Union Free Twinkies

Posted on April 30, 2013 by Bill

Okay, guys. I know that Jason Collins came out of the closet and that’s groundbreaking and a huge deal but we need to talk about something important. Snack cakes.

It seems as if Hostess will be hitting the shelves again pretty soon. I found out from this image that’s been floating around facebook the last couple of days –

from the facebook post: “Twinkies are back! (At least they will be by July.) Two companies have purchased the Hostess assets and will reopen four plants and hire 1,500 workers – and all of this will be done union free!! LIKE if you will buy a union free Twinkie to celebrate!”

This little gem came from the facebook group ForAmerica, the offical page of foramerica.org. foramerica.org is a nonprofit started by conservative pundit L. Brent Bozell III to serve the dual purpose of trying to repeal Obamacare via the use of memes –

*the viewpoints of foramerica.org do not necessarily reflect those of Tardar Sauce, aka Grumpy Cat.

and sucking the GOP’s dick through creepy fanfic –

This could totally be the beginning of a Republican porno. “Trickle Down Her Back”

Also their website has a freedom meter. I don’t even know what that’s about –

maybe it’s like a scientology e-meter. You grab onto a couple of metal rods and somebody asks you a bunch of questions about eagles and fireworks or something.

Whatever. I’m not going to try to explain to them why unions didn’t cause the collapse of Hostess to these douchebags. Plenty of people have tried on the comment thread of the pic and failed. I will, however, say this. I don’t care that Hostess is coming back.

Turns out America didn’t collapse with the absence of Hostess. Sure, Batman had to work a little harder to get away from mummies but other than that I think we did alright as a country in the last few months –

Batman’s been slipping ever since he found out he can bribe most villains with sweets.

So sorry, ForAmerica. I think I’ll pass on the union free twinkies. I’m trying to cut back on sweets and bullshit union demonizing. Besides. If I really want some packed with chemicals and lard sponge cake Little Debbie has been my dealer since Hostess closed anyway.

OK so they’re not union either but all employees are shareholders and Swiss Cake Rolls are better than Ho Hos anyway.

FINGERNAILS

Posted on April 29, 2013 by Bill

Okay. Resolution Monday time. Let’s talk about nail biting.

When I originally decided to throw this one on my list of new year’s resolutions I figured it would be a slam dunk. It’s honestly not that big of a problem but I thought it would be one that would be easy to solve. After almost five months it turns out I’m having an easier time keeping off booze than I am keeping my fingernails out of my mouth.

It’d be so easy just to give up but I’m going to stick this out. Let’s see what options I have to help tackle this nail biting problem of mine.

HYPNOSIS
Pro: Could help me stop biting my nails through hypnotic suggestion.

Con: Once hypnotist has opened my subconscious for suggestion they can program me to do anything they want. Rob banks for them, assassinate their enemies. I’d be their helpless puppet.

WRAPPING HANDS IN TAPE
Pro: Wouldn’t be able to bite nails due to hands being wrapped in tape. If enough tape was wrapped around hands, could use them as a wrecking ball like some shitty comic book villain.

Con: Would need help going to the bathroom. Also would need help doing anything else in life that requires hands.

SETTING HANDS ON FIRE
Pro: Couldn’t bite nails due to hands constantly being on fire. Save on electricity since every room I’d walk into would already have two small fires burning. Light people’s cigarettes for them. Look incredibly badass.

Cons: I see absolutely no cons to my hands constantly being on fire.

Looks like I might be onto something here. I’ll try this out and get back to you guys if there are any downsides.

Fuck Off Friday: Google It!

Posted on April 26, 2013 by Jena

I once watched a little promo thing about the Google offices where a dude sped by on a scooter and people had sushi for lunch. Bean bag chairs and bright colors. A cool, fun office place making work seem more like play.

With limited to no lead in, I give you these phrases to type into google:
“define anagram”
“do a barrel roll”
“tilt”
“zerg rush”
“binary”
“recursion”

Do you use Google calculator? Try to find these:
“the answer to life, the universe, and everything”
“a bakers dozen”
“the loneliest number”

In google maps:
Search for walking directions from China to Japan.
Search for directions from The Shire to Mordor.
SEarch for directions from America to Japan
Search for directions from United States to United Kingdom.

Want more fun time wasters with Google? GOOGLE IT!

New Camera!

Posted on April 25, 2013 by Bill

A couple weeks ago I won a digital camera at my work in a prize drawing!

I took the picture with my phone!

This is pretty exciting for two reasons. 1: I never win anything in prize drawings or raffles. 2: I’ve never owned a digital camera. Well, except for the one on my last four phones, my ipod and my laptop. This is different, though! This is just a camera! This will probably take much better quality pictures and when I walk around with a fancy looking camera slung around my neck people will stop and say “ooh, is that a professional photographer? We should hire him to take photos of our all-girl pillow fight sessions!”

Okay. Let’s crack this open and see what we’ve got.

Okay. Warranty info, ad for an online photo storage/sharing service nobody will ever use and some cords. Pretty standard.

Instruction booklet.

Jesus. This thing’s like 200 pages.

Install disk, check.

Jesus. Another install disk?

More fucking cords? This box is like a goddamn clown car.

Finally!

Christ. This almost seems like it ain’t worth the effort. I may as well just keep taking pictures of stupid stuff I see at gas stations with my phone.

Wait… Gay Marriage Wasn’t Already Mandatory in France?

Posted on April 24, 2013 by Bill

Here’s a thing I just found out that really surprised me. Gay marriage was just legalized in France this week. What surprised me about it was not the fact that the gay marriage bill passed but that it was really fiercely debated. There were protests, riots, police and tear gas. Shit was crazy –

Sacre Bleu! Photo credit: Philippe Wojazer / Reuters

I can’t believe there was such fierce opposition to gay marriage in France because… well… it’s France.

This is fucking France we’re talking about. It’s the San Francisco of Europe. This is the country that’s known for wine, mimes and sexual permissiveness. Their biggest exports are turtlenecks and pencil thin mustaches. How could France not be in full support of gay marriage? It’s France! Their capital city is known as gay Paris! Even the people protesting gay rights there look super gay while they’re doing it!

I checked three times. This is an ANTI gay protest. Photo credit: Kenzo/AFP/Getty Images

This is the country that brought us the goddamn beret and they’re protesting gay marriage?

Protests or no, France’s gay citizens, which until recently I thought was all of them, can now enjoy the same rights as heterosexuals.

SEX.

Posted on April 23, 2013 by Jena

Bill does those blog posts about what search results get people to this blog. I decided to take a look at what it is that people are looking for when they come to YoungNotions.com.

Sex. Lots and lots of sex. All the sex.

Here is a short sample of sex related search terms in the past few months, linking back to the blog post that I think got the searcher to our comedy blog.

home sex 117
home sex video 7
sexvideo 5
sex home video 3
sex video 3
homesex 2
home sex. 2

Turtle Home Sex Video

Can you guys imagine what it’s like to be looking for some good old amatuer home sex videos, dick in your hand already half hard, and instead find turtles humping shoes? This makes me giggle every time.

canada porn 12
canadian mountie porn 6
canadian porn 5
exxxtacy video thunder bay 3
süper porn canada 1
canada pick up porn 1
dudley do-her-right porn 1
june with big tits and christian canada porno 1

Canadian Porn

I’ve always wondered how Canadian porn was different than US porn. With their healthcare system, probably less STDs.

sexy sex blog 5
sexysexblog 3
sexy talk blog 3
phone talk sexily 2
sexysex.blogspot 2
sexypeaple sex 1

Sexy Sex Blog: Where Sexy People Talk Sexily About Sex

If you haven’t read this yet, go do it now. Also? 8 more years til I get to consummate my marriage!

kids fuck 9
kid fuck 1
chideren fuck.com/ 1
“kids fuck ” 1

Hey Kids! Fuck You!

Not child porn in the least. Those poor, disappointed pedophiles.

toe socks sex 8
porn with socks on both people 3
sex in toe sock 2
toe’s sock porn 1

The Things You Weirdos Type Into Search Engines Volume 473: Toe Sock Sex

This one is a blog post about how there are search engine results about toe sock sex, with a nice little love story thrown in. On the plus side, if we generate enough interest, we might be able to start a Fetishist dating website and really start raking in the dough.

food blowjob 2
blowjob contest 2
blowjob for food 1
stand-up blow job contest 1

Ames Straw Poll / Food Blowjob Contest

Because sometimes Bill goes for the low-hanging corndog.

young porn 2
porn..young 1
young sex blog 2
oh bill porn 2

THE WEBSITE ITSELF.

Look, when we decided to create a comedy site, we used our name because we’re narcissistic. We blog about sex and porn because, well, let’s face it… sex is funny. Often, it’s two people trying not to be awkward and failing horribly. It’s the kid in high school trying to be smooth and then tripping over nothing, only naked, with all his floppy bits out there. How is that not funny?

Unless you’re having sex hanging upside down in nature and stuff. THEN maybe you’re a cool and smooth as you think you are.

Our society has these weird ideals that we should all be awesome in the sack. Absolutely top-notch players, without ever having the experience to do so. As a woman, there’s a level of being good at sex, being able to “please a man” without every having pleased any man prior. Every guy should be your first guy. Men might be allowed to be studs and get practice, but come on- let’s face it- every sexual encounter is different. Not just with each individual, but each encounter with even the same person over a lifetime. Not all of them are going to be great. Sometimes, your vagina is going to make farting noises while he slips and bonks you on the head. And sometimes, when it gets really intense, and you’re both taking the whole thing way too seriously… sometimes the best thing you can do is lean into your lover’s ear and whisper “Margaret Thatcher NAKED” and burst into giggles.

By the way, “Margaret Thatcher naked” was a search engine term. Try to get *that* one out of your head.

You’re welcome.

Resolution Monday: The Quest to Get Rid of These Goddamn Manboobs.

Posted on April 22, 2013 by Bill

Okay. We’re almost five months into my effort to make 11 New Year’s resolutions and I’ve broken all of them at lease once. I knew that was going to happen. My goal was to keep going even if I did break a resolution. So many people give up after one moment of weakness and I was determined to keep trying even if I faltered and I’m proud to say that I’m still trying with all of these resolutions. Some are going better than others but I haven’t given up on any of them.

Except for binge eating junkfood.

I lasted maybe two weeks on this one. I was bagging my lunch every day. I got a bunch of low sugar protein bars to have for breakfast instead of donuts. I ate fruit. Things were looking pretty good and then one day I was running late for work, decided it wasn’t worth my time to make lunch and now it’s nothing but fast food burgers and gas station donuts getting shoved into my gullet.

I keep telling myself shit like “I’m in a hurry” or “Well I worked really hard today so I’ve probably burned the calories in these three donuts already” but my weight is still hovering around 240.

>/br>
This is so stupid. I’ve done this before. I know I can lose weight if I just slow down the flow of constant sugar and fat being constantly pumped into me. Time to take a new approach.

I’m going to write down everything I eat this week into a notebook. Just by consciously thinking of what I’m eating and having a list in front of me showing what I’m eating should help. Maybe I’ll even post the list in next week’s resolution update if it’s not super embarassing.

Alright. Time to eat some fruit for breakfast because that’s completely just as tasty as donuts and SuperAmerica breakfast sandwiches.

Fuck Off Friday: Office Toys

Posted on April 19, 2013 by Jena

There are time wasters, and then there are things that are a complete waste of time.

Such as JelloTime.com. All it is is an image of jello. you move your mouse over it, and it wiggles.

And I can’t stop doing it. It’s the dumbest thing. Dumber than stress balls, which are the worst marketing ploy ever. “Let’s put our logo on a piece of foam and tell people it’ll make them feel better.”

Because turkey.

And yet, here we are. Cubes covered in shitty stress balls that we often play with out of, well, usually boredom.

What about a regular bouncy ball? That at least makes more sense. Just throw it into a box and watch it bounce around.

How about Bubble Wrap? People often talk about how therapeutic bubble wrap is… just get that frustration out in a miniscule act of destruction.

We often collect other weird toys to have at the cube. Like those sticky stretchy hands that you wack against the side of the wall on that strip that isn’t covered in fabric, so you can have the satisfaction of pulling it away.

Why is that so very satisfying?

Another cube toy is the snow globe. I’m particularly fond of this one, because it has little people doing things, and when you shake it up, they go right back to doing whatever they were doing before.

But I think the ultimate in office toys is the Magic 8 Ball. I used to have a sarcastic 8 ball, where I would ask it a question, and it would respond with things like “yeah right!” and “…and maybe I’m the pope.”

Here’s the problem with online Magic 8 balls… no shaking. I went through probably a dozen of these, and they were all just fancy displays for answers… no shaking. And that’s the satisfying part.

Programmers, make me a magic 8 ball I can shake, and I will pimp the shit out of your site. Until then, here’s just a few that I found online:

This one looks alright.
Possibly the oldest online 8 ball.
This one should be better for how pretty the site is.
This one looks like a student project.
For people who like dragons and shitty animation.
This one has some favorite answers, such as “seek Jesus” and “go on a diet.”

The best one, where the image at least shakes.

Happy slacking!

Fuck You, Bob Davis.

Posted on April 18, 2013 by Bill

You ever hear of this fucker?

This fucker hosts the fucking Davis and Emmer Show on Twin Cities News Talk radio (fucking AM1130). This fucker actually said on his fucking show – “I have something I want to say to the victims of Newtown, or any other shooting,” namely that the gun reforms they’ve been lobbying for “force me to lose my liberty, which is a greater tragedy than your loss.”. He fucking then went on to say that he was – “sick and tired of seeing these victims trotted out,” and that “I would stand in front of them and tell them, ‘go to hell.’”

He actually fucking said that.

Just so we’re crystal fucking clear, he’s fucking saying that having to do a background check at gun shows, smaller magazines and maybe having a harder time buying guns online is a fucking worse tragedy than a bunch of parents having their 9 year old children brutally murdered. The fucking balls on this guy.

You know what? It makes me fucking cringe even thinking about having to explain to this fuckface why he’s fucking wrong so I’m just going to forego all that and say this.

Fuck you, Bob Davis. Fuck your show. Fuck your boner for guns. Fuck your buddy Tom Emmer. Fuck the station that allows you to spread your word AIDS all over the state. Fuck your stupid glasses. Fuck your apology where you don’t actually apologize for anything.

Fuck you, you fucking fucker.

Condoms and Circus Freaks

Posted on April 17, 2013 by Jena

My secret shame is that I can’t juggle.

I grew up out at the Renaissance Festival, surrounded by acrobats, magicians, fire performers, clowns, and jugglers. You know, circus freaks. It’s what we do- perform for your amusement. Weird and wacky things that “normal” people don’t do. On the list, juggling is probably the least offensive and most likely trick for an audience member to know. It’s one of those simple things you just try out one day. Hell, my husband… the stand up comedian… you know, people with no useful skills so they tell jokes? Even HE can juggle. He had a two week segment in his suburban high school’s gym class.

But I can’t do it. I get the concept. I see how it works. The weave of the balls like a three strand braid in the air. But for all my half hearted attempts, I’ve never gotten the hang of it.

Which is a shame, because a street performer who can’t juggle is pretty much the lowest rung of the least respected form of entertainment out there. It doesn’t even matter that I have other street skills. I’ve flipped off of someone’s back, I’ve pulled quarters out from behind childrens ears and made them disappear, I’ve walked against invisible wind, I’ve eaten and blown and spun fire…

My favorite poi pic of me. Yes, I’m spinning fire around my body. Still not as cool as juggling.

…hell, I’ve even blocked a nail.

Don’t know what blocking is? It’s a term for pounding a nail into your head via your nostril, done by the human blockhead, the true illusion freak of the sideshow. It’s not a trick I do because it’s hard to be sexy model lady with a nail in your nose. Also, I always want to sneeze. Also, also, I hate how it feels.

I mean, have you ever laughed so hard you snorted soda pop out your nose? Try that with a nail. It’s not *painful* but it’s also not a pleasant experience.

Which is why, in the world of me getting older and kids getting dumber, I just don’t understand the latest YouTube trend among teens.

Nosing condoms.

All the cool kids are taking a condom, snorting it up their nose, and then pulling it out their mouth. They film it and put it on YouTube, and the other kids love it.

This proves to me that YouTube has become our sideshow of circus freaks.

Which makes me wonder if any of them can juggle.

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