Horseburgers.

Sometimes it’s actually hard to believe the economy is in the shitter. I’m poor as hell but I still have a phone that gives me high speed internet pretty much anywhere I go. I’m typing this post from one of the multiple computers in my home. All these cheap modern conveniences make it hard to identify with those great depression era pictures of dirty faced tramps standing in bread lines.


This is actually the line for the iPhone 4.




Certain things really put the current state of the economy in perspective though, like this story stating we may start slaughtering horses for food.


From the story, “Horses could soon be butchered in the U.S. for human consumption after Congress quietly lifted a 5-year-old ban on funding horse meat inspections, and activists say slaughterhouses could be up and running in as little as a month.”


Wait, 5-year-old ban? We were slaughtering horses for meat 5 years ago? I don’t remember seeing horse steaks at Cub Foods 5 years ago but I was a bachelor then and only went to the store five times a year.


According to the article, the last slaughterhouse that butchered horses closed in 2007 and most of the meat was sent off to foreign countries for consumption. Most of the meat. Where did the other stuff go? Have I eaten horse before and not known it? Did I like it?


The main reason, according to the pro-slaughter group United Horsemen (the fact that a pro-horse-slaughter group exists is hilarious), has stated that reopening horse slaughterhouses will create jobs. Horse slaughtering jobs.


Also from the article, “Sue Wallis, a Wyoming state lawmaker who’s the group’s vice president, said ranchers used to be able to sell horses that were too old or unfit for work to slaughterhouses but now they have to ship them to butchers in Canada and Mexico, where they fetch less than half the price.” So wait, we only get the shitty old horses to eat?


The group says that an entire section of the agriculture industry was crippled because people won’t eat horses purely out of “sentimental and romantic” reasons. Also, their manes make it look like they have people hair so that’s kind of weird.

Look at this and tell me you want to eat it.




When it comes down to it, you probably won’t see McDonald’s offering a horseburger anytime soon. This country has apparently been slaughtering horses for years and I’ve never seen it available. Who knows? Maybe it’ll become a high end fancy meat. There’s this place in uptown that will let you eat guinea pig for like $30.



All it takes is the right marketing. I say I’d never eat horse meat but if the Minnesota State Fair had deep fried horse on a stick next year, I’d probably try it. It worked for alligator meat.


What do you think? Leave a comment. Would you eat horse? How would you like it? Burger, steak, horse tacos? Did you imagine a horse in a sombrero when you read horse tacos? It’s okay, I totally imagined one while writing it.

Isaac is Such a Pussy

A few years ago I was driving back from Iowa with Mitch and Isaac after an awesome stand up show where the audience loved us forever. On I-35 in Iowa there’s a ten mile (at least) stretch where there’s no gas stations. We unfortunately hit that stretch right as we were running out of gas so Mitch shut off the A/C to conserve fuel. It was 90 degrees and sunny that day so it became uncomfortable real fast. Then this happened.


ISAAC: First one to roll down his window is a pussy.
MITCH: I’m not a pussy.
ME: I’m not a pussy.


5 minutes go by. We’re all sweating profusely.


ISAAC: Are you guys chilly?
ME: My nipples are hard.
MITCH: Bill, could you grab my sweater in the back seat? I don’t think I’m wearing enough layers.


5 more minutes. The temperature in the car is well over 100 degrees.


MITCH: Man, we are stupid.
ME: What’s the matter? (girly voice) Are you a little warm?
MITCH: What? No! I’m not a pussy.
ISAAC: It’s okay if you want to roll your window down. We won’t think less of you just because you’re a pussy.
ME: I will.
MITCH: I said I’m not a pussy! I like this! It’s good for the pores!


5 more minutes. No gas station in sight.


ME: Could you turn the heat on? I think I’m catching a cold.
ISAAC: Nice try. You probably want to roll your window down because you’re a pussy.
ME: You’d like that, wouldn’t you? You’d like that cool breeze on your pussy face.


We eventually find a gas station. Nobody has rolled down his window yet. We pull up next to a pump.


ISAAC: First one to open his door is a pussy.


Some more time passes.


ISAAC: So… do any of you need to use the bathroom?
ME: I’m fine. I’m actually going to lay down and take a nap because I’m so comfortable. When one of you pussies gets out of here and goes in to the gas station, could you get me a bowl of soup and a cup of hot cocoa?
MITCH: This is so stupid. Isaac, your knees are sweating.


I look down. My forearms are sweating. We all start laughing. Then we’re silent for a couple of minutes. Eventually –


ISAAC: Alright. (Opens door) I have to go in to –
ME: OH MY GOD YOU’RE SUCH A PUSSY!!!
MITCH: I knew he was the pussy!
ISAAC: Shut up, guys! I just need to go to the bathroom!


There’s more to this story but I passed out for several minutes and was visited by my spirit animal. It was a wolf. It told me to listen to the trees.

Duluth Testosterone Company

After having dinner with the family on Thanksgiving Jena and I went to some friends’ house for another dinner. I didn’t complain because they’re cool people and I’m such a pig that I can eat two whole Thanksgiving dinners and still have room for pie. After dinner we all chatted and a couple of friends were talking about the awesome firehose pants they bought from Duluth Trading Company. You may have seen billboards or commercials for them. They sell clothing with names like “ballroom jeans” and long tail shirts that fix “plumbers crack”. Their advertising focuses on one point. This is guy stuff.


It's like Santa and the Bounty Paper Towel guy had a manbaby.




Having never bought anything from Duluth Trading Co. before, my friends started extolling the virtues of the items and handed me a catalog full of burly, barrel chested descriptions of unbreakable flannel and bulletproof boots. Even the women’s scented hand cream is packaged to look like it’s used to fix leaky plumbing.


It's also a hot sauce




While the manly descriptions didn’t fill me with the urge to go out and buy a vest made out of asphalt or whatever, it did make me want to write for the catalog. What a sweet writing gig. I’m going to send a few samples to see if I can get in on the action here.


Man Hatchet


THE MAN HATCHET

Whether you’re taking revenge on the bear that killed your father, chopping down trees for a crude shelter or cutting beef jerky into bite size pieces for your infant son, the Man Hatchet is a must have in every tool belt. The man hatchet comes with a rubberized grip to stay secure in your rough, calloused hands and a stainless steel blade that can cut through anything the forest has to offer. Perfect for father’s day.


Kevlar Underpants


KEVLAR UNDERPANTS

Are you sick of your boxers being torn up by your powerful man-farts? Made from the same stuff law enforcement uses to protect their boys in blue, you can cover your boys in confidence knowing your shorts won’t buckle under the pressure. A layer of coal is wedged inside the fabric to soak up the stink so you don’t have to leave the chili cook-off every time you have to cut one. If you can blow a hole in them, we’ll gladly refund your money and send an official from the Guinness Book of World Records to bestow you with the title of “most powerful fart”.


I really hope I can get the job. I hear they pay you in beaver pelts and raw steaks.

Screwing With Spambots.

I got a friend request on facebook today from a girl. She’s hot, lists her interests as “partying” and “working out” and only has 13 friends. Honestly, it’s like the spambots aren’t even trying anymore.


Friend me so I can tag you when I post links to viruses and porn tee hee!




There’s just something so impersonal about a spambot. If you’re going to try to scam me or infect my computer I’d like a little human interaction. Call me old fashioned but I miss the days when you could have a real live person look you in the eyes while he swindled you for everything you were worth.


If I seem a little passionate about the subject it’s because I had a scammer contact me on facebook. Not a bot but an actual person who talked with me as he or she tried to get $6,000 from me. What we had was real. Her name was Laura Jones and we had a back and forth via facebook messaging. Here’s our story.


Laura Jones
hello
pls am laura by name you may not know me befor am single and pls am hee for your help am in need of $6000 for operation i got accident and i have been looking for whome for help me but no one thats why am sending you this message now but i will eb very happy if you can help me out with any amount you think you can pls

Bill Young
Wow. I’m really sorry and I’d be glad to help out but I can only spare about $2000 right now. What is the operation for?

Laura Jones
am having problem with my heart thats why pls any amount you think you can offer me pls GOD will be with you no amount is much and no one is small pls

Bill Young
Well I’d love to help you out but there’s one problem. I’m a satanist and I can’t help out anyone that doesn’t share my faith. Would you accept the dark lord into your heart?

Laura Jones
well is thats the way for you to help me am ready ok …………pls am ready ok and am doing all with my faith of satanist
well is thats the way for you to help me am ready ok …………pls am ready ok and am doing all with my faith of satanist
pls am ready to any thing you want pls help me out pls with any amount you are having pls

Bill Young
Great! I’m so glad you decided to come into the fold. It will take a little more commitment than just saying you’re a Satanist, though. You’re going to have to prove your faith to the Prince of Lies. I know you need this operation soon so I’ll just need you to do two things before I send you the money.

1. Tattoo the mark of the beast (666) somewhere on your body. Doesn’t matter where (I have it on my lower back) but it needs to be at least two inches tall.

2. A lock of hair from somebody has wronged you. This will be used in your first revenge ritual. It’s really fun.

Just take care of those things and I can get you the money. I checked with my bank and I should be able to swing about $3000.

Laura Jones
ok well how do i do all this things now pls tell me pls am in pain pls

Bill Young
Tell you what, we can go through the initiation together and then I can give you the money. Where are you located?

Laura Jones
am in nigerian hospital now where am being given treatment ok


That was the last I heard of her. The account was deleted. Somebody must have reported her.



Goodbye, Laura Jones of Nigeria. I’ll never forget what you said to me. “no amount is much and no one is small pls.”

You Need Help

For far too long I’ve watched from the sidelines and didn’t say anything because I felt it wasn’t my place. It’s been killing me inside to see you like this and it’s time I said something. You’re being abused by your football team.


Face it, it’s true. The Minnesota Vikings are abusing you and you’re just allowing them to walk all over you. I don’t know much about football but even I know if you’re a fan of a team that’s 2-8 this season and lost 19 of their last 27 games something is seriously wrong.


Again, you might think I’m being out of place since I’m not a football fan. You think I might not understand. It’s true that I really don’t care about football but I do like comic books and if Batman got the shit kicked out of him eight out of every ten issues I would start reading another comic book.


As if the losing record wasn’t enough, the Vikings are actually trying to bully you into buying them a new stadium. I saw the commercial last week watching a game. It played on nearly every commercial break.
[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dPcbnkilOds&w=560&h=315]
Sweet words but do you think a new stadium is going to make it all better? The stadium isn’t the problem, the Vikings are the problem.


This isn’t new, either. The Vikings have never won a superbowl for you and you still stand by them. You can argue all you want and tell me that while they’ve never won a superbowl that they’ve played in four but the last one they’ve seen was in 1977. How old were you? Were you even alive?


They keep treating you like this and you keep cheering for them. You’re enabling them. This needs to stop. You can just as easily root for another team. When you think about it, the reasons for most sports fandom is pretty arbitrary and solely based on geographic location so what’s stopping you from supporting another team? Pick one that wins a lot, maybe one that has a logo you think is cool or just throw a dart at a board with a bunch of names taped to it. I don’t care, anything has to be better than the abuse you’re enduring.


Just don’t root for the Packers. Seriously. Fuck those guys.


Viktor the Abuser. I really only put this picture here because posts with pics statistically get more hits so here you go.

Oh Shit Newt Gingrich is in the Lead Now?

A couple of months ago I wrote about how it was sad that republicans were falsely letting Newt Gingrich believe he had a shot at the presidential nomination but now he’s fucking tied for first? What?


I get the fact that the previous front runners have either proven to be perverts, dipshits or Michele Bachmann but if you leave Newt Gingrich in the spotlight too long he’s going to say something awful like child labor laws are stupid.


He actually said that.


From the CNN article “It is tragic what we do in the poorest neighborhoods, entrapping children in child laws which are truly stupid,” Gingrich said. “Saying to people you shouldn’t go to work before you’re 14, 16. You’re totally poor, you’re in a school that’s failing with a teacher that’s failing.”


God knows when you’re young and poor what you need is more manual labor and less education. There’s more!


“I tried for years to have a very simple model. These schools should get rid of unionized janitors, have one master janitor, pay local students to take care of the school. The kids would actually do work; they’d have cash; they’d have pride in the schools. They’d begin the process of rising.”


Now that’s some bold 19th century robber-baron thinking! Why pay adults fair wages and benefits to do a job that kids will do for dirt cheap? When you think about it, there’s all sorts of jobs kids can be doing. You hear all the time about coal miners getting trapped in cave ins but if kids were miners it would probably be way easier to get them out of the mines. They’re smaller so rescue crews would have to do half the work to get them out. Their tiny little hands are probably great for picking fruit and sewing clothes. China uses child labor all the time and their economy is booming! The best part is that kids will become accustomed at a young age to shitty pay and working conditions so we won’t have to worry about them forming those pesky unions as adults.


Vote Gingrich in 2012 because he’s a horrible, soulless monster!


p.s. hey if you want to keep reading things I wrote but want to read on a different website I did a guest blog for The Comedy Corner Underground! Click on it and read the thing and then you can click on the link at the bottom of the blog back to my website! Repeat this process until you have gone insane.

On the Good Ship Censor

Jena here. Today, the Young Notions blog post will be edited by me, about SOPA Censorship bill.

I |||||||||||||||||||||||||| ||||||||||||||||||| ||||||||| |||||||||||||||||||||| |||||| |||||||||||||||||| ||||||||| love |||||||||||||||||||| |||. |||||||||||||||| ||||||||||||||| ||| ||||||||||| ||||||||||| ||||||||||||||||| |||| |||||||||| ||||||||||||||| ||| |||||||||||||||||. ||||||||||||||||||||| ||||||||||| |||||||| |||||||||||||||||| ||| |||||||||||||. My |||||||||||||| |||||||||||||||| |||| |||||||||||||| || ||||||||||||||||||||||| ||||||| |||||||||||||||||. |||||||||||||| |||||||||||| |||||||||||||||||| ||||||||||||||| |||| |||||||||||||||||||||| |||||||||| wife.

She |||||||||||||||| ||||||||||||||| |||||||||||||| |||||||||||||||| |||||||||||||||||| |||||||||||| ||| |||||||||||||||||||| |||| |||||||||||. |||||||||||||||| ||||||| |||||| |||||||||||||||||||| ||||||||||| |||||||||||| makes ||||||||||||||||| ||||| |||||||||||||||| ||||||||||||| ||||| |||||||||||||||||||. ||||||||||||||| |||||||||||||| ||||||||||||||| || |||||||||||||||| ||||||||| ||||||||| |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||| |||||||||||||||||| |||| |||||||||| |||||| |||||||||||| me |||||||||||. |||||||||||||||| |||||||||||| | | | |||||| ||||||||||| a ||||||||||| ||||||||||||||||||| ||||| | |||||||||||||||||||||||| | | |||||||||||||||||||| ||||||||||||. |||||||||||||||||||||||||||| |||||| ||||||||||||||| |||||||||| ||||||||||||||||| |||||| ||||||||||| ||||||||||||||||||| ||||||| | ||||||||||||||||| better |||||||||| ||||||||||||||| | |||||||||| |||||| |||||||||||||| ||||| ||||||||||||||||||||||||. ||||||| |||||||||| |||||||||||||||||| |||||||| |||||||||||||||||||||||||| ||||| ||||||||||||||||||||| |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||| person.

Image

I |||||||||||||| |||||||||||||||||||||||| |||||||| ||||||||||||||||||||||||||| ||| |||||||||||| |||||||||||||||| |||||||||||||| ||| |||||||||||| owe ||||||||||||| ||||||||||||||| ||| |||||||||||||||| ||||||||||| |||||||||||||| |||||||||||| ||| |||||||||||| ||||||||||||| ||| ||||||||||||||||||. ||||||||||||| |||||||||||||| ||||||||||||||| || ||| ||||||||||||||| |||||||||||| her |||||||||||||||||| ||||||||||||| ||||||||||| |||||||||||||| |||| ||||||||||||| ||||||||||||||||||| ||| ||||||||||||||||| |||||| |||||||||||||||||||| ||||||| ||||| ||||||||||||||||| ||||||||||||| ||||| |||||||||||||||| ||||| everything.

I cut out a few words here and there. You know, for flow. But I guarantee you this is what he meant, and my censorship in no way negates his original post.

If Pizza is a Vegetable I’m a Health Nut.

This is what’s wrong with the government. This is what all those stinky OWS hippies are complaining about. Congress is bought. The government will never act in the people’s interest as long as corporate lobbyists can get legislators to do whatever they want by stuffing their pockets with cash. It doesn’t matter who you elect because as long as corporations can lobby, government will act in act in the interest of lobbies.



Don’t believe me? This week members of congress were able to say with a flawless fucking poker face that Pizza is a goddamn vegetable.



Here’s what’s happening. The Obama administration submitted a proposal to make school lunches healthier because all the kids are fatties. The measure included putting more veggies in school lunch rotation and limiting things like frozen pizza and french fries (two things you could get every day when I was in high school).



From the article, “The final version of a spending bill released late Monday would unravel school lunch standards the Agriculture Department proposed earlier this year, which included limiting the use of potatoes on the lunch line and delaying limits on sodium and delaying a requirement to boost whole grains.

The bill also would allow tomato paste on pizzas to be counted as a vegetable, as it is now. USDA had wanted to prevent that.
Food companies that produce frozen pizzas for schools, the salt industry and potato growers requested the changes, and some conservatives in Congress say the federal government shouldn’t be telling children what to eat.”



Okay, first off, tomato paste is not a vegetable. I know this because tomatoes are a goddamn fruit. Adding sugar, salt, cheese, modified food starch and silicon dioxide to a fruit does not make it a vegetable.



This goes beyond word manipulation. This is outright lying. The kind of lying that puts cigarette ads from the 1920s to shame.



Only smoke what your doctor recommends.





Face it. Congress would shove the fat directly in your kids’ arteries if the price was right.



Since we’re throwing nutritional common sense out the window let’s just go nuts. Here’s some suggestions for the new healthy lunch proposal.



* Ice cream is a good source of calcium.
* Nachos are a vegetable (there’s tomatos in the salsa!)
* Oreos contain several B vitamins and folic acid. This qualifies them as a multivitamin.
* Fuck it. Cheese is a vegetable.


If you would like to make sure these changes don’t go through, please write to your congressperson and make sure to include a check for at least $50,000.

Time to Occupy a Goddamn Shower

I agree with the message of the Occupy movement. The method is a different story.

I do think that there is a serious problem with the wealth distribution in this country and while plenty of people will say that protesting doesn’t actually change anything these days, the Occupy movement is getting some serious press. I hated reading stories of police using tear gas and rubber bullets on protesters and when I heard about cities cracking down on camping in the parks and arresting protesters I felt a little conflicted. On one hand, I hated to see these peaceful protests broken up. On the other, I was thankful that this would give the protesters a chance to wash the fuck up.

Seriously. If I go one day without a shower I get a little greasy and if I go two I’m pretty ripe. These protests have been going on since August and most of these hippies haven’t had more than whore baths in Burger King bathroooms. There’s nothing sanitary about a burger king bathroom. That’s where Humpty gets busy.

Frankly, I’m not even sure why they camped there anyway. Would it be less effective to Occupy Wall Street until 10PM and then go home and sleep? Am I missing something important to the message here?

When you think about it, the government is probably doing these people a favor by making them go home. Sleeping in a tent and eating hobo stew every day can’t be good for the mind. I’ve never camped for more than three nights in a row but whenever I got home after a camping trip I’m always a little feral. I can’t imagine shitting in a port-o-potty for 60 days straight will leave a man with much sanity.

Is that really who you want to be representing your message? Some crazy eyed stink machine with chunks of pigeon meat in his shaggy beard? Sure, bank executives are greedy but at least I don’t have to make sure to breathe through my mouth while talking to them.

Now Thinkprogress just reported that NY Mayor Bloomberg was issued a temporary restraining order allowing protesters back into Zuccoti park with their tents. That’s all well and good but how about a compromise? You can chant and wail about the Bildeberg group all you like but how about two nights a week you go home, clean up and sleep on a bed? Wednesdays and Sundays. Your message will get across just as clear and you won’t seem like insane sewer dwellers.

A Girl Punched Me in the Face

This Saturday I’ll be heading down to Granite Falls for comedy show Wayne Burfeind, Dennis Anton and Drew Junior. Drew started doing open mics around the same time I did and had an annual homecoming show in Granite Falls where he’d bring his friends to tell jokes, make a few bucks and get completely wasted off of small town prices for booze (You can die of alcohol poisoning for fifteen bucks in a small town bar. No lie).


That's me on the bottom right. Head full of hair and dreams.




Drew moved to Vegas several years ago but has since moved closer to the cities and his wife, Naomi, had the idea of a reunion show. I gladly accepted but as the time to go back to Granite Falls draws near I’m a bit nervous. The last time I was there with Drew and Naomi a girl punched me in the face. Twice. Here’s what happened.


Right before Drew and Naomi left for Vegas they had a going away party in their hometown. I thought it’d be fun to load up the car with a bunch of comics, get a couple of hotel rooms and send them off proper. We checked into the hotel and head to the American Legion where Drew and Naomi are having a huge party in the dining hall. We put on a brief impromptu show and close the bar down at 1AM. Drew and Naomi head home but the rest of us are not done drinking so we head to JB Yates (now Bootlegger’s, the location of the reunion show) for an hour of partying. The bar closes at 2AM and we all spill out, drunk as hell. A man in a pickup truck yelled “party at my place!” and I responded by yelling “WHOO! PARTY!” and jumped in the back of his truck. I learned that I wasn’t invited when he shouted “Get the fuck outta my truck!” so I promptly apologized and spilled out the back, hitting the ground hard and twisting my ankle.

I limped back to Wayne Burfeind’s car and from across the lot this girl with four guys behind her yells “Fucker! You ruined Drew and Naomi’s special night!” and begins to run at me with her fist raised. A million thoughts rush through my head as she’s coming at me. “Who is this person? I’ve never even met her before. What did I do to ruin Drew and Naomi’s night? What possibly-”

Pow.

My train of thought was interrupted with a right hook to my left eye. I didn’t move. After two seconds I said “…What?”

Pow.

Left hook. I backed away, ran to Wayne’s car and jumped in. We looked at each other and just drove back to the Super8, confused.

The next morning we have breakfast with Drew and Naomi. I told Drew and Naomi about my beatdown from the previous night. Naomi asked “What did she look like?”

“Tiny fists and I think she wore a ring. Other than that, I was drunk.” Wayne filled in the details.

“Oh, that was probably Amber! She’s a psycho! She does crazy shit like that all the time! I have her number, do you want to call her?” I said yes, called her and got her voicemail.

“Um… Hi. My name is Bill. You probably don’t know me, well, we met last night in the parking lot of Yates. Uh, you gave me the ol’ ‘one, two’ and I was just, ah, just wondering… why did you punch me? Give me a call on Naomi’s phone. Talk to you later, ‘bye.” Naomi got a call two minutes later. We heard her say “Uh huh, uh huh. Okay, ‘bye.” and then she hung up.

“First off, Amber said she never wants you to call her voicemail again.” We all erupted in laughter. I say “Deal.”

“Also, she said the reason she punched you was because you were yelling ‘Fuck Drew and Naomi’ at the top of your lungs…”

This was a mystery. I don’t remember yelling any such thing but I was pretty drunk. Wayne was with me the whole night and he heard no such thing and he was considerably less drunk. It didn’t happen. It was weird that somebody would make that accusation but Naomi told me the next day that she talked to Amber some more and she said that “she just wanted to punch somebody and probably made it up”. Awesome.


Now it’s seven years later. Is she still there? Does she remember me? Has she been training all Rocky 4 style running up hills with a big log on her back? I know I should have got those brass knuckles when I had the chance.

Pray for me.