What Is This Give to the Max Thing All About?

Today is MN Give to the Max Day through GiveMN.org. If you know people in MN, you’ve probably seen links and pleading for donations to various organizations. It can be a bit overwhelming. But let’s break this down a little bit.

This picture links to their FAQ. Cause QUESTIONS!

Give to the Max Day is a special day set up to raise as much in donations as possible. GiveMN and razoo provide an easy donation system that makes sure the donors get receipts for their taxes and everything. They handle all the money and that “donation” stuff so the organization can focus on things like incentives, performances, or just putting that money to good use.

Handy. But the big question is, why? Why one day? What’s so special about today? Can’t I give any day?

First, yes. You can give any day. On any given day, thousands of non profits in the Twin Cities can accept donations from you. You CAN donate. But $5 to your favorite charity says you don’t. It’s not that you’re a bad person. You’re a good person. You intend to give. You have the desire to give. But that 5 seconds that you think about it, you get distracted. Or money is tight, and you space on it for next paycheck. Or you get a candy bar or something.

Look, this isn’t to make you feel guilty. We ALL do it. So, these kids set aside a day to donate, that you can’t space out on or put off til later. Today is the day.

Second, prizes and incentives. All of the organizations have the opportunity to win more money. Also, many of them have matching abilities. So if you give them $10, they just got $20. Holy shit- what a deal!

Third, peer pressure. All the cool kids are doing it.

So, what follows is a bunch of pictures that link to different GiveMN opportunities, with a little description on why I’m promoting that charity. Some of them have affected me directly. Some of them are because of friends. Some of them are good causes that I’ve supported in the past. Some of them involve bunnies.

There is a lot here. There are THOUSANDS of opportunities on the site. Take a moment to find something to support. It does a heart good.

I studied improv at the Brave New Institute. I couldn’t have taken many of the classes I did if it wasn’t for full and partial scholarships I received.

The Companion Rabbit Network places homeless rabbits. Also, LOOK AT THAT FACE and say no

Camp Quest is a secular summer camp for free-thinking youth that a bunch of my friends put on. Who doesn’t like summer camp?

Every year I participate in their cancer walk. If you don’t know why funding cancer research is important, I got nuthin.

Comedy Corner Underground is owned and operated by local comedians. Bill and I have done a few shows there.

Comedy Suitcase produces comedy for all ages. Not kids comedy. All ages comedy, so parents get to enjoy the show as well. Can be tricky, but they always pull it off.

Compatible Technology International (CTI) creates practical tools that help poor communities in developing countries overcome their most crucial food and water challenges. My friends grandfather is heavily involved with this group.

Fraser is Minnesota’s largest and most experienced provider of autism services. This is another charity walk I do every year, and it’s never a large amount of people or money, because working with someone with autism is taxing.

human beings can be such dicks. We race greyhounds for our entertainment, and then, when they’re no longer good or fast enough…. well, this organization places as many retired greyhounds as possible.

I’m a big supporter of HUGE theater. They have drop in classes every Wed for super cheap, and they’ve let me play on their stage. And there’s a chair in that theater with my name on it. ALSO, stop by the theater today- they’re doing an improv-a-thon.

Daylight Center is a school, dormitory, and community outreach facility where children from the war-torn world of nomadic Kenya find safety, food, education, and love.

Minnesota Chorale is a group you might not hear from often because they are horribly under-funded. But OMG are they amazing! I’d love to hear more from them around the cities.

The Minnesota Reading Corps (through ServeMinnesota) helps tutor and teach reading to thousands of children. They’ve got a matching program AND every dollar donated locally leverages 3.5 dollars in a federal match. I feel really strongly about this one.

I love working with Six Elements Theater. I’ve done their Human Combat Chess show in the past. Their productions are always stellar.

MN Fringe Festival is really where I got my start in the theater scene here. I continue to be amazed at how many wonderful productions come out of a non-juried system.

My friend sends her kid here. “Each year, donations fund financial assistance for students. We include over $800,000 in our operational budget to help students in need; nearly $400,000 comes from the draw from the endowment and the rest comes from annual support. “

I have several crafty friends involved with this cooperative group. The idea of sharing space and tools, learning how to do all that building stuff… it’s a really awesome thing.

TheUpTake.org, celebrating its fifth year, is a nonprofit, citizen-driven news organization that acts as catalyst for positive change through the direct power of social media and storytelling.

Walking Shadow has done some AMAZING productions, and I was lucky enough to be involved in the one pictured here. Also, I’ve know John since I was like 12.

Baarle There

I learn so many things on Facebook. I mean, aside from who’s relationship is complicated and how many of my friends I have to hate due to politics (the answer is all of them). Sometimes, I learn real schooling type stuff.

For example, the other day, this picture came up:

I love cobblestone…

…with the caption “The border between the Netherlands and Belgium.” Awe! Isn’t that sweet? I immediately reposted, because with all the bickering and talk about states filing petitions to sucede seceed secede and putting up fences around various borders, it’s nice to see a place where people don’t need barriers and shutting others out.

A friend of mine commented on the post “That must be a legal nightmare for the owner, even if they are both Shengen countries.” It raised a whole bunch of questions for me. What town was this taken in? Where along the border is this? What is the back story? How strict are the police from one country when dealing with the other? How far through the town does this border go? Is it just this one place, or are there more? And does this place serve Belgium waffles?

I did my research, and it’s so much cooler than I originally thought.

There is an area in the Netherlands that I will call the Baarle area. In this area are two municipalities, the Baarle-Nassau of the Netherlands, and Baarle-Hertog, the Belgium enclaves that pocket this area of the Netherlands with Belgium. There are 22-24 separate chunks of Belgium completely separated from the rest of Belgium, existing in the Netherlands area.

Of all the maps, I picked this one because it actually shows where Belgium and the Netherlands are in relation to each other. You’re welcome, stupid Americans!

And to mark the border? These white crosses on the sidewalks, and metal studs in the roads:

Get it? Crossing the border? Huh? Huh? CROSSING?

Wait a minute! those metal studs take a 90 degree angle and keep going down the street! And THEN they take a 90 degree angle and go past that restaurant we saw earlier (I still don’t know if they serve Belgium waffles). Turns out, the borders are all sorts of wacky. They go down the middle of streets:

Which cop gives the speeding ticket?

It goes through buildings, both outside:

This is a beer distributor. BUT IS IT BELGIUM?!?!?

and inside:

And who pays the storage fees?

Borders go straight through homes. The way they determine what country a building is in is by where the front door is. One blogger posted about a guy who was upset with his tax rates in one country, so he moved his front door and became a citizen of the other country.

Also, for a while, one of the countries had a curfew. So when the curfew hit, several restaurants were able to just move the patio seating around the corner and continue serving.

And apparently, police work together out of one office. The Belgians take care of the electricity and the telephones, and the Netherlands are in charge of water and gas. They split everything. You could even say that when it comes to running the area, the two municipalities… “go Dutch.”

YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

World News for Dummies Like Me.

I got hooked on NPR on election day.



I’d never really cared for radio news in the past but on election day I had to work and wanted to hear the results throughout the day and as polls closed around the country. For the first time in my life I listened to NPR news and was blown away by how thorough and impartial they were. I always assumed they’d have a liberal bias because, well, conservatives are always bitching about liberal Bias.



Granted, I googled “fox news on npr” and a bunch of stories came up about how public radio listeners are way more informed than Fox News viewers so that’s probably just sour grapes on the conservative end.



Since the election I’ve listened to NPR every time I get into my car. There’s just one problem. I have no idea what they’re talking about when they report on world politics.



Seriously. Totally lost. Let’s look at one of the things NPR news has reported on in the last few days and what I know about it.



SYRIA
What I know: There’s fighting I guess? Like, a war or something? Maybe a middle east thing?

What I don’t know: Who’s fighting. Why they’re fighting. Where Syria is.

Other misconceptions: The first time I heard Bob Marley’s “Stir it up” I thought he was singing “Syria”.

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S3UqvWk8-uw&w=420&h=315]



Alright let’s take a look at what this is all about:

Turns out Syria is in the middle east!




Also, turns out there’s a civil war going on. It started out as peaceful protests until the government cracked down on them (shot a bunch of protesters). Now there’s rebels, fights, shit’s spilling over to Israel for some reason and now Israel’s firing shit into Syria. It’s crazy but it doesn’t looki like the U.S. will be there anytime soon since we’re busy occupying a bunch of other middle eastern countries and Syria doesn’t have a ton of oil –



Oh, google autocomplete. You truly are the mirror held up to society.




What will I do with this newfound knowledge of a world event: Be the snootiest motherfucker at the party! No use having knowledge about something unless you can make yourself feel better by flaunting it around people who don’t have that knowledge! Time to go to some parties and start some conversations with casual acquaintances by with topics like “Did you hear about the scandal over at the BBC?” When they look at me confused and say they haven’t heard about it I’ll just roll my eyes, take a sip of my martini and say something dismissive like “Oh, they were just talking about it on NPR. I like to stay informed.”



Knowledge is power!


New York Daily News: Handling Stories With Class and Dignity Since Never.

This weekend it was revealed that General David Petraeus, current head of the C.I.A., resigned due to being caught in an extramarital affair.



Now I was all set to do up a blog about posting fake emails between him and his mistress but when I googled “David Petraeus” to get more details on the story the first article that came up was something from the N.Y. Daily News –



Fucking really?





“Gen. Betray Us! Caught In the Act!” That’s their headline. Puns and acronym jokes. It doesn’t even stop there. Read the article and there’s a picture of his mistress with John Stewart and the caption for it literally reads “Paula Broadwell chats with comedian Jon Stewart, but there’s nothing funny about mess she’s in with Gen. David Petraeus.” Ugh.



What I really don’t get is how they haven’t played with the fact that the biography Broadwell wrote of Petraeus is called “All In”. Where’s the headline “Petraeus caught ‘All In’ Biographer’s vagina”? Here’s a coulple other potential headlines –


“Biographer Caught Fellating More Than Gen. Petraeus’ Ego!”

“General Petraeus Caught Redacting Paula Broadwell’s Classified Dossier!”

“C.I.A. Chief Resigns After Being Caught in Affair but That’s Okay Because Anybody Who Lets Their Emails Get Hacked So Easily Probably Shouldn’t be the Head of a Spy Agency.”

Creepiness in Advertising and Caption Contest!

So a couple of weeks ago an Oregon court released the Boy Scouts of America’s “Perversion Files”. Turns out the Boy Scouts had binders full of pedophiles that worked for them and when they would find out about molestations they’d give it the ol’ Paterno/Catholic Church treatment and just not call the cops.



Of course the Boy Scouts are going to suffer a huge hit and some people would think that the organization should be shut down but the Boy Scouts of America will continue their mission and they’ve even rolled out a new ad campaign to boost membership!



RAPE VAN





Okay seriously I saw this van like a day after I heard about the whole “perversion files” thing. Let’s see what kind of captions I can do for this picture!



Learn to tie knots so tight that no boy could wriggle free from them!





Hi, I just moved in across the street and I’m required by the state of Minnesota that scouting rules! Also, I’m a pedophile.





Didn’t make the cut as a choir boy? Join the scouts!





Join the boy scouts! It’ll be our little secret…





Got a caption of your own for the creepy scout van? Leave it in the comments section! 1 lucky winner will receive a half eaten jar of peanut butter!


And Just What Was He Expecting?

Gentlemen, listen up. This could save your life. No shit.

Here’s the full story: A guy by the handle of CappnPoopdeck posts a “rage comic” (note- I’m old an un-hip. I just don’t get rage comics) to Reddit. The comic, shown below, poorly drawn as all rage comics are (I think this is my issue with them. How lazy. Put a little pride into your art. Spend some time on it. Make it worth it. It just makes me so angry!!!) ANYWAY, the comic shows a guy finding a pregnancy test, pissing on it, and getting a positive result, to which he declares that he is pregnant.

Is he the father or the mother?

Ha ha. Funny funny. Everyone knows that dudes can’t get pregnant. That test is bogus, he’s not really pregnant, and what a good laugh.

Only, Reddit’s not laughing.

The post starts getting comments about how how a man getting a positive result on a pregnancy test could indicate that he has testicular cancer. What a pregnancy test measures is “human chorionic gonadotrophin” or “hCG.” This is a hormone given off by trophoblast cells that enable the embryo to attach itself to the uterus. Apparently, the cells that start testicular, uterine, and some forms of ovarian cancer are almost indistinguishable from trophoblast cells. This causes the hCG hormone to be produced, and therefore readable on a pregnancy test.

**We at YoungNotions would like to remind the reader that we are only doctors in the fake way people call themselves doctors and not in anyway capable of making diagnosiseses or giving out any kind of medical advice whatsoever. We would also like to state that a negative reading does not mean you don’t have cancer. If you are in doubt as to your medical condition, PLEASE go see a doctor. We like having readers.**

Science is fucking fascinating, kids.

Anyway, CappnPoopdeck had created the comic about his friend. He told his friend to get checked out, and the doctor discovered early testicular cancer that they were able to take care of the same day. CappnPoopdeck’s follow up comic is posted below.

Reddit saves lives.

On a completely unrelated note, I just bought stock in EPT.

YEEEEEEEEEESSSSSS!

Last night was pretty awesome for me. Obama got reelected. Both the Marriage Amendment and the Voter I.D. Amendment were shot down, pretty much every republican who said awful things about rape this campaign were defeated, Donald Trump completely lost his shit on twitter and Josh Reimnitz won the District 4 Minneapolis School Board seat –



We’ve received like 2 dozen letters, door hangers, flyers etc. from this guy’s campaign. His website is super well done. I simply voted for him just because he put so much damn effort into his campaign.





All in all this election was a big win for me but there’s always a couple of things that didn’t go how I hoped –


BACHMANN FUCKING WON AGAIN



Seriously? That crazy bitch is fucking bulletproof. Two more years of her having legislative power. Two more years of her getting in front of TV cameras and talking about freedom for lightbulbs and God telling her to do shit. Granted, as a comedian I’m kind of relieved she’ll still be here to kick around but it’s too high a price to pay. I’d gladly give up all the low hanging fruit in the world to have her disappear from the public eye forever.


HOLY SHIT THEY ACTUALLY SHOT DOWN THAT MEASURE 5 THING IN NORTH DAKOTA



Remember that blog I did a couple of days ago about that wacky N.D. measure? It didn’t pass. By a huge margin. Turns out 67% of North Dakotans love strangling cats.



In spite of the minor WTF losses, I’m really optimistic about the next four years of Obama. Mainly because it will probably make Donald Trump literally go insane.



Seriously. Fuck that guy.

What Day Is It?

I feel like there’s something I’m supposed to do today.

Hmmmmm……..

Maybe I’m missing something… I wish my friends would let me know.

What? I can call Chris Kluwe a friend. We hung out in a basement and played video games for charity. We’re like BFFs. No big deal.

If only I had some clue… something to tip me off…

Make sure to read Chris’ post in there. It’s nerd-perfect.

Okay, fine. Yes, it’s voting day. There wasn’t a moment that I didn’t know that today, because this morning, Bill woke me up with “work told us to go vote first and then we will start our workday do you wanna come vote with me huh do ya” like a little kid on Christmas morning. My original plan was to go at 2 in the afternoon because that’s when no one else will be there, but he was just so goddamned excited over this I had to say yes.

So we woke up the boy, and brought him with us to go vote. We all stood in line. Bill and I signed a piece of paper and were given tickets. We went to the next table and were told how to fill out our ballots. We went to the NEXT table and got our ballots. We sat down at a table and filled out our ballots. Then we turned in our ballots and got our stickers.

I did it all for the sticker.

Democracy, bitches.

At just about every table, people asked jokingly if Jared was voting. Honestly, it’s gotta be so dull in there, with all these serious people people being very serious about their serious duties to seriously make the serious choices. Seriously. Jokes (and the Youngs provided a couple) were probably the best “thank you” we could have given them.

When I went to vote, Jared sat next to me and I pointed out various parts of the ballot. I told him not to share, as privacy during voting is very important. We talked afterward why not voting on an amendment counts as a no. We talked about how you could bring a list of who you were going to vote for. And we talked about how important it is to vote.

It sounds like I did voting correctly, right? Like ours is pretty much the example of how you should vote? As a family, teach the next generation as I go? Proud to be participating in the greatness that is our electoral process?

Dead wrong, kids. Once I got back, I hopped on Facebook, and had this conversation with master voter Chris Olsen:

High five!

Kids, if you haven’t voted yet, please, PLEASE promise me you’ll take joy in it. We all get so jaded and so serious and so stuffy over our duty, but remember the fact that we have the right is FUCKING AWESOME! That we don’t live in a dictatorship, that no one is pointing guns at us, forcing us to “vote” for a specific person. The fact that we get to have a say in WHO is leading our country… It’s one of the best parts of being an American! We should be voting with glee!

And we should totally be going out for ice cream after. Who doesn’t like ice cream?

Communists, that’s who. Don’t be a commie. Eat ice cream!

This is not a Political Post

Really. It isn’t. I promised I wouldn’t make any more political posts until the election is over and I’m sticking to that. This isn’t about politics.



Okay, it’s kinda political but it’s about North Dakota. I don’t think talking politics counts if it’s North Dakota. Here’s what happened.



Last weekend I went up to Bismarck, ND to tell some jokes with Mike Brody. As we drove down Interstate 94 further and further away from the cities we saw fewer and fewer lawn signs and billboards telling us what to vote for. Instead, we saw more and more hand-painted signs with clever little slogans like “WORST PRESIDENT EVER! SAY NO TO SOCIALISM!” or “REAL MEN VOTE YES. SO DO SMART AND PRETTY LADIES!” (actual sign on 94 by Fergus Falls). As we crossed the border to ND, we started seeing hand painted political signs against “5”. The first one we saw said “Don’t hurt hunters and farmers! NO on 5!”



Well, shit. I don’t know who’s hurting all these hunters and farmers but I hope they beat this “5” thing and leave the poor guys alone.



The second sign we saw said “Stop outside special interests! Vote no on 5!”



So it’s outside special interests coming to hurt hunters and farmers? Somebody needs to stop them! These poor hunters and farmers are getting hurt by outside special interests! If I could, I’d have voted no on 5 right there on the spot. Hunters and farmers are people, too!



When I was home last night I remembered all the “no on 5” signs in ND so I decided to look up what that bill was all about. Was it a law that, if passed, allowed outside special interests to come in and punch hunters and farmers? Who knows?



Turns out it’s a measure that, if passed, will make it a felony to torture dogs, cats and horses.



Seriously. Here’s the official ballot measure courtesy of ballotpedia

Initiated Statutory Measure No. 5
This initiated statutory measure would create section 36-21.1-02.1 of the North Dakota Century Code. This measure would make it a class C felony for an individual to maliciously and intentionally burn, poison, crush, suffocate, impale, drown, blind, skin, beat to death, drag to death, exsanguinate, disembowel, or dismember any living dog, cat or horse and provide a court with certain sentencing options. The measure would not apply to production agriculture, or to lawful activities of hunters and trappers, licensed veterinarians, scientific researchers, or to individuals engaged in lawful defense of life or property.

YES — means you approve the measure summarized above.
NO — means you reject the measure summarized above.




Okay. How the shit does this hurt hunters and farmers?



Seriously. Have I been Pheasant hunting the wrong way all these years? I mean, I’ve shot a few birds but I haven’t beaten any cats to death or exanguinated any horses. They never covered horse exanguination in our gun safety class.



Also, how does this hurt farmers? Exactly how many dogs do you have to impale to grow an acre of corn?



There’s a ton of exemptions for all this written into the measure, too! If this measure passes you can still drag a cat to death if you’re a licensed veterinarian or scientist. You can still blind a horse if you can prove he wanted to kill you.

It’s not just a few farmers off of 94 that feel this way, either. North Dakota seems pretty split down the middle on whether it’s within your rights to disembowel a dog for no reason.



Granted, it seems some of the opposition comes from the fact that the bill is limited in scope and does nothing to prevent the most common forms of animal abuse seen in the state. Which sort of makes sense I guess but “it’s not good enough” shouldn’t invoke such vehement opposition. The other big sticking point with the “vote no” crowd is that a lot of the financial support for this bill is coming from the Humane Society of the United States (the “outside special interest group”). To get a better idea of why people oppose this, you can either read this article detailing farmer’s concerns or just check out this comment from a blog post criticizing measure 5

mony • 13 days ago −
Im born and raised north dakotan hillbilly broke horses raise cattle chickens goats aint never done nothin wrong this measure was NOT wrote here some dumbass veggie lovin ass did it wake up nd all animals are equql not just the horses cats n dogs vote no and say yes when they can protect ALL farm critters i hunt and trap and there is nothin inhumane about it like i said wake up nd and if u aint from here dont vote this year u city crybaby jerk




Man, I thought politics in this state were fucked up…

Protect Hunters and Farmers! Because… horses…. uh….

Jena Does a Political Post

Bill said he was done doing political posts. I haven’t made one yet… not my thing. I’m not nearly the die hard Democrat he is. Hell, I’m not a Democrat. And no, that doesn’t make me a Republican. I just don’t really feel that the views of either of those political parties match mine enough to where I’m willing to ascribe myself to it.

Which makes it really hard to get riled up over what one party is doing vs another. I’m just constantly angry at everyone

I suppose I’m probably more libertarian than anything, only Ayn Rand makes me want to vomit. Oh sure- there are a couple of good ideas in there about owning your responsibility and going out and doing, but her views on the rest of humanity make me want to puke until all of the bile is out of my body so I don’t have to taste it anymore when her name comes up.

Really, politics just make me tired and cranky. They make me want to tear my hair and cry. Like a 4 year old. Like THIS 4 year old:

[youtube=http://youtu.be/kj5bmcBSQyM]

Well played, little girl.