Monthly Archives: October 2013

Two Nights Left.

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Well, this is it. I’ve had a few weeks of living on my own but come Friday I’ll have a roommate. I’m looking forward to it but there is something about the freedom of having a whole residence to yourself that I’m going to miss. I really need to cram as much solo living into the next two days as I can. Time to make a list.



-No pants shall be worn for the next two days. Completely pantless. Might as well just go nude since that will help with the next item on the list.

-Rub my balls on every door handle, drawer and faucet in the house. I better rub my balls all over the floors, couches and dining room table as well. And the remote control. And the chairs. And the walls.

-Whenever somebody has the place to themselves it’s almost automatic that they want to reenact “Risky Business” and I’m no different. So I’m going to fuck Rebecca De Mornay.

– Start a fight club in the basement. Move onto Project Mayhem.

– Try to make a fort out of the furniture I have. It won’t be easy. It’s just two couches, a dining room table and a single blanket.



Okay. Better get busy because once my roommate moves in I’ll probably have to stop rubbing my balls on everything and put some pants on. Maybe. We never discussed pants.

5 Facts About Chicago

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Well, the 10,000 Laughs Comedy Festival is done. I did five shows, watched even more and a couple of the comics from Chicago ended up staying on my couch last week. Not only has it been fun having some company but very educational as well. I’ve learned a lot about the city that would be our neighbor if it wasn’t for stupid Wisconsin standing in the way and I’d like to share with you the top 5 facts that I’ve learned about Chicago.

1. Chicagonians only eat two kinds of food. Deep dish pizza, Hot dogs with mustard in poppy seed buns and Chicago style “stuffed pizza” which is a deep dish pizza stuffed with hot dogs with mustard in poppy seed buns.

2. Chicago is bordered by Lake Michigan, the Great Lake that most resembles a penis –

See?

See?

3. Willis Tower (formerly Sears Tower) is the 8th tallest structure in the world. Over 30 people commit suicide every week from it’s controversial, unsupervised open air observation deck.

4. In the 1920s Chicago was home to some of the nation’s most notorious gangsters such as Al Capone, Bugs Moran, Flattop Jones, Two Face and Oprah Winfrey.

5. The Great Chicago Fire of 1871 burned for two days and engulfed over three square miles of the city. The traditional account is that the fire started when farmer O’Leary’s cow accidentally kicked over a lantern but it turns out that was a fabrication. The cow kicked over the lantern to collect on an insurance policy.

For more information on Chicago, ask someone who lives in Southeastern Wisconsin.

New Roommate Rules

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Well, the search is over! I have a new roommate starting Nov. 1st! I’d like to do my best to help make the transition to a new home as smooth as possible but there are a few rules that need to be established so here’s a copy of the email I’m sending him later.



Hey, Josh! Welcome to your new home! Now, I’m a pretty easygoing guy but I do need to establish just a few roommate rules for you. Nothing big.



1. There’s a circle of salt poured around the bathroom. DO NOT BREAK THE CIRCLE. This place is super haunted by pervy ghosts and this prevents them from watching you shower.

2. Do not laugh at the obscene amount of peanut butter in the pantry.

3. If you bring a girl home I get to invoke droit du seigneur. Look it up.

4. Sometimes you may see me bringing down a bucket of meat scraps to the basement. Sometimes you might hear noises coming out of the basement. I’t probably just best that you stay out of the basement.

5. Whenever you talk about where you live to other people you have to refer to it as Pusspound Mountain.

6. This is a soft shell taco household. I will not tolerate any of that hard shell bullshit. Double decker is acceptable.

7. Every now and then some people are going to come over, we’re going to dress up like sports team mascots and have sex. It’s up to you if you want to be weird about it. You might want to just steer clear the 2nd Tuesday of the month.

8. Don’t tell anybody I’m actually a Russian spy.

If we can just follow these simple rules then I think we’ll get along famously!

10,000 Laughs Guaranteed or Your Money Back!

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Starting next week the 10,000 Laughs Comedy Festival will be starting here in Minneapolis! There’s 8 different shows you can go see but let’s focus on the ones that really matter. The shows I’m in!



PUNCHLINE PUNCHOUT
punchline punchout

Two teams of comedians are given a topic the morning of the show and only have several hours to come up with brand new set lists to perform that night. There are two preliminary rounds on Oct. 22nd and 23rd (I’m in the 23rd show) and the winners will battle it out in the finals on the 26th. What will the topics be? Will the comedians buckle under the pressure? Will I freak out onstage like Tom Hanks in Punchline?




Will the comedians rise to the moment like at the end of 8 Mile or choke like at the beginning of 8 Mile? Come to the Comedy Corner Underground and find out!


THINK FAST
thinkfast

This one’s a bit like the Punchline Punchout but instead of being given one topic the morning of the show, you’re given one topic per joke to write about onstage. Myself and several very funny people will have to improvise our stand up sets onstage! There’s no competitive element like the PLPO but I’m always silently, secretly at war with everybody around me so watch me win October 24th at HUGE Theater!


THE DIRTY SHOW
The-Dirty-Show

Comedy is better when there’s swear words. That’s a simple fact. While I do believe you don’t need to be dirty to be funny dirty is always way funnier. I’m going to say so many swear words in this show that if I listed half of them, Websense would block this site from your work computer forever. Come on out to the Comedy Corner Underground on Oct. 24th at 10 and midnight (I think I’m in the midnight show) and laugh you shitty fucking bitch ass off!



SEX, DRUGS AND ON THE ROAD
Sex-Drugs-and-on-the-road

Ever wonder what it’s like when a comedian goes on the road? What magical adventures lie in the depths of Bismarck, ND, Peoria IL or Brainerd, MN? This show is all about comedians telling road stories. Maybe I’ll tell the one about the girl who punched me in the face or that time I pooped in a bathtub… man, I need better stories.

Check it out! Oct. 25th at the Comedy Corner Underground.



Get your tickets and find out more about the festival shows I’m not in (all of which are wonderful, I’m sure) at 10000laughs.com!

Magic Toilet Cafe

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I once had a friend tell me “don’t shit where you eat.” It was in response to me dating someone within the stand up community, meaning that I shouldn’t date in a community I’m trying to be taken seriously.

I mean, I married that guy I started dating, so I guess he was wrong.

Then again, I’ve divorced that guy I started dating, so maybe he was right.

The point is, the phrase itself sounds like it has merit. I mean, literally shitting where you eat may seem efficient, but not a good idea.

No one told that to Magic Toilet Cafe.

Not a bathroom.

Not a bathroom.

This is a cafe in LA with a toilet theme. You sit on toilet bowls (maybe now guys will understand why you should put the seat down) at tile encrusted tables, and get served foods with poop joke names out of dishes that look like little toilets.

Get it? It's a toilet BOWL.

Get it? It’s a toilet BOWL.

The restaurant just celebrated it’s soft launch. Don’t think about that too hard.

When I saw the original article, I though this was probably something out of Japan. I mean, there is a precedent. Bill once received Japanese candy that you ate out of a little toilet bowl dish.

But no, this is in LA. The owner is from China, which is not the same thing, you racist.

It reminds me of the episode of South Park where a Japanese immigrant opened a City Sushi next to a Chinese immigrant’s City Wok, only, they couldn’t pronounce “city” right, and kept calling them “shitty sushi” and “shitty wok.”

The point is, poop jokes are universal. It’s the one thing that binds the world together in comedy.

Well, that and fart jokes. Look for my new fart-themed restaurant “Cut the Cheese,” opening this spring.

3 Podcasts That I’m Listening to That Aren’t Made by My Friends.

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Podcasts! We know them, we love them, we’re frequent guests on them, we’re running one out of our living room, we’re working on a couple with some friends and we have one that we recorded a few episodes of but never released that are just gathering dust. Listening to podcasts has almost replaced listening to music on long car trips for me so I thought I’d share what I’m listening to right now as a bit of a “fuck off Friday” homage.



TED Radio Hour
ted

I’ve seen some TED talks online in the past and while I’ve enjoyed some of the shorter ones, I could never get into the longer ones. Maybe it’s my ADD, maybe I just don’t want to spend 20 minutes listening to somebody with a job title like “futurist” talk about how wind powered toilets will save us all.

The radio show, however, is much more engaging. Same TED talks but with conversations and editing to keep you interested.



By The Way, In Conversation With Jeff Garlin
by the way

I honestly knew nothing about Jeff Garlin outside of his work in Curb Your Enthusiasm. Turns out he’s been doing comedy since the early ’90s in both sketch and standup and these are just a bunch of unscripted conversations he has with friends he’s made over the years doing everything in comedy. This is a newer podcast and I’ve only listened to two episodes (Bob Odenkirk and Amy Poehler) but they’ve been really fun.



The CRACKED Podcast
cracked

The magazine that was ripping off MAD that turned into a failed Maxim ripoff that turned into a wildly successful website with user generated content is now a podcast! Hosted by a couple of the editors, it’s a bit like the TED Radio hour but with more swears and Simpsons references.



There you go! Now you have a fully loaded arsenal to distract you from human conversation when you’re out running errands. Just pop in your ear buds and avoid eye contact!

Roommate Search 2013.

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Well, with Jena gone and with me having all this space, an extra bedroom and a need for more income I’ve started looking for a roommate. Having a roommate at 31 is a little different than having one at 25. I can’t exactly just have anybody crash here. I’m in a duplex with my landlord and her 6 year old daughter living right above me and I get to work at 7:00 AM. It wouldn’t really fit my life well to have somebody who parties every night. I’d like somebody a little laid back and easygoing. With all this in mind, I put together a “roommate wanted” ad to put on craigslist later today –



Have you ever wanted to live on a boat?!?

Me, too! Perhaps as new roommates we can sit on the porch of our lower duplex unit and talk about how cool it would be to live on a houseboat!



Recently single guy looking for somebody to rent the 2nd bedroom off of 27th and S. Garfield. Rent is $450 plus half utilities. Tips are appreciated but not required. The floors are all hardwood and I already paid the damage deposit so you’ll be required to keep your toenails trimmed to prevent scratching. There will be weekly inspections to make sure that they’re at a proper non-scratching length.



Dogs aren’t allowed. Cats are but I’m allergic. I can deal with it but as payment for the inconvenience I get to rename your cat whatever I want. You can still call the cat by it’s original name when I’m not around but when I’m in the house you will be required to address your cat by the name Thunderthighs Jackson.



I’ve put a strip of masking tape halfway down the refridgerator. You have the whole right side of the fridge to use and if anything goes on the left side it will be considered my food and be consumed with extreme prejudice.



I look forward to living with you, new roomie!



Thankfully I have a couple of friends who need a place to stay and somebody’s checking the place out Saturday so I don’t have to post this ad. Craigslist is just full of creepy weirdos.

Is the Punk Band That Shot the Porn on the WBC Lawn Any Good?

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I’m going to lift my self imposed ban on talking about the WBC on this website to talk about the big news last week.



For those of you that don’t have the internet, well… you’re not reading this. For those of you who are logging on to the internet for the first time ever today, welcome! There’s a thing called facebook that you should get, there’s a lot of cats, one grumpy cat and a whole lot of porn. In fact, a punk band called Get Shot! went viral last week after they filmed their bass player masturbating on the WBC lawn. The story was picked up by huffpo and gawker (the gawker link contains a very NSFW preview of the film). This story has been shared over and over again applauding the band for sticking it to the worst people in America. While I admit it’s awesome and hilarious that they’d do this I noticed nobody has mentioned on whether or not the band is any good.



Seriously. All this talk about Get Shot and nobody mentions their music. Not once.



Well, they have a bunch of songs posted on youtube so let’s take a listen and see if there’s more to them than just a great publicity stunt.



Huh. So that was a song about stealing underwear. I actually dig the sound but the lyrics were not really my thing. Maybe it’s because I don’t steal underwear, scratch it, sniff it and rub it on my dick. Different strokes for different folks I guess. Let’s see what else they got.



Oookay. So these guys see sex through the eyes of a fifteen year old. Is this really all there is to it? Is there no more depth?

Wait! There’s an acoustic song! Maybe that’s got a little more soul to it than “She Wants My Cock”.



Okay no this is all they’re about. I really shouldn’t have expected more from a band whose logo is a penis gun that is shooting the name of the band in jizz. Also they’re doing this on twitter –



They are really going to try to milk this WBC thing for all it's worth.

They are really going to try to milk this WBC thing for all it’s worth.

The Entire GOP is Going Completely Insane Over the Gov’t Shutdown

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As we all know, the Federal Government shut down on Oct. 1. 800,000 federal employees are on unpaid furlough, national parks and monuments are shut down, it’s all the Republican party’s fault and they are losing their fucking minds over it. Honestly, there’s been so many instances of the GOP going completely bananas I’m just going to highlight some of the best moments from this week.



First, Fox News refuses to call it a shutdown, instead calling it a “slimdown” because essential services are still running. After CNN, the Daily Show and all the like had a field day with this, foxnews.com switched to the terminology “partial shutdown” and now the front page only has one meager mention of the entire shutdown.



Then, congressman Randy Neugebauer loses his shit and yells at a park ranger for not letting vets into a WW2 memorial that was shut down because he couldn’t pass a budget bill.



After that, congressman Marlin Stutzman actually fucking said this quote for real to a goddamn reporter –

“We’re not going to be disrespected. We have to get something out of this. And I don’t know what that even is.”



To top it all off, Congressman Tim Griffin actually blamed the president for the violence that went on at the White House today that caused a capitol lockdown



Holy. Fucking. Shit. People.



They gambled, they lost and now everybody hates them and I couldn’t be more happier. Don’t get me wrong, I’m no fan of employees struggling to make ends meet having to deal with the unpaid furlough but this stunt will completely ruin the GOP for the 2014 elections.



So, thanks, crazy republicans! Your whining and bitching in public has made you completely unelectable.

BEES.

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I’m not scared to admit that I have a lot of fears in life but my top three are cops (which I’ve talked about on here before), heights and bees.



The bee fear is always ratcheted up at the end of summer. Bees are at the end of their life cycle, just itching to sting something and flying around goddamn everywhere. A customer asked me yesterday if I was allergic to bees and I told her I wasn’t sure because I’ve never been stung because I AM SCARED OF BEES.



It’s a little embarrassing to throw my arms up, scream like an 8 year old and run away whenever a bee comes toward my head but I just can’t stand them. I’ve had friends make fun of me for this fear but it’s totally legitimate! I’ll give you three reasons you should be afraid of the tiny little menace.



THEY’RE NATURE’S SUICIDE BOMBERS
The common honeybee will gladly throw it’s life away to sting you, knowing that it probably won’t take down something 1000X it’s own size all in the service of it’s queen. That is fanatical, cult like behavior and it’s not to be trusted. That’s why God dresses them like tiny little prisoners.



FUCK WITH A HORNET, FUCK WITH HIS WHOLE POSSE
Most wasps can mobilize a whole nest to defend against any intruders using attack pheremones. These same pheremones are released upon death. So if you kill a wasp, his whole hive will swear a blood oath of revenge on you until you kill them all, move out of the country or change your clothes and shower.



HAVE YOU NOT SEEN THE ENDING OF “MY GIRL?”
Spoiler alert: Bees ruin everything.

This hit especially hard if you were 8 years old when Home Alone came out so Macaulay Culkin was pretty much your hero. Bees just killed the coolest kid in the world. Then he came back to life evil in The Good Son. I blame the bees for that.



I understand that we need bees for pollination and blah blah but can’t we just train butterflies to do that? Everybody loves butterflies. They’d probably make kickass honey, too if we gave them a chance.



Fuck bees.