Tag Archives: mitt romney

The Republican Candidates. Where are they now?

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Can you believe it’s been over a month since the election? I got thinking about all those kooky republican primary candidates that were occupying my nightmares no more than a year ago when I heard something on the radio about Tim Pawlenty getting a job as a consultant for something or other. It made me think about what happened to all the other candidates? What are they doing? Let’s take a look.



Mitt Romney
mitt

Before we get to the primary candidates let’s look at the biggest loser. Last I saw was some fluff news story about him pumping his own gas or something. My guess is that he’s dealing with the loss by hiring Obama look-alikes to hunt on his private island for sport or trying to build a spaceship to find Kolob.



Herman Cain
Herman

Probably out sexually harassing some chicks.

Seriously though he pops up in the media every now and again. He’s recently been calling for conservatives to create a 3rd party because the Republicans don’t represent true conservatives these days and the current party has a little too much legitimacy.



Ron Paul!
ronpaul

Ron Paul quit Congress. Below is his 48 minute retirement speech. I only saw the first couple of minutes but he comes out the gate by shit talking Democrats, Republicans, government and Congress. I don’t know if he’s being badass or just whiny.

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q03cWio-zjk&w=420&h=315]



Michele Bachmann
220px-Bachmann2011

We will never be rid of the monster. This bitch is bulletproof. Pure teflon. She will be screeching on TV about lightbulb freedom and trying to get people to pray the gay away long after I’m dead. I don’t know how the 6th district keeps re-electing her. I seriously don’t.



Rick Santorum
frothymix

Ugh. Who cares? Seriously. I think he’s doing weekly columns for worldnetdaily or some bullshit. Whatever. Fuck him. Ugh.

Jena Does a Political Post

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Bill said he was done doing political posts. I haven’t made one yet… not my thing. I’m not nearly the die hard Democrat he is. Hell, I’m not a Democrat. And no, that doesn’t make me a Republican. I just don’t really feel that the views of either of those political parties match mine enough to where I’m willing to ascribe myself to it.

Which makes it really hard to get riled up over what one party is doing vs another. I’m just constantly angry at everyone

I suppose I’m probably more libertarian than anything, only Ayn Rand makes me want to vomit. Oh sure- there are a couple of good ideas in there about owning your responsibility and going out and doing, but her views on the rest of humanity make me want to puke until all of the bile is out of my body so I don’t have to taste it anymore when her name comes up.

Really, politics just make me tired and cranky. They make me want to tear my hair and cry. Like a 4 year old. Like THIS 4 year old:

[youtube=http://youtu.be/kj5bmcBSQyM]

Well played, little girl.

Move Over, Obama Girl! There’s a Way Shittier Conservative Ripoff in Town!

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When it comes to political beliefs, so much of it is debatable opinion. What I think is right for this country can be wildly different from what somebody else thinks. So little of politics is actual verifiable fact but whatever you believe there is at least one undeniable truth in politics. Republicans suck at political comedy. Don’t believe me?



[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6o_3UIhK-Pw&w=420&h=315]



I’m so very sorry if you just watched that. Nobody should ever be subjected to The Half Hour News Hour but I’m trying to make a point here and I think I succeeded.



If that wasn’t example enough for you, we have this –



[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yyrN17jAiDw&w=560&h=315]



That’s Paul Ryan Girl. It’s a…parody of Obama Girl I guess? I think they’re trying to be funny, right? They did a song parody of “Let’s Get Physical” because he’s into P90X and this strung out crackwhore shows up who’s supposed to be the Obama Girl but she likes Paul Ryan now? Take that, Obama Girl and Obama!



In an interview with Sean Hateity the actress said that most of the negative feedback has just been superficial stuff like she’s not as Obama Girl which is weird because there’s totally a bunch of non superficial things wrong with this. Let’s start with the fact that Paul Ryan isn’t running for President. Why no Mitt Romney Girl? Why can’t this poor guy step out of the shadow of his running mate? Is it because he doesn’t look as good shirtless or is it harder to find shirtless pics of him because of the whole Mormon underwear thing?



Not mine. Click the pic for more Arrested Development quotes on campaign pics.





Also, the Obama Girl video was an original song. This is a parody. It’s the lowest form of musical comedy. Only one person in the world gets to get away with doing parody songs and that’s Weird Al. This ain’t Weird Al.



Also Obama Girl’s way hotter.


What the Fuck Happened With Mitt Romney?

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Not once this year have I been worried that Mitt Romney would win this election. There have been moments that I’ve heard people defend some awful thing he’s said that made me scratch my head but never have I thought he could actually win this thing. Obama’s got this, plain and simple.

Despite my confidence in Obama winning this election, Mitt’s been at least holding his own so far but the last couple of weeks he seemed to transform from a somewhat viable candidate to a completely unelectable mess of a ruthless capitalist –



[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0EsxNYXW5i8&w=560&h=315]



with a complete disdain for half of the country –



[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nvqHERTcytI&w=560&h=315]



who either doesn’t know how healthcare works for the uninsured or doesn’t care –



[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LOWzn6JCmEo&w=560&h=315]



and somehow has fallen under the shadow of his charismatic running mate –



[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SclDiN-lcYE&w=560&h=315]



Dude… what the fuck? I knew he was going down but I didn’t expect him to shoot himself in the foot this badly.



Listen, I keep telling you guys I’m horrible at photoshop. Whatever. You get the joke here.





I’m starting to feel bad for the poor guy. A recent guardian poll that utilizes an odd infographic of the two candidates holding balloons shows Obama securing 319 electoral votes to Romney’s 191 (with 12 electoral votes up for grabs). Why is Mitt still doing this? Why does he push on with all the polls against him, when every time he opens his mouth he says something dumber and more out of touch? Who does he have in his corner that gives him the confidence to keep doing this?



[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7ud3pK5Wa90&w=560&h=315]



Boom. Chuck Norris backs Romney.



Well, he doesn’t exactly back Romney. In fact, he didn’t even mention his name the entire video. He just implied that you shouldn’t vote for Obama because of socialism and 1,000 years of darkness.



Seriously, Mitt Romney can’t even get some wacky conservative like Chuck Norris to back him completely and Chuck Norris backed Mike Huckabee in 2008!



[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MDUQW8LUMs8&w=420&h=315]



Poor Mitt. I’d feel bad for him if he wasn’t a greed fueled robot hell bent on forcing everyone in America to wear magic underwear.


Shit Romney

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Well, looks like ol’ Mitt’s done it again and said a bunch of stuff that makes him look like some out of touch elitist that thinks poor people are subhuman creatures beneath his notice. Now this isn’t the first time he’s said some dumb rich guy shit but with less than 2 months left in the election the media’s acting like he just lost with this gaffe –


The New York Daily News. All the class and erudition of an average New Yorker.





Obama supporters are really capitalizing on this, too –



You know Romney would start with the west coast so his precious Utah would have a coastline view. Also because he hates gay people.





Really, it’s not that big of a deal. I mean, yeah. It was a shitty thing to say but Mitt Romney’s a shitty person. I believe now as I have since he threw his magic underwear in the ring that he can’t win this. If anything he’s probably threw out that “fuck all the poor people” line to energize the right wing base that refuses to trust him due to his universal health care and wacky religion. I expect to see a lot more hardline conservative behavior in the next few weeks.

Who knows? Maybe he’ll start executing retarded people and claiming there’s WMDs in Iraq. That’d get his base going.

Romney Picks Worst Possible VP Candidate.

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So Mitt Romney finally decided to pick a veep and it’s US Rep. Paul Ryan. The news is doing their best to wring every possible story out of this from the left and the right. CNN won’t stop talking about how Ryan wants to eliminate Medicare or whatever and Fox News actually said he understands the working class because in high school he worked at a McDonald’s. Personally, I think this is the worst choice Romney could have made. Not because of Ryan’s policies, views or history. Paul Ryan is a shit choice because there’s nothing funny about him.



He even looks too normal. I mean, his ears are kind of big but not really… ugh.





There’s just nothing funny about the guy. He doesn’t hate gays or if he does he doesn’t really make it public, he doesn’t call Planned Parenthood a crime syndicate or anything like that. He doesn’t belong to a wacky religion or have a crazy wife. I can’t get an angle on this guy for humor because all he talks about is the economy.



Granted, his ideas are bad but they’re not “hilariously bad”. In fact, some of his ideas actually sound kind of good at first glance but when you do some nuanced deconstruction of what he’s saying you see that they’re really flawed. Like his idea to close all corporate tax loopholes while lowering the corporate tax amount sounds good but when you realize he doesn’t distinguish the difference between bullshit “loopholes” and credits to companies that keep work in the U.S, reduce carbon emissions etc. it’s pretty messed up. That’s why there’s so many videos on youtube of Paul Ryan “schooling” political news anchors and commentators. His ideas are the kind that you can just shout at somebody and if they don’t bother looking into it they kind of make sense but that’s not funny.



Seriously, Mitt could have done so much better with his choice. There were so many funny VP candidates to choose from. Crazy Ayotte, that tub-o-sweat Christie or even goofy ol’ Pawlenty but this is the guy he went with? What am I supposed to do with that?



The only thing that’s even remotely funny is that he’s got a huge boner for Ayn Rand. So much that he makes his staff read her books. The fact that he collected Social Security benefits from age 16-18 after his father’s death and used the money to pay for his education is kind of ironic and funny (especially since Ayn Rand collected Social Security, too) but I can’t really do too much with that.



Way to go, Mitt. You blew it.

Prom’s Coming and Romney’s Choices for Dates Are Not Looking Good

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MSNBC has an article today speculating who Romney’s going to pick for his running mate. They’re calling it the “Veepstakes” because the only way they can try to make this sound remotely interesting is with a shitty pun.



Seriously. The stuff they’re speculating is just a bunch of bottom of the barrel no names and gimmicks. The primaries were such a bloodbath that anybody who lasted more than two weeks is out of the running because they probably had a TV ad about how Romney eats babies. Let’s look at the people that the media thinks Romney might pick.



Chris Christie

Gov. Christie singing with his band Blues Traveler.

Alright. I could talk about his years as a shameless lobbyist fighting for the government to deregulate energy companies (because the last thing they need is a tight leash) and easing up laws on securities fraud (because who really gets hurt in that?), his crazy budget slashing as NJ governor or his mob ties but let’s just shelve all that and poke fun at his weight.

Seriously, his name sounds like a chain of steak houses and he looks like he’s eaten a chain of steakhouses, booths and all. He’ll probably turn down Romney just because he’s scared that being a running mate may involve actual running. Ba-Zing!

It’s okay. I can make these jokes. I’m fat.



Kelly Ayotte

I see what you did there…

I get it. Going the Palin strategy of an attractive woman nobody’s heard of but this time make her a little less attractive so people don’t just automatically assume she’s a ditz. Maybe do a little research this time around and actually make sure she’s not a ditz (have her name a newspaper, make sure she doesn’t say things like as a resident of New Hampshire she can see Canadians out of her back yard or whatever).

Here’s the problem. She’s a little bit Palin and a little bit Bachmann. Ayotte’s batshit crazy and a total crusader. As a prosecutor in New Hampshire she sought the death penalty for a guy who murdered an off duty cop rather than life without parole. The main criticism comes from the fact that the death penalty is super expensive, costing over $2mil in appeals to date. It’s going to cost even more because New Hampshire hasn’t executed somebody in over 70 years. They don’t even have a facility to do so. They’re gonna have to drop another $3mil on top of all the appeals cost to build a facility just to kill this dude.

She also took a suit against Planned Parenthood all the way to the Supreme Court. She lost and had to pay Planned Parenthood’s attorney fees.



Rob Portman

Senator Whitebread McWhogivesashit

Rob Portman is a seven term (yawn) Congressman turned Senator from Ohio (yipee!). He… was the director for, oh God, the Office of Budget Management andas;dlkur zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz (snore). My money’s on this guy.



Pawlenty!

T-Paw!

I really hope Pawlenty gets the nomination. Don’t get me wrong, I hate his politics. I just felt bad for him after his 11th hour snub in 2008. He pretty much thought he was going to get that nomination only to get beat out by Palin. All those years of ass kissing, ladder climbing and saying what he thought people wanted to hear and that was the thanks he got. You can’t help but feel sorry for the guy.

He’d probably make a fine running mate, too. He’s very obedient and if you throw a sweater vest on him he’ll kind of look like Santorum so that’ll get the crazy fundamentalist Christians on your side.

Santorum or Pawlenty in a sweater vest? Can you tell the difference?




Whatever Romney decides I’m sure it will be awful.

Five More Lies Republicans Tell About Women’s Bodies

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HuP (short for HuffPo, short for Huffington Post) Huffingtonposted an article yesterday entitled “9 Lies Republicans Tell About Women’s Bodies”. The article shows 9 myths that have sprung up rather recently in the GOP’s war on vaginas. While the list certainly brings to light the level of misinformation conservatives are willing to use to make a point, the list is far from complete. Here’s some more misleading statements, half-truths and outright lies the Republicans have said about women in the last couple of months.


1. “Chinese girls have sideways vaginas.” – Rick Santorum on Face the Nation.

This myth has been around for quite some time but the World Health Organization has stated that the vaginas of Chinese women are just like everybody else’s.


2. “Boys go to Mars to get more candy bars. Girls go to Jupiter to get more stupider.” – Rush Limbaugh on The Rush Limbaugh Show.

To date, the Mars Rover has yet to find a single candy bar on the planet’s surface. As for Jupiter, the atmosphere of the gas giant is mainly comprised of hydrogen and helium. Breathing these gases can cause oxygen starvation to the brain so while a girl could get more stupider on Jupiter, not one female has ever visited the planet.


3. “We don’t need a condom, baby. Everybody knows you can’t get pregnant if you do it in a hot tub.” – Herman Cain in the hot tub at La Quinta Inn. Newark, NJ.

According to the internet you can totally get pregnant in a hot tub. Duh.


4. “That weird girl Ethel in Ms. Miller’s kindergarten class has cooties.” – Mitt Romney televised campaign ad.

While it’s kind of weird that her parents gave her an old lady name, there’s no such thing as cooties. Ethyl has lice.


5. “Almost 20% of fetuses survive abortion, growing up with a single goal in life. Revenge.” – Michele Bachmann, speaking to a bunch of terrified girl scouts around a camp fire moments before Marcus jumps out of the bushes in a giant fetus costume.

While there have been some cases of fetuses surviving late term abortions, there have been no recorded instances of revenge quests.



For more information on Republican views on women’s health, consult any 100 year old medical textbook.

The pic from the original huffpo article. Obviously a shop because the three of them talking at the same time would cause aneurysms in anybody listening.



P.S. Oh hey there’s only two days left to vote for the City Pages reader’s poll. You can vote for “best local blog”. I’m not saying that I think this blog is the best but you should vote for me because I’m incredibly insecure and if you don’t vote for me I’m going to STICK MY FINGER IN MY THROAT UNTIL I THROW UP BECAUSE I’M A FATTY FATASS. Thanks!

Mitt Romney: Out of Touch?

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Opposite Day Fox News posted an article about Mitt Romney saying yet another rich guy thing. This time he mentions about how a bunch of NFL team owners are friends of his during a question about football in a radio interview –


[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N43njcpNcHs&w=420&h=315]


Romney constantly faces accusations of being out of touch and not knowing what it’s like to not be insanely wealthy. You’d think people would want to know more about his weird religion –



Google autocomplete. Vox populi, vox dei.


but the scrutiny always falls on his “gaffes” that make him seem out of touch with the average American. Here’s a few choice quotes from the campaign trail that have made the news recently.


“I’m not concerned about the very poor. Fuck them. Fuck poor people. Ugh.” – Mitt Romney, following his victory in the Florida primary. CNN


“I love it here in the south! I’m learning to say y’all, I like grits, I own several slaves!” – Romney in a campaign speech in Mississippi. MSNBC


“I love Detroit automobiles! (My wife) Ann actually has two fresh Cadillacs flown in every week and she drives most of them before throwing them away.” – Romney stumping in Michigan. C-SPAN


“Thank you for the toilet paper bird!” – Mitt thanking a boy in Denver for folding him an origami cane out of a $1 bill. Washington Post.


“I’ve been a lifelong hunter. Small varmints, mostly. Also, genetically engineered manimals on Dick Cheney’s private island.” Romney explaining his love of hunting. AP.


“They look like ants from up here, don’t they? Like I could just crush them all by stepping on them and not feel a thing. Just thinking about it gives me an erection.” – On a flight from Dallas to Boston. NYT.



Seriously, he doesn’t seem that out of touch to me.



Oil portrait of Mitt Romney painted by Rembrant clone.