Tag Archives: meme

Meme a Hero

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The country was stunned and thrilled yesterday when reports came out that three women who have been missing for over a decade were alive, healthy and soon in the arms of their loving family.



Amanda Berry, Georgina DeJesus, and Michelle Knight were allegedly held prisoner in the home of Pedro, Onil and Ariel Castro. The women were freed by neighbor Charles Ramsey after he heard screaming coming from the Castro house. Here’s a recording of the 911 call that Ramsey made –







Uh… okay. The 911 recording has become a bit of an overnight viral sensation but the important thing is that these girls are safe. Let’s take a look at a local TV interview with Charles Ramsey shortly after the rescue –







That clip… has also become an overnight viral hit but let’s focus! This is a serious matter! This man was a big part in ending a 10 year nightmare for these women. Let’s hear him set the record straight with Anderson Cooper –







Jesus. Always with the McDonald’s. It’s like his socioeconomic status holds him to a different set of standards and priorities than people who don’t have to worry about where their next meal comes from. His mannerisms and world outlook is just so DIFFERENT than real people! That’s hilarious!



Let’s take this seriously. Please. These women were most likely systematically raped over the course of a decade. They’ve had no contact with the outside world. One of them has a kid now. Let’s focus on the facts and not on Charles Ramsey’s hilarious interviews. Before you know it somebody’s going to auto-tune this –







Jesus. It hasn’t even been two days and this guy has been completely memed.



charlesmeme



You see… It’s funny because he’s black.

Internet Love

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I love technology. I love computers. And I absolutely love the internet. I kinda want to make out with the internet. Were it legal, I would leave Bill and marry the internet.

Let me tell you about the start of my internet romance.

Before Al Gore invented the internet, we had archaic computer communications in the form of Bulletin Board Systems (BBS). They were pretty neat. You could post messages and others could respond to them, kinda like internet forums or message boards nowadays. Only no pictures. Just text. Maybe if you were lucky, some really shitty ASCII art.

The homo erectus of the internet. According to new world creationists, this never existed.

When I was 10, I would connect to BBS via the Apple IIe and a 300 baud modem over a telephone line. I’m trying to think of a comparison for the kids, but I can’t. I would start the connection, go make myself a sandwich, eat said sandwich, wash the dish, and then maybe the computer would have connected and the Board loaded. Usually not.

I would spend all weekend on the BBS… until I discovered the internet. IT HAD PICTURES!!!!! I dropped BBS like a bad lan line connection and never looked back. I had my first website hosted on a Berkely server in 95, then moved to geocities…

Love at first site.

I have spent thousands of hours on the internet, searching every nook and corner of it. I got a programming degree and helped build some of it. I spent so much time web programming that I once wrote java script WHILE ASLEEP IN A DREAM.

Why do I bring this up? I think my son was actually fathered by the internet.

This morning, I made him eggs and toast for breakfast. I call him to the breakfast table, and he says “ERMAHGERD! ERGS ERN TERST!!!”

He commonly asks for things starting with the phrase “I CAN HAZ?”

When ever something upsets him, he says “Sad face.”

I think he considers LOLCATS pets.

HIS HAPPY FACE LOOKS JUST LIKE AN EPIC FACE!

Today he talked about his eggs and toast in ERMAHGERD, and I looked at him and said “You are a human being! YOU ARE NOT A MEME!!!” Shortly thereafter, he excused himself from the table with BRB, and then gave me a huge LOL and scurried back to his computer.

Sigh. He is JUST like his father.

Here’s My Excuses.

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Every now and then there’s some news story about a person with a disability overcoming that disability to do something awesome. Think about it and you can probably recall seeing some human interest story about an autistic artist or armless mountain climber or woman driver. They can be very inspirational or if you’re like me, they just show that not only is there always somebody better than me at something, but he probably has Downs Syndrome.


I’m of course reading into it way too much. These people aren’t out there breaking world records with broken spines just to spite people who have it easy. OR ARE THEY?


Yes, I know people are saying it's a photoshop but let's put that aside for now because it doesn't help the joke at all.





Well that’s unnecessarily aggressive.


This photo showed up on my facebook feed shared by a friend and originally posted by the Primal Muscle facebook page (frankly I prefer my muscle a little more civilized). Fine. You want my excuses? Here they are.


* Maybe I’d find the time to work out if I didn’t have to park in the back of the parking lot everywhere I went.

* You know how they say when you go blind your other senses are heightened? Maybe that’s how it works with the body, too.

* I’d probably be all cut too if I was hopping around everywhere on one leg and picking myself up after falling down all the time.

* It would actually be harder for me to look like that because I’d have a whole other leg to work out.

* The order could be flipped here. Super muscle guy loses his leg and then lets himself go. Not very inspirational but I totally wouldn’t blame him.

* It doesn’t say how he lost that leg. Have you seen exercise equipment? It’s not a stretch to think that he got a gym membership, didn’t read the instructions on the weight machine thingy and it took his leg off. Sure, that story makes him even more determined if he came back to the gym after that horrific accident but he could have avoided it all in the first place had he just stayed home.

*I’m lazy.


Damn, coming up with all these excuses has really worn me out. I’m gonna go take a nap.

Yeah. You Didn’t Have the “Green” Thing Back in Your Day.

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Several of my facebook friends shared this little meme-story on their walls recently. No author is attributed because fuck it, it’s facebook.


Borrowed ♥ “Checking out at the grocery store recently, the young cashier suggested I should bring my own grocery bags because plastic bags weren’t good for the environment. I apologized and explained, “We didn’t have this green thing back in my earlier days.” The clerk responded, “That’s our problem today. Your generation did not care enough to save our environment for future generations.” She was right about one thing — our generation didn’t have the green thing in “Our” day. So what did we have back then…? After some reflection and soul-searching on “Our” day here’s what I remembered we did have…. Back then, we returned milk bottles, soda bottles and beer bottles to the store. The store sent them back to the plant to be washed and sterilized and refilled, so it could use the same bottles repeatedly. So they really were recycled. But we didn’t have the green thing back in our day. We walked up stairs, because we didn’t have an escalator in every store and office building. We walked to the grocery store and didn’t climb into a 300-horsepower machine every time we had to go two blocks. But she was right. We didn’t have the green thing in our day. Back then, we washed the baby’s diapers because we didn’t have the throw-away kind. We dried clothes on a line, not in an energy gobbling machine burning up 220 volts — wind and solar power really did dry our clothes back in our early days. Kids got hand-me-down clothes from their brothers or sisters, not always brand-new clothing. But that young lady is right. We didn’t have the green thing back in our day. Back then, we had one TV, or radio, in the house — not a TV in every room. And the TV had a small screen the size of a handkerchief (remember them?), not a screen the size of the state of Montana. In the kitchen, we blended and stirred by hand because we didn’t have electric machines to do everything for us. When we packaged a fragile item to send in the mail, we used wadded up old newspapers to cushion it, not Styrofoam or plastic bubble wrap. Back then, we didn’t fire up an engine and burn gasoline just to cut the lawn. We used a push mower that ran on human power. We exercised by working so we didn’t need to go to a health club to run on treadmills that operate on electricity. But she’s right. We didn’t have the green thing back then. We drank from a fountain when we were thirsty instead of using a cup or a plastic bottle every time we had a drink of water. We refilled writing pens with ink instead of buying a new pen, and we replaced the razor blades in a razor instead of throwing away the whole razor just because the blade got dull. But we didn’t have the green thing back then. Back then, people took the streetcar or a bus, and kids rode their bikes to school or walked instead of turning their moms into a 24-hour taxi service. We had one electrical outlet in a room, not an entire bank of sockets to power a dozen appliances. And we didn’t need a computerized gadget to receive a signal beamed from satellites 2,000 miles out in space in order to find the nearest pizza joint. But isn’t it sad the current generation laments how wasteful we old folks were just because we didn’t have the green thing back then? Please post this on your Facebook profile so another selfish old person who needs a lesson in conservation from a smarty-pants young person can add to this…”


How has this not been called out on it’s bullshit yet? Unless this shopper was 90 years old they probably had an electric dryer in “their day”. Also, I don’t know what grocery store they’re going to but I’ve been to hippie organic co-ops and nobody’s given me shit for not having a reusable bag.


Whatever. Here’s a more accurate portrayal of how this conversation would have went down.


“Checking out at the grocery store recently, the young cashier suggested I should bring my own grocery bags because plastic bags weren’t good for the environment. I apologized and explained, “We didn’t have this green thing back in my earlier days.” The clerk responded, “That’s our problem today. Your generation did not care enough to save our environment for future generations.” She was right about one thing — our generation didn’t have the green thing in “Our” day. So what did we have back then…? After some reflection and soul-searching on “Our” day here’s what I remembered we did have…. Back then we had mercury in our batteries and our light switches which we threw away into landfills because we didn’t have the “green” thing back in our day. In fact, we let school children play with mercury in science classes with their bare hands! We didn’t have hybrid cars, we were lucky to get 15 miles to the gallon but we didn’t bother to think about it because gas was so cheap. The gas also had lead in it. Our house paint also had lead in it because we didn’t have the “green” thing back in our day. The Grand Canyon was so choked with smog you couldn’t see across it because she was right, we didn’t have the “green” thing. Back in our day we dumped 20 million gallons of herbicides and defoliants on the jungles of Vietnam killing not only a ton of vegetation but people, birds, animals, whatever because we didn’t have the “green” thing back in our day. We sprayed our food crops with DDT and fished the blue walleye into extinction because we didn’t have the green thing back in our day. Back in our day Lake Erie was so polluted that it literally caught on fire because we didn’t have the “green” thing back in our day. Isn’t it completely plausible that the current generation laments on how wasteful we were because we didn’t have the “green” thing back then? Please post this on your facebook so another self absorbed nostalgia addict baby boomer can realize that older is not, by default, better.