Monthly Archives: August 2012

FREE JULIAN ASSANGE BECAUSE… well…

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Julian Assange, the weird albino creator of Wikileaks has been holed up in the Ecuadoran Embassy in London since June 19th because British authorities want to have him extradited to Sweden! Swedish authorities have been trying to put him in prison for years now simply because he made Wikileaks!



Wait… what’s that? Sweden just wants him to stand trial after he skipped bail on rape and assault charges from two different women?



That’s weird because PolanskiImeanAssange supporters are making this sound like some free speech battle or something.



Huh. Crazy. So just so we’re clear, Julian Assange was charged with rape, went to jail in England, paid bail and sought asylum so he couldn’t be extradited to Sweden to stand trial. He’s not fleeing some trumped up charges or false imprisonment, he’s simply avoiding facing the charges against him in court. He hasn’t even been found guilty or sentenced for anything.



So basically all these people protesting and getting arrested in England are defending a man because he doesn’t want to stand trial when a couple of chicks said he raped them?



Anonymous fights for free speech unless that speech is coming from a woman that said Julian Assange raped her.





These people won’t rest until Julian Assange is placed above the system.





“You can arrest me but you’ll never arrest Julian Assange for a way, way worse crime!”





Granted, the the case is a little murky and there is a chance that he’s being targeted because he’s a high profile individual but that doesn’t put him above the law. If I got charged with rape I couldn’t just run to an embassy even if the charges were trumped up. I’d have to stand trial. That’s how this shit works.



The other factor at play here is that you can’t be sure if the charges are false. If this actually did happen not only did he commit a crime but he pretty much kicked the victims while they were down with all this running, hiding and protests.



I kind of understand where his supporters are coming from, though. It’s hard to look at the man and think he could successfully force himself upon a woman –



He just don’t look that rapey.

The Only Dude at Jo-Ann Fabrics.

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I’ve never had a problem going out and buying things for my lady. Tampons, pantyhose, whatever. I really don’t know why guys have a problem with that stuff. The embarrassment factor is bullshit (as explained by the stand up comedy of Chad Daniels below) –



[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wq-PZxaqHso&w=420&h=315]



If anything, going out and getting stuff for the wife is just proof I get laid so I had no problem when Jena asked me to head to Jo-Ann Fabrics to get her some black thread for a sewing project last night. In and out, no big deal. Off to Jo-Ann Fabric.



“experience the creativity” replaced their old, less popular slogan “abandon hope all ye who enter here”





I go in the store, shedding any notion of some Dave Barry-esque idea that I’ll wither and die in a store that doesn’t have beef jerky or whatever. I’m just a dude going into a store to buy a thing. I find the thread, get a few spools and make my way to the register. I notice that with all the stuff around me I’d probably never find myself in this store on my own accord there’s plenty of people who are into this kind of stuff. Different strokes for different folks. I probably wouldn’t like it if some 50 year old cat lady walked into a comic book store and started scoffing at how she couldn’t believe anybody would buy this stuff. I am a modern guy! On to checkout!



I get to the checkout and there’s only four people in line. Sweet. I should be out of there in just a few minutes.



CUT TO: 30 MINUTES LATER



I’m still in goddamn line. What the hell? Four old ladies buying a few things. How the fuck did this happen?



I need to get out of here. It’s been a half hour and there’s still two people ahead of me in line because you don’t just buy things at Jo-Ann Fabric. You talk to the employees about what you’re buying, why you’re buying it, what you bought in the past and what you’ll be buying in the future. I left my cellphone in the car, too so I can’t dick around on facebook to pass the time! There’s a magazine/book rack but it’s full of things that would just bore me to sleep –



1. This is a thing people try to learn? 2. It takes a whole book to learn it?





Shit. I could really use some beef jerky right now. Holy shit! Dave Barry was right! He wasn’t funny but he was right!



I don’t even know what the woman at the register is even trying to do. I think she’s trying to return shoelaces without a receipt because it turns out she doesn’t need them for her birdhouse? They need to get a manager down there? Jesus Christ!



I finally go to the register, the cashier rings me up and I swipe my card. Twenty seconds. A new Jo-Ann Fabrics record! I want to turn to the people in line and say “SEE? IT’S THAT FUCKING EASY!”



I get ready to sign the pad and she tells me my card is declined.



Turns out the transfer to my account didn’t happen until after business close so the money won’t be in until the next business day. Meaning I’ll have to go back to Jo-Ann fabric.



God help me.

Go Out and Vote Today! Or Not. It’s Just the Primaries, Really.

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Today hundreds of Americans will meander lazily to local schoolhouses, churches and those buildings in public parks that are always locked up and when you see them you’re always like “what are those buildings for? They’re never fucking open!” to vote for which candidate they wish to represent their preferred party in the Senate and House.



Also, some district judges and school board spots or whatever.



I went and voted in the primaries this morning –



Proof!





I’ve never actually voted in a primary before because, well… they’re the primaries. Today, however, I was reminded by the Star Tribune that today was primary day and the stars aligned for me to go out and vote because –

1: I don’t have a pesky job to keep me from the polling booth during voting hours (although voting is a great way to duck out of work. I think employers legally have to let you go out and vote).

2: The nearest polling place is a three minute walk from my front door.

3: The U.S. Rep in my district, Keith Ellison, is being challenged by an out of state, fetus fetishizing islamophobe and while I’ve stated that Boisclair has no chance, the Ellison camp seems concerned enough to throw $5 to some facebook ads so I figured I’d put out equal effort-

This is the first time anybody’s ever been affected by a facebook ad ever.





Will you vote in today’s primaries? To find out if voting in the primaries is right for you, ask yourself these questions –

Do you like voting but hate long lines? Or any lines? Do you enjoy the thought of being the only person in the room who is not an election judge?

Do you enjoy free stickers? I only got one but this is the primaries, baby! They’re flying casual today. You can probably get all the stickers you want! Ask for a dozen.

Are you running for school board? Did you know that you can vote for yourself if you’re on the ballot?

Do you live in Minnesota’s fifth district? Is your Representative who’s actually pretty cool and good at his job being challenged by some insane Randall Terry hand-puppet?


If you answered “yes” to any of these questions then voting in the primaries may just be right for you so head on down to your local polling place!



Or don’t. Whatever.

Romney Picks Worst Possible VP Candidate.

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So Mitt Romney finally decided to pick a veep and it’s US Rep. Paul Ryan. The news is doing their best to wring every possible story out of this from the left and the right. CNN won’t stop talking about how Ryan wants to eliminate Medicare or whatever and Fox News actually said he understands the working class because in high school he worked at a McDonald’s. Personally, I think this is the worst choice Romney could have made. Not because of Ryan’s policies, views or history. Paul Ryan is a shit choice because there’s nothing funny about him.



He even looks too normal. I mean, his ears are kind of big but not really… ugh.





There’s just nothing funny about the guy. He doesn’t hate gays or if he does he doesn’t really make it public, he doesn’t call Planned Parenthood a crime syndicate or anything like that. He doesn’t belong to a wacky religion or have a crazy wife. I can’t get an angle on this guy for humor because all he talks about is the economy.



Granted, his ideas are bad but they’re not “hilariously bad”. In fact, some of his ideas actually sound kind of good at first glance but when you do some nuanced deconstruction of what he’s saying you see that they’re really flawed. Like his idea to close all corporate tax loopholes while lowering the corporate tax amount sounds good but when you realize he doesn’t distinguish the difference between bullshit “loopholes” and credits to companies that keep work in the U.S, reduce carbon emissions etc. it’s pretty messed up. That’s why there’s so many videos on youtube of Paul Ryan “schooling” political news anchors and commentators. His ideas are the kind that you can just shout at somebody and if they don’t bother looking into it they kind of make sense but that’s not funny.



Seriously, Mitt could have done so much better with his choice. There were so many funny VP candidates to choose from. Crazy Ayotte, that tub-o-sweat Christie or even goofy ol’ Pawlenty but this is the guy he went with? What am I supposed to do with that?



The only thing that’s even remotely funny is that he’s got a huge boner for Ayn Rand. So much that he makes his staff read her books. The fact that he collected Social Security benefits from age 16-18 after his father’s death and used the money to pay for his education is kind of ironic and funny (especially since Ayn Rand collected Social Security, too) but I can’t really do too much with that.



Way to go, Mitt. You blew it.

MEANWHILE, IN THE OFFICES OF THE HUFFINGTON POST

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EDITOR: Great job watching yesterday’s Daily Show, Colbert Report and Rachel Maddow, writing descriptions of what you saw and posting those descriptions with embedded videos of said shows, people! What’s next on the docket?



“WRITER”: We still need a top story for tomorrow, sir.



EDITOR: Okay, we need a headline! Something that people need to know! Something that will grab their attention! Serious journalism aggregation!



“WRITER”: Well, there’s an AP article on the summer drought causing a corn shortage…



EDITOR: Any way we can link this to Romney?



“WRITER”: Well, not really.



EDITOR: Then you’re wasting my time, kid!



“WRITER”: But this is really important stuff! A shortage of corn could be disastrous. We use corn for so many things! It’s used in so many food products, it’s used to feed livestock, even ethanol gas is made from corn! This can affect food prices and fuel prices. A shortage of corn in this shakey economy could potentially lead to a national crisis!



EDITOR: Hm. Good point. Okay, you convinced me! Sprinkle on the usual “according to the Associated Press” and “the article said” throughout the original piece and throw it up on the site! Now all we need is a headline…



“WRITER”: Okay, I was thinking something that would really convey the severity of the issue.



EDITOR: I got it! Let’s use a corn pun!



“WRITER”: …Saywhatnow?



EDITOR: Yeah! A corn pun! That’s what’s needed to jazz this boring old article up! Something like “Aw Shucks!”.



“WRITER”: You can’t be serious.



EDITOR: I’ve been repurposing newswire articles for nearly a decade and I’ll be goddamned if I get told how to do my job from some snot nosed kid straight out of UNC! If you want the article on the front page it’s going up with a corn pun!





Country Music Star Randy Travis Jailed for Acting Out Country Music Song

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In an effort to connect with fans and show that he hasn’t lost touch with his country roots, Randy Travis was arrested earlier this week for drunk driving and threatening police officers.



I think we’ve found his next album cover!





Luckily, a couple of fans bailed him out because they knew what he was doing.



See, you may not realize this but Randy Travis is a method country music writer. Much like the method actor, he has to completely immerse himself into the feeling of a song if he wants to write. He was just trying to get into the mindset of writing a new song. It hasn’t been released yet but I’ve pulled a few strings to get a leaked copy of the lyrics. Here you go! –



“You Broke My Heart, I Broke The Law, My Car And My Liver”

Well ever since you left me,
I’ve done nothin’ every day but drink,
So to clear my head, I stripped naked,
drove to the store to think,

I wanted to buy some cigarettes but my
naked body carried no cash
wrapped my car around a telephone pole,
decided I’d follow suit and crash,

well the cops showed up a half hour later
and, you could blame this on the booze
but when they woke me I was a might rowdy
from them interrupting my snooze

(chorous)
I said “I’ll kiiiiiiill you fucking pigs!
Do you know who the fuck I am?
I’m country superstar Randy Travis!
King of this podunk land!”
(end chorous)

the police didn’t take kindly to
the way I ranted and wailed
They tazered my nutsack and roughed me up
and before I knew, I was jailed

But lucky for me we’re in the south
I’m famous and I’m white
Some hillbillies took pity on me
and bailed me out the next night

(repeat chorous 2x)


He’s not some pathetic, has been, belligerent drunk. He’s an artist.


Is Keith Ellison a Baby Murdering, Christian Mutilating Freedom Hater?

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Of course he isn’t. Congressman Ellison is a freedom loving man who has never murdered a single baby and wouldn’t harm a hair on a Christian’s head. Nobody would make such wild accusations against a congressman. If they did, they’d have to be totally bananers.



Oh, wait.


[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tlfeUZr3OOc&w=560&h=315]
would you trust a man who swore his oath on a book once owned by Thomas Jefferson?



Meet Gary Boisclair. Gary is running against Keith Ellison for a congressional seat in Minnesota’s 5th district. Gary will lose because Gary’s crazy. If that ad wasn’t enough for you, he did another one about abortions (click here for the ad. The embed code isn’t working for this which is okay since it’s super gross and chock-full-o’-fetuses. I don’t want all those fetii clogging up my blog).



For more information about how Gary’s batshit insane, let’s look at his website, garyinthehouse.com –



Do you think he flirted with the idea of making the domain “garyinDAhouse.com”? I’d like to think he did.




1. Boom. First image on the headline banner? Most candidates would go with a picture of themselves or their family or their campaign logo. Not Gary. Fetus in yo’ face! Ellison kills these! And probably eats them on Ramadan or something! Sharia Law!

2. That “click here to learn more” link? Click it and it takes you to a two page diatribe written by lunatic Randall Terry about how The economy sucks because God’s punishing us for abortions. Really.



Randall Terry screaming at gay people with a megaphone.




3. Oh hey look how all his press releases and news links are only about how awful his ads are and how TV Stations are only running them because they’re legally required to.



I really take comfort in the fact that this guy has no chance of winning. His brand of Islamophobic fetus fetishism might fly in Bachmann’s neck of the woods but Minnesota’s fifth district consists of Minneapolis and a couple of immediate suburbs. Who would even help bankroll this guy’s awful ads?



Come to think of it, I would. I would donate to this guy’s campaign.



Think about it. It’s well established that Boisclair has absolutely no chance of winning. The man’s clearly insane, he’s running as a “tea party Democrat” which just confuses people and he’s spouting anti-Muslim rhetoric in a district that houses 80% of the state’s Muslim population.



Now that we’ve made it clear that there’s no way this guy would win, wouldn’t you want to donate to his campaign just to see the crazy ads he’d make between now and election day?



Think about it. If the christian killing and dead fetus parade ads were just the first two and political ads get more heated and inflammatory the closer it gets to election, where would he go from here? I kind of want to donate just to see if he can make one of Ellison hitting a pregnant woman in the stomach with a Koran or photoshop him in a cave with Osama Bin Laden eating babies or something. I kind of want to see just how far this nutjub will go.



Kind of. I’m not actually going to give him any of my money. Guy’s a goddamn loon.

I Review a Bunch of Movies on Redbox Without Watching Them

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Do you remember Blockbuster video? Are you old enough to actually remember waiting in line for like 15 minutes on a Friday evening to rent a couple of five dollar new releases that you’d probably end up paying ten bucks in late for because you returned them a day late? Blockbuster had America by the nuts in the ’90s and early ’00s so nobody really shed any tears when they filed for bankruptcy in 2010.



They refused to evolve with the industry. They got hurt bad when Netflix and Redbox came around and now with Netflix streaming and Video OnDemand nobody ever needs to go to a Blockbuster store ever again. It’s crazy that video rental stores even exist anymore. It’d be like seeing a Homo Erectus walking around –



Blockbuster, Netflix/Redbox, streaming.





Hell, it’s been at least two years since I’ve even used a Redbox kiosk but you still see them everywhere. I actually saw one at a gas station the other day just to see what it was offering. What I saw could fall into three categories.

1: Actual new releases. Stuff that was in the theater several months ago. There were only a couple of titles in this category.

2. Popular stuff from the last decade labeled “returning to Redbox!” Just a couple of titles here, too.

3. Straight to video shit that I’ve never heard of. This was like 80% of the kiosk’s stock.



Since you’ve probably never heard of these movies either I thought I’d sum up the plot of a few of them for you based on title alone (I did this once before with Shark Night 3D. Check it out!). Here we go!


LOL

“You can change your status, but not your heart.” That was the actual tagline on the poster. Seriously.





Miley Cyrus plays Lola, a teenager that can only speak and understand textspeak due to a head injury suffered while twittering. Demi Moore plays her mother, a speech therapist who has to quit her day job to spend more time with the most challenging patient of her career, her daughter. At first, Lola doesn’t really see what the problem is since all her teenage friends can still understand her perfectly but she eventually agrees to the speech therapy sessions with her mother after she breaks down crying trying to talk to somebody over 35 years old. Emotions run high as the sessions prove difficult and at one point Lola screams “STFU! I H8 U!” and runs away. Wandering through the city she sees a mother and daughter talking to each other about Justin Bieber and she realizes how important communication is. She run back to her mother, hugging her tightly saying “I less than sign three u! I less than sign three u! I love you! I…” Her mother looks at her, tears welling in her eyes. Fade to black.



KNOCK KNOCK 2

I’m honestly surprised the tagline for this isn’t “who’s there?”.





In this sequel, the Knock Knock killer escapes from prison once again to torment victims by locking them in rooms and forcing them to knock on the door and telling every knock knock joke they know. If the deranged lunatic likes their knock knock joke, he sets them free. If not, he knocks on the door until they say “who’s there?” and the answer is a gruesome death.



COUGAR CULT

“These cougars EAT their cubs!” … literally. Like, they actually try to eat them.





Okay it’s actually impossible to make up a plot for this that’s wackier than the actual one so I’m just going to tell you what this movie’s actually about. Three women are cougars in more ways than one! They’re sort of attractive middle aged women who like to have sex with younger guys and also they can turn into literal cougars. Like, the animal. They lure three unsuspecting young guys with great abs to their mansion so they can kill and eat them to become young again.

This movie takes the sad metaphor of older women using younger men to reclaim lost youth and turns it into a sad literal thing that’s supposed to be a horror movie. Seriously. Here’s the trailer.



[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6LKNfQmOdxM&w=560&h=315]



I think the young guys end up defeating them by hiding their control top pantyhose and telling them they dated their daughters a few years ago.


Lost at Fringe

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Bill is out working on a top secret project, so today’s hurried post comes to you from myself while lost in a see of Fringe Madness.

I have 3 shows I’m involved with, keeping me very busy. I’d like to take a moment to share them with you before I get to the meat of the blog post.


First up is a show that both myself and Bill are performing in… “Stop Talking: The Game of Talking”.

Thursday, August 9th: Host: Tim Wick. Timekeeper: Patricia Wick… Players: Bill Stiteler, Chrys Vanderkamp, Bill Young, Aric McKewn, Eric Knight and Dawn Krosnowski

Friday, August 10th: Host: Tim Wick. Timekeeper: Sara Stevenson Scrimshaw… Players: Joseph Scrimshaw, Jena Young, Kelvin Hatle, Jen Scott, Jerry Belich, Windy Bowlsby and Mike Fotis

Sunday, August 12th: Host: Joseph Scrimshaw. Timekeeper: Sara Stevenson Scrimshaw… Players: Bill Stiteler, Tim Wick, Matt Allex, Courtney McLean, Bill Young and Windy Bowlsby

We’ve done this show before, and though I’m sad that I won’t get to play with Bill on stage (giggity), I *am* exited to share a stage with the above listed.

The second show I’m involved with is “On the Differences Between Two Ladies and the Resolution Thereof”. It’s about the first emancipated duel between two women. Much of it is true to the actual event. I’m the fight choreographer/fight director for this show, and though the performance style isn’t what I typically go for, I am pleased with the end result. The show is getting mixed reviews, and I think much of it is that many people have expectations of what kind of style and pacing a show in the Fringe should have, and it doesn’t match. But the people that love it LOVE it, and the people that hate it HATE it. It’s my favorite kind of response to get for a show.

The third and final show I’m doing is “Fringe Orphans”. It’s a clump of vignettes tied together by nothing. Seriously. We keep getting people looking for a theme, or a tie in, or something, but really kids, we don’t pretend it’s going to be anything like that. Just an assortment of skits. I think all of them are fantastic, though I’m biased toward my own. I “wrote”, directed, and partially choreographed our scene, with other choreography done by Chris Olsen and Mike Lubke.

Now that I’ve done my duty in pimping my fringe shows, here’s a thing that’s been bothering me about Fringe this year… WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO WOBBLES?!?!?!

The beloved Fringe Mascot Wobbles of the past many forever years is missing, and those masterminds at MN Fringe aren’t talking. Typically, if you lose someone dear to you, you launch a search, or at least talk to everyone you know about how your child is missing. Instead, Wobbles has been replaced by an XKCD character. You didn’t think we’d notice, MN Fringe? You thought you could just dress up some stick figure and put him in Wobbles place, walking by, whistling, with your hands in your pockets?? He doesn’t even have whiskers!

But they’re not talking. It’s got me suspicious. Especially since the rating system has also changed. Stars? Who the hell uses stars as a rating system?

I had hope earlier that we may be able to still save Wobbles, as I would once in a while see a very bad review of my a show with a 1 kitty rating. Sadly, it looks like those kitties are all gone now. I heard the last mewlings of Wobbles, too late to save him.

So here’s to our beloved Wobbles. May he rest in peace in that big thrust stage in the sky.

And MN Fringe Heads… I’m watching you.

MECH SUITS ARE REAL AND YOU CAN BUY THEM.

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I saw this last night on Sam Landman’s blog regret-a-day. Mech suits are real. You can buy one.



[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2iZ0WuNvHr8&w=560&h=315]



You can buy the Kuratas mech suit from Suidobashi Heavy Industry for the low low price of about $1,500,000 (if you get the gatling gun and rocket launcher). It autotargets and you can control it from your smartphone. I’d talk more about the “smile shot” but regret-a-day already covered that pretty well.



So why even talk about it if somebody else already did a funny piece on it? Is this blog just becoming a funny news aggregation site like some farm league Huffington Post? No. I’m telling you about this because I want to own one and I think you can help me.



help make my dreams come true.





I want to make a kickstarter campaign to help buy me a Kuratas mech suit. I’ll need a lot of people to help on this because I currently have roughly no money of my own to contribute but I’m going to offer plenty of attractive incentives. Here’s the list so far –



$1 LEVEL
You get nothing. Come on, this thing costs 1.5 million dollars. You really want something for a buck?



$10 LEVEL
I will send you an email thanking you for your donation! It will be a form letter but I’ll make a few changes to make it seem personal, not just the name! Maybe a whole personalized sentence in the email!



$50 LEVEL
I will call you on the phone to thank you for your donation! Then I will ask how it’s going with you to make it seem like I’m not just after your money but if you go on too long I’ll make up an excuse for having to go.



$100 LEVEL
Now we’re talking. Donate $100 and I will bake some chocolate chip cookies and mail 10 of them to you with a note thanking you and a picture of me in the Kuratas! I’m actually a pretty good baker.



$500 LEVEL
Hey there, Mr. or Mrs. or Ms. Generous! Here you’ll get everything at the $100 level plus a DVD from my shelf that I’ll never watch like The Bourne Ultimatum or An Inconvenient Truth!



$1,000 LEVEL
Damn! Here you get everything from the $100 level and $500 level plus an audio recording of me laughing like a maniac while I shoot something with the gatling gun in my mech suit!



$10,000 LEVEL
Look at you, Doctor Moneybags! You’ll get everything from the $100 level on up plus a picture of Amanda Palmer’s tits!



$100,000 LEVEL
Yowza! Donate at this level and you’ll of course get everything from the $100 level on up and on top of that I will roll up to your house in the Kuratas if you live within reasonable meching distance (meching’s like driving but in a mech)! Once in front of your place I will shoot one object of your choice with the gatling gun.



$500,000 LEVEL
Holy shitting Jesus on a pogo stick! At this level you get EFTHDLU (Everything From The Hundred Dollar Level Up) and I’ll let you drive the Kuratas around the block! Twice (or once if it’s one of those really long suburban blocks)!



$1,000,000 LEVEL
Really? At this point you might as well buy your own mech suit. Whatever. I’m not going to look a gift mech in the mouth. At this level you get everything from the $100 level up and you get to name the mech suit (limit 1. The mech can only have one name)! Think about it, you can name it anything you want and I will put it on the mech suit! You can name it “fart huffer” if you want and I’ll have to paint that on the arm! Honestly though I hope you name it something cool. Not “fart huffer”. I don’t even know why I gave you that idea.


Hopefully this kickstarter will work. I tried to trade my way up to it from a red paperclip but so far all I’ve got is a blue paperclip.