Tag Archives: potty training

Dolls That Offend Sensitivities

Posted on by
4

Some of you know that I have a weird, super weird fear. Walking, talking teddy bears. Teddy Ruxpin, the Charmin bear, Snuggles, the Care Bears…

When I say that to people, they give me this shocked look, like I just told them that the cuddly-est thing on earth freaks me out. Cause, well, I just did. Though most people will give me a pass for Teddy Ruxpin.

Creepy Fucker.

I seriously had to take a deep breath and prepare myself for the results of this Google image search. I mean, I had THOUSANDS of these creepy things looking at me. You people have no appreciation for what I do for you. You’re welcome.

A lot of people say “but what about the Care Bears? They do good things.” NO. No they don’t. I want you to think about this for a moment. There are these walking, talking teddy bears that look down on you from the clouds… watching you… and when they don’t like what you’re doing, they come down and SHOOT YOU WITH BEAMS THAT COME OUT OF THEIR STOMACHS and change you, making you do what THEY want you to do.

It’s like the religious right in cuddle form. And that doesn’t scare you?

Anyway, what brings all of this up for me is the newest craze in Korea. Kong Suni, the Farting doll.

[youtube=http://youtu.be/P8zT2vh6rB4]

That’s right. This doll will eat smileys, poop them out again, and fart when you rub her tummy. You can get the one that has the flush-able toilet to facilitate potty training. When I first read “Korean Farting Doll,” I thought it might be one of those weird sex dolls to fulfill awkward fetishes. I mean, Japan sells used panties in vending machines. Why not farting sex dolls?

The whole farting doll thing is, I think, an overall good idea. Dolls to facilitate learning. Teach potty training. Teach how to change a diaper (Fact: the first diaper I remember changing was Jared’s. I never had one of those fancy dolls to teach me how). Maybe they could make dolls to teach world peace, or tolerance of other cultures.

Or, they could make The Retarded Doll.

It’s ICE CREAM. Jeez.

No really. This is a thing. And I know the gut reaction is offense, but I want you to read the article and interview. This is a doll with cerebral palsy, created by a group that assists… oh god, what’s the term now? Not handicapped… disabled? Differently abled? Challenged? Special?

Look, I’m just as sensitive as the next person, but I really don’t know what the PC term is. Even though the doll is called the Retard doll, I have problems using it. I feel like that’s THEIR word. Because they’re different from me and need to be treated as such.

Point is, this doll does not offend me. It was made to challenge people’s conceptions of people with specific challenges that the rest of us, and educate us on how those conceptions limit and dehumanize them.

Do you know what does offend me? Creepy ass bears shooting me with their change beams, telling me I’m not good enough and have to become someone else. Now THAT’S fucking offensive.

A Moving Christmas

Posted on by
Reply

Christmas has passed, and while you’re thinking about or playing with all the shit you got, and while you’re sitting in your bathroom passing yesterday’s Christmas feast, I’d like you to take a moment to think on how shitty the holiday season can be.

Very specifically, I take you to Catalonia, where they have a Christmas tradition of feeding a log full of candy and nuts over the course of several days, and then beating it with a stick until all the candy is “pooed” out the logs “butt”. Known as Tió de Nadal (Christmas Log), or the less formal Caga tió (shit log), this log has a cartoon face, two legs, and is wrapped in a blanket that both acts to keep it warm, and provide a little privacy as it’s getting the shit beat out of him.

What is it with Spanish people beating things with sticks for candy?

On Christmas day, all the children gather ’round the log with sticks, and hit him while singing this song: “Shit log, shit turron, hazelnuts and cottage cheese, if you don’t shit well, I’ll hit you with a stick, shit log!” Then they remove the blanket to show the log’s shit, along with other presents left there by the Three Wise Men. Apparently after the Baby Jesus gig, the Three Wise Men took to delivering presents in Catalonia. It *is* nicer there than that run-down hovel of a town Bethlehem.

Speaking of, the Catalonians have another shitty tradition- the Caganer. See, in Catalonia, just doing the small little nativity scene isn’t enough for them. They have to do the whole town of Bethlehem, with all the villagers doing their villager thing- spinning wool, cooking a meal, sleeping. And off in the corner, one little little guy, shitting. Modern day Nativity scenes can even include celebrity Caganers.

Christmas tradition or political statement? You decide.

The Caganer is a big deal to the Catalonians. He’s such a big deal, that when the City of Barcelona dropped him from their Nativity scene in 2005, the people started a campaign called Salvem el caganer (Save the Caganer) that restored him to his throne in 2006.

Apparently, it was quite the movement. Ahem.

Lest we think that the Catalonians are the only ones with shitty Christmas traditions, I present to you an American favorite: Mr. Hankey, the Christmas poo.

Howdy Ho!

Mr. Hankey’s tradition goes back farther than the Season1, episode 10 of South Park that most people remember him from. Apparently, Trey Parker had problems flushing the toilet during potty training, so his father told him that if he didn’t flush, the poo (named Mr. Hankey) would come to life and kill him. Years later, before Parker and Stone started South Park, the two creators decided they wanted to do a short on Mr. Hankey. They didn’t do that, but elements of the outlined show were used in the infamous Season 1, Episode 10 Christmas special.

And again before South Park, Parker and Stone tried to sell Mr. Hankey as the main protagonist in “The Mr. Hankey Show”, which included 4 children, but FOX Executive poo pooed the idea. So instead, Parker and Stone created a show called South Park that used just the 4 children. They knew they were going to want to introduce Mr. Hankey in the series at some point, however. So when they pitched the idea of the show to Comedy Central, Parker is said to have said “One thing we have to know before we really go any further: how do you feel about talking poo?”

Really, that’s my comedic dream. To some day pitch talking poo to an executive producer. Maybe I will ask the three wise men for it next year. In the meantime, I’m going to beat this log til it shits candy. Here’s hoping you all had a very shitty Christmas!