How do I Buy a Microwave?

Posted on March 28, 2013 by Bill

My microwave oven is starting to crap out on me.

It’s an old thing. Jena had it when I moved in with her and got it as a hand me down years before that. It’s an old, beat up thing. It’s rotating plate keeps falling off it’s track, the door sticks, the compartment is tiny and it’s bell doesn’t go off sometimes when it’s done cooking.

Also, it’s an actual bell that goes off. No beep. Actual physical “ding”. This microwave might be older than I am.

Here’s the thing, though. As I was thinking that it’s about time we get a new microwave I realize I’ve never bought one in my entire life.

Nearly 13 years living as an adult on my own and I’ve never actually purchased a microwave. It’s just always been something that’s been to places I’ve moved into. Like a fridge or a sink, microwaves were always just there when I showed up. Sometimes they were nice, sometimes they were crappy. One time I moved in with a guy that didn’t have a microwave so I just learned to cook stuff with the stove and oven.

How the fuck did I go all this time without buying a microwave? I don’t even know how to start looking for one? Do I go to… Sears? Is that still a thing? Target? How much do these things cost?

Okay. This one’s fifty bucks –

buttons, door, cube. That’s a microwave.

And this one is $1200?

buttons, door, cube and $1150 worth of something?

The only difference between the two is .6 cubic feet of space and the expensive one you can hang above a stove or something. Holy shit.

I’m in over my head. I can’t go out there and just buy a microwave with no experience. I’m just going to have to make my popcorn the old fashioned way and I don’t know what that is so I’ll just go to the movie theater more.

=

Posted on March 27, 2013 by Bill

So yesterday there was a lot of this on facebook today and yesterday-

It’s an equal sign. The new symbol that gay rights advocates are using to signal their support for marriage equality by changing their facebook profile pic. I don’t know why it’s red and pink. Why didn’t they go with rainbow?

You’ve probably seen plenty of similar pics, disambiguations and parodies, too. Even Grumpy Cat’s getting in on the marriage equality –

Honestly, I thought this was kind of dumb. The embodiment of slacktivism. Click a couple of buttons and you think you’re on the level of the people who marched on Selma. Vice posted a piece on the uselessness of it

As the day passed, though and friends expressed how they knew changing a profile pic wasn’t going to influence a supreme court decision but it might spark a discussion with somebody who was opposed to gay marriage. At the very least it’s a small show of solidarity to their gay friends. When I started thinking about it on those terms my cynical little heart grew three sizes. As I scrolled down my timeline and saw almost nothing but red equal signs (or something close to that) it made me feel good to see so many people showing their support, even if it’s just on facebook.

Hell, I’ll even change my profile pic. I’m changing it to the bacon one, though. Because bacon.

The Condom of the Future!

Posted on March 26, 2013 by Bill

Bill Gates, just like every other man on the face of the earth, doesn’t like condoms.

He understands that they’re currently the most effective defense against STDs and unwanted pregnancies but just like every man who has ever worn one during sex, he’s not a fan of them.

Unlike every other man on earth, though, Bill Gates has the money to solve this problem. That’s why he’s offering one million dollars to the person who can invent a better condom.

I’m in. I got all kinds of condom ideas. Here’s just three of them.

1: ADAMANTIUM CONDOM.
One of the biggest problems with condoms is that they can break during use. The solution? Make them out of the same shit they used to make Wolverine’s bones.

Ain’t no sperm or HIV virus gettin’ through here, bub.

Granted, this would incredibly decrease sensation and also adamantium isn’t a real thing let’s check out option 2-

2: TWO PERSON FULL ENVIRONMENT CONDOM
To increase pleasure, increase the condom’s size so it completely wraps around both individuals. Include a full, self-sustaining environment so the sexual partners can live inside the condom for years at a time –

not pictured: 2 people inside the condom totally getting it on.

This will be 100% effective against STDs but not very effective against pregnancy. I guess you can just pull out or get an abortion or whatever.

3: CONDOM 2.0
Rather than try to build a new condom from the ground up, let’s see what we can do by making a few tweaks to the existing model –

The lasers allow for pinpoint accuracy while penetrating the orifice of your target. The tailfin will increase traction when you’re going fast and the flames just look badass. 10 years from now everybody will be wearing this condom.

You can make the check out to Bill Young, Mr. Gates.

New Year’s Resolution Monday! Writing Deadlines!

Posted on March 25, 2013 by Bill

Once again let’s take a look at one of the many, many resolutions I made on January 1st and see how I’m doing.

One of the resolutions I made was to “Actually meet all my writing deadlines for this website and my sketch comedy stuff.”

..this counts.

RESOLUTION KEPT.

Michele Bachmann is Never Going Away.

Posted on March 22, 2013 by Bill

Buzzfeed has posted a wonderful piece about the shitty week Michele Bachmann has been having. For those of you too scared to click the link afraid I’m trying to give your computer a virus (I am), here’s the gist.

Bachmann said a bunch of stuff about the president living an incredibly lavish lifestyle in the White House. While he is pretty comfortable, most of her accusations about round-the-clock movie projectionists and personal grape peelers were totally untrue. CNN tried to talk to her about it and she just shouted “BENGAZI!”, threw a smoke bomb on the ground and ran away. Bill Fucking O’Reilly tried to talk to her about it and he got stonewalled.

I really can’t.

Some would think that if this woman can’t go on Fox News to defend herself than she’s done. They couldn’t be more mistaken. This woman’s never going away.

Sure, she’s proven time and again that she’ll never be in the senate, much less the presidency but she’s very nicely entrenched in her district. This isn’t the first time she’s said spouted a bunch of crazy lies but every time she does she just retreats out of the spotlight and gets elected again and again like the 6th district is some sort of political Lazarus pit for her.

She’ll run again next year and she’ll win again. Who do we have to defeat her? Her first victory was beating Patti Wetterling, the national face of child safety advocacy. Since then she’s been unbeatable. She’s like a political Jason Voorhees or Michael Meyers.

She may not be going up but she ain’t leaving.

YOUR TAX DOLLARS AT WORK

Posted on March 19, 2013 by Bill

Not to brag but I’m friends with the president on facebook. It’s a pretty exclusive list.

Just me, Barry and 35, 298, 515 of his closest friends.

Really it’s just his PAC posting a bunch of pictures and quotes and whatever. I “liked” his page during election season and every now and then some pic from his page pops up on my timeline. Usually something cute and benign like this one that was posted on St. Paddy’s day –

A beer on St. Paddy’s day! Just like me! So relatable!

You might think it’s endearing, you might think it’s dumb, you might think it’s a cheap ploy to appeal to people, whatever. It’s a picture of the prez. having a beer on St. Paddy’s day. I usually just see a pic like that and keep scrolling down my timeline but this time I decided to check out the comments.

Big mistake. Don’t read the comments. Never read the comments on the president’s facebook posts. Nothing good can come from the comments.

Sure, there’s plenty of people just commenting “yay Obama”, plenty of spam comments but why all the hate comments? Why do you even follow the president on facebook if you think he’s a muslim socialist antichrist? This is one of the most benign comments –

MAH TAXES!

There were plenty variations of the above comment. “and how much did this beer cost THE AMERICAN PEOPLE?” “How about you quit wasting my tax money and do your job?!?” etc. Every second the president is not doing his job he is wasting valuable taxpayer dollars. Does he look like he’s signing a bill into law in that picture? No? QUIT SLACKING AND DO YOUR JOB, BARRY.

Where’s your long form certificate of intoxication?

I’ve seen about a half dozen comments that just up and claim it’s photoshopped. I call these people conspbeeracy theorists.

and finally –

Of course there’s a muslim one. There’s so many muslim ones. This one doesn’t even accuse him of being muslim. This lady’s just pissed that there are muslims that like him. Dirty, dirty muslims.

Jesus. The guy can’t even have a beer. Oh well. How about they just post a pic of him at the office with some visitors?

aw, cute.

GODDAMNIT.

Resolution Update: St. Drunkie’s Day

Posted on March 18, 2013 by Bill

For the second time this year I took a day off from my no drinking resolution to participate in the grand Irish-American tradition of wearing green, gaudy plastic jewlery and getting completely hammered.

In fact, I’ve developed a bit of a St. Patrick’s routine over the last few years. My dad has taken up the hobby of being a trinket peddler on St. Paddy’s day. A few years back he saw somebody selling stuff out of a shopping cart at the parade and thought “hey, that’d be fun”. Flash forward a few years and he’s expanded his operation so much that he enlists the help of my uncle, sister, brother in law and myself. I help sell some horns n’ beads and then spend the money I earned on overpriced booze.

My first stop was at a little hole in the wall by the start of the parade route. The only beers they had on tap were Budweiser, Miller and Coors so I pay $6 for a plastic cup of Miller lite. First beer I’ve had in over a month and it tastes like water. I thought that maybe it was a problem with the tap so after I finished that I got a Miller Lite in the bottle. Turns out that’s just how it tastes.

The 2nd most popular beer in america tastes like cold peewater

Later in the day Jena and I went to see an Irish Band play in an Irish bar so I drank some Irish beer for $7 per dixie cup. This is the one day I decide to drink out at a bar. I’m an idiot.

I’ve gone out to drink twice in 2013. After the first time I felt like my head and gut were going to explode and the second time my wallet got violently raped. Not drinking looks easier and easier every time I drink.

The Voices of the Marriage Debate in MN.

Posted on March 13, 2013 by Bill

Yesterday a bill to legalize passed both state house and senate committees and will be put to a full vote shortly. Many people from both sides of the argument provided passionate, heartfelt testimonies both for and against the bill. Here’s one of former legislator Lynn Osterman speaking in favor of the bill –

There you have it. A conservative, a republican, admitting that she voted against her conscience for “political expedience”. Tears welling and voice cracking as she begs those sitting where she sat to not make the same mistake she did. Explaining that her Christian values and conservative views have never made her feel like she has to treat other people’s love as something less than hers. Her words perfectly encapsulate why equality is so important.

Of course, there are two sides to every story. Let’s see one of the most popular testimonies arguing against the marriage bill –

Really powerful stuff here, too. Don’t get me wrong, Osterman’s testimony had a lot of passion behind it but this guy has science on his side. I never knew that AIDS was just spontaneously created by prolonged anal sex or that legalizing gay marriage would increase the amount of gay sex happening. I also didn’t know people with AIDS, a disease we now know is made when sperm is entered into the bloodstream, can turn regular diseases into supergerms that can be passed onto other people and make rashes that can only be cured with a $2,400 antibiotic! This isn’t even a religious motivation or plain ol’ homophobia, he’s just concerned about the well being of the public and rising health care costs!

Now, I haven’t bothered looking up the validity of his claims but he did say some pretty scientific words like “enzyme” so he probably knows what he’s talking about.

I have to admit. They both make some pretty compelling arguments. I’m not sure how I’d vote for this if I was a legislator. This is a tough one.

Sick Day

Posted on March 12, 2013 by Bill

Yesterday I admitted to having the dumbest addiction ever and issued a challenge to myself to go one week without playing an online flash game. Today I called into work because I’m sick.

Shit.

I’ve got nothing but time and a laptop today. I’m not about to spring up and do a bunch of housework or run errands. The wife’s got a bunch of work to do with the website and writing and the boy’s got school so I can’t bother them with my ramblings. What the hell am I supposed to do with myself today that doesn’t involve online games?

Stare at pictures of sloths for a while

Lookit him eat that leaf.

Sloths are awesome. That’s just a fact. Every few weeks I’ll just google image search “sloths” and think about how cool it’d be just to hang out with a sloth. Everybody wants to meet a sloth. Anybody who doesn’t probably doesn’t have a soul. Just look at what meeting a sloth did to Veronica Mars –

Watch Shitty Knock Off Movies on Netflix instant.

Compare to price of Kung Fu Panda!

Same active ingredient as Transformers!

There was even a sequel to Transmorphers. It’s also on Netflix. No lie.

Get My Car’s Oil Changed
I don’t really feel like getting up and going out but this is an errand that needs to be done and doesn’t require anything of me other than to drive to Jiffy Lube and hang out in the little waiting room. While I’m there I can start an impromptu 12 step meeting with whoever’s in the waiting room with me. We’ve already got the shitty coffee, folding chairs and depressing atmosphere. I’m sure whoever else will be there probably has some shit they want to get off their chest, too. Once they hear about how lame my addiction is they’ll probably have no problem admitting they huff paint or strangle hookers or whatever.

Or I could just nap. I think I might nap.

Resolution Mondays: Confession.

Posted on March 11, 2013 by Bill

Hi. My name is Bill and I have the lamest addiction ever.

It’s not a cool addiction like drugs or sex. It’s not sad or relatable like food or porn. It’ not even sad-but-interesting like the stuff you see on that “My Strange Addiction” show –

Just a man having sex with a car. Nothing weird about that. Wait… that’s totally weird.

My addiction is online video games.

Not even ones that other people get addicted to like World of Warcraft. I’m addicted to playing those stupid in-browser flash games on sites like kongregate and armor games. Simple little shooter and tower defense games that most people play for five minutes but I end up playing for hours.

When I made that one of my resolutions I knew I was spending a little too much of my free time dicking around on these sites but I guess I never thought I’d have any trouble quitting. Since January I’ve had some easy success and some stumbles with all my resolutions but this is the only one where I flat out have not made any progress at all.

\
Shit. Let’s see if I can do a week with no flash games and we’ll go from there. I went a week without biting my fingernails, let’s see if I can go a week without playing Gemcraft as well. Then I can get back to using the internet for it’s intended purpose. Pornography and social networking.

…or I could write and spend time with my family I guess.

YoungNotions

Author Archives: Bill