six shots of tequila and I’m feeling pretty sick so I tell my buddies I gotta go home.  We all pile in the car, they’re gonna drive me home and go back to the party, right?  So we’re driving back and I gotta take a shit real bad.  I tell ’em I gotta shit but my buddy driving tells me to hold it in and I say ‘I can’t!’ And it starts coming out, right?  Just this soft brown shit coming down my pant leg and the smell hits me!  I got a sensitive stomach, right?  So when that hits my nose I gotta puke but I can’t get the window down in time so it hits my buddy and it hits me and then pow!  Car right in the snow bank!  So they’re all ‘get out!  You smell like shit!’ so I get outta the car and I take my clothes off ’cause they’re covered in shit and puke so I’m standing there buck naked in the middle of the winter and this farmer comes up on his tractor and says ‘what the fuck?’ And my buddies say ‘he shit his pants, man!  You gotta help us get outta the snow bank!’  So he gets the car out and he gives me a blanket to wrap myself up in and he’s just shakin’ his head.  The farmer’s just shakin’ his head.  The farmer’s just shakin’ his head.”

 

So yeah, I totally have permission to use that joke next time I’m on stage.  

 

Fat Men Can’t Climb.

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I’ve been pretty proud of myself recently, fitness-wise. I lost about 30 pounds since that jail bracelet told me I was super fucking fat and I’ve actually developed some muscle definition since I’ve started the carpet cleaning job. I wouldn’t go as far to say I’m in the best shape of my life but I’ve definitely been worse.



I found out yesterday, though, that I still have a ways to go.



This revelation started when I was driving home yesterday after going back to Thunder Bay, Ontario to tell some jokey jokes. About 20 miles north of Two Harbors there’s a small island off of lake superior. The island was about a quarter mile off shore but was accessible on foot by a long break-wall made of huge boulders. I pulled over and decided to go climb around on the island.



Oh get ready, island. I’m gonna stand on top of you so hard!





After about 500 feet of leaping from boulder to boulder in the break wall I started to get a little winded. I was sweating profusely even though it was 45 degrees out and the wind was blowing. I was panting and worried my asthma was going to kick in. I had to pull it together and keep hopping, though. I was pretty much halfway to the island and some teenagers were coming back from the island so I had to make it seem like it wasn’t a big deal when we crossed paths. Can’t let a couple of strangers that you’ll probably never see again find out that you’re not in shape, right? That’d be embarrassing! So I leap and hop until I finally reach the island with my legs feeling like they could give out at any moment. One quick climb up a short cliff and I’m at the sweet, sweet top part of the island. It took me twenty minutes to hop across that break wall-

weird how a fun activity turns sour once you’re exhausted.





so I’ve had plenty of time to think of how awesome the top of the island will be. Maybe there’ll be some animal I’ve never seen before and they’re totally friendly! Maybe somebody left their cooler up there and there’s sandwiches! Pirate gold? Slutty Mermaids? The possibilities are endless! There’s just one problem –







That bitch is about 20 feet tall and there’s no place to get footholds. It’s straight up and down. I just figured when I was on the shore that it’d be easy to climb for some reason.



I look to see how the teenagers come down and I see a rope dangling from a corner.



and some driftwood I guess for some reason.





Alright! Rope! I figured I’d just grab onto that bad boy and climb up that wall Adam West style, maybe have a casual conversation with a Nazi on my way up –



[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UHD_53UqBeA&w=420&h=315]
(Seriously. Thanks for telling the international war criminal to keep a monocle out for the 5-0 while you go chase some dipshit that stole the world’s largest thimble or whatever.)



Turns out that turning a camera sideways and pretending to walk up a wall is way easier than actually walking up a wall. I couldn’t get myself up there. I tried and tried but I could barely pull myself up. I tried using that stacked up driftwood as something to stand on while climbing buy my feet kept slipping on the wet wood. I was able to get about 5 feet from the top but I just couldn’t reach it.



It was so fucking frustrating. All the work of crossing over the break wall and I can’t even get up on the goddamned island? Even after losing 30 pounds and building a bunch of upper body strength? I tried one more time but it was no use. I slinked down the rope and did a quarter mile boulder-hop of shame back to my car.

Maybe if I just set fire to the place a boat will come for me or something…





Fuck this. I’m going to lose even more weight, get even stronger and one year from now I’m going back and climbing that fucking wall. I will stand on top of that stupid island. I will make friends with those animals, eat those sandwiches, swipe that pirate gold and bang those mermaids.