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More Like Chick-fil-Gay AMIRITE?

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So The Muppets snubbed Chick-fil-A this week, cancelling a toy sponsorship deal with the fast food chain due to CEO Dan Cathy coming out and saying he’s against gay marriage.



Well, he didn’t say he’s against gay marriage. They rarely do. He said “”We are very much supportive of the family — the biblical definition of the family unit. We are a family-owned business, a family-led business, and we are married to our first wives. We give God thanks for that…we know that it might not be popular with everyone, but thank the Lord, we live in a country where we can share our values and operate on biblical principles.”



So the Muppet company severed ties and said they’d donate their payment from Chick-fil-A to GLAAD. Good for them.



Now some people are saying that the Muppets shouldn’t get into political issues but it’s been public knowledge for a while that The Muppets have liberal leanings –



about 50,000 people shared this on George Takei’s facebook page today.





Also, if the Muppets should stay out of social issues, so should a greasy chicken shack.



What really gets me, though is that this is another example of people trying to oppress the gays by saying they “support traditional marriage.” Great. Support traditional marriage all you want. I support traditional marriage. I’m even a part of one! Here’s the difference between how I support traditional marriage and how Dan Cathy supports traditional marriage. I also support gay marriage.



Seriously. You can support both. You don’t have to choose one or the other. When Jena and I applied for a marriage license the guy behind the counter didn’t ask what we thought about gay marriage.



In fact, you don’t even need to support gay marriage. You can think whatever you want about gay marriage just don’t donate a bunch of money trying to make it harder for non-traditional families because in the end that’s all you’re doing. You’re making things harder for people you don’t like. You’re messing with them, bullying them.



So when Dan Cathy says “I support traditional marriage”, what he’s really saying is “I don’t like gay people so I spend a bunch of money making sure they’ll never be truly happy. I think I’m better than them so I make sure that they don’t get the same privileges as me. Gay people have never done anything to me. I’ve never been attacked by a bunch of homosexuals or robbed by a gay street gang. This war I’m helping wage against them is completely unprovoked.”



So thank you, Muppets. Hopefully society will recognize the union of same-sex couples and someday even gay Muppets can get married –



“Back to the lab, beaker! We can test out my new motorized butt-plug!”





Of course I wasn’t referring to Bert and Ernie. They’re just roommates.

Paterno’s Legacy Violated.

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Horrible news today as the NCAA and Big Ten handed down fines and sanctions to Penn State. In addition to monetary penalties, 14 seasons of wins have been taken from Joe Paterno’s record, making him no longer the holder of the record for most wins for a college football coach. All this after his statue was removed from Penn State grounds. I have to say, the NCAA, Penn State and the media as a whole are just raping this coach’s legacy.



It’s a good thing that Paterno isn’t around to witness the severe violation to his name because after such a brutal molestation of one’s accomplishments, the scars are with you forever and it’s something you never really recover from. It’s truly traumatic.



I haven’t really spoken about this story on the blog because I’m not a football player and theirs is really the most reasoned and valuable input on this matter because football is what this is all about. Joe Paterno didn’t hurt those kids and neither did the Penn State football program. Why should they suffer? These acts were carried out solely by Jerry Sandusky and he’s in jail. Should Joe Paterno and Penn State football have to be punished just because Paterno, along with several high ranking school officials, knew what was going on, did nothing to report it or even try to stop it and lie about it because they thought it would hurt the football program?



Joe Paterno and Penn State football didn’t rape a bunch of kids over the course of nearly two decades. Because of Penn State football, Joe Paterno allowed a bunch of kids to get raped over the course of nearly two decades. There’s a huge difference.



Thankfully, Paterno supporters aren’t taking this lying down. Just doing a twitter search for “Paterno” reveals that there are plenty of people out there who will not stay silent or turn a blind eye while they witness this injustice against Paterno.






I could go on and on because there are seriously a lot of people out there who think that Joe Paterno doesn’t deserve this. Seriously. A lot. The most apt tweet I saw, however, was this one –







Nail on the head right there. Joe Paterno could never defend himself and that’s what really makes this crime all the more abhorrent. To do these vicious acts to somebody who has no way of defending himself, who is completely vulnerable is just sick. I really want to compare this to another crime to create a metaphor but I’m just drawing a blank right now.






Not pictured: Jerry Sandusky raping a bunch of kids.




Rush Limbaugh, Fart Two: Fact Checker Job Application

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So after yesterday’s whole Rush Limbaugh Batman thing I decided to check out his website this morning to see if he made a response to people pointing out his conspiracy theory built around an obvious factual error. Turns out he did.



In an incredibly lengthy post entitled World on Fire Over Batman and El Rushbo. He states in the first couple (of like a thousand) paragraphs that ” I made some comments about it. Doesn’t matter what. I have had more reaction to that than anything, including the Fluke thing.” He then goes on to state that he never said that Bane was created to dis Romney, that he made no conspiracy theory, this is the Democrat’s fault and about 5000 other words I didn’t bother to read.



After reading this I felt the same way that he did. Not that he never said that stuff and it’s all the left’s fault, but that people are blowing it way out of proportion. I decided to turn yesterday’s facetious offer to become his fact checker into a real one. Below is the email I sent him.


Bill Young Bill@youngnotions.com
10:20 AM (0 minutes ago)

to ElRushbo
Hi. I saw the whole media assault on you after your on air bit about the new Batman movie and read your response on your website and I have to say, I agree with you. Everybody blew this whole thing way out of proportion but when you’re in the public eye and say controversial things you’re going to be under more scrutiny than then general public. People are going to go over everything you say with a fine toothed comb looking for a reason to attack you.

That being said, I think you did misspeak. Although you say otherwise in your online response, I believe you honestly thought the Bane character was created for that movie as a jab at Romney. It’s a small error but it still is an error. I would like to help with that.

I want to offer my services to you as a fact checker. What I would like you to do is just email me a brief summary of the things you’re going to talk about on your show each day. I’ll make sure that there are no glaring factual errors on there that liberals can use to dogpile on you and send the summary back to you with any needed notes. I won’t attempt to edit or influence any content based on my personal beliefs, only check for statements that are easily proved false.

Now I should mention I do not believe that this will happen often but you are only human. Everybody makes a slip up like the “Bane” comment every now and again, you just get more criticism for it than most.

I should also mention that I am a liberal. I’m not a fan of your show and I don’t agree with many of the things you say but I want to do this for you and do it well because like you said, people are focusing on this little flub and it’s taking attention away from issues that matter. I would rather the left spend time arguing your actual views than a little slip up.

I expect to be compensated for this work (we are all capitalists here), should you choose to accept. I’ll allow you to make an offer for what you deem to be fair pay for this sort of thing and we’ll go from there. Please let me know if you’d like anything from me like a full resume or references. I look forward to hearing from you.

Sincerely,

Bill Young




In retrospect should have put something in about how hiring a liberal could be seen as “reaching across the aisle” and make him seem less biased or how if I screw up in my job he can just blame liberals for these slip ups (not that he doesn’t already). Whatever. I doubt he’ll even read this, much less take me up on my offer but a boy can dream.



Just a pic of Rush because posts with pics get more hits. Oh also this is his mugshot. From when he was arrested.

Let’s Talk About Farts and Rush Limbaugh Because They’re Pretty Much the Same Thing

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Okay, I promised you people a fart joke so let’s get that out of the way right now. True story, one time I farted into my smartphone when the voice texting was turned on to see what it would type and it actually typed “poop poop poop poop”. No lie. Thus concludes the hi-brow portion of today’s post.

Now, conservative radio host and former youngnotions advertising partner Rush Limbaugh recently puked this conspiracy theory into a microphone. He basically suggested that the villain Bane in the new Dark Knight Rises movie is a deliberate slam at Romney –


I will BREAK your company’s overhead expenses by shipping jobs to third world countries!





So what he’s saying is that the Obama campaign either asked, paid or forced Christopher Nolan to make the bad guy in the movie’s name sound like a company that the guy he’s running against used to work for. Fart.



I’m seriously offended by this accusation. Not as an Obama supporter, not as a rational, sane individual. I’m offended as a nerd.



Seriously. Bane’s been around for nearly 20 years! I had the comic where he broke Batman’s back when I was a kid!



Between Batman, Superman and Wolverine, the early ’90s was not kind to superheroes.





It’s not just the comic books, either. Bane has appeared in pretty much every non-comic incarnation of Batman since he first came around. You can’t avoid the guy –



cartoon Bane!





Cartoon S&M Bane!





Uh… we don’t talk about Schumacher Batman.





He’s everywhere!





Even if Rush didn’t know about a 19 year villain (and sometimes good guy) of one of the world’s most popular comics, three animated shows and a shitty movie, doesn’t he have people fact check for him? I feel like he’d have a person that he’d give his daily sheet of talking points or whatever to somebody and say “Oh hey can you just make sure none of these things sound incredibly stupid?” If he does already, he should fire that person. If not, I’ll happily take that job.



Seriously. I will fact check for Rush Limbaugh. This isn’t even a ploy to make him look stupid. I will totally fact check for Rush Limbaugh and do the best job I can because if he’s at least not sounding stupid we can spend more time focusing on what a lying asshole he is.



I’m going to see if there’s a jobs section on his website or something.

Like Yesterday’s Thing but With More Internet

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Hey guys! I’m sick as hell, don’t really have any funny stories in my pocket to post and the biggest news thing right now is the whole Penn State pedo thing so instead of generating new content I’m just going to do yesterday’s story again as told by memes and hope it goes viral and I get internet famous. Whatever. I’m going to nap and eat cough drops. Enjoy!































How to Fake a War on Christianity Featuring Pastor Michael Salman

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DID YOU KNOW THAT THE GOVERNMENT IS CRACKING DOWN ON CHRISTIAN PRAYER?!?



Oh… you didn’t know that? That’s probably because it’s not a real thing. Christianity is safe in the U.S.A. Ain’t nobody gonna kick Jesus out anytime soon.



In fact, Christianity is so safe in this country that it thinks “persecution” means “not getting to do every fucking thing you want all the time ever forever”. Christianity is the rich kid at America High and their version of persecution is getting a different car than the one they wanted for their 16th birthday. Waaaaahhh.



That’s kind of harsh. I really don’t have a mad on for Christianity. What I hate is when some Christians in this country try to create a martyrdom where is none. They think a loss in privilege means a loss in freedom so they lash out at any and all perceived threats. Then they spin the story to make them seem like the put upon victim. I found a perfect example yesterday in this story on foxnews.com’s front page –



Oh shit!





What? No way!. I read the story thinking that maybe the headline was just meant to shock you into reading but once you got to the story it’d be a lot tamer but it wasn’t! Here’s the story –



Michael Salman is this god fearin’ dude that loved to get together with his pals and read some bible in his living room every week. Pretty soon some more friends wanted in on the bible study and after a while over a dozen people were doing this and his living room was getting a little cramped. He built himself a little secondary building where he and his bible buddies could get their pray on but the city government slapped him with a citation, saying if over a dozen people are gonna pray in a building it needs to be classified as a church (or a public school if you’re Texas). Michael Salman tried to explain that they weren’t a church, he wasn’t collecting money, they were just praying in his backyard shed. The city told him to stop but you can’t stop a good Christian from reading the bible with a dozen or more friends so now he’s serving 60 days in jail! Jail! For reading the bible!



This can’t be right. I googled “Michael Salman” to see if I could get a side of the story that isn’t so “Fox Fair and Balanced” but it seemed that the only news sites other than Fox that were reporting it were even more conservative than Fox. The Blaze, The Examiner and The Christian Post all told the same story, each posting the same picture of Pastor Salman surrounded by his loving family –



“Don’t send our daddy to prison!”


their respective comments sections filled to the brim with all caps declarations on how religious freedom in this country is eroding and how Muslims are probably responsible.



Funny thing about that story is that it’s like at least %50 bullshit.



Turns out the Alt Weekly for Phoenix has been doing stories on this guy since day 1 (check them out here!). Here’s the abridged version –



* Michael Salman moves to this nice, quiet neighborhood where the houses have big back yards. He’s a man who likes him some God. He’s a minister for Harvest Christian Fellowship and holds small services in his living room when not preaching on youtube about how you shouldn’t be nice to people who hold different beliefs than you –
[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iiANZHWx-84&w=420&h=315]
He wants to build a big ol’ church with a basketball court and daycare center and a giant inflatable Jesus floating around (okay I made that last one up) in his backyard.



* Salman’s neighbors ain’t exactly pleased with sharing a back yard with a mega church since that’ll send the property values plummeting and turn their quiet little neighborhood into a loud, congested mess.



* Neighbors fight Salman and win. He can’t build a church in his back yard. Salman withdraws his church plans and then submits plans to the city planner to build a “game room” in his backyard. The city planner, recognizing him from five minutes ago, asks if he’s going to use this game room as a Church. Michael Salman says he will not use the room as a public church. This is a lie.



* Neighbors tip off the cops that Salman might be having church in his “game room”. Salman says it’s merely a bible study and not a church. In his game room are 140 seats, a podium and a portrait of the last supper. You know, like a church. There’s a six foot white cross on his front lawn next to a four by eight foot sign for announcements. You know, like you’d see in front of a church. 50 or more people (numbers vary depending on who you ask) gather there every Sunday to hear Michael Salman, who they call “pastor”, talk about the bible for 1-2 hours. You know, like a church.



* Cops and city inspectors remind him that they said he can’t have a church there. They also point out that his game room is horribly unsafe and there’s a reason commercial zoning is different than residential. See, if you plan on having over 50 people in a place on a weekly basis, you need to make sure that there’s fire sprinklers, properly marked exits, handicap access and permanent wiring as opposed to just a bunch of extension cords (just a few of the dozens of code violations).



* Salman gets warnings, tickets and numerous letters from the city stating he can’t have a church in his back yard. Rather than trying to reach a compromise with neighbors (all who hate him now. His next door neighbor successfully filed a restraining order against him) or complying with the city, he just keeps on Churching and ignoring everybody. Eventually the citations pile up and now he has to go to jail.


So there you go. Michael Salman didn’t go to jail for hosting a home bible study. Despite what Fox, Glenn Beck, The Examiner etc. would have you believe, nobody’s going to jail for having a few friends over to read the bible. Michael Salman went to jail for having a church in his backyard, lying about it, pissing off his neighbors, putting his parishioners in danger by gathering in an unsafe building and ignoring multiple warnings from the city. He’s not a martyr or an example of the erosion of religious freedoms. He’s a stubborn man who thinks religious freedom means immunity from everything.



So shut up, Christians. You’re fine. Nobody’s persecuting you so wipe the tears from your eyes and go back to trying to run everything.

Prom’s Coming and Romney’s Choices for Dates Are Not Looking Good

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MSNBC has an article today speculating who Romney’s going to pick for his running mate. They’re calling it the “Veepstakes” because the only way they can try to make this sound remotely interesting is with a shitty pun.



Seriously. The stuff they’re speculating is just a bunch of bottom of the barrel no names and gimmicks. The primaries were such a bloodbath that anybody who lasted more than two weeks is out of the running because they probably had a TV ad about how Romney eats babies. Let’s look at the people that the media thinks Romney might pick.



Chris Christie

Gov. Christie singing with his band Blues Traveler.

Alright. I could talk about his years as a shameless lobbyist fighting for the government to deregulate energy companies (because the last thing they need is a tight leash) and easing up laws on securities fraud (because who really gets hurt in that?), his crazy budget slashing as NJ governor or his mob ties but let’s just shelve all that and poke fun at his weight.

Seriously, his name sounds like a chain of steak houses and he looks like he’s eaten a chain of steakhouses, booths and all. He’ll probably turn down Romney just because he’s scared that being a running mate may involve actual running. Ba-Zing!

It’s okay. I can make these jokes. I’m fat.



Kelly Ayotte

I see what you did there…

I get it. Going the Palin strategy of an attractive woman nobody’s heard of but this time make her a little less attractive so people don’t just automatically assume she’s a ditz. Maybe do a little research this time around and actually make sure she’s not a ditz (have her name a newspaper, make sure she doesn’t say things like as a resident of New Hampshire she can see Canadians out of her back yard or whatever).

Here’s the problem. She’s a little bit Palin and a little bit Bachmann. Ayotte’s batshit crazy and a total crusader. As a prosecutor in New Hampshire she sought the death penalty for a guy who murdered an off duty cop rather than life without parole. The main criticism comes from the fact that the death penalty is super expensive, costing over $2mil in appeals to date. It’s going to cost even more because New Hampshire hasn’t executed somebody in over 70 years. They don’t even have a facility to do so. They’re gonna have to drop another $3mil on top of all the appeals cost to build a facility just to kill this dude.

She also took a suit against Planned Parenthood all the way to the Supreme Court. She lost and had to pay Planned Parenthood’s attorney fees.



Rob Portman

Senator Whitebread McWhogivesashit

Rob Portman is a seven term (yawn) Congressman turned Senator from Ohio (yipee!). He… was the director for, oh God, the Office of Budget Management andas;dlkur zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz (snore). My money’s on this guy.



Pawlenty!

T-Paw!

I really hope Pawlenty gets the nomination. Don’t get me wrong, I hate his politics. I just felt bad for him after his 11th hour snub in 2008. He pretty much thought he was going to get that nomination only to get beat out by Palin. All those years of ass kissing, ladder climbing and saying what he thought people wanted to hear and that was the thanks he got. You can’t help but feel sorry for the guy.

He’d probably make a fine running mate, too. He’s very obedient and if you throw a sweater vest on him he’ll kind of look like Santorum so that’ll get the crazy fundamentalist Christians on your side.

Santorum or Pawlenty in a sweater vest? Can you tell the difference?




Whatever Romney decides I’m sure it will be awful.

OBAMACARE!

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THE SUPREME COURT UPHELD OBAMACARE 5-4, MUTHAFUCKAS!



This post isn’t going to debate whether they were right or wrong. This isn’t about trying to explain to the detractors that while Obamacare certainly has it’s flaws, it’s good for the country. This is simply gloating.



BOOM, BITCHES.





This post is all about poor sportsmanship. This is about doing the entire Thriller dance at the goal line, beginning to end, after scoring a glorious fucking touchdown. Congress passed it, the President signed it and the Supreme Fucking Court upheld it! We won! You lost! Booyah!



I don’t care if you think you think Obamacare is going to make us a communist country and it’s going to make the government round up all the senior citizens and shoot them and turn them into soylent green. I don’t care if you think people are going to jail and you’re going to have to wait five years to get a broken arm fixed. I don’t care if you think this is the end of democracy.



I think you’re wrong, but I don’t care. I don’t have to argue with you anymore. Obamacare was upheld by the supreme court and there’s nothing you can do about it! Ha!



I could try to convince you that it was the right decision. I’ve argued in favor of Obamacare many a time but now I don’t have to! It doesn’t matter if you like it, you just have to fucking deal with it.



Go ahead. Tell me I’m wrong. I invite anybody who disagrees with me to leave as lengthy a comment as they like detailing their views. You can back it up with links and statistics and personal stories all you like. I will simply respond with “nyah fucking nyah”.



This is America. If you don’t like it here, you can always move to Canada.

Kraft Foods Supports Homoreosexuality

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So Monday the Oreo facebook page posted this picture –



Have you ever taken a butterknife and shaved the creme off of five Oreos to make a “sextuple-stuff?” …me neither.





Two days later, it’s got 221,000 likes, 67,000 shares, 36,000 comments and a whole slew of news stories about all the buzz it’s generated. Some of the stories focus on how people are talking about a boycott in the facebook comments but nothing as of yet has been organized (I checked One Million Moms, the AFA website, basically all the “stick up their ass about gays” organizations).


First off, talk about a boycott all you want but it ain’t gonna work. Product boycotts against gay rights have been nothing but flops recently. Whether it’s girl scout cookies (cookies love the gays!) or the whole JC Penny Ellen DeGeneres thing, it seems like Anti-gay boycotts are just not effective for these bigots.



Good. I’m glad a boycott will most likely affect nothing and I’m glad Oreo did this. Oreo didn’t have to post anything about pride. They’re a cookie. I don’t expect cookies to take any sort of stance on civil rights (except the famously racist Mrs. Fields). They had no dog in this fight.



Seriously. They had no reason to do this other than to show their support for gay rights. Sure, Target made a bunch of Pride shirts and donated them but really they were covering their own asses after throwing money to anti-gay politicians and getting called out for it.



So thank you, Oreo. You’re not only the best packaged cookie out there and the only tasty thing a vegan can eat but now your fake cookie has become a sugary beacon for the gay rights movement. I think you should go one step farther, Oreo. Make the cookie.



Seriously. I would buy that cookie and not just because it has six layers of creme. I would buy that cookie to tell the world “I support marriage equality and also I’m pretty fat!”.



Granted, I’m no cookie architect. I don’t know if such a cookie is even possible. According to your wikipedia page you once made a Triple Stuff Oreo and released it in certain cities but discontinued it after a month. Was it too unstable? Did people go mad when confronted with that high a creme/cookie ratio? Is the middle cookie in the Triple Double Oreo there simply to maintain structural integrity?



I don’t know if you will do it or even if you can but until that day I’ll just dream of a country where everybody is treated equally regardless of sexuality and Oreos can have six layers of rainbow creme.

Bachmann: Pop-Culture Punching Bag?

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Maybe if punching bags were filled with bat shit insane zealot bitches instead of sand or whatever.



The Star Tribune posted an article today about how poor ol’ Michele Bachmann can’t catch a break. Even though she has shied away from the media since she got her ass handed to her in the primaries and ended up $80,000 in debt for her trouble, celebrities still take jabs at her. Her special brand of crazy is inspiring a plot line in True Blood, Jane Fonda calls her “nothing but a hairdo” in Aaron Sorkin’s new show and Catherine Zeta-Jones cited Bachmann as inspiration for her character in Rock of Ages.



Now I’ve taken my fair share of jabs at Bachmann. So many that I can spell her name correctly without looking it up (one “l”, two “n”s) but I haven’t written about her at all recently because she hasn’t done anything new and exciting since horribly failing at running for president. The article is asking why Hollywood is still taking shots at her even though she hasn’t done anything newsworthy lately and republican strategist Sarah Janecek states “”She created a vivid picture in those presidential debates as the only woman doing just fine against the men. With her perfect looks plus her ideology, in the age of celebrity, she became one.”



According to republican strategists, doing just fine = 6th place in the Iowa caucuses and perfect looks = this –

I love how she wears so much makeup there’s practically lens flare coming off her cheeks and how her hollow eyes communicate nothing but insanity. SO HOT. Easy to see how she turned Marcus straight.





I’ll admit that the slams about her looks are low blows. While it’s baffling that Janecek would say in defense that Bachmann has “perfect looks”, it’s unfair to make sniping comments about her looks. It’s a double standard that women in politics have to deal with that sort of thing and Michele Bachmann shouldn’t have to defend how she looks. She’s a politician, not a model.



She especially shouldn’t have to defend her looks since she should spend all her energy supporting her horrible views on praying the gay away, freedom of light bulbs and the idea that God told her she was going to become president.



Frankly, we shouldn’t be talking about her at all. I know it’s hard. She’s such an easy target but if we ignore her she might just go away. She’s busy campaigning for re-election this year (check out the pics on her facebook page and play the “find anybody who isn’t white” game) and she’ll probably get re elected because her district is full of idiots but if we leave her alone she might just stay off of Fox News.



Fingers crossed.