Monthly Archives: May 2012

Fox News… I don’t… Jesus Christ, Fox News… Goddamnit.

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I’ll usually check out the front page of all the major news sites every morning. I’d love to say that it’s because I like to stay informed on what’s going on in the world but really I’m just looking for stories to make fun of for the blog. I’ll start with CNN, go on to MSNBC and then Fox News.



I know Fox can be biased but they’re still a news organization and a lot of their web content is just slightly aggregated AP and Reuters stuff. Most of their heavily biased stuff is saved for their horrifying Fox Nation page anyway. You wouldn’t expect to see their most biased stuff on the front page, right?



Wrong. Wrong wrong wrong. Fucking wrong.



The headline fucking piece on foxnews.com today is a bullshit non-story about how the white house added links to the end of presidential biographies. So, after a president’s bio on the white house website they added a new section called “Did you know?” Here’s the one for BushII –



Did you know?

In 2002, President George W. Bush’s State of the Union was the first to be live broadcast on the Internet. In 2011 and 2012, President Obama’s State of the Union speeches were available in an enhanced live stream version that featured infographics, charts and data side-by-side in real time with the President’s speech.
In 2009, former President Bush partnered with 42nd President Clinton to help rebuild Haiti, after the country was devastated by an earthquake.



Okay, a slightly political but incredibly benign move. Here’s that story with a little Fox News sprinkled on it.



Goddamnit.





Click the link to the article page and the headline reads “White House under fire for adding Obama policy plugs to past presidents’ bios”. Read the article and you find out who he’s under fire from. Bloggers. There’s a tumblr set up to make fun of him. No other news organization has reported on this and no other politician has questioned his motives. It’s nothing and they’re pretty much lying about it. To read the headline and see the picture you’d think he was altering FDR’s bio to say Obama helped win WW2.



Well of course Fox News pulls this incredibly partisan bullshit but we all know that’s how they play. Who takes everything Fox News says at face value?



PEOPLE WHO READ FOXNEWS.COM DO. THEY’RE FUCKING IDIOTS.



This was honestly the first comment I saw when I read the article.



cobrajet69 0 minutes ago
This just shows that Obama is Mentally ill, cut & pasting his picture with people he didn’t even know……this is not normal behavior



You know he didn’t… that was actually Fox News who… which they shouldn’t even have done in… forget it.


Don’t even bother trying to read the other comments. If these people bash Obama when the article has nothing to do with him you can only imagine what they say when an article outright attacks him. I saw the term “porch monkey” in no less than five comments and one guy called him “GAYBAMA”.


Goddamnit, Fox News.

One Weird Trick to Get a Bunch of Strange Pervy Shut-Ins to Read Your Blog

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Way back in 2011, when Michele Bachmann seemed unstoppable in her quest for the Republican presidential nomination and everybody was talking about this new fad called “the facebook”, I wrote a blog about stupid banner ads. Here was one of the ads I successfully skewered with my rapier wit –



stupid ad, consider yourself made fun of!





After a while, some search engine hits came in looking for “the girl from the one weird trick ad” or some close variation. I eventually did a blog about all the attention Dreadlock McHigheyes was getting. One of my friends found out she’s actually a German stock photo model known only as colorful woman.


Since then I have been getting way too many search engine hits of people looking for this girl. Don’t believe me? Here’s a screengrab from one day–



Don’t worry about that “cockfack” search. Different recurring blog.




It’s recently come to where the people are actually commenting about her. Sometimes they wish I had more info about her –



She is beautiful, colorful, pierced, I checked on the links you provided and that is her stock photo alright but nothing about who she is! Does she live near me? Does she have a boyfriend? Has she ever done adult film? We need to know these things! (protip: If one of your questions for a girl is “have you ever done an adult film?” you don’t need to know if she has a boyfriend because she won’t talk to you after that question).



Some are downright angry that I have the wrong “one weird trick” model –



I have checked on the somnipure model about six times (though Im not the everyday guy but you must be exagerrating anyways or the number would be more than thirty).
I seriously doubt you have the right model. That is one nasty looking girl and something happened to her hair.
I would gladly send you a pic but not sure it would do me any good. You could certainly benefit from using a bit more brainpower when making silly blog entries. They do have about five different models; why assume its that freakazoid?



That actually happened. My writing was insulted by a guy stalking girls from internet banner ads. I don’t know how to feel about that.


Well, it can’t be stopped so as long as you pervs are here I hope you get a few laughs reading my blogs about hotel shower caps and making fun of Mitt Romney. Good luck with your creepy obsessions!

Man vs. Goose and Also Some Old Fat Ladies in a Minivan

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We all have those moments in our lives that we wish we could have done over. A situation where we could have handled something more gracefully or said something more clever –



The jerk store called. They’re running out of you!





This is one of those stories.



Yesterday Jena, Jared (my stepson), my sister, her husband and I all carpooled down to Little Canada to hang out with my mom for Mother’s day. Mom wanted to go to Culver’s for lunch but there wasn’t enough room in the car for everybody so Jena, the boy and I walked there as it was only a few blocks away and if I was going to eat at a place that calls their hamburgers “Butterburgers” I might want to get some exercise.



As we were walking towards Culver’s we came across some geese strutting down the street like they were a bunch of cows in India.



Buncha arrogant pricks.





I think we can all agree that geese are jerks. They’re loud, they’ll walk down the middle of any street like they own it, they shit all over little league baseball fields and they fight people with lightsabers for no reason.



[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AKyu0NlnnWQ&w=420&h=315]


Geese suck so I figured it would be of no consequence when I turned to Jena and said “Gimme a sec. I’m gonna go chase a goose for a bit.” She gave me the standard “you’re such a child” and off I went to go bother a goose for a few seconds.



The aim here is neither to catch or hit the goose. I honestly don’t know what I’d do with a goose if I caught it and I don’t want to hurt it. The goose has not personally wronged me and frankly I’m outnumbered. The boy would be no good in a fight and the wife wouldn’t back me up merely on principle. I just want to chase the goose to the point where it flies away. I don’t know why but if he flies away, I win. That’s how the game is played. I don’t make the rules (actually I do).



I start by walking towards the goose. Goose sees what’s going on and starts casually walking away from me like I’m no big threat, he just wants to go over there now. I pick up the pace to show I mean business and the goose starts walking a little faster and more deliberately. My stride becomes that of a light jog and the goose starts flapping his wings as he walks away as if to say “hey, buddy. Don’t make me fly away because I will fly away SO HARD”. Once I get that wing warning it’s full sprint, waving my arms above my head like a madman and shouting “HEY, GOOSE!” The goose flies away to a nearby pond and I make my way back towards the Culver’s parking lot. I win. Fuck you, goose.



Right as I start walking back I notice a car stopped on the street about fifty feet away from me. A woman was sticking her head out of the driver’s side rear window and yelling “HEY, JACKASS!”. I turned to her and she screamed “DONT YA HAVE ANYTHING BETTER TO DO THAN CHASE A BUNCH OF GEESE AROUND?”



I politely hollered back “Uh, not really!” and started walking toward Jena. The woman continued to scream “YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF, BOTHERING INNOCENT GEESE LIKE THAT. YOU’RE SETTING A HORRIBLE EXAMPLE FOR YOUR SON.”



I’m seriously confused at this point. Are they actually mad at me for chasing a goose? I look at Jena and she’s crouched over holding her stomach and laughing hysterically. The woman in the car screeched “WHY DON’T YOU CHASE YOUR WIFE, INSTEAD?”



I start to run towards Jena but she doesn’t move, she’s too busy trying not to collapse from her laughter. I turned to the woman in the car and said “See, I chase her but she doesn’t run away. It’s not the same!” Another woman shouted from the driver’s window “YOU’RE PATHETIC, YA JACKASS!” and I gather up the wife and kid to just wait inside Culver’s for everybody else to show up.



As soon as I step inside Culver’s I regret not engaging those women more. It’s just really weird, having a stranger yell at you for something you don’t think would make anybody mad. Pile on the fact that I was a little light headed for running for five seconds and I was in no shape to go toe to toe with those ladies but as soon as I’m away from the situation I start thinking of all the things I could have said and done to make it funnier.



I pull out my phone and set the camera to video mode, thinking if she’s still out there I’d interview her and throw it up on youtube or the blog but everybody else shows up, we order our food and sit down.



To make things even weirder as we sat, chatted and ate I saw her car in the same exact spot for a half hour. I don’t know if they were waiting for me to come out because they thought of the perfect thing to say or what but I kept my phone at the ready in case they burst in and started chasing me around shouting “HOW DO YOU LIKE IT, JACKASS?”


They were gone by the time we had finished the meal. I regret not going back out there to film them. I regret not chasing more geese just to piss them off. I just have to make sure I don’t let the regret eat at me. I’d hate to spend the next several weekends chasing geese around the Little Canada Culver’s like Costanza digging into a bucket of shrimp in hopes that those weird ladies show up to yell at me again.

I Don’t Think I’m Mom Enough.

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So here’s the Time magazine cover that’s got everybody’s panties in a bunch this week –







Okay. All the news articles I’ve read about it say that the kid on the cover is three years old but he easily could pass for five. I don’t know if his mom is taking growth hormones to increase milk production or what but that is one huge three year old.



The article is about “attachment parenting” (the link goes to the AP wiki page. I’d link the Time article but stupid Time magazine wants you to pay to read their stuff). A form of parenting that supposedly fosters better bonds between parents and kids. This includes carrying them around in a sling, sleeping in the same bed as them, stay-at-home parenting and not getting babysitters and breastfeeding when the kid is old enough to unhook his mom’s bra one handed.



You can almost hear a collective sigh of relief from all those parents who make their kids wear helmets at the playground because they’re no longer considered the craziest parents on the block.



Whatever. I’m not going to tell people how to raise their kids but it’s certainly not how I’d go about doing things. In fact, it sounds like a recipe for raising a kid to go all Norman Bates on you. Just look at him –



Stop looking at the hot mom for a second and tell me that kid doesn’t look creepy.





It’s like he’s looking at you just daringyou to take him off that tit. Think about it. He probably asks his mom for food in full sentences. “Mom, can you please lift up your shirt? I’m hungry.”



I’m not sure what the acceptable cutoff age is for breastfeeding but I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to have vivid memories of sucking on your mom’s tit as a child.

Dark Shadows.

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I haven’t seen any trailers or heard anything about Dark Shadows but I heard Tim Burton’s directing it so I’m guessing it stars Johnny Depp playing some pasty faced, foppish weirdo.


Just






call







it







a







hunch.









I’m not saying Tim Burton is in love with Johnny Depp in paleface makeup but I’m not completely convinced Helena Bonham Carter isn’t just Johnny Depp in drag.


Or maybe a girl clone.

I Am So Glad I’m Straight.

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You know what’s awesome? Being heterosexual.



I think one of the best things about being straight is that nobody gives me a hard time for it. Not once in my life has anybody made fun of me for my sexual attraction to women. Nobody hates me because I’m straight. A bunch of drunken hillbilly homosexuals have never beat the shit out of me because they hate straight people. Nobody’s ever belittled me because they’re afraid they might be straight and they can’t deal with that. It’s awesome.



What’s even better about it is that the law is totally on my side. I have never been denied a single right because of the gender of people I like to bang. It’s really awesome! I even married somebody and there’s a bunch of laws set up to give me even more rights and protections because I’m married!



I’m glad those laws are set up, too. I love the woman I married and want to spend the rest of my life with her but that totally isn’t necessary for a marriage to happen. I could hate her guts, never touch her and openly plan to divorce her like two months after the wedding and they’d still let us get married.



It’s not even a religious thing. I could literally wipe my ass with a bible during the wedding ceremony but the state would still file the marriage certificate because we’re a man and a woman.



Anyway, I’m glad those laws are set up. I love my wife and I shudder to think of a world where the government wouldn’t allow me to get married to her. Seriously. Not once during the planning of our wedding did I think “what if we can’t?”. Ugh. That’d be terrible.



We spent a year engaged and nobody ever said we shouldn’t get married because we’re straight. That would have been awful, especially if it was the government saying it.



If the government told me that I couldn’t marry the person I loved, if they told me that I’d never be able to marry the person I loved, I would seriously have no faith or trust in my government. If the people of my state voted on whether or not I get to marry the person I love and they voted that I didn’t, I’d feel like a pariah in my own city.



Whelp, good thing I’m straight and don’t have to worry about any of that bullshit. Can you imagine?



Seriously, though. Fuck you, North Carolina. Fuck your state government, fuck your voters, fuck Governor Bev Perdue and fuck your state bird, The Cardinal.

Push up!

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For those of you who read this post or have seen me you may know that I’m a fat guy. Steps have been taken to make myself less fat but progress has been slow so I’ve decided to take extreme measures and make the ultimate sacrifice in my quest to live healthier. I’ve decided to start working out.


Working out is hard. I can’t afford a personal trainer or gym membership and Michelle Obama only cares about fat kids (why doesn’t she care about us fat adults?) but that doesn’t mean working out is impossible. If you can’t afford the Ivan Drago half of the Rocky IV training montage you just do the Rocky half.




Alright, it’ll probably be a while before I’m pulling people on sleds made from logs that i sawed myself but there’s still plenty of workouts I can do for free. If I want to do some cardio I’ll just go for a walk or bike ride. For strength training I can do push ups and sit ups.

In fact, there’s a website that shows you how to do the hundred push ups challenge. It’s a six week program designed to get you worked up to the point where you can crack off a hundred push ups in a row. That’s pretty badass. If I could do a hundred push ups in a row I think I’d show that skill off as often as possible. If I was talking to somebody about fitness and they asked what I do when I work out I would show them by doing a hundred push ups in a row. If somebody dropped their pen on the floor I’d be all like “oh here let me get that for you and do a hundred push ups while I’m down here.”


The program starts with an initial test where you do as many push ups as you can to determine where you should start in the program. If you can only do 1 or 2 you may need to do an extra week of work. If you can already do 100 why are you even starting this program? Yesterday morning I got on the floor for the initial test and I did 12 push ups.



That’s not a lot. It was seriously my limit, too. My armpits are sore this morning. 12? To make matters worse last week I emailed my bio to the guy who booked me for the Canada shows and this is what I sent him –



Bio:
Born in the wild, raised by wolves, trained by the government. Bill Young is the kind of comedian that writes jokes and then tells those jokes to you when he is on stage. His work has appeared in the Cannes International Film Festival twice and he recently headlined the Up and Comers Showcase at the Akumal Comedy Festival. Bill Young can do over 20 push ups.


Shit. What if I’m up there and they ask me to prove it? Everybody knows it’s illegal to lie in Canada! I might get deported or get a beat down from a bunch of Mounties carrying whatever their equivalent to billy clubs are (hockey sticks?).



Alright. This program is supposed to get me to 100 pushups in 6 weeks. Hopefully I can get to 20 in four weeks.


Ugh. Losing weight sucks. I’m gonna rent Heavy Weights on Netflix and eat a jar of peanut butter.

Remember Heavy Weights? It’s actually a really funny movie. Judd Apatow wrote it. No lie.

The Crazy Things You Weirdos Type Into Search Engines: The Legend Continues

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Once upon a time there was a boy who started a blog because he quit his job to be a stay at home stepdad / comedian and his wife said “if you’re going to be home all day you’re gonna write comedy every day.” The boy wrote the blog every weekday and soon, due to his tendency to swear excessively and write about weird topics, the blog started getting hits from google searches that were kind of weird. In fact, some were downright disturbing.


The boy started posting about those search engine hits when he got sick of making fun of republican presidential candidates and now we’re here in our 6th installment of The Things You Weirdos Type Into Search Engines



In case you missed out, here’s links to the previous installments –


Shitting While Standing Bad For Health

Foreskin Donut

I can’t stop farting and it’s affecting my job

the fuck you fuck you dairy

what is the medical term for queef?


and here’s some google search hits from the last 30 days!


south park mr hankey xxx
Okay, it’s bad enough that there’s somebody out there looking for anthropomorphic cartoon turd porn but I got two hits for this one in the same day.

youngnotions.com. Proving rule 34 right on a daily basis.


Hey, speaking of poop –


turd plane comedy
I don’t even know what this person was looking for. A comedy about a plane made out of turds? Jokes about pooping on a plane? In don’t… What?


knitted foreskin
What’s sad about this one is that it’s not even the strangest foreskin related search term that’s led to this site.


god are you there for hindus
I like that it’s not asking “Is God there for Hindus”, it’s asking “god are you there for hindus”. Like the person asking thinks google is god. They’re praying to the internet.


meat goo
I know this one came up because I did a post about pink slime in beef and called it “meat goo” but I’m sure that’s not what this person was looking for. I shudder to think what that person was looking for.


Seriously. You all should be ashamed of yourselves.

The Goste of Superior Shores Resort.

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Hey, kids! Daddy has a splitting headache right now so how about a story from my honeymoon with Jena so I don’t have to read every news site on the internet for something to make fun of? Here we go!


The suite we’re staying at has a guest book where people can share their experience with future guests. Many are from newlywed couples or people celebrating their anniversary talking about how amazing Split Rock Lighthouse is (holy shit it’s just a lighthouse. Calm the fuck down middle aged couples from Blaine). Some people let their children write their log into the book which can range from adorable to… this.



6/22/08
MAYBELINE SEEN A GOSTE IN THE HOT TUB. WE THOT IT WAS PA, COME BACK FOR HIS $ SO WE BURNT A PUNKIN DOWN BY THE LAKE FER JEEZUS TO COME HELP!
VERNON GUTRANKLE, TN.



Burning pumpkins are like the bat signal but for Jesus.

Minneapolis Cops Accused of Baffling “Drugs for Nothing” Program.

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Holy shit. City Pages just put up a story about how Minneapolis cops are supposedly cruising Occupy protests to find people who are high and take them to a facility to take part in an impairment study. Allegedly, if the cops can’t find anybody who is high, they’ll get them high and sometimes even stop at a McDonald’s drive through and get them a McDouble for their trouble. The article even said they took one person who was kind of high already and got him really high before taking him to the study.


It’s no secret that I’m afraid of cops and spending a night in jail did nothing to alleviate my fears but now I have to worry about cops getting kids high?



Great. I knew we were going to have to do the “drug talk” with my stepson sooner or later but now we’ll have to amend it completely. Here we go –



Jared. You’re going to be 12 in just a couple of months and as you get older you’re going to have to make new decisions. Your parents, stepmom and I aren’t going to be around you 100% of the time so we’re trusting you to use good judgement and common sense.

I don’t need to tell you that “drugs are bad”. You’ve heard plenty about the dangers of drugs in school and you’re a smart kid but you need to realize that hearing about it in a classroom is very different from dealing with the situation in real life. I just want you to know that if a police officer tries to give you drugs you need to say “no” and get away from them as fast as possible.

If a cop ever offers you drugs you need to get away and tell somebody. Find a trusted adult like… shit. Cops used to be the “go to” people when thinking of trusted adults. I guess we don’t really have that option anymore. Go and find a… priest? No. Not a priest (at least not a Catholic one). Uh… how about a fireman? Go and find a fireman or something and tell them what happened.

It may not be easy. You may feel pressured into doing the drugs the cops are trying to give you because they’re in a position of authority and you’ve been told since you were a toddler that the police are here to protect you. They also carry loaded firearms so that kind of ups the intimidation factor.

It doesn’t matter. You have a bright future ahead of you and you don’t need to ruin it just because some police officer needs to meet some quota for a drug study.

DARE to resist drugs from cops.