Tag Archives: spam

The Sexbook of Fucking!

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Every now and again I check my spam email just to see if there’s anything that will make me laugh. Usually it’s just unintelligible nonsense or stuff where the subject line is “hi ;)” and the message is just a link to a site that’s sole purpose is giving computer AIDS but every now and again there’s some unintentional hilarity. One time there was one for penis enlargement that said “YOU DESERVE TO BE A GIANT” –



CANADIAN CIALIS.

CANADIAN CIALIS.





and just recently I got one that invited me to “The Fuckbook of Sex!”



Awesome. It’s like the sex scam ripoff of social networks is evolving. First there was fuckster, then myscrew, Pinkdin (for the professionals), twatter, fistagram etc. The problem is that Facebook has been around and dominated for so long that the sex scam sites have to keep thinking of new ways to market it. It started with “The Facebook of Sex!” then evolved to “Fuckbook” and now for some reason it’s “The Fuckbook of Sex!” Eventually it’ll probably become “facefuck” and eventually just “fuckfuck”. It’s like that scene in Idiocracy –



Fuddruckers



I decided to google “fuckbook” just to see what would turn up. Now, I didn’t click on any of the results because I’m certain the moment I do these things will steal my credit card information and replace it with dog-on-cat porn but the results themselves are pretty great. Here’s some of my favorites –



if they're the original how come they couldn't snag ".com"? ".net" is for porny-come-latelys. Everybody knows that.

if they’re the original how come they couldn’t snag “.com”? “.net” is for porny-come-latelys. Everybody knows that.





Fuckbooking for adults, fuckbooking for teens, there's a fuckbook out there for everybody!

Fuckbooking for adults, fuckbooking for teens, there’s a fuckbook out there for everybody!





Just what is fuckbook, anyway? I know what facebook is and I know what fucking is but how would the to ever go together? HELP ME!

Just what is fuckbook, anyway? I know what facebook is and I know what fucking is but how would the to ever go together? HELP ME!





Do you like fuckbooking but hate how corporate fuckbook has become? Here's 50 DIFFERENT WEBSITES THAT OFFER THE SAME THING.

Do you like fuckbooking but hate how corporate fuckbook has become? Here’s 50 DIFFERENT WEBSITES THAT OFFER THE SAME THING.





and just to see what would happen, I typed “fuckbook” into facebook’s search bar and this is what I got –



The fuckbook is now in the facebook.

The fuckbook is now in the facebook.


Fuckbook. It’s a local business, an album, an entertainer, author, magazine, and two communities.



It’s fucking everywhere.

Spam!

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Last night I was a guest on the Apropos of Nothing podcast. We talked about my jail times and sophisticated things like animal diarrhea. Towards the end of the podcast Jena read the spam comment of the week. Every week they take one of the spam comments on the website and read it out loud for the listeners. That got me to thinking what kind of spam does this site get? The search engine hits alone are pretty messed up so let’s look at what we have for spam.


Comment from Craigslist Job Postings: The Legend Continues –

Submitted on 2012/02/28 at 7:06 pm
Can I simply just say what a comfort to discover an individual who actually knows what they are talking about on the internet. You actually realize how to bring an issue to light and make it important. More and more people ought to look at this and understand this side of your story. I was surprised you are not more popular given that you surely possess the gift.

I’m actually a little scared at the thought of the spambots knowing that I’m a compliment whore.


From The Drunk Heckler: A One Act Play Written by me When I Was a Kinda Douchey 22 Year Old –

Currently being the Father in the Brie can b pd ank r ial a h daughter prepares for her assive day.

Tell me about it, I remember how pd ank I was on my daughter’s assive day as I stood waist deep in soft cheese. This might not have been spam.


From So I Went to Jail Last Night: Bonus Track –

What do you think of 115 thinkgs about women:

1. Maternity Leave- 6 months paid vacation and all you do is have a baby.
2. We got off the Titanic first
3. We are better dancers
4. Taxis stop for us first
5. We can pretend to be pregnant and get lots of attention on buses
6. We don’t go bald after our 26th birthdays
7. We can cry and get out of stressful situations. Like a speeding ticket. Heck, crying gets you out of anything.
8. We can flirt our way out of a speeding ticket. Heck, you can flirt your way out of anything.
9. We live longer than men
10. We smell better
11. Phone conversations are better than a soap opera
12. Ladies Night.
13. We don’t have to open our own jars.
14. We don’t have to kill our own food.
15. We get put up on a pedistal
16. We rarely have to carry our own suitcases.
17. We know stuff about everyone.
18. Short skirts will always cure unemployment
19. You’re 5 times less likely to kill yourself
20. You never get a draft card.
21. It’s easier to get a credit card.
22. You rule the bathroom
23. It’s ok for you to marry for money.
24. Long nails make great weapons.

They actually have 115 things listed but I’ll just end it there for sake of brevity. Also, when did Dave Barry start writing spam emails?


Feel free to post an original spam comment in the comments section below! Winner gets my credit card number! Nigerian princes are ineligible for the contest. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, holy shit my credit is ruined.


Why is junk email called Spam, anyway? Rather than search it out I'll just go ahead and assume it originated on 4chan like every meme ever.