Tag Archives: minnesota

Senator Branden Petersen!

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I don’t know if you guys saw the news but marriage equality is being signed into law today by Governor Mark Dayton. After the House didn’t fuck it up it was predicted that the bill would pass the senate pretty easily since they have a DFL majority but nobody was completely sure until the votes were cast and they did it.



We won.



My first impulse in writing about this is to just shamelessly gloat about this victory to the opponents of marriage equality. Just rub their noses in it. Maybe make a big satirical post about how I’m turning into a lustful cockmonster and want to marry a horse or whatever but I’m not going to. I’m sure there’s plenty of completely bullshit reasons on why some people want to treat homosexuals as second class citizens but I’m not going to change anybody’s minds by ridiculing them.



Besides, nothing I say could beat the pure, simple awesomeness of Laura Thompson’s now famous photo-



So gay.

So gay.





What I would like to do, however, is acknowledge two Republican State Senators for two very different reasons.



I listened to some of the debates before the vote yesterday and it was pretty much what you’d expect. Democrats going to the mic and shouting “love!”, Republicans going to the mic and shouting “Jesus”. One speech, however, took me by surprise. Senator Dave Senjem, a Republican, went up to the podium and said this (abridged).



We’re going to have same sex marriage. I think of people like Bob and Joe, good friends, good people, happen to be gay. I don’t have to understand everythign there is to know about being gay. But they take care of their house, mow their lawn. got a picture from Marge and Jo today, good friends, have invited me to their wedding. As we go forward, I hope through my life I’ve been able to reach out to people like this and say ‘I may disagree with you, I’ve been polite, I’ve been cordial’ . In a few minutes I’ll decide whether I step across this line or not and we’ll find out.



I heard that speech and thought it was really brave of that man to step outside of his party rhetoric and just look at the people around him. There was more to the speech where he acknowledged that the bill would probably pass with or without his vote and he hoped to go to Marge and Jo’s wedding.



He voted “no”.



He voted no because he knew the bill would pass with or without him so he decided to play it safe politically. Bob and Joe may keep their lawn mowed but nice lawns don’t get a man re-elected. He’ll go to Marge and Jo’s wedding but he’ll make a vote trying to keep it from happening. It was a coward’s vote but what should I expect? All but one Republican voted “no” yesterday. The single Republican who voted “yes”?



Senator Branden “Iron Balls” Petersen.
Not pictured: tree-trunk like arms, size 15 feet, set of titanium testicles.

Not pictured: tree-trunk like arms, size 15 feet, set of titanium testicles.





Senator Branden Petersen is the lone Republican who stood up for Marriage Equality yesterday. No bait-and-switch bullshit like Senjem, this guy said ahead of time that he’d vote “yes” and he voted “yes”.



This badass voted his conscience even though he’s a Republican representing ANOKA COUNTY. That’s Michele Bachmann’s stomping grounds. This was political suicide for him but he couldn’t look himself in the mirror knowing he voted “no”.



There’s a lot of people who are responsible for making today’s bill passage possible. Legislators, Gov. Dayton, Minnesotans United, countless volunteers and donors and all should be congratulated. In my mind, though, Senator Brandon Peterson is today’s MVP.



With honorable mention to Laura Thompson.

I’m Afraid to go Outside Right Now.

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Yesterday I heard repeatedly on the radio about how we’re going to get 3-7 inches of snow. How the morning commute was going to be shit. Meteorologists kept going on about this freak May snowstorm that was going to blanket the Twin Cities with a thick, heavy slush overnight.



This morning I turn my computer on and find out that it was worse than predicted. As much as 13 inches have been dumped as far south as Rochester and as far north as Brainerd.



I look outside and not a drop or flake is on the ground.



…what?



There… was a snowstorm, right? I get that meteorologists can fuck up their predictions sometimes but the news said there was snow!



Here’s a map with the three cities listed in the beginning of the article I linked. Minneapolis is right in the middle of that –



How...

How…





Apparently there’s snow all around me but there’s no snow in Minneapolis. Don’t get me wrong, I’m glad there’s no snow but now I’m just scared that it’s waiting for me out there. Like, the second I get outside the snow’s all going to fall down in one clump like a cartoon and then the tow truck drivers come and tow my car for snow emergency because they’re a bunch of evil Satan-worshipping wizards!



…I’m putting on a jacket just to be safe.

A Warm Greeting in a Cold State

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For the readers not in Minnesota, it’s cold outside. I mean, really cold out. I mean, it’s holy shit balls cold outside. The temp is -9°F with a wind chill of -31°F. There are severe wind chill warnings and suggestions in red to limit outdoor exposure.

Look, Canada. We get it. You’re tougher than us. You’re so tough that you had nothing to prove and named your towns things that sound silly in English but mean things like “majestic eagle” and “dancing doe” in other languages. You’re so tough that Wawa, Ontario (Ojibwe: “wild goose”) has the same exact temp and windchill, and historically speaking, today is “a little on the chilly side.”

The town of Wawa, as seen from the other side of Lake Wawa.

The town of Wawa, as seen from the other side of Lake Wawa.

But to the rest of America, Minnesota right now is the frozen wasteland that we imagine Wawa to be. Minnesotans cultivate this “tough as nails” persona because it’s the only way we can justify staying here. While California today is complaining about 33°F, Minnesota is shouting Minnesota nice (there’s seriously a wikipedia article on MN nice) at them, like “do you need us to bring you a sweater?” secretly hoping they say yes so we have an excuse to go to a place where the temperature is above freezing.

Minnesotan’s also have a habit of saying the phrase “cold enough for ya?” It’s like we’re daring each other to give up and go back to nicer climates. And because we’re stubborn bastards, we’re all still here, on a bet that we can’t hack it.

If you can't take the cold, get out of the freezer!

If you can’t take the cold, get out of the freezer!

I used to live in North Minneapolis. It’s known as a “bad neighborhood” which is unfair to the good parts of North, but there are some pretty scary pockets. I was living in one of these scary pockets, possibly the worst (Jordan neighborhood, for those in the know) and one particularly bitter winter day, I needed to go grocery shopping. So I went to my local store, purchased the needed items, and headed towards the exit. On either side of the door were two urban youth. And by that, I mean young men dressed in the kind of clothes you picture when I say “gangsta rappa.”

And only one of them was black. Way to be racist on Martin Luther King Jr day, asshole.

Anyway, I see these two guys, and I’m thinking “well shit. I’m about to get harassed.” Not because they’re men, or even that they’re urban youth. But because they are dudes in that particular neighborhood at that particular store where I had been harassed by dudes 100 times before on exiting. Somehow they always seem to know that I have a sweet ass, even under my 20 layers of winter clothing and knee-length winter coat.

So I brace myself. I walk out the door, and sure enough, I get hailed by one of the urban youth. “Yo,” he says, and as I turn to look him in the eye, he adds “cold enough for ya?”

Gay Thoughts

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Kids, we have a problem. I keep having gay thoughts.

I don’t mean sexual things like making out with chicks, slowly stroking her back, taking in the fragrance of her hair while I caress her body, tracing her curves, exploring the beautiful form that is the female body until we start excessively grunting like two lady players on a tennis court.

[youtube=http://youtu.be/j-_5EDVpLXY]

No, I don’t mean that. I’m bisexual, or “part gay,” so it would make sense for me to have those thoughts. I’m SUPPOSED to have those thoughts. Especially when it comes to tennis.

I also don’t mean all these thoughts I’ve been having about gay rights like the ability to get married to the person you love or not getting beaten to death because someone assumes you’re gay. Hell, not even the right to wear a skirt as a dude or, well, I suppose chicks can wear pants now…. how about boxers? They can? Well shit… um… jock straps? I’ll go with jock straps.

This is a real thing.

None of that is a problem because civil liberties and freedom of expression and not having to fear for your life or safety (physical or emotional) because of who you are should be available to everyone as stated in our bill of rights.

I don’t even mean the thoughts I’ve had about how my religion/spirituality views gay sex. Because Jesus said absolutely nothing on the subject, and any other reference to homosexuality in the Bible is either something from a portion of the Bible that says it’s okay to sell your children into slavery, or words that have been mis-translated from concepts such as “child rapist”.

Really, homosexuality in the Bible has way more to do with children than two dudes having sex.

And this whole MN Marriage Amendment… the gay thoughts I’ve been having about that? Doesn’t bother me. As Bill said earlier, if the amendment gets shot down, it doesn’t mean gay people can get married. It will STILL be illegal for two chicks to get hitched and make each other miserable for the rest of their lives. It still won’t affect a church’s ability to deny a couple the ability to get married in their church for whatever reason they deem the couple unfit.

As an aside, here’s a thing I said on Facebook that’s getting passed around and reposted. Please feel free to do the same:

No church is, or ever has been, forced to perform a marriage they did not approve of. Many of my friends have either had to convert to get married in a specific church, or get married outside of their church because their partner was not of that particular denomination.

And honestly, I’m fine with the idea of civil unions in state and marriages in church. but that’s not how we’re set up. We are set up for heterosexuals to get married by the state, but not homosexuals. If it’s the state doing it, and a group of people is denied the right to participate, it becomes a civil issue.

You don’t want your church to marry the gays? Neat. You go ahead an deny them the right to get married in your church. But you don’t get to deny them a civil right. THAT is what separation of church and state means. It means your church can’t tell the state what to do, and the state can’t tell your church to perform a holy union it doesn’t believe in.

No, the gay thoughts I’ve been having are FAR more sinister than that. It’s the OTHER gay thoughts I’ve been having.

For instance, a gay friend of mine has been going through some financial difficulties, and he’s been thinking of ways he could try to supplement his income. But, OMG, with this switch from me being the bread winner to Bill doing so, I’VE BEEN HAVING THE SAME THOUGHTS!

Also, a lesbian friend of mine was having difficulties deciding what to wear the other day, and I think about what I’m going to wear ALL THE TIME!!!

Also also, a friend of mine got into a serious accident recently, and a gay friend of mine was talking about how scary that was, and how his heart really went out to all his loved ones, and wishing for a speedy recovery. AND I WAS THINKING THE EXACT SAME THING AT THE SAME TIME!!!!!

Kids, something has to be done about this. Legislation should be passed to keep the gays with their gay thoughts out of my head, to prevent me from being exposed to sin, and to save me from myself. I can’t even think normally without having the same thoughts as gays.

I guess the only way to save myself from these gay thoughts is to just stop thinking at all.

Let’s Talk About the Weather.

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Because my only other option right now is to talk about how scumbag Herman Cain is defending scumbag Newt Gingrich in some weird republican philanderer circle jerk. Let’s just talk about snow instead, shall we?


It’s been a surprisingly mild winter so far here in the Twin Cities. Last year the sky crapped a foot of snow on us every week but this year we’ve only had like four mild dustings of snow. The only real snowfall we got was on New Year’s Eve and nobody was on the road then except for a few cab drivers and me coming home from a show in Stillwater gripping the steering wheel with all my might praying to Xenu that I wouldn’t end up in the ditch. This morning, however, the TC metro has seen over a half inch of snowfall and the Star Tribune reports there has been dozens and dozens of crashes, spinouts and stalls.


Dozens and fucking dozens of crashes. Seriously.


Every year. Every single year people in Minnesota forget how to drive in the snow and the first actual snowfall leads to cars in the ditch. No injuries have been reported which is good because I have little sympathy for first snowfall crashes. The best is when you’re driving down the road during a snowstorm at a reasonable speed (40 on the highway) and see some asshole zip past you in the left lane at like 60. You think to yourself “God I hope that jackass ends up in the ditch” and then you see him in a ditch a couple miles later. Of course your first thought is “Oh man I hope he’s alright” but your second is always “Serves him right”.


Of course, driving too slow is just as dangerous. There are plenty of people too scared to go past 10 miles per hour ON THE FUCKING HIGHWAY when there’s snow on the ground not even thinking that there’s other people on the highway driving much faster that have a bit of a hard time braking because of the snow.


I seriously don’t get it. The general population can’t seriously be so stupid to forget every year that snow=slippery fucking roads. If you’re an adult with a drivers license and an IQ above 80 this shit should kick in when you see the snow or at the very least the first time you hit the brakes. Even if you’ve never driven in the snow you could put 2 and 2 together walking to your car and noticing that the sidewalk is slippery. Here’s the few possible explanations I can think of.


Immigration
Republicans use this as a scapegoat all the time. Why can’t I? Not just illegal immigrants but anybody coming to Minnesota from warmer climates. People in Florida probably think snow is just a thing we yankees made up to scare them away and keep the Mall of America to ourselves. Still, millions of people flock north every year and wreck their cars the first time it snows.

Rohypnol in the water supply
Now this just may be the schizophrenic, homeless, crack addict conspiracy theorist side of me but the government could be spiking the water with roofies so we’ll forget that our professional sports teams are pure shit. Obviously it’s working because we’re building the Vikings a goddamn new stadium but a mild side effect is that the entire state forgets how to drive in the snow every year.

People are just stupid
Probably the most plausable explanation.


So drive safe, people. Maybe you could even drive safe tonight to HUGE Theater tonight to go see me make funnies at Stop Talking: A Game of Talking. Plugs!