Tag Archives: news

My Interview With Time’s Person of the Year

Posted on by
3

The time has come for Time to name it’s Person of the Year for 2011 and this time Time has decided that the most influential person of the year is The Protester.



The Protester takes a brief respite from protesting to pose for the cover of Time




While The Protester has been incredibly busy all over the world protesting things like inequality, injustice and unfairness, The Protester took a moment from their schedule to sit down with me for a brief interview about their new found fame, the art of protesting and their love life.


BILL YOUNG
Thanks for coming. I know you must be busy protesting things.

THE PROTESTER
Thanks for having me! I have been protesting a lot lately. There’s just so much to protest in this world. Keeps a concept busy. Idle hands, you know?

BY
You have been all over the world this year. Egypt, Greece, Libya, every major U.S. city. Where is your favorite place to protest?

TP
Each country has it’s charms, you know? It’s hard to pick. Every place has so much beauty that sticks in my memory. Watching the sun set in Egypt through the smokey haze of a burning cop car. The way the celebratory gunfire would ring through the night in Libya. Greece simply has the best Gyros. I love that cucumber sauce. I’d have to say the U.S. is probably my favorite though because I tend to die the least while protesting here.

BY
Things can get violent for you. You’ve been pelted with thousands of rubber bullets, tear gassed and pepper sprayed countless times, arrested repeatedly and murdered hundreds of times this year alone at the hands of The Police. Do you hold any animosity towards The Police?

TP
Listen, I know that seeing us on the news together that it looks like we must hate each other but The Police is doing his job and I’m doing mine. We’re coworkers.

BY
You do seem to spend a lot of time together.

TP
We work together.

BY
So is there any truth to the rumor that Perez Hilton saw you and The Police at a LA hotspot “sharing drinks, laughs and a quick kiss”?

TP
Like I said, we’re coworkers. Nothing more. I don’t even have time for relationships these days.

BY
So what’s next for The Protester?

TP
Well, I’ll be heading to Russia pretty soon. I know, Russia in the winter, it’s crazy but they have this whole rigged election going on and you go where the job takes you.

BY
Is there any place you wouldn’t protest?

TP
China. Definitely. I’m so needed there but I know when I am not welcome. No thanks(laughs)!

BY
Have any opportunities popped up for you since you’ve been bestowed the “Person of the Year” title?

TP
I am actually in the middle of recording an album right now of all my favorite protest chants. It should drop in a couple of months and it’ll have my chants from all over the world like “OUST!” and “Enough is Enough! Gaddafi’s time is up!”. My favorite to record so far is “This is what brutality looks like!” Kanye West produced that track.



For my full interview with The Protester including recipes, fashion tips and their Oscar picks for 2011 sign up for youngnotions premium when I create it.

The God Particle

Posted on by
4

I’m not a scientist. I know this may come to a surprise to a lot of you since I wear a lab coat everywhere and have a bunch of beakers filled with different colored bubbling liquids in my living room but it’s all just for show. I am actually not a scientist.


Most people aren’t scientists, when you think about it. Ask yourself, how many scientists do you know? Maybe one, right? Possibly two. It’s okay. Most of us just aren’t scientists. The problem with most of us not being scientists is that when we read a news article about the Higgs Boson the media makes it sound like they’re about to fucking force God out of his spider hole or some shit.


Photo of God courtesy of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.




Why do they keep calling it “The God Particle”? None of the researchers at CERN actually believe that God is made up of Higgs Bosons (I’m assuming. Please leave a comment if you’re a CERN employee and I’m way off base). Discovery of the particle won’t prove or disprove the existence of God. Once they find the Higgs Boson, God won’t pop out and say “Aaaahhh! You got me! I almost totally had you tricked on how I created the universe!”. The only purpose this title serves is to let people jump to conclusions on something they have little to no knowledge about. The more you let people believe the Higgs Boson is God poop or whatever, the wilder the fantasy of the reader. Speaking of which, here’s how the headline appeared on foxnews.com


and Fox News is usually so level headed.




That headline serves no other purpose than to lead you to believe a bunch of scientists are chasing God through the woods.


The worst part about this is that when this particle is finally discovered God will still be invisible and you, the non scientist, will no longer give a shit about this important discovery. You may possibly even lose faith and trust in science since it didn’t deliver on what the media promised you, God on a platter. If those stupid scientists couldn’t gift wrap God for you like they totally said they could why should you believe any of that other bullshit they say about stuff like global warming and evolution and dinosaurs?


Listen, fellow non scientists. All I ask of you is to have a little faith in science. Science works in mysterious ways and it may not seem like it right now, but science has a plan. Just believe. In the name of the proton, the neutron and the orbiting electron.

Does Anybody Even Like This Stupid Lying Bitch?

Posted on by
6

So the other day Michele Bachmann said if she were president, we wouldn’t have an American embassy in Iran. The US hasn’t had an embassy in Iran since 1980 but no big surprise there. Between John Wayne, Elvis, the Founding Fathers, first shots fired etc. etc. I think most of the American people have just become used to Bachmann’s constant stream of misinformed bullshit word salad. It’s like every time she has to go in front of a camera or crowd she has an aide punch her in the side of her head as hard as they can. She sounds punch drunk.


To make things even better, she’s now flat out denying that her statement was false. The balls on this woman!


From a statement from her campaign, “Congresswoman Bachmann is a member of the House Select Committee on Intelligence and is fully aware that we do not have an embassy in Iran and have not had one since 1980,” said the statement. “She was agreeing with the actions taken by the British to secure their embassy personnel and was speaking in the hypothetical, that if she was President of the United States and if we had an embassy in Iran, she would have taken the same actions as the British.”


Oh, so that’s what she meant. I guess it’s everybody else’s fault for not reading her goddamned mind.


Whatever. It’s not the first time she’s been a dumb asshole and it won’t be the last. This recent story just made me think… does anybody like her?


I know that most of the people reading this tend to be liberal but is there anybody out there who would honestly vote for Michele Bachmann? I know a few republicans and libertarians and tea partiers but I’ve never had a conversation with anybody who actually likes her.


It’s gotta be tough for the Bachmann supporter (if they exist). Constantly defending her misstatents, gaffes, hiding in bushes to spy on gay rallies, her crazy eyes.

She got crazy eyes. This isn't even a "gotcha" shot. This is like her congressional class photo.




I don’t even want somebody to try to convince me to like her, I just want to find somebody that admits they like her.


Are you out there?


Oh Shit Newt Gingrich is in the Lead Now?

Posted on by
1

A couple of months ago I wrote about how it was sad that republicans were falsely letting Newt Gingrich believe he had a shot at the presidential nomination but now he’s fucking tied for first? What?


I get the fact that the previous front runners have either proven to be perverts, dipshits or Michele Bachmann but if you leave Newt Gingrich in the spotlight too long he’s going to say something awful like child labor laws are stupid.


He actually said that.


From the CNN article “It is tragic what we do in the poorest neighborhoods, entrapping children in child laws which are truly stupid,” Gingrich said. “Saying to people you shouldn’t go to work before you’re 14, 16. You’re totally poor, you’re in a school that’s failing with a teacher that’s failing.”


God knows when you’re young and poor what you need is more manual labor and less education. There’s more!


“I tried for years to have a very simple model. These schools should get rid of unionized janitors, have one master janitor, pay local students to take care of the school. The kids would actually do work; they’d have cash; they’d have pride in the schools. They’d begin the process of rising.”


Now that’s some bold 19th century robber-baron thinking! Why pay adults fair wages and benefits to do a job that kids will do for dirt cheap? When you think about it, there’s all sorts of jobs kids can be doing. You hear all the time about coal miners getting trapped in cave ins but if kids were miners it would probably be way easier to get them out of the mines. They’re smaller so rescue crews would have to do half the work to get them out. Their tiny little hands are probably great for picking fruit and sewing clothes. China uses child labor all the time and their economy is booming! The best part is that kids will become accustomed at a young age to shitty pay and working conditions so we won’t have to worry about them forming those pesky unions as adults.


Vote Gingrich in 2012 because he’s a horrible, soulless monster!


p.s. hey if you want to keep reading things I wrote but want to read on a different website I did a guest blog for The Comedy Corner Underground! Click on it and read the thing and then you can click on the link at the bottom of the blog back to my website! Repeat this process until you have gone insane.

On the Good Ship Censor

Posted on by
Reply

Jena here. Today, the Young Notions blog post will be edited by me, about SOPA Censorship bill.

I |||||||||||||||||||||||||| ||||||||||||||||||| ||||||||| |||||||||||||||||||||| |||||| |||||||||||||||||| ||||||||| love |||||||||||||||||||| |||. |||||||||||||||| ||||||||||||||| ||| ||||||||||| ||||||||||| ||||||||||||||||| |||| |||||||||| ||||||||||||||| ||| |||||||||||||||||. ||||||||||||||||||||| ||||||||||| |||||||| |||||||||||||||||| ||| |||||||||||||. My |||||||||||||| |||||||||||||||| |||| |||||||||||||| || ||||||||||||||||||||||| ||||||| |||||||||||||||||. |||||||||||||| |||||||||||| |||||||||||||||||| ||||||||||||||| |||| |||||||||||||||||||||| |||||||||| wife.

She |||||||||||||||| ||||||||||||||| |||||||||||||| |||||||||||||||| |||||||||||||||||| |||||||||||| ||| |||||||||||||||||||| |||| |||||||||||. |||||||||||||||| ||||||| |||||| |||||||||||||||||||| ||||||||||| |||||||||||| makes ||||||||||||||||| ||||| |||||||||||||||| ||||||||||||| ||||| |||||||||||||||||||. ||||||||||||||| |||||||||||||| ||||||||||||||| || |||||||||||||||| ||||||||| ||||||||| |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||| |||||||||||||||||| |||| |||||||||| |||||| |||||||||||| me |||||||||||. |||||||||||||||| |||||||||||| | | | |||||| ||||||||||| a ||||||||||| ||||||||||||||||||| ||||| | |||||||||||||||||||||||| | | |||||||||||||||||||| ||||||||||||. |||||||||||||||||||||||||||| |||||| ||||||||||||||| |||||||||| ||||||||||||||||| |||||| ||||||||||| ||||||||||||||||||| ||||||| | ||||||||||||||||| better |||||||||| ||||||||||||||| | |||||||||| |||||| |||||||||||||| ||||| ||||||||||||||||||||||||. ||||||| |||||||||| |||||||||||||||||| |||||||| |||||||||||||||||||||||||| ||||| ||||||||||||||||||||| |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||| person.

Image

I |||||||||||||| |||||||||||||||||||||||| |||||||| ||||||||||||||||||||||||||| ||| |||||||||||| |||||||||||||||| |||||||||||||| ||| |||||||||||| owe ||||||||||||| ||||||||||||||| ||| |||||||||||||||| ||||||||||| |||||||||||||| |||||||||||| ||| |||||||||||| ||||||||||||| ||| ||||||||||||||||||. ||||||||||||| |||||||||||||| ||||||||||||||| || ||| ||||||||||||||| |||||||||||| her |||||||||||||||||| ||||||||||||| ||||||||||| |||||||||||||| |||| ||||||||||||| ||||||||||||||||||| ||| ||||||||||||||||| |||||| |||||||||||||||||||| ||||||| ||||| ||||||||||||||||| ||||||||||||| ||||| |||||||||||||||| ||||| everything.

I cut out a few words here and there. You know, for flow. But I guarantee you this is what he meant, and my censorship in no way negates his original post.

If Pizza is a Vegetable I’m a Health Nut.

Posted on by
3

This is what’s wrong with the government. This is what all those stinky OWS hippies are complaining about. Congress is bought. The government will never act in the people’s interest as long as corporate lobbyists can get legislators to do whatever they want by stuffing their pockets with cash. It doesn’t matter who you elect because as long as corporations can lobby, government will act in act in the interest of lobbies.



Don’t believe me? This week members of congress were able to say with a flawless fucking poker face that Pizza is a goddamn vegetable.



Here’s what’s happening. The Obama administration submitted a proposal to make school lunches healthier because all the kids are fatties. The measure included putting more veggies in school lunch rotation and limiting things like frozen pizza and french fries (two things you could get every day when I was in high school).



From the article, “The final version of a spending bill released late Monday would unravel school lunch standards the Agriculture Department proposed earlier this year, which included limiting the use of potatoes on the lunch line and delaying limits on sodium and delaying a requirement to boost whole grains.

The bill also would allow tomato paste on pizzas to be counted as a vegetable, as it is now. USDA had wanted to prevent that.
Food companies that produce frozen pizzas for schools, the salt industry and potato growers requested the changes, and some conservatives in Congress say the federal government shouldn’t be telling children what to eat.”



Okay, first off, tomato paste is not a vegetable. I know this because tomatoes are a goddamn fruit. Adding sugar, salt, cheese, modified food starch and silicon dioxide to a fruit does not make it a vegetable.



This goes beyond word manipulation. This is outright lying. The kind of lying that puts cigarette ads from the 1920s to shame.



Only smoke what your doctor recommends.





Face it. Congress would shove the fat directly in your kids’ arteries if the price was right.



Since we’re throwing nutritional common sense out the window let’s just go nuts. Here’s some suggestions for the new healthy lunch proposal.



* Ice cream is a good source of calcium.
* Nachos are a vegetable (there’s tomatos in the salsa!)
* Oreos contain several B vitamins and folic acid. This qualifies them as a multivitamin.
* Fuck it. Cheese is a vegetable.


If you would like to make sure these changes don’t go through, please write to your congressperson and make sure to include a check for at least $50,000.

Time to Occupy a Goddamn Shower

Posted on by
5

I agree with the message of the Occupy movement. The method is a different story.

I do think that there is a serious problem with the wealth distribution in this country and while plenty of people will say that protesting doesn’t actually change anything these days, the Occupy movement is getting some serious press. I hated reading stories of police using tear gas and rubber bullets on protesters and when I heard about cities cracking down on camping in the parks and arresting protesters I felt a little conflicted. On one hand, I hated to see these peaceful protests broken up. On the other, I was thankful that this would give the protesters a chance to wash the fuck up.

Seriously. If I go one day without a shower I get a little greasy and if I go two I’m pretty ripe. These protests have been going on since August and most of these hippies haven’t had more than whore baths in Burger King bathroooms. There’s nothing sanitary about a burger king bathroom. That’s where Humpty gets busy.

Frankly, I’m not even sure why they camped there anyway. Would it be less effective to Occupy Wall Street until 10PM and then go home and sleep? Am I missing something important to the message here?

When you think about it, the government is probably doing these people a favor by making them go home. Sleeping in a tent and eating hobo stew every day can’t be good for the mind. I’ve never camped for more than three nights in a row but whenever I got home after a camping trip I’m always a little feral. I can’t imagine shitting in a port-o-potty for 60 days straight will leave a man with much sanity.

Is that really who you want to be representing your message? Some crazy eyed stink machine with chunks of pigeon meat in his shaggy beard? Sure, bank executives are greedy but at least I don’t have to make sure to breathe through my mouth while talking to them.

Now Thinkprogress just reported that NY Mayor Bloomberg was issued a temporary restraining order allowing protesters back into Zuccoti park with their tents. That’s all well and good but how about a compromise? You can chant and wail about the Bildeberg group all you like but how about two nights a week you go home, clean up and sleep on a bed? Wednesdays and Sundays. Your message will get across just as clear and you won’t seem like insane sewer dwellers.

Fucking Oops?

Posted on by
4

While searching different news sites for articles to rip off and call my own (just like a real blogger!), I couldn’t fucking escape Rick Perry’s Oops (each highlighted word links a different news story!) from last night’s debate.


I didn’t want to post about it at first because I feel like I’m paying too much attention to him. I’ve already posted about him fellating fair food and shooting first and asking questions never but this is a real turning point in the Perry campaign. A blunder which he may not recover from.


This isn’t about how he had a “brain freeze” or simply that he forgot what he was going to say. It’s about what he forgot. Rick Perry didn’t know what government program to eliminate. A conservative not knowing what piece of government to slash is like a fat guy not knowing what he wants for dessert (trust me. I’m a fat guy and I always know what I want for dessert).


Perry knows this, too. That’s why he was talking about cutting government programs when the question in the debate had nothing to do with cutting programs (the question was about how he could work with democrats across the aisle). He just launched into what he’d slash because he knows to give the people what they want. Conservatives would turn government programs into people if it was possible just so they could watch welfare’s legs twitch as it swung from the gallows rope. Perry had the audience sitting at the edge of their seats just salivating as he said “I will tell you: It’s three agencies of government, when I get there, that are gone: Commerce, Education and the — what’s the third one there?”


What’s the third one? Seriously? Say anything! The FDA, Transportation, anything but the military! That’s your fucking answer! Don’t leave your fans just sitting there with anti-government blue balls!


This could be it for Perry. Between this, the Herman Cain scandal and Michele Bachmann calling everybody a socialist (including her republican opponents) like a broken robot, Mitt Romney may just get the nomination.


So thanks, Perry. Now Mitt Romney’s going to be president and we’ll all have to convert to Mormonism.

President Obama Orders Cuts in Gov’t “Swag”

Posted on by
Reply

The Star Tribune reported that the president will sign an executive order today banning promotional material purchased by government agencies with taxpayer money. The order will also limit cell phones and lap tops issued to federal employees and reduce the size of the executive vehicle fleet but it will ban “swag” outright. Here’s a partial list of some of the promotional items agencies will no longer be issued.


FBI: “Federal Boob Inspector” badges.

TSA: Promotional “Huggy the Box Cutter Groping Bear” plush toys to give to children who opt out of the full body scan.

USDA: “USDA Certified 100% Beefcake” muscle t-shirts.

CIA: Gift baskets and “oops!” Hallmark cards given to released Guantanamo detainees.

CDC: “Brave Patient” stickers, suckers, vaccinations.

DEA: “As seen on the hit show ‘Breaking Bad'” stickers.

ATF: Promotional Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms.

A photo of the President looking stern. It'll look good when I link this on facebook.




There goes Obama. Cutting government costs like a typical tax and spend Democrat.

Brokeback Iceberg

Posted on by
1

Buddy was a bachelor. He had been all his life. He felt out of place living in a society that told him that a man and a woman are supposed to mate for life and have children. He pushed others away, always with the crowd but in solitude. It wasn’t until a trip to Toronto that he met Pedro that he felt like he could even connect with anybody.



Nearly 10 years younger than Buddy, Pedro was a bit naive but had a lust for life that drew Buddy in and kept him captivated. They hit it off right away, discovering they shared passions for things like swimming and sushi. They started doing everything together. Their bond grew and eventually they spent the night together.



Ever since then they spent every night together. People could tell immediately that they were a couple the way they made braying sounds, defended their territory and made a nest together. They were a pair of gay African penguins and they didn’t care who knew.

"Let them judge us, I don't care! Also, SQUACK!"




While one would think that this union wouldn’t be frowned upon in gay friendly Canada, the Toronto Zoo has recently decided to seperate them so they can breed with females. Unfortunately, African penguins are an endangered species and they have a responsibility to keep their race alive.


This is unconscionable. The Toronto Zoo is interfering with true love and while The Center for Functional and Evolutionary Biology reported that penguins exhibit same sex pair bonding when there’s a shortage of females but will mate when females are present, the commentors on the articles about Pedro and Buddy put out a much more compelling argument.

“They should just leave them together – this is like forced marriage..­. They are happy, don’t disrupt their happiness.” – Eddyfrankjack on The Huffington Post.

“hope they use those sharp beaks of theirs and bite off something from the zookeepers. It would be well deserved, that’s what I would do if someone tried to separate me from my true love.” C.L. on The Daily Mail.

“Just leave the penguins alone. If they really are “gay”, then you will break their hearts, I hear they mate for life, maybe not this species. They are also not going to want anything to do with a female so their goal of creating more African Penguins will result in nothing more then a longing male and an embittered female.” AndrewSix on time.com.

“Penguins mate for life!” Holy shit like everybody on every article a thousand times.



I’m sorry, Toronto Zoo but I’m going to have to side with the people that heard a single fact about penguins while absentmindedly watching the discovery channel one time which is why I will not rest until Canada allows gay penguins to marry.


Please, Canadian readers, call whatever your equivalent to a congressman is and tell them to vote yes on Prop 319 to allow gay penguin marriage. Buddy and Pedro deserve to be happy, endangered species be damned.