Monthly Archives: November 2011

Another Craigslist Job Posting!

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Hello, boys and girls! It’s time again for the craigslist job posting game! For those of you who haven’t read the previous posts, people post awful “talent” gigs on craigslist and I respond to them. It’s that simple!

Once again we go to the tv/film/video/radio jobs posting for some truely ridiculous low rent reality show fuckery.


MY STRANGE ADDICTION Now Casting! (MN/WI)

Date: 2011-11-11, 2:39PM CST

My Strange Addiction is searching for men and women with strange addictions, compulsive behaviors, and quirky habits or obsessions, who would like to share their stories on this documentary television series.

This program will explore how your addiction developed and how it has been impacting your life.

Your addiction may be serious, silly, strange, or embarrassing, but if it’s affecting your life, we’d like to help. All participants will be provided with professional medical and/or psychological insights, as best fits your situation.

If you or someone you know has a strange addiction, respond to this ad with your name, age, city/state, and a brief description of your addiction or behavior.

We understand that any addiction can be difficult to discuss, and we appreciate you sharing your story with us. All inquiries will be kept confidential. We hope to hear from you soon!





Here’s my response.


Hi. My name is Bill and I’m a 29 year old male living in Minneapolis.

I saw your ad in Craigslist asking for people with weird addictions and I’m not sure that this fits the classic terminology of “addiction” but my family has told me that I am very much addicted and in need of help. I’m a fartaholic.

I can’t stop farting. I refuse to. I fart all the time. I’m farting right now as I type this. I just think it feels good and it’s funny and I love the smell. I tailor my diet to encourage farting with what I call “the three Bs” (beans, broccoli and beer).

It’s destroying my home life. My family refuses to be in the same room as me most of the time and our heating bill is incredibly high since we need to keep a window open most of the time in the dead of winter. My job is at risk as well. I obviously don’t just fart around my coworkers in my office but I take so many restroom breaks to “let one rip” my manager has forced me to undergo drug testing because he thinks I’m sneaking off to do cocaine. I was too embarrassed to tell him the truth so I lied and said I only have one kidney and have to pee every hour.

It’s getting dangerous for me, too. I’ve started lighting my farts. It’s mesmerizing but my family’s afraid that I could get hurt. My daughter actually looked at me and said between sobs “Please don’t blow up daddy!” I don’t know what to do.

If you could help me or at least get my story out there so people like me could know they wouldn’t be alone I would be very grateful.


Oh man if I actually land this gig I may have to fart a little more than usual when the cameras are on me.

Thank You Veterans

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Today America honors all the soldiers that have fought for this country and survived (no offense, dead vets but you already have memorial day!). These men and women work the toughest job in the world for little pay and almost no recognition and it’s because of them that we can call this country the land of the free. On behalf of all civilians I just want to say to all the Vets out there in every branch of the military, thank you for shooting all those people.


You shot them in the face, in the chest and in the arms. You shot people in Iraq, Afghanistan, Vietnam, Korea, Japan, France and Germany. You shot them from trenches, from trucks, from planes and from boats. Sometimes you blew them up with bombs. You shot the fuck out of them.


This day isn’t just about the vets who shot people. Many vets out there supplied the guns for shooting, made sure the vehicles were running so they could take the soldiers to the people that needed to be shot. Some vets told others who to shoot and some helped heal the vets who got shot while trying to shoot people. Every soldier out there matters. Not just the ones shooting the guns.


We honor veterans this day because it’s not easy shooting a bunch of people. You have to worry about them shooting back at you. Sometimes you have to worry about accidentally getting shot by soldiers on your side. You might get blown up with a bomb. Serving in the military is a clusterfuck of explosions and bullets and murder. Even if you don’t get shot or exploded you may come out of the military messed up in the head because you had to shoot a bunch of people and/or you were getting shot at all the time. Frankly, you’d probably be some sort of sociopathic monster if that didn’t mess you up at least a little.


When you think about it it’s all pretty fucked up. Frankly, I think rather than spending Veteran’s day honoring vets we should spend it profusely apologizing to them.


So sorry, veterans. Sorry the world’s governments are so messed up that they use war as a way to solve problems. Don’t get me wrong, you still deserve our thanks because you’re ultimately protecting us from other governments’ fucked up agendas but the system is still broken and you pay for it with your lives, limbs and sanity. Maybe in the future wars can be fought by robots shooting the shit out of each other instead of people. Of course, if war ever becomes robot based then Japan will take over the world in a week.

Fucking Oops?

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While searching different news sites for articles to rip off and call my own (just like a real blogger!), I couldn’t fucking escape Rick Perry’s Oops (each highlighted word links a different news story!) from last night’s debate.


I didn’t want to post about it at first because I feel like I’m paying too much attention to him. I’ve already posted about him fellating fair food and shooting first and asking questions never but this is a real turning point in the Perry campaign. A blunder which he may not recover from.


This isn’t about how he had a “brain freeze” or simply that he forgot what he was going to say. It’s about what he forgot. Rick Perry didn’t know what government program to eliminate. A conservative not knowing what piece of government to slash is like a fat guy not knowing what he wants for dessert (trust me. I’m a fat guy and I always know what I want for dessert).


Perry knows this, too. That’s why he was talking about cutting government programs when the question in the debate had nothing to do with cutting programs (the question was about how he could work with democrats across the aisle). He just launched into what he’d slash because he knows to give the people what they want. Conservatives would turn government programs into people if it was possible just so they could watch welfare’s legs twitch as it swung from the gallows rope. Perry had the audience sitting at the edge of their seats just salivating as he said “I will tell you: It’s three agencies of government, when I get there, that are gone: Commerce, Education and the — what’s the third one there?”


What’s the third one? Seriously? Say anything! The FDA, Transportation, anything but the military! That’s your fucking answer! Don’t leave your fans just sitting there with anti-government blue balls!


This could be it for Perry. Between this, the Herman Cain scandal and Michele Bachmann calling everybody a socialist (including her republican opponents) like a broken robot, Mitt Romney may just get the nomination.


So thanks, Perry. Now Mitt Romney’s going to be president and we’ll all have to convert to Mormonism.

President Obama Orders Cuts in Gov’t “Swag”

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The Star Tribune reported that the president will sign an executive order today banning promotional material purchased by government agencies with taxpayer money. The order will also limit cell phones and lap tops issued to federal employees and reduce the size of the executive vehicle fleet but it will ban “swag” outright. Here’s a partial list of some of the promotional items agencies will no longer be issued.


FBI: “Federal Boob Inspector” badges.

TSA: Promotional “Huggy the Box Cutter Groping Bear” plush toys to give to children who opt out of the full body scan.

USDA: “USDA Certified 100% Beefcake” muscle t-shirts.

CIA: Gift baskets and “oops!” Hallmark cards given to released Guantanamo detainees.

CDC: “Brave Patient” stickers, suckers, vaccinations.

DEA: “As seen on the hit show ‘Breaking Bad'” stickers.

ATF: Promotional Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms.

A photo of the President looking stern. It'll look good when I link this on facebook.




There goes Obama. Cutting government costs like a typical tax and spend Democrat.

Brokeback Iceberg

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Buddy was a bachelor. He had been all his life. He felt out of place living in a society that told him that a man and a woman are supposed to mate for life and have children. He pushed others away, always with the crowd but in solitude. It wasn’t until a trip to Toronto that he met Pedro that he felt like he could even connect with anybody.



Nearly 10 years younger than Buddy, Pedro was a bit naive but had a lust for life that drew Buddy in and kept him captivated. They hit it off right away, discovering they shared passions for things like swimming and sushi. They started doing everything together. Their bond grew and eventually they spent the night together.



Ever since then they spent every night together. People could tell immediately that they were a couple the way they made braying sounds, defended their territory and made a nest together. They were a pair of gay African penguins and they didn’t care who knew.

"Let them judge us, I don't care! Also, SQUACK!"




While one would think that this union wouldn’t be frowned upon in gay friendly Canada, the Toronto Zoo has recently decided to seperate them so they can breed with females. Unfortunately, African penguins are an endangered species and they have a responsibility to keep their race alive.


This is unconscionable. The Toronto Zoo is interfering with true love and while The Center for Functional and Evolutionary Biology reported that penguins exhibit same sex pair bonding when there’s a shortage of females but will mate when females are present, the commentors on the articles about Pedro and Buddy put out a much more compelling argument.

“They should just leave them together – this is like forced marriage..­. They are happy, don’t disrupt their happiness.” – Eddyfrankjack on The Huffington Post.

“hope they use those sharp beaks of theirs and bite off something from the zookeepers. It would be well deserved, that’s what I would do if someone tried to separate me from my true love.” C.L. on The Daily Mail.

“Just leave the penguins alone. If they really are “gay”, then you will break their hearts, I hear they mate for life, maybe not this species. They are also not going to want anything to do with a female so their goal of creating more African Penguins will result in nothing more then a longing male and an embittered female.” AndrewSix on time.com.

“Penguins mate for life!” Holy shit like everybody on every article a thousand times.



I’m sorry, Toronto Zoo but I’m going to have to side with the people that heard a single fact about penguins while absentmindedly watching the discovery channel one time which is why I will not rest until Canada allows gay penguins to marry.


Please, Canadian readers, call whatever your equivalent to a congressman is and tell them to vote yes on Prop 319 to allow gay penguin marriage. Buddy and Pedro deserve to be happy, endangered species be damned.

Herman Cain is the Victim of Discrimination.

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MSNBC is reporting that a a fourth woman is going to come forward today to accuse Republican presidential candidate Herman Cain of sexual harrassment. Fox News reported a similar story, stating “Gloria Allred, a well known Democratic donor who has been accused of pretty obvious self promotion in the past is representing the fourth accuser in a political smear against Cain.”



While some people would say that the Fox News story was presented in an obvious attempt to discredit he accusations before they were even made by use of editorializing and ad hominem attacks, I have to agree with Fox on this one. It’s pretty obvious that people are ganging up on Cain and discriminating him simply because he’s a pervert.

 

Photo by Gage Skidmore

Pervert American

 

Herman Cain is a pervert and even though it’s 2011 and years past the civil rights movement, it’s still not easy being a pervert in America.  If you think perverts are treated fairly in this country here’s some statistics that might shock you.



*100% of the rapists in prison in America are perverts.
*Perverts are 100% more likely to be arrested for soliciting a prostitute than non-perverts.
*Once outed as a pervert, it takes the average character actor 15 years before anybody will let him work as Pee Wee Herman again.


In spite of the poor treatments of perverts in this country, Herman Cain has fought his way to the top. Even as people yelled hurtful, anti-pervert slurs like “don’t touch me there!” and “no I do not want to see your penis!”, he plugged away and became the CEO of a large company, radio host, author and chair of the Federal Reserve. People don’t want to see his accomplishments, though. They only seem to care about superficial, skin deep issues like his constant desire to have sex with a bunch of women who are not his wife.


Herman Cain won’t let this stop him, though. He cuts through all that crap and sticks to the issues. Just last week, Cain chewed out an insensitive, prejudiced reporter for even asking about his perversion, asking his chief of staff to “Please send him the Journalistic Code of Ethics”. As we all know, the Journalistic Code of Ethics has a lengthy section on not asking political candidates about perversion.


Throughout all the scrutiny, Cain endures. Perhaps come 2012, we could put aside our differences and vote for our first openly perverted (Clinton doesn’t count. He didn’t come out until in office) president.


Herman Cain. Breaking boundaries both historical and personal.

Craigslist Job Posting Friday!

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After responding to the sex blogger ad from craigslist I thought I’d make it a weekly thing to seek out and respond to craigslist creative job postings because


1. It’s really fun.
2. Craigslist has no shortage of awful “creative” job postings.


This week’s job posting is found in the “TV/Film/Video/Radio” section.


Casting: People With Animalistic Behaviors

Nothing is too bizarre. Some stories we have explored are: a man who altered himself to look like a lizard, a man living in a dog house, a woman who eats cat food.

Casting PEOPLE WITH EXTREME ANIMAL BEHAVIORS for a new documentary-style cable television series.

If you have an obsession with animals that someone in your life finds bizarre, we’d like to tell your story.

Do you know someone who Looks like animal? Lives like an animal? Acts like an animal?

We are interested in ANY animal obsession or behavior

Contact us at myprimalbehavior@gmail.com or call us toll free 1-855-animal-5.

www.myprimalbehavior.com


Here’s the email I sent to them.


I saw your ad asking for people who display “animalistic behaviors” and I think I may be doing just that. I think I’m becoming a cat. Let me explain.

I think this has been slowly building up for years but I’ve just put the pieces together recently. I’ve always been a cat lover but haven’t been able to keep any recently because I’ve developed an allergy in adulthood. Even though I don’t own cats, I have a bunch of cat toys. I buy new laser pointers almost every week and have an extensive collection of stuffed mice on strings. I even have a “stash” of catnip that I huff when nobody’s around. I know it doesn’t do anything physically but it calms me.

I’ve kept these things from my family but some behaviors are a little harder to hide. I’ve always enjoyed when my wife scratches behind my ear and anytime I’m laying down and she runs her hand down my back I involuntarily thrust my butt up in the air. This stuff has been easily explained away as weird physical ticks and even I didn’t think this was all “cat like”. Maybe I was just in denial but I couldn’t deny what happened last month.

My wife was out of town for the weekend and I was home all alone. I started to feel isolated, trapped. I felt she abandoned me and my resentment grew so much that I pooped on her pillow. I felt ashamed about what I did but I didn’t clean it up. When she got home she was shocked and all I could say was “Maybe now you’ll think twice before leaving me!”

I felt bad about what I did, though so I killed a bird with a BB gun and gave it to her as a gift.

My wife, having figured out what has been going on all these years (I even showed her my secret catnip stash), has been very supportive of my condition. She runs the can opener when dinner is ready and if I have my feet up on the coffee table she’ll spray me with a water bottle.

Let me know my story would be a good fit for your show!



I’ll keep you updated if there’s any replies. If you see any shitty job postings you’d like me to apply for, please leave a comment or email the link to bill@youngnotions.com !

And God so Loved the World He Wanted Me to Yell at You

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Hey, Youngamaniacs! I’m busy writing a sketch I thought of in the shower this morning for tonight’s Men With Hats show at The Comedy Corner Underground so here’s a classic from the Disney Vaults! Enjoy!


I was walking in downtown Minneapolis with Ben Weil last night and there was a man on the Corner of Hennepin and 7th holding a bible over his head and screaming bible verses at the top of his lungs.  He wasn’t handing out pamphlets.  He wasn’t talking to anyone in particular.  He was just shouting things that were in the book he was waving around (John 3 to be exact.  Way to ruin the ending for us, Spoiley McSpoilerson!)


This is not the first time I’ve seen this.  I’ve seen the whole man-waving-around-a-bible-and-shouting-at-nobody-in-particular in different cities all over and it’s always confused me for 2 reasons.


1.  Why carry the bible around?  You don’t have it open.  You’ve obviously memorized the verses you’re screaming.  It just seems like unnecessary weight.  Are you worried people might think you’re just making it up as you go along?
“AND GOD SO LOVED THE WORLD THAT HE GAVE THEM HIS ONLY BEGOTTEN SON!”
“Bullshit!”
“SIR, I AM TELLING THE TRUTH AND IT IS ALL HERE IN THIS LEATHERBOUND COLLECTION I HOLD ABOVE MY HEAD!”
“Let me see that for a second!”
“BE MY GUEST, SIR!  TO BE HONEST MY ARM WAS STARTING TO GIVE OUT!”
“Okay… Page 372… Man named Nicodemus… Must be born again… Well I’ll be.  So you were telling the truth.  Well, sir.  I apologize for doubting you.”
“THAT’S QUITE ALRIGHT, SIR!  TO BE HONEST, PEOPLE JUST THOUGHT I WAS SOME CRAZY PERSON UNTIL I STARTED CARRYING THAT AROUND.”
(fade to black as the two men talk about the nature of spirituality.  End scene.)


2.  How many people are you converting with this approach?  I thought the Jehova’s Witnesses had a hard time with their methods but the Curch of the Screaming Street Corner Weirdo must have a lot of empty pews come Sunday.
“AND GOD SO LOVED THE WORLD HE GAVE THEM HIS-”
“Excuse me.  Sir?”
“ONLY BEGOTTEN SON SO THAT-”
“Excuse me, Sir?  Hey, you with the flushed complexion and the dribble of spit hanging from your bottom lip?”
“OH, SORRY I DIDN’T NOTICE YOU.  I WAS KIND OF IN ‘THE ZONE’.”
“Quite alright.  Since you were screaming so loud that I can only assume that puddle of coughed up blood by your feet is your own, I couldn’t help but overhear you.  I must say, I would like to know more.  Could I possibly… join your church?”
“YOU CERTAINLY MAY, SIR!”
“Thank you!  When is your next mass?”
“YOU’RE ATTENDING IT RIGHT NOW!  GRAB A BIBLE AND START WAVING!”
(camera pans out as man hands bibles to his eager wife and children.  End scene.)

Amish on Amish Violence

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Myron Miller was lying in his bed next to his wife after a long day of chores and prayer when he heard a knock on the door. He got up and opened it to see three men standing before him. The let themselves in and said “Sam Mullet sent us here, and we’re here on religious business”. They wresled Myron down and took battery powered clippers to his beard, a symbol of his faith. When they left his beard was misshapen and five inches shorter.

Such cruel and sensless beard attacks are becoming more and more common in the Amish communities in Ohio as a new power player in the Amish world is climbing his way to the top. Meet Sam Mullet.

The Don.

Sam Mullet is the head of the “Bergholz Clan” , a splinter group of radical Amish that are responsible for three beard cuttings and two hair cuttings (and a possible nail clipping!).  While Mullet has claimed he did not order the attacks he said he did nothing to stop them.

His influence over the horse and buggy lot has grown so big that former church members and the local sheriff is worried that Mullet is running a cult

Sheriff Abdalla has heard some pretty strange stories coming from the Mullet compound. One came from a man who said Mullet put him in a chicken coop for 15 days in the dead of winter over a religious disagreement. The victim would not press charges.

Abdalla has gone so far to say “”If I were to get a call right now telling me, ‘Sheriff, they’re all dead in the community out there,’ it wouldn’t surprise me,” he said.” which wasn’t at all a leap in logic.

How did this happen? We can’t blame television or music. If anything, Sam Mullet is living proof that people can be giant assholes without the corruption of modern media but do we really need to worry about a suicide cult? I think the non violent thing extends to harming themselves and they can’t drink kool aid unless they harvest it themselves and kool aid bushes don’t grow in northern climates.

Whatever happens, one thing we’ve learned is that a mugshot of three amish men is pretty hilarious.

Strait outta Bergholz! Crazy motherfucker named Jebidiah!

How to Make a Child Cry

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In yesterday’s blog I mentioned the various tortures I endured in my three days of working at Spookyworld. One of which was being punched in the balls by a ten year old kid. I wanted to put my tale of sweet revenge into the post but it ended up being a little too long so I thought I’d save the story for today. Here you go!


After an hour of working in the clown maze (read yesterday’s post to catch up) I was getting pretty tired of customers touching me. It was mostly pretty benign with the exception of a shin kick from a drunk chick. I stood motionless waiting for the next group to walk by so I could do my thing and hope to not get touched when a man and his son (probably about 10 years old) walked in. I waited for them to get right in front of me and I jumped down off my pedestal and yelled at them. The kid jumped back, laughed and punched me square in the nuts. I immediately dropped down to my knees and gasped. The dad grabbed his son by the hand and said “alright, let’s keep going.”


Fucking what? This guy’s kid punched a stranger in the balls and no apology? How much did he think we were making because 6-fucking-dollars an hour is not enough for this kind of treatment. I struggled to my feet and decided this little shit needed to be taught some respect.


I didn’t touch him. I couldn’t. The biggest thing that was drilled in our heads by management is that we cannot lay our hands on the customers and now I knew it was emphasized so much because we’d want to. So I didn’t touch him, I followed him.


The museum was at the very beginning of the maze so that left me with ten minutes of intense eye contact and breathing behind his ear. The only time I left his side during the entire maze was to disappear behind him in a hidden door backstage to reappear in front of him. I was inescapable. Everywhere but always by his side, staring right at him. At first he laughed and punched my big rubber nose. I didn’t break eye contact. His laughter grew quieter and quieter as the maze went on and on and I stayed right beside him, staring at him. His dad chuckled and said “looks like you made a new friend”. Wrong, pops. He just made his worst fucking enemy.


They walked out of the maze and I walked out with them, my face mere inches away from the now terrified face of that little cock puncher. There was no laughter now. Only the tugging of his dad’s pants leg and a whimpering plea of wanting to go home. For a minute the dad stopped to watch an animatronic skeleton sing “Living La Vida Loca” while I just loomed over his child. The dad noticed I was still there, laughed, tapped me on the shoulder and said “shouldn’t you get back to work?”


I stood back up, looked at him silently and stooped back down to stare at the kid.


The kid was crying at this point. Tears streamed down his face as he blubbered “I wanna go home I wanna go home dad!” The dad sighed and started toward the parking lot with the kid. I followed. The dad tried to reassure the kid that this was all fake and I was just a guy in a costume but the kid started yelling “I punched him and now he’s gonna get me! He’s gonna get me!” I stopped at the beginning of the parking lot but still stared at the kid as he clung to his dad screaming “NOOOOO!” over and over again at the top of his lungs.


In the three days that I worked Spookyworld this was the only time that I felt a sense of pride about my job. I accomplished something that night. That guy paid $15 to have his kid scared and now that kid’s going to have an irrational fear of clowns his entire life. He may never step in a haunted house ever again because of what I did. I hope that kid had to go to therapy because of me.


I turned away from the parking lot only when the tail lights of their car were no longer visible. About a dozen people were staring right at me. I didn’t even think about it at the time but if one of the actors is terrorizing a shrieking child all the way to the parking lot, there may be a few spectators. I took off my mask, bowed at the crowd and walked back into the maze. I had another hour of humiliation scheduled for the night but I fucking owned that moment.