Tag Archives: wisconsin

A Story Where Some People Get Terribly Lost.

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Sometimes, as a joke, before googling something on my smartphone I’ll shout the question I want to google like it’s a computer from a ’80s TV show. “Computer! Tell me where to eat!” “Computer! What’s this rash from?” “Computer! How do I get out of an awkward interaction with a homeless person?” etc. etc. This weekend I found out that’s actually the preferred method of googling for some people. Here’s what happened.



I was featuring at the Joke Joint this weekend and hanging out after the Friday Late Show. Late shows are typically smaller, drunker and rowdier than the early shows. As a rule, people who come to the 8:00 show start drinking at 8:00. People who come to the 10:30 show usually started drinking around noon. The largest group in the late show, I found out, actually came to the club by accident.



Well, they wanted to see comedy, they just came to the wrong club.



See, they wanted to go see Bill Dwyer headline at the Skyline in Appleton, Wisconsin but the person in charge of navigating just googled “Bill Comedy”, skimmed past the pages of the two dozen guys named Bill who do comedy and are more famous than me (including Bill Dwyer) and clicked on the Joke Joint’s website. Knowing that they were supposed to go to Appleton, they set off in the complete opposite direction and drove an hour and a half more than they should have.



Here’s how to get to Appleton from Wassau.





Here’s how to totally not get to Appleton from Wassau.





That right there is lost. That is Christopher Columbus lost.



I don’t want to give them too much shit about this. They were a little rowdy but overall a great crowd and they really seemed to enjoy the show.



Also, they might find this blog post if they google “how to successfully go to a place you intend to visit”, find me by googling Bill Dwyer’s address and then accidentally kick my ass while trying to apologize or something.



Oh, Wisconsin.

HEY, WISCONSIN! Epilogue (Sour Grapes)

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Scott Walker survived the recall election. I kept an eye on all the news sites as it the results rolled in after the 8PM poll close and Walker hit the ground running. He was leading with a wide margin when CNN projected him the winner with just 20% of the precincts reporting. Pretty soon all the other news sites followed suit but I kept an eye on the tally as Barrett slowly closed the gap but in the end it wasn’t enough. Chalk up a win for the job creators and a loss for the job havers and job wanters.


Now I could bitch and moan about how Barrett’s campaign was set up to fail and Walker played dirty pool his entire campaign but that would just be sour grapes. I could point out how Walker’s campaign spent literally over 7 times the money that Barrett’s spent with 66% of Walker’s money coming in from out of state *cough*kochbrothers*cough*-






but that would just be sore losing. I could talk about how CBS reported voter suppression efforts that solely favored Walker but that would just be my wounded liberal pride talking.



I could say that even though he won he could possibly face indictment on criminal corruption charges but that would just be me licking my wounds and ignoring the fact that the voters have spoken.


So I’m not going to say any of that stuff. I’m not bitter. I’ll just sit back and be content that I live in Minnesota.


Dumbass cheeseheads.


HEY, WISCONSIN!

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If you live in Wisconsin you should only be reading this right now if –



1. You’re wearing one of those nifty “I voted” stickers.
2. You’re under 18 years of age.
3. You’re a felon.



If you don’t fall into any of those three categories then you need to get off your ass and go vote!



…unless you’re in line to vote and are reading this on a smart phone. If that’s the case I apologize for yelling at you.



Seriously, though. Vote Walker out of office. The guy’s a douchebag. To sum up why for the few people who haven’t watched The Daily Show in over a year, here’s a short play I wrote called “2011 Wisconsin Act 10: A One Act Play”.


GOV. WALKER: Our state is facing a bazillion dollar deficit! I have concocted a plan to fix the budget! It’s called 2011 Wisconsin Act 10.

DEMS: (reads bill) Okay this seems mostly legit and we’ll totally sign this if you take out the part that seems to cripple or completely destroy state worker unions.

GOV. WALKER: State worker unions aren’t necessary! They’re useless and bankrupting the state!

DEMS: Okay well if that’s the case then why are cops and firefighters exempt from the whole “union kneecapping” thing? And what’s this whole part about firing state employees all willy-nilly if you declare a State of Emergency? We’re gonna head to Illinois for a while while you think this over.

GOV. WALKER: I WILL START LAYING OFF STATE EMPLOYEES AND FREEZE YOUR GODDAMN PAY IF YOU DON’T GET BACK HERE.

DAVID KOCH: …are they gone?

GOV. WALKER: It’s okay, lover. It’s just you and me now.

DAVID KOCH: Hold me.

(the two entwine in a tender embrace)

fin



Vote, ya cheeseheads!


Okay I know they’re making the hand look like the state but did they have to include the eastern peninsula? It looks like a weird, pointy 6th finger.




Wisconsin Forced to Clarify Drunk Driving Laws Because It’s Wisconsin.

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I know state rivalry is stupid. Why Minnesotans make fun of Wisconsin…ites? Wisconsonians? Wisconsiners? Whatever. Why we make fun of them is beyond me. I don’t even like sports so it makes even less sense because I don’t even hate their football team. Whatever the reason I will make fun of Wisconsin whenever I have the chance because they’re a bunch of fat, cheese eating drunken hicks even though Minnesotans are pretty much the same thing.


That being said, of course this is a news story in Wisconsin. Stupid hillbillies.


For those of you afraid of clicking blue words, I’ll break it down for you. A man got pulled over last winter on a frozen lake with a Blood-Alcohol content of .365 . For those of you unfamiliar with BAC, here’s a handy dandy chart courtesy of wikipedia.


Click for the full article and some interesting stories under the "Highest recorded Blood Alcohol Content" section




I love how in the “>.50” row the behavior listed is “death”. Shouldn’t “life” be listed in the impairments column?


Personal reference: One time when I was 21 I bought a breathalyzer from Sharper Image and turned it into a drinking game with my roommates. The name of the game was “Let’s See How High We Can Get The Numbers on This Thing”. My last memory of the night was blowing into it and reading “.22” before blacking out.


Back to the story. Prosecutors charged the guy with drunk driving because he was driving incredibly drunk. “A judge dismissed the case, though, ruling Wisconsin’s drunken driving laws apply to premises open to public motor vehicle use and the lake didn’t qualify.”


Thankfully, the case was appealed and the appeals court decided driving drunk is still driving drunk even if it’s not on a street. Frankly, I can’t see how this was dismissed to begin with. Most Wisconsin frozen lakes have nicer houses on them than most residential neighborhoods (take that, you stupid state!).


Just to be safe, here’s a list for that judge who dismissed the case of places that aren’t open to public motor vehicle use that people should not drive while intoxicated to the point they almost die.



Playgrounds

Hospitals

Basketball Courts

The Bottom of Unfrozen Lakes

Liquor Stores

Most Churches (I think you can if you’re a Scientologist. It’s a religious thing)

Movie Theaters.



On a completely unrelated note I’ll be at St. Croix Casino in Danbury, WI tonight and Turtle Lake, WI tomorrow. Go Packers!