Myron Miller was lying in his bed next to his wife after a long day of chores and prayer when he heard a knock on the door. He got up and opened it to see three men standing before him. The let themselves in and said “Sam Mullet sent us here, and we’re here on religious business”. They wresled Myron down and took battery powered clippers to his beard, a symbol of his faith. When they left his beard was misshapen and five inches shorter.

Such cruel and sensless beard attacks are becoming more and more common in the Amish communities in Ohio as a new power player in the Amish world is climbing his way to the top. Meet Sam Mullet.

The Don.

Sam Mullet is the head of the “Bergholz Clan” , a splinter group of radical Amish that are responsible for three beard cuttings and two hair cuttings (and a possible nail clipping!).  While Mullet has claimed he did not order the attacks he said he did nothing to stop them.

His influence over the horse and buggy lot has grown so big that former church members and the local sheriff is worried that Mullet is running a cult

Sheriff Abdalla has heard some pretty strange stories coming from the Mullet compound. One came from a man who said Mullet put him in a chicken coop for 15 days in the dead of winter over a religious disagreement. The victim would not press charges.

Abdalla has gone so far to say “”If I were to get a call right now telling me, ‘Sheriff, they’re all dead in the community out there,’ it wouldn’t surprise me,” he said.” which wasn’t at all a leap in logic.

How did this happen? We can’t blame television or music. If anything, Sam Mullet is living proof that people can be giant assholes without the corruption of modern media but do we really need to worry about a suicide cult? I think the non violent thing extends to harming themselves and they can’t drink kool aid unless they harvest it themselves and kool aid bushes don’t grow in northern climates.

Whatever happens, one thing we’ve learned is that a mugshot of three amish men is pretty hilarious.

Strait outta Bergholz! Crazy motherfucker named Jebidiah!