Tag Archives: snow

I’m Afraid to go Outside Right Now.

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Yesterday I heard repeatedly on the radio about how we’re going to get 3-7 inches of snow. How the morning commute was going to be shit. Meteorologists kept going on about this freak May snowstorm that was going to blanket the Twin Cities with a thick, heavy slush overnight.



This morning I turn my computer on and find out that it was worse than predicted. As much as 13 inches have been dumped as far south as Rochester and as far north as Brainerd.



I look outside and not a drop or flake is on the ground.



…what?



There… was a snowstorm, right? I get that meteorologists can fuck up their predictions sometimes but the news said there was snow!



Here’s a map with the three cities listed in the beginning of the article I linked. Minneapolis is right in the middle of that –



How...

How…





Apparently there’s snow all around me but there’s no snow in Minneapolis. Don’t get me wrong, I’m glad there’s no snow but now I’m just scared that it’s waiting for me out there. Like, the second I get outside the snow’s all going to fall down in one clump like a cartoon and then the tow truck drivers come and tow my car for snow emergency because they’re a bunch of evil Satan-worshipping wizards!



…I’m putting on a jacket just to be safe.

Snow in April.

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This is really, really shitty. There’s a winter storm that doesn’t know it’s fucking spring dumping snow all over the country. Here in MN we got an inch or so last night and are supposed to get 3-5 more tonight. After a long winter that had a lot of punishing snowstorms, this last storm is just rubbing salt on the wound. We’re getting so worn down by the long winter that Canada will take the opportunity to Annex us any day now –



snow!



It’s bad enough I have to drive around in this and shovel it off my sidewalk. The worst part of all of this is that it’s all my fault.



It’s my fault that we’re getting this blizzard. I’m so sorry. See, about a month ago I did a post about getting towed during snow emergency that included bragging about not getting towed once this year and a lot of people read it because I used a lot of colorful language to describe history’s greatest villain, the tow truck driver.



Now, I’m not saying a tow truck driver read the article because, as we all know, they’re all illiterate. I could imagine a tow truck driver being told about the post by their meth dealer or hooker or something. Once one found out they spread the word and pretty soon every tow truck driver knew I was out there just bragging that I had escaped their wrath.



This wouldn’t stand with them. Nobody escapes the wrath of the tow truck driver.



Gathering in the parking lot of a shitty strip club. The tow truck drivers used their gypsy-like magic powers to summon a powerful weather system to blanket the earth with snow until I finally would slip up and get towed for snow emergency.



I’m not going to let that happen. I’m sorry so many people had to get pulled into this but I refuse to let my car get towed for snow emergency. Let them bring the snow until June.


Let’s Talk About the Weather.

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Because my only other option right now is to talk about how scumbag Herman Cain is defending scumbag Newt Gingrich in some weird republican philanderer circle jerk. Let’s just talk about snow instead, shall we?


It’s been a surprisingly mild winter so far here in the Twin Cities. Last year the sky crapped a foot of snow on us every week but this year we’ve only had like four mild dustings of snow. The only real snowfall we got was on New Year’s Eve and nobody was on the road then except for a few cab drivers and me coming home from a show in Stillwater gripping the steering wheel with all my might praying to Xenu that I wouldn’t end up in the ditch. This morning, however, the TC metro has seen over a half inch of snowfall and the Star Tribune reports there has been dozens and dozens of crashes, spinouts and stalls.


Dozens and fucking dozens of crashes. Seriously.


Every year. Every single year people in Minnesota forget how to drive in the snow and the first actual snowfall leads to cars in the ditch. No injuries have been reported which is good because I have little sympathy for first snowfall crashes. The best is when you’re driving down the road during a snowstorm at a reasonable speed (40 on the highway) and see some asshole zip past you in the left lane at like 60. You think to yourself “God I hope that jackass ends up in the ditch” and then you see him in a ditch a couple miles later. Of course your first thought is “Oh man I hope he’s alright” but your second is always “Serves him right”.


Of course, driving too slow is just as dangerous. There are plenty of people too scared to go past 10 miles per hour ON THE FUCKING HIGHWAY when there’s snow on the ground not even thinking that there’s other people on the highway driving much faster that have a bit of a hard time braking because of the snow.


I seriously don’t get it. The general population can’t seriously be so stupid to forget every year that snow=slippery fucking roads. If you’re an adult with a drivers license and an IQ above 80 this shit should kick in when you see the snow or at the very least the first time you hit the brakes. Even if you’ve never driven in the snow you could put 2 and 2 together walking to your car and noticing that the sidewalk is slippery. Here’s the few possible explanations I can think of.


Immigration
Republicans use this as a scapegoat all the time. Why can’t I? Not just illegal immigrants but anybody coming to Minnesota from warmer climates. People in Florida probably think snow is just a thing we yankees made up to scare them away and keep the Mall of America to ourselves. Still, millions of people flock north every year and wreck their cars the first time it snows.

Rohypnol in the water supply
Now this just may be the schizophrenic, homeless, crack addict conspiracy theorist side of me but the government could be spiking the water with roofies so we’ll forget that our professional sports teams are pure shit. Obviously it’s working because we’re building the Vikings a goddamn new stadium but a mild side effect is that the entire state forgets how to drive in the snow every year.

People are just stupid
Probably the most plausable explanation.


So drive safe, people. Maybe you could even drive safe tonight to HUGE Theater tonight to go see me make funnies at Stop Talking: A Game of Talking. Plugs!