Tag Archives: search engine terms

Hot Mummy Armpits: The Continuing Tale of You Weirdos Typing Crazy Shit Into Search Engines.

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This is pretty much a monthly thing now.



Once again I dive head first into the site stats to see what google searches led people to this blog because the only thing in the news right now is the Sandusky trial and something about Russia protests. I really don’t have anything to say about Sandusky except “I hope he goes to jail forever” and I don’t know anything about Russian politics. Also, I don’t want to get on Vladimir Putin’s bad side. Does not seem like the kind of guy you want to fuck with.



There are like two dozen pics of him on his wikipedia page and all but one contain this same cold, analytic stare. The one with him smiling seems even more terrifying somehow.




But enough about the scary Russian man. Let’s see what you freaks have been typing into google!


hot mummy armpits
Jesus. The worst part is that this could be one of two things and both are gross. There’s either somebody out there with one of the most specific fetishes I’ve ever heard of (I’m into monsters but only mummies and particularly their armpits) or it’s a british dude looking for old lady armpits.


any websites that you can ask women to take their bra off
Yes. Half of the internet is those sites. It’s called porn. Do… do you not know that porn exists?


does anybody like bitches?
I like to think that this was entered by a girl who was nice but thinking of becoming a bitch but wanted to know if that was the right move.

To answer the question, no. Bitches be crazy.


chinese horizontal vagina anatomy
Okay. I kind of remember referencing something in a blog a while back about that weird old stereotype about Chinese girls having sideways vaginas but I couldn’t actually recall when I wrote about it so I actually googled “youngnotions chinese sideways vagina” (life imitates art!) and I found this piece of finely crafted political satire.

What’s weird about this one is that this search shows the user isn’t completely stupid, given their use of words like “horizontal” and “anatomy” but it shows they’re pretty stupid because they’re asking the internet if Chinese girls have sideways vaginas.


the log ride turds
…I don’t even know what this person wants.


why does my dick shine in the light
Probably because you spend so much time waxing it! Boom! High five!

Seriously though you should have a doctor check that out if it’s really shiny.


Thanks for reading, confused perverts! Hopefully you were able to have some laughs even though you didn’t get the naked sasquatch pictures you were looking for or whatever.

The Continuing Saga of You Freaks Typing Weird Shit Into Search Engines.

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Hello, Jena’s facebook friends and people searching for that girl in the “one weird trick” ad! It’s time once again for us to look into the site stats for this blog and see what people are typing into google to get here! I’ve done this time and time again and I never cease to be amazed and a little disgusted. Here we go!


the fuck u dairy dairy
I don’t know if this person is looking for some weird “rule 34” porn or if there’s an actual dairy called the Fuck You Dairy. Their motto: Fuck you! Eat some cheese.


what if i go for days without showering
Do you really need to ask google about this one? Speaking of questions with obvious answers –



will sriracha sauce make my butt hurt
Depends on where it goes in, really.



ways to make a child cry
So I guess there’s at least one person out there who wants to make a child cry but doesn’t know how? At least that person has the internet.



does god want us to yell on a street corner?
Of course he does. That’s why so many people do it.



what does $40 of herion look like picture
I just love the idea of the guy googling this to see if he got ripped off on his score just to come to this blog and find nothing but political rants and fart jokes.


Thanks for searching, weirdos! I hope you find whatever sick thing you’re looking for!

That Girl in the “One Weird Trick to Stay Asleep All Night” Ad

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My friend Brody has said that I’m obsessed with search engine terms. It’s true. I’ve certainly written enough about the subject but one search term keeps popping up frequently on the site (actually, three do but let’s not talk about “foreskin man” or “kids fuck” today).


The girl in the “One Weird Trick to Stay Asleep All Night” ad.


There’s been over 30 searches from that (or a close variant) in the last three months. For those of you who don’t read the archives back-to-front on a weekly basis, the term leads to a post I did about stupid banner ads and this is one of the ads I so hilariously lampooned.

Haven't had a single zit since I started sleeping with an egg in my mouth.




Every week at least two search engine terms looking for the identity of this girl.


Who are you?




Frankly, I don’t see the appeal. She’s not unattractive but to have so many people try to figure out more about her? Am I missing something here? It’s probably because she looks like she smokes weed. She even looks high in the picture (maybe the one weird trick to stay asleep all night is to get high). Whatever her mystique, there’s a lot of search engine terms about her leading here which means one of three things.

1.) Multiple people are looking for her and there’s little/no info about her on the internet (most likely).

2.) One person searches for her every day, hoping to find more about his mysterious dreadlock and shitty dye-job love but keeps clicking on this blog for some reason.

3.) Somebody was looking for more info on her, stumbled on this blog and thought it was funny but not funny enough to bookmark or remember the URL. Now every time he want’s to read my blog he searches for that term again. I’m the “one weird trick” guy.


Whatever the reason, the hits just keep on a coming and will probably only increase in volume since I’m dedicating an entire post to the mystery girl so as a favor to all you lovelorn folks out there wanting to know more I’ve decided to create a backstory for her.


Her name is Heather. She likes all kinds of music except country (old country is okay, though) and followed Phish around for a while. She’s all about Kevin Smith movies and totally loves to play Halo. She dropped out of college but was a philosophy major so she’s totally into having long conversations about Kant or whatever. She belongs to a kickball league. She was in a band for a while but now she just likes to jam on the acoustic guitar. Her hair is red in the picture but she dyes it different colors all the time.



Basically she’s every barista ever.



UPDATE! Ian Rans pointed out that Heather is a stock photo known as “Colorul woman”! You can purchase her stock photo here (she looks so much more high in the bigger, higher resolution pic) and here. Mystery solved!

You Weirdos Will Never Stop Typing Crazy Shit Into Search Engines.

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Welcome back to the third installment of the seemingly ongoing series “The Things You Weridos Type Into Search Engines” where I take a look at the google searches that bring people to this blog. It’s one of my favorites to write and everytime I think something like “shitting while standing bad for health”can’t be topped, the next day I get “an evil sea creature for kids shark”. Let’s see what we got just in the last 30 days.


young and naive, gay and canadian
Searching for sex or the latest Bryan Adams album? Boom! Take that, Bryan Adams!


are most female gym teachers lesbians
I’m glad this person wasn’t so prejudiced that they’d ask google if ALL female gym teachers are lesbians, just most.


men playing with their uncircumcised penis
The whole uncircumcised penis thing has been a recurring theme since I did a blog about Foreskin Man but this exact wording got three hits in a week! I actually googled it, thinking the blog would show up on the first page but I couldn’t find it in the first 20 pages. Why are so many people searching so hard for this?


I can’t stop farting and it’s affecting my job and I can’t stop farting documentary
These were two different searches on two different days. I like to think that it’s the same guy. First he got fired from his job because he farted too much and then he wanted to make a movie about it.


if you are shot in the military are you still a veteran
…what? Did some veteran think his service was invalid because he was shot in the line of duty? If you’re still reading, person who typed this, yes. You’re still a veteran. I think you even get a medal of some sort. You should probably talk to a commanding officer about that.


shower, -meteor, -meteorite, -baby, -wedding, -curtain
Rock and roll! Cola wars! I can’t take it anymore!


perverted penguin drinking beer
… I don’t… what?


I could honestly do one of these every week and not run out of material.

p.s. hey other wordpress bloggers who follow me! Leave a comment with the weirdest search engine terms you’ve found in the stats! Challenge (takes off glove, slaps you in the motherfucking face with glove)!