Tag Archives: workout

Who do I Have to Stealthily Assassinate to Get Some Ninja Training Around Here?

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I guess not enough people in Egypt died today or something because one of the front page stories on CNN was about a guy who lost a bunch of weight.



Don’t get me wrong, it’s very inspiring. The story talks about how this guy was over 300 pounds and had a wake up call when he couldn’t ride a rollercoaster with his kids so he committed to losing over 120 pounds. Stories like that are always inspiring but this one was deceiving in it’s title. The headline read “From 300 pounds to 175-pound ‘ninja'”. When I read that headline I immediately thought “oh man this guy underwent ninja training to slim down? Awesome!” Imagine my disappointment when after reading almost the entire article and the only mention of him being a ninja is a little snippet at the end –



At his job, he’s noticed a change as well. He’s always had to be on his feet all day, but because of his weight, he used to avoid tasks involving standing on ladders and leaning or reaching — he was scared he would fall.
“Now, I’m like a little ninja up there,” he said. “I can reach over, and I don’t care about falling no more.”



This is bullshit! I’m glad the guy was able to make such a positive transformation in his life but CNN has no right in calling him a ninja when his only ninja skill is being able to walk up a step ladder without having to worry about going all Humpty-Dumpty.



He didn’t even do ninja training. He just jogged and worked out at a gym. The gym, however, was a huge part in his transformation because it was a gym specially made for overweight people. The trainers and equipment were personalized for him so he could get the maximum benefit. Personalized workouts and themed fitness programs are becoming more and more popular and that made me wonder if there is an actual ninja fitness program out there? There’s gotta be some sort of Ninja gym out there for fat nerds like me who would love doing that, right?



A quick google search has turned up nothing.



There’s plenty of hits when you enter “ninja fitness” or “ninja gym” but it’s either a fitness program that’s supposed to help you “get ripped like a ninja” or smartphone apps where a ninja avatar just tells you to run a mile or do some pushups or whatever –



YOU CAN'T TELL ME WHAT TO DO. YOU'RE NOT A REAL SENSEI.

YOU CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO. YOU’RE NOT A REAL SENSEI.





These people don’t seem to get it. I don’t want to look like a ninja. I want to fucking be a ninja. I’m sure the training that is involved would get me into shape. Why isn’t there a gym out there that offers these workouts –



Dramatic katana fights in bamboo forests
Not only does it look cool but those extra swings to dramatically slice through the bamboo is probably great for the heart rate.



Jumping from rooftop to rooftop
…okay, that’s just Parkour. There’s plenty of places that offer Parkour.



Throwing stars
Probably not that physically intensive but essential and maybe a good cool down exercise.



How to make a proper ninja smoke bomb
Okay this one doesn’t burn any calories but I need to know how to do this. When I was a kid I bought smoke bombs from a fireworks store and was so excited to get all ninja but when I lit it it just belched out a piss-stream of colored smoke that did nothing to conceal my exit.



Where the hell is that gym? I’ve tried to undergo independent study but the wife won’t participate and I can tell Jared’s heart isn’t in it.
Also the neighbors stare at you when you swordfight a 13 year old in your front yard.

Also the neighbors stare at you when you swordfight a 13 year old in your front yard.

Push up!

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For those of you who read this post or have seen me you may know that I’m a fat guy. Steps have been taken to make myself less fat but progress has been slow so I’ve decided to take extreme measures and make the ultimate sacrifice in my quest to live healthier. I’ve decided to start working out.


Working out is hard. I can’t afford a personal trainer or gym membership and Michelle Obama only cares about fat kids (why doesn’t she care about us fat adults?) but that doesn’t mean working out is impossible. If you can’t afford the Ivan Drago half of the Rocky IV training montage you just do the Rocky half.




Alright, it’ll probably be a while before I’m pulling people on sleds made from logs that i sawed myself but there’s still plenty of workouts I can do for free. If I want to do some cardio I’ll just go for a walk or bike ride. For strength training I can do push ups and sit ups.

In fact, there’s a website that shows you how to do the hundred push ups challenge. It’s a six week program designed to get you worked up to the point where you can crack off a hundred push ups in a row. That’s pretty badass. If I could do a hundred push ups in a row I think I’d show that skill off as often as possible. If I was talking to somebody about fitness and they asked what I do when I work out I would show them by doing a hundred push ups in a row. If somebody dropped their pen on the floor I’d be all like “oh here let me get that for you and do a hundred push ups while I’m down here.”


The program starts with an initial test where you do as many push ups as you can to determine where you should start in the program. If you can only do 1 or 2 you may need to do an extra week of work. If you can already do 100 why are you even starting this program? Yesterday morning I got on the floor for the initial test and I did 12 push ups.



That’s not a lot. It was seriously my limit, too. My armpits are sore this morning. 12? To make matters worse last week I emailed my bio to the guy who booked me for the Canada shows and this is what I sent him –



Bio:
Born in the wild, raised by wolves, trained by the government. Bill Young is the kind of comedian that writes jokes and then tells those jokes to you when he is on stage. His work has appeared in the Cannes International Film Festival twice and he recently headlined the Up and Comers Showcase at the Akumal Comedy Festival. Bill Young can do over 20 push ups.


Shit. What if I’m up there and they ask me to prove it? Everybody knows it’s illegal to lie in Canada! I might get deported or get a beat down from a bunch of Mounties carrying whatever their equivalent to billy clubs are (hockey sticks?).



Alright. This program is supposed to get me to 100 pushups in 6 weeks. Hopefully I can get to 20 in four weeks.


Ugh. Losing weight sucks. I’m gonna rent Heavy Weights on Netflix and eat a jar of peanut butter.

Remember Heavy Weights? It’s actually a really funny movie. Judd Apatow wrote it. No lie.

Here’s My Excuses.

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Every now and then there’s some news story about a person with a disability overcoming that disability to do something awesome. Think about it and you can probably recall seeing some human interest story about an autistic artist or armless mountain climber or woman driver. They can be very inspirational or if you’re like me, they just show that not only is there always somebody better than me at something, but he probably has Downs Syndrome.


I’m of course reading into it way too much. These people aren’t out there breaking world records with broken spines just to spite people who have it easy. OR ARE THEY?


Yes, I know people are saying it's a photoshop but let's put that aside for now because it doesn't help the joke at all.





Well that’s unnecessarily aggressive.


This photo showed up on my facebook feed shared by a friend and originally posted by the Primal Muscle facebook page (frankly I prefer my muscle a little more civilized). Fine. You want my excuses? Here they are.


* Maybe I’d find the time to work out if I didn’t have to park in the back of the parking lot everywhere I went.

* You know how they say when you go blind your other senses are heightened? Maybe that’s how it works with the body, too.

* I’d probably be all cut too if I was hopping around everywhere on one leg and picking myself up after falling down all the time.

* It would actually be harder for me to look like that because I’d have a whole other leg to work out.

* The order could be flipped here. Super muscle guy loses his leg and then lets himself go. Not very inspirational but I totally wouldn’t blame him.

* It doesn’t say how he lost that leg. Have you seen exercise equipment? It’s not a stretch to think that he got a gym membership, didn’t read the instructions on the weight machine thingy and it took his leg off. Sure, that story makes him even more determined if he came back to the gym after that horrific accident but he could have avoided it all in the first place had he just stayed home.

*I’m lazy.


Damn, coming up with all these excuses has really worn me out. I’m gonna go take a nap.