Tag Archives: news

Beer Bonging Buttholes Banned

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In the proud college fraternity tradition of strangely combining homophobia and homoeroticism, a University of Tennessee student was hospitalized with a blood alcohol content of nearly .45, allegedly achieving the nearly fatal alcohol poisoning via alcohol enemas`. The student vehemently denied he did such a thing but bloodstains and eyewitnesses confirm that he was, as the Knoxville News Literally called it several times in their article about the incident, “butt chugging.”



The craziest part of this story isn’t even how college kids are now apparently shoving boxed wine up their rectums to get drunk quicker (to be fair, have you tasted the boxed stuff?), it was the statement that was released by the Pi Alpha Kappa Fraternity after the… butt chugging incident happened in a Pi Alpha Kappa house.


“The recent allegations against these individuals have come as a complete shock to The Pi Kappa Alpha International Fraternity, its 15,000 undergraduate members and over 200,000 living alumni, family and friends,” the statement lied. “Pi Kappa Alpha’s mission is to develop men of integrity, intellect and high moral character and to foster a truly lifelong fraternal experience. These alleged activities are clearly not consistent with that mission, nor are they representative of what the fraternity would expect from any of its members.”



Come on, Pi Alpha Kappa, don’t try to blow Franzia up our asses. It’s one thing to condemn the actions of your members but don’t act surprised that there’s been an alcohol poisoning at a goddamn fraternity! You might as well act surprised that there was a date rape at a fraternity. Or act surprised when a hazing incident at a fraternity goes horribly awry, seriously injuring and sometimes even killing a pledge. Or act surprised when systematic cheating on tests goes on in a fraternity…



Wait, why the hell do we still have these things around anyway?

except as the settings for shitty straight-to-video National Lampoon movies.

Shit Romney

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Well, looks like ol’ Mitt’s done it again and said a bunch of stuff that makes him look like some out of touch elitist that thinks poor people are subhuman creatures beneath his notice. Now this isn’t the first time he’s said some dumb rich guy shit but with less than 2 months left in the election the media’s acting like he just lost with this gaffe –


The New York Daily News. All the class and erudition of an average New Yorker.





Obama supporters are really capitalizing on this, too –



You know Romney would start with the west coast so his precious Utah would have a coastline view. Also because he hates gay people.





Really, it’s not that big of a deal. I mean, yeah. It was a shitty thing to say but Mitt Romney’s a shitty person. I believe now as I have since he threw his magic underwear in the ring that he can’t win this. If anything he’s probably threw out that “fuck all the poor people” line to energize the right wing base that refuses to trust him due to his universal health care and wacky religion. I expect to see a lot more hardline conservative behavior in the next few weeks.

Who knows? Maybe he’ll start executing retarded people and claiming there’s WMDs in Iraq. That’d get his base going.

Freedom is not Free.

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MSNBC recently reported that the 9/11 memorial will cost $60,000,000 a year to operate. While many people are criticizing that the cost is far too high, the foundation that runs the memorial states that all the costs are necessary. Here’s just some of the unique features of the memorial and their projected costs.

$2mil: Fountain filled with bald eagle tears.

$7mil: Muslim detector.

$10mil: Research lab where geneticists are attempting to splice the DNA of Lee Greenwood and Toby Keith to create the perfect patriotic songwriter.

$1mil: Speaking fees for former President Bush to have weekly readings of “The Pet Goat”.

$600,000: Christian baby blood to be fed to the shape shifting lizards that live underground and shape world events to keep you complacent and asleep! Open your eyes and read some David Icke, man!

$2mil: Daily double feature of United 93 and World Trade center in Imax.

Phone Call to Clint Eastwood.

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“Hello, Clint? Hi, it’s me. Bob. Bob Newhart.



Thanks, I’m a huge fan of your work myself. Yes, I did see the speech last night, that’s actually what I’m calling about. No, I’m not asking to join your secret society of Hollywood conservatives but I’m glad to hear your organization is growing. There’s you, and you mentioned Jon Voight in your speech last night and…



Oh, that’s it? Well, it’s a start.



But, really, I-I really want to talk about the bit where you had the conversation with the President in the chair. Well, some might call it stealing, Clint.



It’s just that the one sided imaginary conversation is sort of my signature bit. For decades, actually.



Well I’m flattered that you consider me an “inspiration” for that part of your speech but you could at least try to get it right. For starters, I usually use a phone.



I disagree, it makes a big difference. See, when you’re on the phone, people can suspend their disbelief a bit and let themselves believe you’re actually having a conversation. It puts them at ease and allows the routine to flow better. When you’re addressing an empty chair onstage it just looks like you’re an old man suffering dementia who wandered into a convention center.



“YOU ALL SEE HIM, DON’T YOU? HE’S RIGHT THERE!”





The stammering didn’t help either. Yes, I know but when I do it it just makes me seem flustered and insecure. When an 82 year old man talking to a chair does it –



No, I do appreciate your dedication to being faithful to the bit, but… Well, if you really wanted to be faithful you could have tried to make it funny.



No, I saw the whole thing.



Yes, even the part where you said to the chair ‘No, I won’t shut up!’ It’s just, if you want to do this in a speech again, could you give me a call beforehand?



Oh, no. Not to help you write it. To tell you you can’t do it.



Thanks. Okay, I have to go. I’ve got Sir Walter Raleigh on hold.”

Legitimate Rape Jokes

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Here’s some news for you people who don’t have the internet, television or a conversation with anybody about politics in the last week. Republicans are really trying to soften the definition of rape.



It’s actually kind of creepy. First this Senate candidate in Missourah Todd Akin made his now incredibly famous remarks about a woman’s body shutting down in the case of a “legitimate rape”. Now VP candidate Paul Ryan calls rape “just another method of conception”. Earlier this year republicans were accused of waging a “war on women” but now they just narrowed their target down to rape victims, I guess.

legitimate asshole


With this unsettling contest of “which republic candidate can say the most horrific thing about rape” going on I can’t help but wonder on how Daniel Tosh feels about all this.


Think about it, two months ago Daniel Tosh made a rape joke onstage at the Laugh Factory and made fun of a heckler. Somebody blogged about it (inaccurately according laughspin, it went viral and Tosh became public enemy number 1. He still had some supporters, mostly stand up comics but the damage is done. He didn’t gain any new fans with this. Todd Akin said something way worse and he’s raised $100,000 in donations since the remarks. Paul Ryan said something way worse and it seems nobody but a couple people over at the Huffington Post even noticed.



What really makes what Akin and Ryan said worse is the fact that they have (or potentially will have) power to legislate laws concerning rape. Sure, Daniel Tosh shouldn’t have said what he did but at the end of the day he’s just a comedian. He may have used rape as subject matter for a joke but when you boil it down that’s all it was. A joke. So many people in the media vilified him but it’s not like he has any say in the laws concerning what governs rape, women’s reproductive health or general women’s rights. Akin and Ryan do and they’re getting treated with kid gloves compared to how Tosh got beat up by the media. If I was Daniel Tosh that would really get to me.



I guess the lesson here is that it’s not okay to say awful, dismissive things about rape unless you’re a republican politician. It’s Daniel’s fault he said that stuff in a comedy club. He should have said it on a morning news show or town hall meeting.

Snooki Gives Birth to Healthy 5 Year MTV Contract Extention.

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Congratulations to Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi on the birth of her first child, Lorenzo Dominic LaValle!



Yep, that thing’s a mom now.





I don’t really know much about Jersey Shore since I’ve never seen a single episode but I do know that everybody there has a stupid nickname for some reason. Now I read on wikipedia that, traditionally, the “Guido” or “Guidette” will choose their nickname after contracting their first STD so here’s some suggestions of possible nicknames for little Lorenzo when that day finally comes 12 years from now.




Benzo

Lorenzcrafters

The Incident

Lollipop

Lorenzo Lamas

PussPound

Snooki Jr.

Spinoff

MTV Presents Lorenzo

Manscape

Fetal Alcohol Syndrome

Tanning Bed

Li’l Snook Snook

Doesn’t-say-it-out-loud-because-he-knows-it-isn’t-socially-acceptable-but-totally-hates-black-people

Bodyshots

Loud in Crowded Public Areas

L.L. Bean

Negative Stereotype




Hope he uses one of my suggestions!

The Minnesota Marriage Amendment Will Probably Pass. Here’s Why.

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People who support it don’t know what it is.



I’m not kidding. There are people in this state who are planning to vote “yes” on the Minnesota Marriage Amendment without even knowing what it is. They have an idea, of course. They have the vague knowledge that it’s about gay marriage. The problem is that they think that the Amendment up for vote in the November election is to legalize gay marriage.



I know these people exist because I actually talked with one of them this week.



I was on the road at my new job with my trainer. He was a nice guy but really, really conservative. Like, all over the board. Socially, fiscally, the whole package. As some of you regular readers know I’m really, really liberal. We talked politics for a bit but were able to keep it civil. Making our points and respecting (but not agreeing) to the other person’s opinions. I get into so many ranting political arguments on the internet that I’ve almost forgotten what it’s like to have some polite debate.



He did fuck with me a little. He made me listen to Rush Limbaugh as a joke (but also because he wanted to listen to Rush Limbaugh) and we all know how I feel about him. During the local station’s little two minute news segment the reporter said something about how Augsburg College is officially opposing the Minnesota Marriage Amendment and how they’re the first college in the state to take a stance yada yada gay panic. Here’s the conversation we had that followed hearing that story.



TRAINER: A college taking a stance on gay marriage. That’s messed up.



ME: Hey, good for them. This whole “kick ’em while they’re down” amendment is messed up, anyway.



TRAINER:“Kick ’em when they’re down”? Alright, you probably know how I feel about all of this (the subject of gay rights came up in conversation a few times and he didn’t state his opinion, probably out of concern of being viewed as intolerent. He did, however, say things like “well, I’m a Christian so…” or “well, I’m a conservative so you probably know what I think about that”) but what are you talking about?



ME:This whole amendment is just about making gay marriage “super illegal”.



TRAINER:Super illegal?



ME:Yeah, this vote isn’t even about legalizing gay marriage.



TRAINER:Wait, what?



ME:Yeah. Gays can’t get married in Minnesota. When I went to get the marriage certificate with my wife, there was a thing at the bottom that said “is one of you a chick and one of you a dude?” The wording was a little more official but yeah, it’s already illegal to get gay married in MN. This vote is on whether or not to change the state’s constitution to say that gays can’t get married. So, it’s already legal but if this passes it will still be illegal and hey, fuck you, queers.



TRAINER:Really?



ME:Yep. If this doesn’t pass, gay marriage will still be illegal.



TRAINER:Huh. That is really a kick ’em when they’re down thing, huh?


I didn’t press the issue past that. I’m not about to change some hardcore conservative’s views, I’m the new guy at work so I don’t want to get into an argument with my trainer and frankly, I was surprised that I got him listening and thinking about the whole thing.



Here’s the kicker. This guy isn’t an idiot. I’m not about to follow him around with a notebook writing down his quotes but he is by no means stupid. He’s just a regular guy and he thought that this vote was to legalize gay marriage in Minnesota when it really isn’t.



He can’t be alone. How many other people in this state have the same ideas about this vote?



Shit, maybe instead of yelling at people I don’t agree with I should try to have a conversation with them.



There has to be a less confusing slogan than this one.

“Gang of Juggalos” Sounds Like the Worst HBO Series Ever.

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The FBI has classified “Juggalos” as a gang. No lie. Juggalos.



For those of you who don’t know, Juggalos (or Juggalettes if you’re referring to the female version) are fans of Insane Clown Posse. A hillbilly rap group that likes to dress up like clowns and talk about killing people with hatchets. Even if you’re not familiar with the band, you’ve probably seen them skewered on SNL. When ICP released an infomercial about their yearly music festival “The Gathering of the Juggalos” on youtube (14 minutes but so worth it if you have the time)-



[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nNe11E_KiAk&w=560&h=315]



It led to brilliant SNL sketch (gotta click the link, sorry. Hulu won’t embed on here for some reason).

When ICP released this ridiculous video –



[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_-agl0pOQfs&w=560&h=315]



SNL came out with this. They also did a second Gathering parody. Seriously, there’s a writer on that show that’s got a total hard on for making fun of ICP.



Now that you know the band, let’s meet the fanbase and alleged crime syndicate. I present to you, the Juggalo –



The only thing I like more than awful music is making my face all itchy and pimply with clown makeup.





This is the Juggalo. They like listening to clowns rap, drinking Faygo for some reason and backyard wrestling. Being a juggalo is like it’s own subculture. They’re misunderstood (self proclaimed. Most people understand them perfectly) and they refer to other Juggalos as family. A family bonded in listening to shit music.



The FBI has classified them as a “loosely-organized hybrid gang” because a few ICP fans have committed crimes. The Insane Clown Posse has claimed this has led to government harassment of all Juggalos, most of whom are perfectly law abiding, makeup wearing, Faygo swilling poker table smashing hillbillies.



ICP is actually planning to file a lawsuit against the FBI for labeling their fans as a gang and… I hate to admit it, but they’re right.



As much as I’d love for it to be true, listening to shitty music isn’t a crime. Enjoying ICP doesn’t make you a gang just like enjoying Marilyn Manson ten years ago didn’t make you a school shooter. Just because a small portion of their fanbase has committed crimes it doesn’t warrant the FBI to label everybody who listens to that garbage.



I’m going to have to keep an eye on how this whole story develops. Guess I’ll start watching the Juggalo News Network –



[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AqiERLLl-N0&w=560&h=315]



…I honestly don’t know if that’s satire of if that’s actually for ICP fans.

FREE JULIAN ASSANGE BECAUSE… well…

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Julian Assange, the weird albino creator of Wikileaks has been holed up in the Ecuadoran Embassy in London since June 19th because British authorities want to have him extradited to Sweden! Swedish authorities have been trying to put him in prison for years now simply because he made Wikileaks!



Wait… what’s that? Sweden just wants him to stand trial after he skipped bail on rape and assault charges from two different women?



That’s weird because PolanskiImeanAssange supporters are making this sound like some free speech battle or something.



Huh. Crazy. So just so we’re clear, Julian Assange was charged with rape, went to jail in England, paid bail and sought asylum so he couldn’t be extradited to Sweden to stand trial. He’s not fleeing some trumped up charges or false imprisonment, he’s simply avoiding facing the charges against him in court. He hasn’t even been found guilty or sentenced for anything.



So basically all these people protesting and getting arrested in England are defending a man because he doesn’t want to stand trial when a couple of chicks said he raped them?



Anonymous fights for free speech unless that speech is coming from a woman that said Julian Assange raped her.





These people won’t rest until Julian Assange is placed above the system.





“You can arrest me but you’ll never arrest Julian Assange for a way, way worse crime!”





Granted, the the case is a little murky and there is a chance that he’s being targeted because he’s a high profile individual but that doesn’t put him above the law. If I got charged with rape I couldn’t just run to an embassy even if the charges were trumped up. I’d have to stand trial. That’s how this shit works.



The other factor at play here is that you can’t be sure if the charges are false. If this actually did happen not only did he commit a crime but he pretty much kicked the victims while they were down with all this running, hiding and protests.



I kind of understand where his supporters are coming from, though. It’s hard to look at the man and think he could successfully force himself upon a woman –



He just don’t look that rapey.

Go Out and Vote Today! Or Not. It’s Just the Primaries, Really.

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Today hundreds of Americans will meander lazily to local schoolhouses, churches and those buildings in public parks that are always locked up and when you see them you’re always like “what are those buildings for? They’re never fucking open!” to vote for which candidate they wish to represent their preferred party in the Senate and House.



Also, some district judges and school board spots or whatever.



I went and voted in the primaries this morning –



Proof!





I’ve never actually voted in a primary before because, well… they’re the primaries. Today, however, I was reminded by the Star Tribune that today was primary day and the stars aligned for me to go out and vote because –

1: I don’t have a pesky job to keep me from the polling booth during voting hours (although voting is a great way to duck out of work. I think employers legally have to let you go out and vote).

2: The nearest polling place is a three minute walk from my front door.

3: The U.S. Rep in my district, Keith Ellison, is being challenged by an out of state, fetus fetishizing islamophobe and while I’ve stated that Boisclair has no chance, the Ellison camp seems concerned enough to throw $5 to some facebook ads so I figured I’d put out equal effort-

This is the first time anybody’s ever been affected by a facebook ad ever.





Will you vote in today’s primaries? To find out if voting in the primaries is right for you, ask yourself these questions –

Do you like voting but hate long lines? Or any lines? Do you enjoy the thought of being the only person in the room who is not an election judge?

Do you enjoy free stickers? I only got one but this is the primaries, baby! They’re flying casual today. You can probably get all the stickers you want! Ask for a dozen.

Are you running for school board? Did you know that you can vote for yourself if you’re on the ballot?

Do you live in Minnesota’s fifth district? Is your Representative who’s actually pretty cool and good at his job being challenged by some insane Randall Terry hand-puppet?


If you answered “yes” to any of these questions then voting in the primaries may just be right for you so head on down to your local polling place!



Or don’t. Whatever.